a never ending list of things that need accomplishing?

[DouglasSheridan 1]

so, just wondering, do all you guys feel like you are living happily ever after, or do you sometimes find yourself fighting, screaming at eachother and saying stupid hurtful things?

My husband and myself love eachother beyond any doubt, we would do anything for the other, yet there are days we get stressed over the most stupid things and totally escalate into a meaningless fight.

We shout out the most hurtful things we totally dont mean, just to win an argument, then find ourselves 'walking on eggshells' for days after!

We always end up reffering to the same things, and no matter how much we try explaining things to one another sometimes it doesnt get us nowhere.

I feel guilty having run out of money and having him work work work to pay our way. Then I mention stuff we need, for immigration or some stuff I would just like, and I dont mean right now, but he misunderstands and thinks I want everything right now.

I know I am an over achiever and want many things at once, without thinking twice about the cost or dedication..... whilst he sometimes sits back too much and thinks itll just happen.

I also have sometimes trouble to adjust to the factor of receiving less attention.

Now I am here my husband has taken on different projects, bought stocks and is busy learning French and German so he can talk his way through our next trip.

I am truly flattered that he is even attempting those things as I know many wouldnt, but sometimes that means he spends hours in front of the PC whilst all I want is him next to me, holding me cuddling me.

He then misunderstands and thinks that I am only bout the physical stuff, but I am not....sure I enjoy him holding me and making love to me, as this is for me the ultimate way to express my love....

I dunno....I guess I just needed to let out some stuff..... find out whether other ppl found it hard.... I mean he is 38 has never before been in a serious relationship like ours and is an only child whom was loved and spoiled extremely.... I was married once before, shortly, as my first husband passed away, I have a son, whom I had at 17 and come from a split up home with many complications, which resulted in me knowing what I want, when I want it and being headstrong about it..... I guess that is where we sometimes clash....

I dunno.... any advice out there, any similar situations.... and I keep hoping that marriage truly is a work in progress and eventually a couple does get more and more adjusted to one anothers needs, is that true?

Love

Sheridan

[Marilyn. 340]

marriage requires a bit of work sometimes....

hubby and I have our disagreements once in awhile but we always make sure and patch them up as quickly as possible.....

[Welshcookie 17]

Hello Sheridan....Firstly, nice to see you again!

I only can imagine how difficult it can be for the majority of ppl on this site.....you have all that waiting and separation with all the stresses of the visa process, months and months of anticipation and then BANG....real life together begins and the hard work really starts.

It is early, early days for your relationship and therefore it is still settling and adjusting. Our first year of living together was both extremely happy and stormy....at the lowest times I wasn't sure we were even doing the right thing by being together. It is all about 2 lives melting into one and figuring how you both fit into it.....but one day you will find it has taken it's shape...but not without alot of pulling, tugging and giving beforehand.

I think you said it all in your last sentence....and it does happen eventually.

[Ephesia 0]

Communicate.

Communicate.

Communicate.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

The lack of attention thing - yeah I can totally relate to that. When we're apart we HAVE to communicate beacuse we've nothing else so its pretty intense - but there's been times Ive stayed with my honey and he's busy doing 'stuff' and I feel a bit pouty. Then after I think about it I just wanna slap myself. I think about my day here - all the little bits of 'stuff' I do (chores and just the normal looking after kid stuff) and how much time it actually takes and he's no different - having kids and a job - its just that I'm THERE so I feel like all the 'stuff' gets in the way of 'us'.

And I resent it. Then I feel guilty for being such an attention ho lol. I bet you feel the same way.

The shouting and arguing - thats all just frustration - its not 'real' so much as its a verbal 'ARGH' directed at each other. You want everything to work perfectly right NOW. You feel as if it SHOULD do after all the planning and hopes.

Normal life kind of intrudes into the perfect mental picture you create and its a '#######' moment - for me it has been but I always TRY and stop and think about it - pushing all the hurt or whatever I'm feeling to one side if at all possible so I can examine why I feel that way and how I can minimise it.

