Tired woman here!

[tany1157 161]

he has decided to go stay with some family in another state they are going to help him get a job.. i found that out through a text to his cousin.. guess he wrote it in english so i could read it.. It really breaks my heart to know that I have been used all this time.. And my daughter is in the middle of all this! Thank God I love her and could never leave her!!

((((HUGS)))) May God/Allah be with you during your time of need

[moroccogirlny 100]

Consider this a blessing. I know at first this will be hard but as time goes on you will heal. Life is full of ups and downs, the trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs.

[Lisamarie 79]

:thumbs: Excellent post.

I know everyone is telling you to leave him, but I also know that until you believe that, it won't do much to hear other people talk ###### about him.

So, my loving, supportive advice to you is the following: take care of yourself and your daughter right now. You might not be at the point where you can leave him, and that decision needs to be a decision that you make yourself and an empowering step for you.

Do what it takes to do what is right for the two of you. Take a vacation with her, stay with a friend... treat yourself to a spa night... write down all the things that you deserve as a human being and a bright, strong woman. Write down what you need to be happy and whole, and ask yourself what steps you can and are willing to take to get there or at what point you are willing to leave.

People can tell you left and right to leave him, but it's meaningless unless you get to that point and believe it is the right thing.

What do you need to be in a healthy relationship? Are you in one now? Do you think you deserve to be in a healthy relationship? Do you think your daughter deserves to be in a healthy and functioning family?

What have you already given up of yourself? You say you have already begun to lose yourself-- how much more of you can you afford to lose while still being a mother to your daughter? How much of you are you willing to give up? Are you able to put your foot down and stand up for your own self worth and needs as a partner, mother, wife, and individual?

It's hard to leave someone you love. It sounds like you still love him, and that is understandable. Don't get mad at yourself for caring about him-- that's normal. You invested years of your life to build something together with him. You share a child. You shared yourself, you gave, you sacrificed, and you gave yourself to your relationship. If it was easy to leave him or to stop loving him, it means that you didn't have anything in the first place. It's not something you can just walk away from.

But it sounds like you need to take steps to take care of yourself and your daughter. You are in an unacceptable situation right now, and it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself and her. Nobody else can do that for you, nobody else can make that decision for you. And no matter what those steps are, my wish and hope for you is that you, maybe with the help of a counselor or therapist can do the following:

- Accept that you and your daughter are people who deserve respect, who are worthy of love and support, and who are doing the best that you can. Accept that you do not deserve to be treated badly. You deserve better.

- Accept that it is your responsibility to make a plan, whatever that plan may be, to get yourselves out of this painful situation. Take whatever energy you have to follow the plan. If it means trying to make things better, then fine... but know you have to be firm and set ground rules and you cannot allow things to get back to how they are now. If it means a plan to eventually leave, or take a break, or have a trial separation, then you do what you have to do, you set deadlines for things, and you do it. Nobody else can do this step for you or make you do it. It is your responsibility.

- Put all of the energy that you have into yourself and your daughter and taking care of yourselves. Again-- whether it's a spa night, moving in with a friend for awhile, a mini-vacation, a shopping spree, girls' nights in...whatever it takes and whatever you have the resources and time and energy for, you need to take care of yourselves.

- Allow yourself to grieve, to suffer, to cry, and to think that life isn't fair. Don't beat yourself up for being upset. You gave yourself to make something work that isn't working. You gave your love to someone who is unable right now to give it back. You have given a piece of yourself and lost it. You have lost a lover and a friend and it sounds like a relationship. You don't have to accept it and be strong and move on-- the fact that you gave so much means that you have a RIGHT to grieve it. It means that it was and is worth something. It shows that you care. You have a right to cry, a right to be angry, a right to let some things that aren't important in the long run go (as long as you and your daughters' needs are met), and by all means, the right to express things.

And if you can't stand up for yourself right now, then use your daughter and draw strength from her-- from you as a mother protecting and standing up for your child.

I hope that this doesn't come across condescending or harmful. I have been reading this thread for the last few days and my heart aches every time I read it. I say this to you with all of the good wishes and love that an internet stranger can give, and I truly wish you and your daughter peace in your process, wherever it takes you.

