Help!

[fullcircle 3]

We have been married over 4 years. We have been separated since the beginning of December. I am the US Citizen and my husband is from Morocco. He has his 10 year Green Card. We could not find a happy medium with the cultural differences. I believe the biggest part for the breakdown of our marriage was his inability to adjust to the US.

He is severely depressed and has completely isolated himself except for work. He said that the only way he thinks he will be happy is to move back to Morocco. He said he would be happy for me to go with him, but he knows, and he is right, I could not be happy there.

I have tried to help him, get him to the Dr., medicine, exercise, finding Moroccan friends, make familiar food; you name it. His depression just got worse and worse. He refused any help I gave him. He thinks medicine will turn him into someone else and that it will make him addicted to medicine. He has a very good career, even with US standards, and very successful there. He wanted to separate to see if he could be happy and learn to live on his own, but he still feels unhappy. The only solution he thinks there is is to move back to Morocco. He said there is more to do there and he can be himself and feel more secure.

It is very sad for both of us and we have talked and cried for hours and hours.

Yes, I have thought about the fact he may have someone to marry back home or he wants a divorce and disappear from my life for another woman here or to just be done with me. I agree those are all possibilities.

What I do know, his family has called me because they are so worried about him because he won't call them. They don't know why or what is happening with him. One of his sisters speaks some english so I have been able to tell her what is happening. We have talked back and forth for the past 3 weeks. She said that her and my husband's mother and father, my in-laws, do not want the divorce, have said that they will not accept the divorce and that divorce is not good. They consider me as their own daughter and love me and know that I am good and that their son loves me. His sister was shocked when I said that he was going to go back to Morocco. She said she didn't believe it. My husband won't call them even though they try to call him everyday. I tell him to call his family and he keeps saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow...and never does it. His family tells me that they love me and miss me and not to divorce.

I want to be able to talk to them about his depression and mental health but since I don't know arabic or french, I cannot tell them everything. I am hoping by telling them about his depression that they will convince him to get help and medicine.

I don't want a divorce and I don't want him to move back to Morocco. It breaks my heart. I want him to be happy and if a divorce and moving back home is what will make him happy, then I will not stop him. I just don't want to wonder what could have been if he got the help he needs and learned he could be happy no matter where he is. I feel like this is my last ditch effort to save my marriage. Otherwise, I have to divorce him and let him go.

I have tried to give his sister my email address and she has tried to give me her email address but neither of us understood the other and we weren't able to send or receive any emails. I have tried to stumble through some French while I spoke to his sister but she didn't understand. My husband does not want to sit down together to talk with them and even if he did, he would not want me to talk about depression or medicine.

Is there a phone application that is available to speak in english over the phone and have the receiver hear what I'm saying in French?

Is there someone around the Iowa City, Iowa area that would be willing to sit down with me and translate while I speak to his parents and family?

I have thought about typing up a letter and using google language tools to translate it to french and then send the letter but that takes a long time to get to them.

Does anybody have any thoughts, suggestions, ideas, anything that might help this situation?? What should I do? What can I do?

[Vanessa1 7]

First of all my heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for what you are both going through. I sincerely hope you can figure it out. You know how you don't think you would be happy in Morocco? That's got to be how he's feeling. So to help him, can you try putting yourself in his shoes? Maybe you already have. I remember when I was there for only a couple of months I was so terribly homesick and couldn't wait to get back. I know my husband goes through the same thing but the difference is that when he goes back it will only be a visit. I cannot imagine how that feels and am so grateful that I don't have to but it gives me a lot of patience for him and in the back of my mind I know that perhaps someday he may say to me you know I just can't live here anymore. I hope that day never comes but I married a man from another country that is so different so I know I have to be fair to him. I have thought a lot about what it would take for me to be happy there and so I am ready if that day comes. For me it's about having a teaching job in an American school and being able to get home regularly. Then it would be making sure he'd have the same patience with me. Is this something you can think about? I also know a couple where the wife is American and the husband is British and every few years they live in each country. This way neither of them feels like they are NEVER going home and that might be something that contributes to the depression too. I am not a professional, obviously, but am just offering ideas.

In terms of the communication, there are online translators and Microsoft Word also does translations. If you have a family member that speaks French it's a lot easier because the translation from Arabic is more difficult. I have used this in the past to talk to my in laws when I was visiting in Morocco and my husband was getting his medical exam in Casablanca. Good luck to you and I hope you are both able to work this out.