My only solution so far is to have a quiet word with myself and find my own 'stuff' to do.

We're going to get a PC for me when I move so I can do the non-chores stuff I like to do when he's busy - like my graphics. If I'M occupied (my reasoning goes) then I'll be freting LESS.

Can't afford to get a PC? Then do something else like take up a class or do excercise - which btw is a great stress-buster. The thing you can't do is dwell on it.

You know how you were at home yourself when you had 'stuff' to do - probably focused and just getting on with stuff. Like he is now.

Doesn't mean you can't drag him away now n again - compromise is key - but him being busy doesn't actually mean he's giving you less attention - because you are THERE now - so you're that soothing presence in the background; and he doesn't have to worry about that part - the you not being there - any more.

Mine will doing his normal 12 hours a night shifts when I move over - but I am gonna try my hardest to make sure I have things to do during that time (if Im not asleep, lol) because more than anything else I want to remain the person I am now and keep my own interests and not go insane - lol.

I think you guys will be fine - you just need to find your levels - and make sure you're BOTH getting what you need attention-wise.

Damn I wrote an essay

Its really good to see you again Sheridan - many hugs

[DouglasSheridan 1]

" but him being busy doesn't actually mean he's giving you less attention - because you are THERE now - so you're that soothing presence in the background; and he doesn't have to worry about that part - the you not being there - any more."

These are actually his words, and I know I should be more understanding, and yes, like you said, I feel guilty bout being so demanding..... some days I totally accept what he means and says, other days Im just being selfish lill me wanting all the attention to myself.

Just like you as well, my guy is a nightshift worker. He totally loves the graveyard shift and I know he will never change that, nor do I want him too because I see how much he loves it!

Trouble with that is.... wanting to leave no one short of attention I am sorta cutting myself in half here, wishing I could pull a "multiplicity" stunt.... you know, have a few of me walking around.

See I sleep at night (or erm.... seen is 4.15 am I should maybe say "try to") so I can be awake to take my lill one to school, than after his night shift Doug comes home and I spend time with him, usually consisting of laying in bed doing crossword puzzles whilst he is online checking his stock in between speaking French/German sentences.

Then he eats and goes to bed at like 12-1ish in the afternoon. Since he likes to fall asleep with me there I lay in bed with him, resulting in me falling asleep until 3.30 when its time to pick up my son. I then spend like 2-3 hours with him, and run back downstairs to lay with Doug again, cos thats what he wants.

Bottomline, its hard finding a balance.

I want to spend time with him, sure.... I mean I was always sleeping with him daytime and awake nights when we were together during our visits, but that was without my son, now Jesse is here, its a different thing, more things to juggle.

I also want to be helpful by doing some tidying, etc which takes time too.....I mean boy, these days do I wish there was two of me around! And I think I'm not the only one wishing that....

Also, doing all that sleeping during the daytime results in sleepless nights and waking up cranky after 2-3 hours sleep, any suggestions for that....

I guess my mind is just on overdrive huh!

BTW thanks for the welcome back or so wishes.... always nice to be back!

Love

Sheridan

[Jaylen Brit 0]

I think my life is going to be very like yours! LOL

Only I will have 3 kids to deal with - hoo boy!

Yes your mind is in overdrive cos I think frankly you're expecting too much of yourself. You're trying to be all things to all people..and is there any time left over for YOU? And you're not being selfish unless wanting QUALITY time with Doug is selfish.

He needs to know that as well - but guys just don't THINK the same as women do. Spending ANY time with you, to him, I expect IS quality time.

Someone once told me 'Men do, women think' - I know its not as simplistic as that but it has truth in it nonetheless.

You need to set time aside for Sheridan firstly. Just some time where you can kick back - be it 10 mins or an hour and he has to help you do that. Maybe he can play a game with Jesse so you can have a bath - and just get back some energy. And DO something together - make a date - make an appointment with each other - whatever it takes - no PC, no TV (unless thats what you like) - just talking - and rule #1 no shouting or arguing and each person gets a turn of speaking WITHOUT interruption and without blame throwing. And don't forget - he didn't want a YES woman, he wanted YOU. You have your own opinions just like before you were married - just don't use the words as weapons - you guys KNOW each other - so you will know what will hurt - but just try NOT doing it.

