Tired woman here!

[Teffah 5]

Resha,

You know my story and I know a lot about yours! I don't think it's good for Adnan to be hanging out with his cousin, his wife already has doubts about his faithfulness! It is time to sit down and talk to him one on one with out interruptions and see if he is willing to change... to become the man you need him to be and the dad that Fatima really needs. She doesn't need someone who is hardly ever home to spend quality time with her. I know you love him, I know you do! But sometimes love can hurt us and we have to decide if it is worth it. Is it true love? Do you still truly love him? I know the adjustment to moving here is hard, I saw that in Bijad - but he has really started to work out his issues and has moved on and accepted life here as it is. We are equal and you should be as well. You are a wonderful woman and he should treat you like that!! I hate to see you going through this! I went through it too but I blame a lot of it on the adjustment to life here and thank goodness things are so much better. I hope you can get to this phase as well or he needs to go, he is not good for you or for Fatima. I grew up without a dad too... but I would rather it had been that way - then a dad that was around but never home.

[tany1157 161]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would like to give you advice based on my own experience in deciding to break up with my ex husband, the father of my child. Of course you go back and forth seeing what is good for your child, and what settled it for me was that I didn't want my son growing up thinking that a loveless marriage was how it was supposed to be. I didn't want him to think that constant bickering was ok. And if I would have stayed for my son, I didn't want him to someday feel guilty because we stayed in an unhappy marriage just for him. Just my two cents, but if you stay, you will be teaching that precious little girl that his behavior is acceptable, and will probably go into that same pattern of man when she is old enough to date. Of course it isn't 100%, but remember, you are her role model. You deserve respect and equality. I feel so sad for you guys, I remember when you guys passed the interview, I was your friend on fb, and saw the beautiful pics of your family. I know its very hard, but be the strong woman that I'm sure you can be! Pm me anytime, if you need to

[msheesha 548]

I do not believe all Moroccan men are this way.. I know there are bad people in all places.. Just depends on how lucky we are to find good ones

Oh I'm sorry if it seemed like I was referring to you. I wasn't. There was someone who posted after you that seemed to be generalizing all Miroccan men.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope there is relief for you soon

[Resha 1]

Oh I'm sorry if it seemed like I was referring to you. I wasn't. There was someone who posted after you that seemed to be generalizing all Miroccan men.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope there is relief for you soon

I know that you were not referring to me I just wanted to make sure everyone who read knew what I thought about that.. Moroccan or not it happens everywhere.. I dont think the poster before really thinks that as well.. Just wording..

And as I speak he is getting into his cousins car to go out... 4pm I am sure he wont be home until the wee hours of the morning.. I am more tired than ever.. I am tired of crying and my daughter seeing it! And seeing that he doesnt care.. I wish it were easier to just tell him to go.. Those who have had to go through this with their children please let me know how you decided and how u went about it... I am just tired..........

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

How old is your husband ? Disappearing to “play” for 6-12 hours a day while you’re left all alone to take care of your daughter and your home all by yourself is very childish and irresponsible.

It seems you are the sole breadwinner for the family as well as the sole cook, maid, and laundress - while he plays. No wonder you feel upset !

From your timeline, your husband has been in the U.S. for almost 14 months, but only got his EAD last month and has not found a job yet. So has he been carrying on in this way since he arrived ?

I am guessing that your child is around 2 to 3 years old. This is definitely old enough to notice that Mommy and Daddy spend a lot of time fighting, or that Daddy isn’t around much, or that Mommy is sad all the time. It’s not a good example or environment for your child.

Please ask yourself honestly what attracted you to this man in the first place. Was it because he exhibited the qualities of a man who would be a responsible husband and father ? Make a list for yourself with the reasons why you feel that you love him, and then the reasons why your marriage is not happy.

No one can change his attitude and behavior except him. However, you can change your life by taking control of it. You don’t have to be anyone’s doormat. But you are the only one who can decide how you will accept being treated, and how you will accept your child being treated.

[tany1157 161]

How old is your husband ? Disappearing to “play” for 6-12 hours a day while you’re left all alone to take care of your daughter and your home all by yourself is very childish and irresponsible.

It seems you are the sole breadwinner for the family as well as the sole cook, maid, and laundress - while he plays. No wonder you feel upset !