[Samoray 165]

he has decided to go stay with some family in another state they are going to help him get a job.. i found that out through a text to his cousin.. guess he wrote it in english so i could read it.. It really breaks my heart to know that I have been used all this time.. And my daughter is in the middle of all this! Thank God I love her and could never leave her!!

You will get over him just give it some time without him in the picture, I think it's a lesson that you've learnt the hard way but you are still young you have a life ahead of you and your daughter too

[Resha 1]

I feel so betrayed! I can barely stand it!! I never thought this would be me.. I do love what I wish he would be.. that is true.. bc he is obviously not what I thought he was.. I hate that he can stay in the USA and still use the Sponsor.. I just pray he doesnt do anything stupid!

[Staashi 371]

There are very few benefits that a man has, access to. Sister, let it flow. Just breathe it out.

[fullcircle 3]

I feel so betrayed! I can barely stand it!! I never thought this would be me.. I do love what I wish he would be.. that is true.. bc he is obviously not what I thought he was.. I hate that he can stay in the USA and still use the Sponsor.. I just pray he doesnt do anything stupid!

I completely understand what you are going through. Please contact me anytime. I thought betrayal was the worst thing I could ever get over and I was so angry at myself for being so stupid. You are stronger than any betrayal from him or anyone else. You didn't ask for this and your loving heart is something to be thankful for and seen as a gift. It hurts so much when the person we want to see our inner beauty is so flippant about its depth and gift to him.

I don't know him. I don't understand him. I don't understand my own husband after 5 years. What I do know is how much I wanted him to be the person I made himself out to be in my mind. It feels like the world comes crashing down once the reality of who he is comes to light.

It says nothing about you but says everything about him. He is the troubled person who could not face being a man, husband and a father. He is the one to be ashamed, not you. Do not ever think twice that it was just you and you weren't good enough and that he will find the perfect wife and live happily ever after. What he gave you, he will give to her. How he made you feel, he will make her feel. Either way, he has NOTHING to offer anyone. I am willing to bet he will always keep looking for something to make him happy and he will never find it. He will be miserable because he has no concept that he had happiness in his hands with you and his daughter and he threw it all away through selfishness. He will never find happiness. Any woman he might attract will have his same values: immature, non-commital, insecure, selfish, flippant, etc. You know first hand what he brings to a relationship and that is what any girl in his future will get as well.

It hurts and hurts and hurts but please try to pay attention even to the smallest feelings that you have now that he is gone. You may very well begin to notice how free you feel. How much more time you have to start thinking about things that you can do for yourself that you haven't in a long time. You don't have to answer to anyone. You don't have to wonder when he's coming home, who he's been with, wonder who is calling him or who he is texting or the next moment he will get mad because of something you did that wasn't to his likeing or be put down for any reason. Start to notice the feel in the air when you are in your home. Start to see all the little things that begin to show up that make you feel better not matter how small.

It will get easier. I understand and I hope that you feel comfortable enough contacting me if you need anything.

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

[Gugusitolindo 32]

I completely understand what you are going through. Please contact me anytime. I thought betrayal was the worst thing I could ever get over and I was so angry at myself for being so stupid. You are stronger than any betrayal from him or anyone else. You didn't ask for this and your loving heart is something to be thankful for and seen as a gift. It hurts so much when the person we want to see our inner beauty is so flippant about its depth and gift to him.

I don't know him. I don't understand him. I don't understand my own husband after 5 years. What I do know is how much I wanted him to be the person I made himself out to be in my mind. It feels like the world comes crashing down once the reality of who he is comes to light.

It says nothing about you but says everything about him. He is the troubled person who could not face being a man, husband and a father. He is the one to be ashamed, not you. Do not ever think twice that it was just you and you weren't good enough and that he will find the perfect wife and live happily ever after. What he gave you, he will give to her. How he made you feel, he will make her feel. Either way, he has NOTHING to offer anyone. I am willing to bet he will always keep looking for something to make him happy and he will never find it. He will be miserable because he has no concept that he had happiness in his hands with you and his daughter and he threw it all away through selfishness. He will never find happiness. Any woman he might attract will have his same values: immature, non-commital, insecure, selfish, flippant, etc. You know first hand what he brings to a relationship and that is what any girl in his future will get as well.

