Tired woman here!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Imagine that your daughter was with such a man and what you would tell her to do, then do it. Women tend to marry men like their fathers, so it's up to you to save her and yourself from the cycle of abuse. To hell with him, he gets what he deserves. Karma is a b!tch, and that's a good thing.

Edited March 21, 2011 by Sofiyya

[Resha 1]

well we just had a big fight I was trying to be nice and stop the fighting but... I have to change myself for him! When I say I want him to change for me he wont.. Bc hes a male and im a female he said.. He says he wants me to clean cook everyday or he doesnt want to be with me.. He told me we were so close to not being together so I told him to go.. Call his cousin and go.. So of course he got mad and took off in the car.. Told me to call his cousin to come get him at no place other than the POOL HALL.. his sanctuary! I am heartbroken bc I do love him but im really just soo freaking tired!

[tany1157 161]

well we just had a big fight I was trying to be nice and stop the fighting but... I have to change myself for him! When I say I want him to change for me he wont.. Bc hes a male and im a female he said.. He says he wants me to clean cook everyday or he doesnt want to be with me.. He told me we were so close to not being together so I told him to go.. Call his cousin and go.. So of course he got mad and took off in the car.. Told me to call his cousin to come get him at no place other than the POOL HALL.. his sanctuary! I am heartbroken bc I do love him but im really just soo freaking tired!

LEAVE HIM! Please, you DESERVE BETTER! Let him go! HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! I dated someone like this, almost exactly....it took my ENTIRE family to practically disown me, just so I could see what he was doing to me, and I thank God everyday I had family to help me see it, even though it SUCKED at the time....I hope you can grab your courage, and kick his a$$ to the curb. Excuse my french, but what a PIECE OF SH!T!!! :angry:

:ranting: Damn, I'm fired up over this guy

[Samoray 165]

well we just had a big fight I was trying to be nice and stop the fighting but... I have to change myself for him! When I say I want him to change for me he wont.. Bc hes a male and im a female he said.. He says he wants me to clean cook everyday or he doesnt want to be with me.. He told me we were so close to not being together so I told him to go.. Call his cousin and go.. So of course he got mad and took off in the car.. Told me to call his cousin to come get him at no place other than the POOL HALL.. his sanctuary! I am heartbroken bc I do love him but im really just soo freaking tired!

There is no way out of this but to let him go

[KittyPollitt 284]

well we just had a big fight I was trying to be nice and stop the fighting but... I have to change myself for him! When I say I want him to change for me he wont.. Bc hes a male and im a female he said.. He says he wants me to clean cook everyday or he doesnt want to be with me.. He told me we were so close to not being together so I told him to go.. Call his cousin and go.. So of course he got mad and took off in the car.. Told me to call his cousin to come get him at no place other than the POOL HALL.. his sanctuary! I am heartbroken bc I do love him but im really just soo freaking tired!

Tell him to take his #### home. Better yet, call his family and tell his mother what he's doing to you and his daughter. Tell them that his cousin is leading him astray from his family. He's bringing shame to his whole family- bring that shame right to him. Take back the car keys, change the house keys, get a restraining order, and let him try to make it on his own here in America. Maybe then he'll realize what an #### he's being.

Girl if it was me, I'd get a sitter and show up at that pool hall every night and nag the hell out of him. And if that didn't work and he still wanted to live the life of a single man, I'd give him the life of a single man. Screw him.

[msheesha 548]

I'm really sorry you're going through this and I also agree with tany when she advises you to leave him. It seems like your Life in the long run will be so much better for you without him. If he's not working and you are he should be the one cooking and cleaning etc. It is nor cultural. He is just being a selfish horrible human being. you and your daughter deserve much much better.

Don't bother going to the pool hall. Save your energy for yourself. Is the car in your name? If he took the car without your permission and it's in your name only he technically stole it and you can call the police on him. You may not be at that point yet but it's something to keep in mind.