From your timeline, your husband has been in the U.S. for almost 14 months, but only got his EAD last month and has not found a job yet. So has he been carrying on in this way since he arrived ?

I am guessing that your child is around 2 to 3 years old. This is definitely old enough to notice that Mommy and Daddy spend a lot of time fighting, or that Daddy isn’t around much, or that Mommy is sad all the time. It’s not a good example or environment for your child.

Please ask yourself honestly what attracted you to this man in the first place. Was it because he exhibited the qualities of a man who would be a responsible husband and father ? Make a list for yourself with the reasons why you feel that you love him, and then the reasons why your marriage is not happy.

No one can change his attitude and behavior except him. However, you can change your life by taking control of it. You don’t have to be anyone’s doormat. But you are the only one who can decide how you will accept being treated, and how you will accept your child being treated.

:thumbs: excellent post!

[Resha 1]

it is a really good post thank you all for your responses.. my husband is 26 years old and yes hes been carrying on like this the whole time hes been here.. It is really my fault hes gotten this far acting how hes been acting.. I allowed it for so long, but I have asked him not to do it many many times and its not working.. I know its a bad environment for my daughter.. I have seen the effects already.. She is 2 1/2 now and she knows! She has shown a couple times that she understands it.. And its really sad for me! I really want to do this.. but its hard.. I really need ways to make this easier..

Edited March 21, 2011 by Resha

[tany1157 161]

it is a really good post thank you all for your responses.. my husband is 26 years old and yes hes been carrying on like this the whole time hes been here.. It is really my fault hes gotten this far acting how hes been acting.. I allowed it for so long, but I have asked him not to do it many many times and its not working.. I know its a bad environment for my daughter.. I have seen the effects already.. She is 2 1/2 now and she knows! She has shown a couple times that she understands it.. And its really sad for me! I really want to do this.. but its hard.. I really need ways to make this easier..

It won't be easy BUT, once you take that first step, you will take another, and another. You MUST ask him to leave, or you leave. That is the first step....(assuming you want to leave, I do not want to dictate what you do)Maybe you have family you can stay with? You have seen your fault in this,(BUT, he is a grown man, and needs to take responsibility for his actions) but now you can choose whether to live with it, or realize you deserve better than it. Once you are apart, it will suck, it will, but, you have to remember, that only time will heal it. And it will get better, I promise it will. That little girl will give you the light you need. I am praying for you, because I know the pain of breaking up a family, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but do what is best for you and your daughter.

Edited March 21, 2011 by tany1157

[Sergi9 110]

it is a really good post thank you all for your responses.. my husband is 26 years old and yes hes been carrying on like this the whole time hes been here.. It is really my fault hes gotten this far acting how hes been acting.. I allowed it for so long, but I have asked him not to do it many many times and its not working.. I know its a bad environment for my daughter.. I have seen the effects already.. She is 2 1/2 now and she knows! She has shown a couple times that she understands it.. And its really sad for me! I really want to do this.. but its hard.. I really need ways to make this easier..

next time he takes off, go to the hardware store, buy new locks.

Or, just pick up and go home to family. It would probably be less turmoil and hassle as you will not have the issue of him pounding on your parents door trying to get in the house at 3am and will have the support you need to get through a difficult time.

[Golden Gate 530]

I know that you were not referring to me I just wanted to make sure everyone who read knew what I thought about that.

. Moroccan or not it happens everywhere.. I dont think the poster before really thinks that as well.. Just wording..

And as I speak he is getting into his cousins car to go out... 4pm I am sure he wont be home until the wee hours of the morning.. I am more tired than ever.. I am tired of crying and my daughter seeing it! And seeing that he doesnt care.. I wish it were easier to just tell him to go.. Those who have had to go through this with their children please let me know how you decided and how u went about it... I am just tired..........

Hi,

I was in a similar situation to you. I was pregnant with our first child. We were fighting a lot. He couldn't keep a job. I was working full time, but sick all the time with the pregnancy. He disappeared with 5 months left before our daughter was born. I then found out he had been living with a girl at her parents' house. Getting free meals, free love, yet lying to her family. I changed the locks on my door, wrote a letter for him to get his stuff or I would throw it out. Then he suddenly appears on the street and says he is sorry and wants to come back.