If you're gonna argue (which you will, I know me and mine will, we're both stubborn as mules) then don't use 'You always..' or 'you make me...' use 'I feel' instead. I know it sounds really cliched but it really DOES make a difference.

'I feel like I don't get enough attention' sounds more honest and less accusatory than 'You never give me any attention any more'

Also men are practical - tell him HOW that can be accomplished not just that you wish it was different.

you BOTH have needs - its not selfish to want them to be met.

It won't kill him to take a half hour off his learning to spend with you and you're not asking him to stop entirely something he's enjoying doing - I'm sure a compromise on that would work better than you feeling like you're being torn in half.

(((HUGS)))

[daisy16 0]

Attention! That's one of my beefs lately. Now that I'm really busy I find I'm a bit resentful that my hubby doesn't spend our time together "with" me but on the laptop. He gets into reading things and doesn't hear anything, so there's no point in trying to talk to him. And then when I settle into something, he interrupts me with little comments every once in a while. I found in my first marriage my ex's fascination with the TV came between us; we lost our connection. It worries me that the computer will be a problem here.

As for the shouting, when you 2 are calm how about making a pact not to yell at each other? Work out how disagreements should be handled? The shouting etc can be so hurtful and things cannot be taken back once said.

It sounds like your hubby is getting you to cater to him the way his parents did/do. Having you lie down with him cause he likes it? Honey! I know you're happy to be here with him, but if you get into this habit of catering to him it will be hard to get out of it later. You're hurting yourself and this will be detrimental to your son.

I fit quite nicely into my husband's life except that being here makes his day-to-day life better. It can't be all us giving and giving. They have to give to. You are fitting into his life rather him making concessions for you.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, it's just how I see it.

[CarolineM 0]

Aww Sheridan. I'm glad youre back on the site but sad to see you're having problems...I agree with what everone has said...communication! Yes, Marriage is work!! I hope it all works out with you and Doug - hopefully it's just this "adjustment" period and then things will get better

{{{{hugs}}}}

[Mand 1]

It's good to see you back here I agree with Daisy's comments about you fitting into his life rather than him making some concessions for you to ease the transition period. I'd caution against that way of things as later on down the road, you may become resentful of it.

No-one of us know what goes on behind closed doors to be honest, so the best advice I can give is talk and listen

Hopefully, as Karo said, this is just an adjustment period for you both

[DouglasSheridan 1]

hi guys

first of all thanks for the advice and the welcome backs! Sure appreciated, and have to say, nice to be back. It's funny but sometimes, the person the closest to you can tell you something and you just cant see it, and it takes an outsiders point of view to make it clear to you.

We had a good chat today and I also made him read those posts, and it was the right move, it made us both realise that we are very much still in a transition phase and are still adjusting and easing into eachothers life.

We admitted not to having any serious problems, but some minor easing into worries, and that is mainly it, the countless hours fretting about whether we make eachother happy. Silly how arguements can grow from such good intentions huh!

I can see some of the point of views expressed in here, but one thing I did wanna make clear.... I am not catering to his liking.... I am trying to please him yes, to some extent, as I'm sure we all are, but so is he for me, and I guess me doing all the stuff like going to lay down with him is something I want to do, sometimes, and then other times I want time for myself. I believe he is starting to realise that... I believe it was an immediate need he had after finally being together for real, permanently.

I think very much Jaylen hit the nail on the head. It's worrying so much about others and trying to do to their liking that somewhere in between in these past two months I forgot bout me. I believe its high time I get that EAD for starters, cos in my opinion thats when our 'real' life will truly being, because then itll be merging all of our lives together,my husbands work, mine and our boy going to school.

Well, life is a balancing act huh!