Edited March 15, 2011 by Vanessa1

[Samoray 165]

Hello, I am sorry you're going through this with your marriage I think you've done so much, if he refuses to help himself in this situation there is not much you or his family can do But if you want to write them a letter, i use Google translate, it is not gonna be perfect but it would be understandable to them in french If you wanna write it in Arabic, you can PM me with whatever you wanna say in English and i will type it to you in standard Arabic I wish you can save your marriage Good Luck

[KittyPollitt 284]

My husband might be willing to translate darija on a 3 way call. PM me if you're interested.

Sarah

[MrsAmera 41]

Honey - I just wanted to let you know we went through this a lot too. As far as meds my husband was very very opposed to this but after going in for a checkup with the doctor SHE recommended it (she was also an immigrant so I think it helped that she could level with him). IF he won't take meds how about vitamins?? Living in the northern climates as we do ppl from warmer climates have severe Vitamin D deficiency esp with the long dark winters. See if he'll take 1000mg of Vit D a day as a vitamin - it might help him. Has he gone home to visit? Visiting home reminded my husband of what he left behind here. I think the difference might be though that he always knew it didn't matter to me where we lived (in US or Morocco) so the decision was ultimately his. I hope squeaky's husband can help translate with the family.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Check your private messages.

[fullcircle 3]

First of all my heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for what you are both going through. I sincerely hope you can figure it out. You know how you don't think you would be happy in Morocco? That's got to be how he's feeling. So to help him, can you try putting yourself in his shoes? Maybe you already have. I remember when I was there for only a couple of months I was so terribly homesick and couldn't wait to get back. I know my husband goes through the same thing but the difference is that when he goes back it will only be a visit. I cannot imagine how that feels and am so grateful that I don't have to but it gives me a lot of patience for him and in the back of my mind I know that perhaps someday he may say to me you know I just can't live here anymore. I hope that day never comes but I married a man from another country that is so different so I know I have to be fair to him. I have thought a lot about what it would take for me to be happy there and so I am ready if that day comes. For me it's about having a teaching job in an American school and being able to get home regularly. Then it would be making sure he'd have the same patience with me. Is this something you can think about? I also know a couple where the wife is American and the husband is British and every few years they live in each country. This way neither of them feels like they are NEVER going home and that might be something that contributes to the depression too. I am not a professional, obviously, but am just offering ideas.

In terms of the communication, there are online translators and Microsoft Word also does translations. If you have a family member that speaks French it's a lot easier because the translation from Arabic is more difficult. I have used this in the past to talk to my in laws when I was visiting in Morocco and my husband was getting his medical exam in Casablanca. Good luck to you and I hope you are both able to work this out.

I know what you are saying about putting myself in his shoes. I realize there is no way I can know completely how he feels but I have tried my best to understand. I know how out of place I felt in Morocco and the feeling of just being in another world. I don't think I could have done what he has done; moving away from his family-his everything, friends, food, culture, climate, security, and so on. It took tremendous faith, courage, bravery, strength and trust to uproot himself to leave all he has ever known to be implanted into a place like the US which is every man for himself, weak family bonds, work to eat, bills, responsibility, food, climate, unfamiliar, adjusting to working in the US, money being spent on bills as soon as he is paid, feeling guilt and responsibility to provide for his family in Morocco, being an instant dad and husband, being under the control of immigration and dealing with the stares and looks from the people here because he looks and sounds different. Who wouldn't be susceptible to depression or other health issues? I do not think I could have done it. Just the times I've been in Morocco, I felt so disconnected and glared at and helpless. I can't imagine what that would do to me over the course of 4 years.

Don't get me wrong, I love Morocco. I think it is a beautiful country and I love his family and friends. Even though I didn't know arabic or french, all of us tried very hard to get to know each other and enjoy each other. If I didn't have a daughter, I would move to Morocco with him. My daughter has special needs and the services and care she needs would not be available in Morocco; at least not as readily available or as good as she would have here to help her with skills she will need to be as successful as she can be in life. I can't take that away from her.

Hello, I am sorry you're going through this with your marriage I think you've done so much, if he refuses to help himself in this situation there is not much you or his family can do But if you want to write them a letter, i use Google translate, it is not gonna be perfect but it would be understandable to them in french If you wanna write it in Arabic, you can PM me with whatever you wanna say in English and i will type it to you in standard Arabic I wish you can save your marriage Good Luck

Thank you. I do realize that it is ultimately his choice and if he refuses any help, then there is nothing I can do to force him or ask his family to force him. I do realize that I can only do so much.

My husband might be willing to translate darija on a 3 way call. PM me if you're interested.

Sarah

Thank you. I believe I have found a translator here in Iowa City. I knew VJ would come through!!

