Tired woman here!

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

[Staashi 371]

You know, I wonder if so many women put up with this due to the physical differences with their partners and the role it can play on ones psyche. It is a common attribute in many MENA relationships (at least on VJ) that you have younger, attractive males, who are married to older ladies. Doesn't mean that a gal isn't nice looking, but she might have some attributes that aren't particularly welcomed by too many American dudes - hence the obligatory red flags. So the gal is preyed upon by a guy who tells her she is beautiful, desirable, everything he's always wanted, and she gets all googly-eyed. Oh my God, I hit the motherload! she thinks.

So the gal flies across the Atlantic and meets the love of her life. She gets married orfi-style and they proceed to go to places in the bedroom where he hasn't been before because he's a virgin, and she hasn't done it in a few years as well. The guy now has his fiancee or wife wrapped around his finger and assumes that she is his pawn - he can take advantage of her kindness, generosity, and her sexuality because who wouldn't want to get laid if you've got a partner who is willing to do just about anything. Moreover, who wouldn't do all this to get out of the impoverished life one is living in MENA? Some guys are smart - they lay low and don't make waves, just get their greencard or citizenship, start a few fights and say it didn't work out, Ciao! Others make their wives' life a living hell. They push her around, are abusive maybe both verbally and physically - definitely emotionally. Finally, she says I can't take it anymore and comes on VJ to say it isn't work out

[Staashi 371]

Stupid fingers....ETA:

Finally, she says I can't take it anymore and comes on VJ to say it isn't working out.

Please know, I'm not here to offend. I've been hanging out in MENA for I think 3-4 years now. I know that there are awesome couples in this forum - strong, dedicated, and making it work. But, I cannot deny that the things I have witnessed here are mind-boggling, but it has become par for the course.

[msheesha 548]

You spent a lot of time thinking about this.

I don't know what MENA has historically been like, but the majority of the posters on here now, at least from what I can tell, don't have a large age gap, or developmental stage of life gap (i.e. he's just out of school, and she's a grandmom). I could be off base, or the posters I pay most attention to fit into the category with not so many red flags.

I don't know why people put up with abuse, but I wish they'd stop putting up with it and realize they don't deserve it, and they'd be so much better off without an offensive jerk in their lives.

[Golden Gate 530]

You know, I wonder if so many women put up with this due to the physical differences with their partners and the role it can play on ones psyche. It is a common attribute in many MENA relationships (at least on VJ) that you have younger, attractive males, who are married to older ladies. Doesn't mean that a gal isn't nice looking, but she might have some attributes that aren't particularly welcomed by too many American dudes - hence the obligatory red flags. So the gal is preyed upon by a guy who tells her she is beautiful, desirable, everything he's always wanted, and she gets all googly-eyed. Oh my God, I hit the motherload! she thinks.

So the gal flies across the Atlantic and meets the love of her life. She gets married orfi-style and they proceed to go to places in the bedroom where he hasn't been before because he's a virgin, and she hasn't done it in a few years as well. The guy now has his fiancee or wife wrapped around his finger and assumes that she is his pawn - he can take advantage of her kindness, generosity, and her sexuality because who wouldn't want to get laid if you've got a partner who is willing to do just about anything. Moreover, who wouldn't do all this to get out of the impoverished life one is living in MENA? Some guys are smart - they lay low and don't make waves, just get their greencard or citizenship, start a few fights and say it didn't work out, Ciao! Others make their wives' life a living hell. They push her around, are abusive maybe both verbally and physically - definitely emotionally. Finally, she says I can't take it anymore and comes on VJ to say it isn't work out

I doubt many of the guys are really virgins. They have plenty of opportunities to have sex there.

[KittyPollitt 284]

I doubt many of the guys are really virgins. They have plenty of opportunities to have sex there.

You'd be surprised.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

You know, I wonder if so many women put up with this due to the physical differences with their partners and the role it can play on ones psyche. It is a common attribute in many MENA relationships (at least on VJ) that you have younger, attractive males, who are married to older ladies. Doesn't mean that a gal isn't nice looking, but she might have some attributes that aren't particularly welcomed by too many American dudes - hence the obligatory red flags. So the gal is preyed upon by a guy who tells her she is beautiful, desirable, everything he's always wanted, and she gets all googly-eyed. Oh my God, I hit the motherload! she thinks.

So the gal flies across the Atlantic and meets the love of her life. She gets married orfi-style and they proceed to go to places in the bedroom where he hasn't been before because he's a virgin, and she hasn't done it in a few years as well. The guy now has his fiancee or wife wrapped around his finger and assumes that she is his pawn - he can take advantage of her kindness, generosity, and her sexuality because who wouldn't want to get laid if you've got a partner who is willing to do just about anything. Moreover, who wouldn't do all this to get out of the impoverished life one is living in MENA? Some guys are smart - they lay low and don't make waves, just get their greencard or citizenship, start a few fights and say it didn't work out, Ciao! Others make their wives' life a living hell. They push her around, are abusive maybe both verbally and physically - definitely emotionally. Finally, she says I can't take it anymore and comes on VJ to say it isn't work out

I think this may describe some of the cases we've seen, but it has also occurred with several who did not fit that description - they were of the same general age and even quite attractive.

In my opinion, it's a self-esteem issue - either consciously or unconsciously, these women makes excuses for abusive behavior, or they blame themselves in some way, or they think they cannot find another relationship, or they just don't want to be "alone," etc. etc. Some may even identify as a "victim" since childhood, and have difficulty breaking the pattern.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I think this may describe some of the cases we've seen, but it has also occurred with several who did not fit that description - they were of the same general age and even quite attractive.