In the meantime, the talk is out, as one common advice was communication, and that advice sure is good. Sometimes you have so much on your mind you try getting it out all at once and it ends up being spat out in a total different meaning and can escalate to the stupidest thing.... sure you have all experienced that.

Anyhow, before I write another essay I will leave it here...thanks again

Love

Sheridan x

Edited February 22, 2006 by DouglasSheridan

[Marilyn. 340]

glad to hear that you had a good talk..... being able to talk to each is a very important thing, it is not good to bottle things up inside

[Welshcookie 17]

Glad to hear that you both had a good pow wow....yep....it's important to keep those lines of communication open

[Jaylen Brit 0]

hi guys

first of all thanks for the advice and the welcome backs! Sure appreciated, and have to say, nice to be back. It's funny but sometimes, the person the closest to you can tell you something and you just cant see it, and it takes an outsiders point of view to make it clear to you.

We had a good chat today and I also made him read those posts, and it was the right move, it made us both realise that we are very much still in a transition phase and are still adjusting and easing into eachothers life.

We admitted not to having any serious problems, but some minor easing into worries, and that is mainly it, the countless hours fretting about whether we make eachother happy. Silly how arguements can grow from such good intentions huh!

I can see some of the point of views expressed in here, but one thing I did wanna make clear.... I am not catering to his liking.... I am trying to please him yes, to some extent, as I'm sure we all are, but so is he for me, and I guess me doing all the stuff like going to lay down with him is something I want to do, sometimes, and then other times I want time for myself. I believe he is starting to realise that... I believe it was an immediate need he had after finally being together for real, permanently.

I think very much Jaylen hit the nail on the head. It's worrying so much about others and trying to do to their liking that somewhere in between in these past two months I forgot bout me. I believe its high time I get that EAD for starters, cos in my opinion thats when our 'real' life will truly being, because then itll be merging all of our lives together,my husbands work, mine and our boy going to school.

Well, life is a balancing act huh!

In the meantime, the talk is out, as one common advice was communication, and that advice sure is good. Sometimes you have so much on your mind you try getting it out all at once and it ends up being spat out in a total different meaning and can escalate to the stupidest thing.... sure you have all experienced that.

Anyhow, before I write another essay I will leave it here...thanks again

Love

Sheridan x

I'm really pleased you guys are back on track

[britbird 4]

Wow, I thought it was just me that had these kind of issues!!!

I'd be sitting on the couch watching something or just hanging out and The Husband (who I shall now refer to as H) and he'd be on the computer figuring out his stocks or reading the newspaper etc etc and in my head I'm thinking 'well, he could come over here and hang out with me and use my laptop' and so I'd ask him to come over and he'd get increasingly annoyed.

In my head I'm thinking 'we don't have much time before he's deployed' and in his head he's thinking 'i want to sort out these stocks so we can buy a house and my sweetheart will have a nicer time and be looked after while I'm away...and I like reading the paper and having some 'alone' time when I get back from work.

He wouldn't say that though and would blow up everyonce in a while and accuse me of wanting attention all the time etc etc. We talked about it though and I figured out that he just didn't like being told to come and sit with me. So I don't do that any more, and he makes an effort to disconnect himself from the computer and things ar e much nicer.

We still have massive bust ups though, it's more often than not a case of misinterpretation of what the other person is saying or intending, but those sorts of things are part of living with someone. We are both very smart and directed and we know what we like and what we don't like so there are no doormats here (and I don't care what anyone says, if you are in a relationship in which you never ever have an argument, someone is getting trodden on) and that can be difficult to deal with at first and at times.

We make it a point to try never to go to bed on an argument. I've also found recently that a book called 'Getting to Yes' has been quite useful. I'm not a fan of self help books, but that one is pretty interesting and gives you some other ways of looking at things.

Frankly also you need to manage your sleep time a good deal better. Your husband gets his long period of sleep and so should you. Getting your 8 hours (or 10...I'm a 10 person really) will make all the difference in the world. Messing around with sleep patterns won't fail to make you miserable.