He doesn't seem to be interested in working in the marriage or finding a job. He seems pretty set on mooching off of you and treating you like a maid while you are working and providing for him. It's difficult to understand what there is to love about him. As many other people have said it is not good for your daughter to see all of this bi think it's much healthier for a daughter to see her mother survive on her own then it is for a daughter to see her mother being mistreated. Hes also neglecting your daughter by being out of the house. You are continuing to subject yourself and your daughter to an abusive selfish man.

I hope you find the strength to get him out of your life as soon as possible.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

You don't really love him; you love what you want him to be. But, that's not who he is, and you need to accept that. This is not only about what he does or doesn't do. It's also about what you do or don't do. You can't make him treat you well,but you can treat yourself well, but that won't happen as long as you have him believing that you're not willing to make his life at least as hard as he's making yours.

Since he's so happy hanging out with his cousin, and not with you and your daughter, thrill him to no end by making that arrangement permanent asap.

[AmyWrites 593]

You don't really love him; you love what you want him to be.

I'm not part of this regional forum but ^^ that's genius.

You need to leave him and never look back.

He's taking advantage of you.

Don't let him. There's someone out there for you who will respect you, care for you, treat you and your daughter like you deserve. If he's like this now, he won't be a good dad either...

So kick him to the curb!

[Staashi 371]

OK, first and foremost, ** him and the horse he rode in on.

Second, I don't care if there's another man out there for you in your future. You need to deal with the present. So, you know what's out there...your pride and your dignity. Teach this to your daughter as she needs to know that those two things are far more important to you right now than anything with a #######, even your husband. Just sayin'.

[Samoray 165]

OK, first and foremost, ** him and the horse he rode in on.

Second, I don't care if there's another man out there for you in your future. You need to deal with the present. So, you know what's out there...your pride and your dignity. Teach this to your daughter as she needs to know that those two things are far more important to you right now than anything with a #######, even your husband. Just sayin'.

LOL @ bold text

[kristen_maroc 126]

I know everyone is telling you to leave him, but I also know that until you believe that, it won't do much to hear other people talk ###### about him.

So, my loving, supportive advice to you is the following: take care of yourself and your daughter right now. You might not be at the point where you can leave him, and that decision needs to be a decision that you make yourself and an empowering step for you.

Do what it takes to do what is right for the two of you. Take a vacation with her, stay with a friend... treat yourself to a spa night... write down all the things that you deserve as a human being and a bright, strong woman. Write down what you need to be happy and whole, and ask yourself what steps you can and are willing to take to get there or at what point you are willing to leave.

People can tell you left and right to leave him, but it's meaningless unless you get to that point and believe it is the right thing.

What do you need to be in a healthy relationship? Are you in one now? Do you think you deserve to be in a healthy relationship? Do you think your daughter deserves to be in a healthy and functioning family?

What have you already given up of yourself? You say you have already begun to lose yourself-- how much more of you can you afford to lose while still being a mother to your daughter? How much of you are you willing to give up? Are you able to put your foot down and stand up for your own self worth and needs as a partner, mother, wife, and individual?

It's hard to leave someone you love. It sounds like you still love him, and that is understandable. Don't get mad at yourself for caring about him-- that's normal. You invested years of your life to build something together with him. You share a child. You shared yourself, you gave, you sacrificed, and you gave yourself to your relationship. If it was easy to leave him or to stop loving him, it means that you didn't have anything in the first place. It's not something you can just walk away from.

But it sounds like you need to take steps to take care of yourself and your daughter. You are in an unacceptable situation right now, and it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself and her. Nobody else can do that for you, nobody else can make that decision for you. And no matter what those steps are, my wish and hope for you is that you, maybe with the help of a counselor or therapist can do the following:

- Accept that you and your daughter are people who deserve respect, who are worthy of love and support, and who are doing the best that you can. Accept that you do not deserve to be treated badly. You deserve better.