It hurts and hurts and hurts but please try to pay attention even to the smallest feelings that you have now that he is gone. You may very well begin to notice how free you feel. How much more time you have to start thinking about things that you can do for yourself that you haven't in a long time. You don't have to answer to anyone. You don't have to wonder when he's coming home, who he's been with, wonder who is calling him or who he is texting or the next moment he will get mad because of something you did that wasn't to his likeing or be put down for any reason. Start to notice the feel in the air when you are in your home. Start to see all the little things that begin to show up that make you feel better not matter how small.

It will get easier. I understand and I hope that you feel comfortable enough contacting me if you need anything.

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

A beautiful post indeed!! Good job!

[KittyPollitt 284]

Resha, I wanted to tell you earlier but didn't get the chance. You need to decide if you want to turn him in to ICE with the evidence you have, or let it go so he stays here and you can go after him for child support. I really think you need to give him a dose of "American reality", that he can't just take advantage of an American woman like he has and get away with it scott free. Start building a case against him now- if he's on your lease, get him taken off of it, save those texts, collect some witnesses that he is deserting you. In 6 months, file for divorce on grounds of desertion- and make sure the divorce record states that he left right after getting his greencard- this will mess up his chances of being able to remove conditions on his own. Don't let him near you- I don't think he's smart enough to know about VAWA, but you never know.

Focus on getting your OWN life back and taking care of Fati. She needs special attention now, and no one's better to give it to her than you. You can get through this a stronger woman.

[tany1157 161]

Resha, I wanted to tell you earlier but didn't get the chance. You need to decide if you want to turn him in to ICE with the evidence you have, or let it go so he stays here and you can go after him for child support. I really think you need to give him a dose of "American reality", that he can't just take advantage of an American woman like he has and get away with it scott free. Start building a case against him now- if he's on your lease, get him taken off of it, save those texts, collect some witnesses that he is deserting you. In 6 months, file for divorce on grounds of desertion- and make sure the divorce record states that he left right after getting his greencard- this will mess up his chances of being able to remove conditions on his own. Don't let him near you- I don't think he's smart enough to know about VAWA, but you never know.

Focus on getting your OWN life back and taking care of Fati. She needs special attention now, and no one's better to give it to her than you. You can get through this a stronger woman.

Some very good advice, seems to be the norm with you

[Lisamarie 79]

I second that :thumbs:

And he might not know about VAWA but someone else might, and put the bug in his ear....just something to think about and be aware of, and more reason to build evidence now.

Some very good advice, seems to be the norm with you

[Lisamarie 79]

My heart is really breaking for you. I can only imagine how you feel. You have a lot of support and knowledgeable people here, so use it to vent, get advice, anything that will help you now. We're all here for you...... (((((HUGS))))) (F)

I feel so betrayed! I can barely stand it!! I never thought this would be me.. I do love what I wish he would be.. that is true.. bc he is obviously not what I thought he was.. I hate that he can stay in the USA and still use the Sponsor.. I just pray he doesnt do anything stupid!

[Resha 1]

How do you go about reporting fraud to ICE.. I am not being the fool here.. No way No how!

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

How do you go about reporting fraud to ICE.. I am not being the fool here.. No way No how!

It's at the bottom of every page on VJ - look down under "Important Disclaimer"

[Samoray 165]

Resha, I wanted to tell you earlier but didn't get the chance. You need to decide if you want to turn him in to ICE with the evidence you have, or let it go so he stays here and you can go after him for child support. I really think you need to give him a dose of "American reality", that he can't just take advantage of an American woman like he has and get away with it scott free. Start building a case against him now- if he's on your lease, get him taken off of it, save those texts, collect some witnesses that he is deserting you. In 6 months, file for divorce on grounds of desertion- and make sure the divorce record states that he left right after getting his greencard- this will mess up his chances of being able to remove conditions on his own. Don't let him near you- I don't think he's smart enough to know about VAWA, but you never know.

Focus on getting your OWN life back and taking care of Fati. She needs special attention now, and no one's better to give it to her than you. You can get through this a stronger woman.

+1