Honey - I just wanted to let you know we went through this a lot too. As far as meds my husband was very very opposed to this but after going in for a checkup with the doctor SHE recommended it (she was also an immigrant so I think it helped that she could level with him). IF he won't take meds how about vitamins?? Living in the northern climates as we do ppl from warmer climates have severe Vitamin D deficiency esp with the long dark winters. See if he'll take 1000mg of Vit D a day as a vitamin - it might help him. Has he gone home to visit? Visiting home reminded my husband of what he left behind here. I think the difference might be though that he always knew it didn't matter to me where we lived (in US or Morocco) so the decision was ultimately his. I hope squeaky's husband can help translate with the family.

I do agree that a lot of his depression is fueled by the long, cold, gray and dreary winter. I have bought Vit D for him to take but he took it for a couple of days, and then said he didn't need it. Very frustrating. He did go to a Dr. a couple of years ago and she told him he was depressed. I was shocked and grateful that she picked up on that and he was open to taking some medicine she prescribed. That one made him so tired all the time. He tried another one and that one took his libido away and that more or less sent him into a panic and made him decide that he won't take any more medicine. I tried explaining that there are many different medicines that he can try, there can be side effects with any medicine, over time the side effects usually go away, or there are always different medicines to keep trying with. I explained that it can take time, it is a matter of seeing what does and doesn't work but eventually, the right one will help and he just needs to be patient. He didn't want to hear any of it.

[Lisamarie 79]

I agree about your daughter and I would do the same thing....

My heart breaks for you, I really hope you can find a resolution in your situation.

I know what you are saying about putting myself in his shoes. I realize there is no way I can know completely how he feels but I have tried my best to understand. I know how out of place I felt in Morocco and the feeling of just being in another world. I don't think I could have done what he has done; moving away from his family-his everything, friends, food, culture, climate, security, and so on. It took tremendous faith, courage, bravery, strength and trust to uproot himself to leave all he has ever known to be implanted into a place like the US which is every man for himself, weak family bonds, work to eat, bills, responsibility, food, climate, unfamiliar, adjusting to working in the US, money being spent on bills as soon as he is paid, feeling guilt and responsibility to provide for his family in Morocco, being an instant dad and husband, being under the control of immigration and dealing with the stares and looks from the people here because he looks and sounds different. Who wouldn't be susceptible to depression or other health issues? I do not think I could have done it. Just the times I've been in Morocco, I felt so disconnected and glared at and helpless. I can't imagine what that would do to me over the course of 4 years.

Don't get me wrong, I love Morocco. I think it is a beautiful country and I love his family and friends. Even though I didn't know arabic or french, all of us tried very hard to get to know each other and enjoy each other. If I didn't have a daughter, I would move to Morocco with him. My daughter has special needs and the services and care she needs would not be available in Morocco; at least not as readily available or as good as she would have here to help her with skills she will need to be as successful as she can be in life. I can't take that away from her.

Thank you. I do realize that it is ultimately his choice and if he refuses any help, then there is nothing I can do to force him or ask his family to force him. I do realize that I can only do so much.

Thank you. I believe I have found a translator here in Iowa City. I knew VJ would come through!!

I do agree that a lot of his depression is fueled by the long, cold, gray and dreary winter. I have bought Vit D for him to take but he took it for a couple of days, and then said he didn't need it. Very frustrating. He did go to a Dr. a couple of years ago and she told him he was depressed. I was shocked and grateful that she picked up on that and he was open to taking some medicine she prescribed. That one made him so tired all the time. He tried another one and that one took his libido away and that more or less sent him into a panic and made him decide that he won't take any more medicine. I tried explaining that there are many different medicines that he can try, there can be side effects with any medicine, over time the side effects usually go away, or there are always different medicines to keep trying with. I explained that it can take time, it is a matter of seeing what does and doesn't work but eventually, the right one will help and he just needs to be patient. He didn't want to hear any of it.

[sachinky 465]

All the best to you. I hope you can work things out.

Edited March 16, 2011 by sachinky

[aminah 6]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Fullcircle.

[kristen_maroc 126]

Good luck to both of you.

[Hicham♥Sara 15]

Does anybody have any thoughts, suggestions, ideas, anything that might help this situation?? What should I do? What can I do?[/font][/size]

First, I have read this thread a couple times and it really has been on my heart. So, I want you to know I put some thought into this.

Have you ever thought about moving somewhere? Somewhere that might be more like Morocco in the US? More sunshine, warmth, lots of corner stores, a lot of people, somewhere like Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Somewhere where the landscape, ocean , sun and architechture are more like it there. You would have the benefit of the US with the feel of Morocco. Really I know .. moving? But I think it is something good to consider . Hicham and I have talked about moving to Florida too. I love Florida, I love the Caribbean and I love Morocco, I love the houses in FL and the laid back lifestyle just like in Morocco. They even have cafe like places more abundantly in towns like that in Florida.