- Accept that it is your responsibility to make a plan, whatever that plan may be, to get yourselves out of this painful situation. Take whatever energy you have to follow the plan. If it means trying to make things better, then fine... but know you have to be firm and set ground rules and you cannot allow things to get back to how they are now. If it means a plan to eventually leave, or take a break, or have a trial separation, then you do what you have to do, you set deadlines for things, and you do it. Nobody else can do this step for you or make you do it. It is your responsibility.

- Put all of the energy that you have into yourself and your daughter and taking care of yourselves. Again-- whether it's a spa night, moving in with a friend for awhile, a mini-vacation, a shopping spree, girls' nights in...whatever it takes and whatever you have the resources and time and energy for, you need to take care of yourselves.

- Allow yourself to grieve, to suffer, to cry, and to think that life isn't fair. Don't beat yourself up for being upset. You gave yourself to make something work that isn't working. You gave your love to someone who is unable right now to give it back. You have given a piece of yourself and lost it. You have lost a lover and a friend and it sounds like a relationship. You don't have to accept it and be strong and move on-- the fact that you gave so much means that you have a RIGHT to grieve it. It means that it was and is worth something. It shows that you care. You have a right to cry, a right to be angry, a right to let some things that aren't important in the long run go (as long as you and your daughters' needs are met), and by all means, the right to express things.

And if you can't stand up for yourself right now, then use your daughter and draw strength from her-- from you as a mother protecting and standing up for your child.

I hope that this doesn't come across condescending or harmful. I have been reading this thread for the last few days and my heart aches every time I read it. I say this to you with all of the good wishes and love that an internet stranger can give, and I truly wish you and your daughter peace in your process, wherever it takes you.

[Jenn! 918]

Hi, don't have a Moroccan husband but let me say this: this is not cultural. This sounds like an immature jacka$$ who just wants to play around and live like a single man even though he is married and has a kid.

You're probably right, but I can't help but notice that I've read this story on VJ what seems like a million times, but have never encountered it amongst "real life" friends. Maybe just different circles? Maybe this is the sort of behavior of a "lower class", less educated man in Morocco and in the U.S. alike? Who knows...but I tend to believe that certain behaviors are more tolerated in some cultures. That's not to say that people of certain cultures are predisposed to these behaviors, rather that they are more culturally acceptable. And by culture, I mean subculture that could exist in any country.

[RAKASA 0]

You're probably right, but I can't help but notice that I've read this story on VJ what seems like a million times, but have never encountered it amongst "real life" friends. Maybe just different circles? Maybe this is the sort of behavior of a "lower class", less educated man in Morocco and in the U.S. alike? Who knows...but I tend to believe that certain behaviors are more tolerated in some cultures. That's not to say that people of certain cultures are predisposed to these behaviors, rather that they are more culturally acceptable. And by culture, I mean subculture that could exist in any country.

I think you may be pretty on target here Jenn. I've seen this scenario a million times on VJ (& other forums) even though I haven't really been here regularly in ages - meaning, it's been going on forever. Good luck to the OP.

Edited March 22, 2011 by RAKASA

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I think perhaps this kind of behavior takes different forms in different cultures, although in some it is more common then others? Aren't there american men who spend all their time in their man cave watching sports or out at the bar with friends?

In Egyptian culture, men will often stay out late at cafes with other men talking while their wives stay home, at least from what I've observed and from what I've talked about with AbuS.

To the OP, I don't have any real advice other than to stay strong and don't compromise to the point where you've lost yourself. I would hope that your kicking him out will be a wake up call and he'd be willing to change, but if not, then I do hope you are better off without him. Positive thoughts and vibes are headed your way.

[Resha 1]

he has decided to go stay with some family in another state they are going to help him get a job.. i found that out through a text to his cousin.. guess he wrote it in english so i could read it.. It really breaks my heart to know that I have been used all this time.. And my daughter is in the middle of all this! Thank God I love her and could never leave her!!