I, too, was caught in the dilemma of wanting my daughter to have her father. I went to counselors for a long time. It took me a long time to realize what I needed to do.

He came back and stayed until I was pregnant again. Then I couldn't take his behavior anymore and I realized enough was enough. I went home to my Dad's house. He ended up following me. In his case, he was always trying to make me think things could be better. However, I could never accept the miserable things that happened to me.

Now, finally, I am free of him. He has followed me everywhere. I moved again to another state. He followed me. His children have a relationship with him. I don't. His daughter is very close with him. His son, not as strongly, but they still get together.

However, I cannot imagine now how I ever was with this man. It is totally baffling to me. I, too, was getting sick all the time, and he would tell me I was selfish for being sick. I was sick with stress. It is a crazy bunch of mind games.

There is so much more to life than that. My counselor told me that the children will determine their own relationship with him. That is, if the father will stick around to get to know his children. That is what is happening. Yes, it can be difficult to be a single mom. However, it is better to be a single mom and have your dignity, than feel the way such a person can make you feel.

An aside: He never drank when he was with me, but he had before he met me. Once he disappeared he started drinking again.

I can never be with someone who drinks. It was a destructive force in my own family. I don't see any good in it at all. It impairs

good judgement.

Good luck in whatever you decide. It took me about 5 times leaving him to finally move out for good.

Edited March 21, 2011 by Golden Gate

[sara535 15]

Ripping the bandaid off and taking the huge step of actually ending it is not going to be easy in any way, shape or form. But your situation now isnt easy either. You may very well find that once the first step is over and done its all a lot easier than you imagined it would be. Dont let your daughter grow up thinking its fine for a man to treat a woman like dog poop.

[KittyPollitt 284]

Resha, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You and your amazing daughter deserve more than this. If you are the sole breadwinner in the family, as others have pointed out, maybe it's time you remind him of this. He wants to eat, he better make it himself, he wants clean clothes to go out- time he washed them himself. Who's funding his "fun"? Don't contribute even a little bit. If this pisses him off and he leaves, well then, obviously he's not the type of Dad you want for your daughter anyway. Not having a Dad around is tough, but I can speak from experience when I say that having a bad father isn't any better If you ever want someone to dump your problems on, you know where you can find me.

Sarah

[Resha 1]

thanks guys.. I am off to the counselor now.. Maybe she can make me feel a little better about all this.. Its nice being able to talk to someone about things.. I recommend it to anyone having problems!!

[morocco4ever 63]

Wow, this is so sad. I don't come here often any more, but I read your post and had to say something.

Any marriage is a challenge, and add a different culture into the factor can make it even that much harder. But there is no excuse for his behavior. To an outsider it appears that he is only using you for conveniences. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have seen so many women fall into this trap. Then to top it off, you have a child together. That makes your decision much harder indeed.

Getting him out of the house is not exactly easy. He will try the "you brought me here, and now you throw me out with no place to go?" guilt trip. Personally I prefer to "get straight to the point" and tell him you want him gone. But that doesn't work for everyone.

I like the person that suggested that you do nothing for him. In fact, don't even have food in the house. Take you and your daughter some where else to get food. Don't give him money for anything. It would be interesting to see how long he has no where else to go when he isn't getting anything he desires from home.

Never forget, there are much worse things in life than growing up without a father in your life. Keep that in mind as you make your decision. He sounds like a total A$$ wipe!

[Lisamarie 79]

I am very sorry for what you are going through. If a person starts losing who they are in a marriage then there is a real problem. You are trying to do what you can to make him happy, but it seems like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. He isn't going to be happy either way. And he has no consideration for you if you aren't feeling well, which leads me to believe that he is purely selfish, or he just doesn't care. Either way you sound like a really honest and giving person and you deserve better.

It is a good idea not to give him any money anymore, but I also understand how hard that is with him standing in front of you while he is demanding it from you, possibly getting angry when you deny him. He seems to have a short fuse. Do what you can without putting yourself in any danger, I'm not sure if he is capable of being violent if he doesn't get what he wants or he would just take off, etc. You know the answer to that. You could always say there isn't any money left after paying the bills and buying food.

I think the counseling is a great thing you are doing for yourself and maybe the counselor can help you in your decision on what to do, that is right for you and your child. Take care and God Bless...