This is my Idea, God bless

Sarasusan

[Gugusitolindo 32]

First, I have read this thread a couple times and it really has been on my heart. So, I want you to know I put some thought into this.

Have you ever thought about moving somewhere? Somewhere that might be more like Morocco in the US? More sunshine, warmth, lots of corner stores, a lot of people, somewhere like Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Somewhere where the landscape, ocean , sun and architechture are more like it there. You would have the benefit of the US with the feel of Morocco. Really I know .. moving? But I think it is something good to consider . Hicham and I have talked about moving to Florida too. I love Florida, I love the Caribbean and I love Morocco, I love the houses in FL and the laid back lifestyle just like in Morocco. They even have cafe like places more abundantly in towns like that in Florida.

This is my Idea, God bless

Sarasusan

Hey Sarasusan, what great idea, moving to Ft.Lauderdale FL is marvelous idea. I live in Ft.lauderdale, and my husband got here

a year ago, and he seems pretty adjusted so far! Sunny all year long.....and when rain comes you enjoy it! Great Suggestion!!

[Hicham&Darlene 0]

I know what you are saying about putting myself in his shoes. I realize there is no way I can know completely how he feels but I have tried my best to understand. I know how out of place I felt in Morocco and the feeling of just being in another world. I don't think I could have done what he has done; moving away from his family-his everything, friends, food, culture, climate, security, and so on. It took tremendous faith, courage, bravery, strength and trust to uproot himself to leave all he has ever known to be implanted into a place like the US which is every man for himself, weak family bonds, work to eat, bills, responsibility, food, climate, unfamiliar, adjusting to working in the US, money being spent on bills as soon as he is paid, feeling guilt and responsibility to provide for his family in Morocco, being an instant dad and husband, being under the control of immigration and dealing with the stares and looks from the people here because he looks and sounds different. Who wouldn't be susceptible to depression or other health issues? I do not think I could have done it. Just the times I've been in Morocco, I felt so disconnected and glared at and helpless. I can't imagine what that would do to me over the course of 4 years.

Don't get me wrong, I love Morocco. I think it is a beautiful country and I love his family and friends. Even though I didn't know arabic or french, all of us tried very hard to get to know each other and enjoy each other. If I didn't have a daughter, I would move to Morocco with him. My daughter has special needs and the services and care she needs would not be available in Morocco; at least not as readily available or as good as she would have here to help her with skills she will need to be as successful as she can be in life. I can't take that away from her.

Thank you. I do realize that it is ultimately his choice and if he refuses any help, then there is nothing I can do to force him or ask his family to force him. I do realize that I can only do so much.

Thank you. I believe I have found a translator here in Iowa City. I knew VJ would come through!!

I do agree that a lot of his depression is fueled by the long, cold, gray and dreary winter. I have bought Vit D for him to take but he took it for a couple of days, and then said he didn't need it. Very frustrating. He did go to a Dr. a couple of years ago and she told him he was depressed. I was shocked and grateful that she picked up on that and he was open to taking some medicine she prescribed. That one made him so tired all the time. He tried another one and that one took his libido away and that more or less sent him into a panic and made him decide that he won't take any more medicine. I tried explaining that there are many different medicines that he can try, there can be side effects with any medicine, over time the side effects usually go away, or there are always different medicines to keep trying with. I explained that it can take time, it is a matter of seeing what does and doesn't work but eventually, the right one will help and he just needs to be patient. He didn't want to hear any of it.

I understand i dont like pills either hard to remember to take vitamin everyday. Hicham is same way i have to remind him to take his vitamin. Maybe he could talk to someone a counselor or iman ( not sure of the spelling). Hicham has same issues especially during winter. We are from minnesota. Everyone gets the winter blues but it is worse for them. They are not used to being confined to the house. The internet has been great help vidoe chat with his mom is wonderful. I dont know if his family has computer but that is one great hepl to us. Facebook has helped him alot he can connect with morocco freinds all over the place. I wish he had a friend close that he could hang out with. It is hard we live in small town. A vacatio may help too i am praying for you guys

darlene

[Hicham♥Sara 15]

Hey Sarasusan, what great idea, moving to Ft.Lauderdale FL is marvelous idea. I live in Ft.lauderdale, and my husband got here

a year ago, and he seems pretty adjusted so far! Sunny all year long.....and when rain comes you enjoy it! Great Suggestion!!

hey thanks

I loved Ft Lauderdale when I was there boarding a cruise ship, we spent two nights there and it was nice, driving around it was really neat especially all the cuban restraunts. I have always loved Florida and there are other towns I am sure that will fit the bill, but I definitely think that it has a Morocco feel to it.