In my opinion, it's a self-esteem issue - either consciously or unconsciously, these women makes excuses for abusive behavior, or they blame themselves in some way, or they think they cannot find another relationship, or they just don't want to be "alone," etc. etc. Some may even identify as a "victim" since childhood, and have difficulty breaking the pattern.

BTW I am talking about relationships where the woman (or could be the man) puts up with abusive behavior - often repeated incidents, over a length of time. I am not talking about people who immediately remove themselves from a relationship when it turns abusive.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Or they stay for the kids, as if the abuse of their mom is good for children. Like Stassi, I've given this a lot of thought, too, because a lot of MENA women went from giddy and lovestruck to depressed and often painfully silent so quickly. I remember one who had to call the police on her husband coz he was beating her. She created a backlash here when she wanted to try to make it work anyway. I was surprised that anyone was willing to tell their sad stories after that. There wasn't much tolerance for making an abusive marriage work after that.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Or they stay for the kids, as if the abuse of their mom is good for children. Like Stassi, I've given this a lot of thought, too, because a lot of MENA women went from giddy and lovestruck to depressed and often painfully silent so quickly. I remember one who had to call the police on her husband coz he was beating her. She created a backlash here when she wanted to try to make it work anyway. I was surprised that anyone was willing to tell their sad stories after that. There wasn't much tolerance for making an abusive marriage work after that.

I am glad you mentioned the kids. Staying in an abusive relationship is bad, but even worse for children involved - it sets up a horrible example of what is "normal" or "acceptible." It is not unusual for children who grew up witnessing their mother being abused to repeat those patterns in their own relationships later on. A female child may (subconsciously) grow to accept abuse and end up in an abusive relationship herself, and a male child may grow up to be an abuser (or worse, as witnessing one's mother being abused can sometimes manifest itself later in extremely violent behavior.)

This doesn't happen to everyone who grew up in an abusive home, but it's a serious risk. No one should expose their kids to that.

[patient2010 93]

[Lisamarie 79]

I agree that this happens with some, but I don't think it's the "norm". The people I know off of this website don't fall into this scenario at all. Most fell in love not because they couldn't find a man here and not because the MENA man told her all the things she wanted to hear, but because she was attracted to his characteristics that are so different than an American man....his manners, respectful of her, things like that, or just wanting someone different than the type of man they were used to dating or were married to in the states Not saying American men aren't respectful and don't have manners, but you have to admit there is a difference. I also don't think most MENA men are virgins. Maybe some, but probably not the majority.

But I agree there are probably lots of cases like that, where the man charms the woman so much that she thinks she has found heaven and he turns out to be a total jerk once he's here. And there are probably cases where the woman thought the man was the most perfect man she ever met, and he still turned out to be a jerk once he was here. Or other scenario, she was correct in her thinking...I guess no one really knows "for sure" until he is here and they are living their lives together.

You know, I wonder if so many women put up with this due to the physical differences with their partners and the role it can play on ones psyche. It is a common attribute in many MENA relationships (at least on VJ) that you have younger, attractive males, who are married to older ladies. Doesn't mean that a gal isn't nice looking, but she might have some attributes that aren't particularly welcomed by too many American dudes - hence the obligatory red flags. So the gal is preyed upon by a guy who tells her she is beautiful, desirable, everything he's always wanted, and she gets all googly-eyed. Oh my God, I hit the motherload! she thinks.

So the gal flies across the Atlantic and meets the love of her life. She gets married orfi-style and they proceed to go to places in the bedroom where he hasn't been before because he's a virgin, and she hasn't done it in a few years as well. The guy now has his fiancee or wife wrapped around his finger and assumes that she is his pawn - he can take advantage of her kindness, generosity, and her sexuality because who wouldn't want to get laid if you've got a partner who is willing to do just about anything. Moreover, who wouldn't do all this to get out of the impoverished life one is living in MENA? Some guys are smart - they lay low and don't make waves, just get their greencard or citizenship, start a few fights and say it didn't work out, Ciao! Others make their wives' life a living hell. They push her around, are abusive maybe both verbally and physically - definitely emotionally. Finally, she says I can't take it anymore and comes on VJ to say it isn't work out

Edited March 25, 2011 by Lisamarie

[Lisamarie 79]

I forgot to say I have a few friends off VJ that have their husbands here that have good marriages and are happy. I do also have a couple that have no-so-good marriages and a couple that have been divorced.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Isn't there irony though saying that those who spend the majority of their time in an online relationships with their SO thus far don't really know their SO? By that logic it also negates all their own online relationships, with people for example on VJ, and how they judge them based on online posts with almost absolute certainty that is who that person is because they spend a lot of time reading about them and communicating on the boards with them and others. Sure some meetup regularly with those in their area and get to know a person or a couple but even that could be compared to the communication and time spent face to face with a ones SO.

How can one speculate about the authenticity of another couples relationship spent online with a few visits in person vs face to face, "they're here living together," communication when they are only getting information about it from an person they know from online themselves? Also from what the recent relationship poll indicates the vast majority sharing here are only half the story.

Edited to define face to face.

Edited March 25, 2011 by I'm So Broken

[Lisamarie 79]

That's a good point, for the people that you only know online and aren't friends with offline.

Isn't there irony though saying that those who spend the majority of their time in an online relationships with their SO thus far don't really know their SO? By that logic it also negates all their own online relationships, with people for example on VJ, and how they judge them based on online posts with almost absolute certainty that is who that person is because they spend a lot of time reading about them and communicating on the boards with them and others. Sure some meetup regularly with those in their area and get to know a person or a couple but even that could be compared to the communication and time spent face to face with a ones SO.

How can one speculate about the authenticity of another couples relationship spent online with a few visits in person vs face to face, "they're here living together," communication when they are only getting information about it from an person they know from online themselves? Also from what the recent relationship poll indicates the vast majority sharing here are only half the story.

Edited to define face to face.