MENA Men Being "Men"

[FormerlyKnownAs 17]

I guess we can blame my happiness on my exes. They were all quite full of themselves with little time or thought left for someone else. Probably my fault for making bad choices. I did have a few guys who "courted" me who were more traditional, but I was not attracted to them in the least. So like I said, I know they exist, I just never dated any of them because we weren't compatible.

I also didn't intend to date a MENA man. I had no idea what they were like, but I never dated a "foreigner" of any description. My family and my social circle weren't very tolerant of cross-culture dating *at all*. My fiance started as an acquaintance whom I met in a very geeky way (I'm an engineer and somewhat of a technology nerd). We weren't on Facebook, we didn't see pictures of each other or have any idea whether the other was even "available", that never came up. We just talked a lot and he seemed like a cool guy. Over a year later, he agreed to kind of hang with me to translate and haggle at the market for me when I was shopping while on a much needed vacation (to Egypt, which my family thought was a horribly dangerous place for me to be taking off to). We met in person and there was just undeniable chemistry. It shocked us both, but as I said... It was pretty obvious that we were attracted to one another.

So I didn't really go looking outside of America for a man with traditional values, it just kind of happened that way...

[nurse1967 287]

I am like you. I just wasn't attracted to the men that seem to have the qualities that I was looking for. Maybe it was because most of them were significantly older than me and that's just not attractive to me. I wasn't looking for a "foreigner" either. It just happened. I don't regret it for a minute even though God knows it's not all been roses and chocolate for sure. I appreciate the morals that my husband holds dear (he is much more religious than I am) and at the same time he doesn't ever judge me for the choices I make or for the fact that I am more secular than him.

I guess we can blame my happiness on my exes. They were all quite full of themselves with little time or thought left for someone else. Probably my fault for making bad choices. I did have a few guys who "courted" me who were more traditional, but I was not attracted to them in the least. So like I said, I know they exist, I just never dated any of them because we weren't compatible.

I also didn't intend to date a MENA man. I had no idea what they were like, but I never dated a "foreigner" of any description. My family and my social circle weren't very tolerant of cross-culture dating *at all*. My fiance started as an acquaintance whom I met in a very geeky way (I'm an engineer and somewhat of a technology nerd). We weren't on Facebook, we didn't see pictures of each other or have any idea whether the other was even "available", that never came up. We just talked a lot and he seemed like a cool guy. Over a year later, he agreed to kind of hang with me to translate and haggle at the market for me when I was shopping while on a much needed vacation (to Egypt, which my family thought was a horribly dangerous place for me to be taking off to). We met in person and there was just undeniable chemistry. It shocked us both, but as I said... It was pretty obvious that we were attracted to one another.

So I didn't really go looking outside of America for a man with traditional values, it just kind of happened that way...

[FormerlyKnownAs 17]

Same here, Betsy, and I've wondered if that could be an issue in the future. I have been warned that MENA men who come to America often become even more conservative, especially about religion. He is very good about things right now, though. We actually share the same beliefs, but he practices his religion while I just hold my beliefs in my heart at this point. You sound like this hasn't been an issue for you two at all at this point, however, so that makes me feel better.

He does always say that regardless of religion, I am one of the best people he's ever met as far as morals and values go. So maybe he really believes that and coming to this country won't change how he feels. I did mention that engineering thing, right? Makes me a natural cynic. Nobody here will ever be able to accuse me of having wool over my eyes, that's for sure.

Edited March 2, 2011 by LongRoadHome

[Jenn! 918]

As to my man being all man... YES YES YES HE IS... AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! There is no questioning our roles in our marriage we both know our roles. I LOVE IT!!! I can't say it enough I LOVE IT!!! I llove my husband and he is the perfect reflection to my perception and I am for him the same!!! WOOHOOO GOTTA LOVE IT!!! I do the cooking and household work and he is all business man and a shining star in his career, I support him and he supports me. Yes he is very jealous over me and I LOVE THAT!!! He comforts and cares for me like no one ever has, and I do the same for him. When he gets home he finds a beautiful wife smelling good and smiling and greeting him showing him how much he is loved and appreciated. Ohhh I know there will be negative comments to what I said, and there is so much more I could go on about forever, but you know what ITS MY LIFE and I finally have what I dreamed of all my life... A REAL MAN!!! Sure not everyone wants what I do, and that's ok by me... the most important thing is... I AM HAPPY AND MY LOVE IS HAPPY!!!!

Since I don't want to disappoint on the negative comments front, I have to say that I don't understand what makes your man any more of a "real man" by the attributes that you've stated. I also think that whatever roles work for you guys, then great, I just object to the implication that anyone who strays from these roles is any less of a man or a woman. This is the same problem I have with similar statements made by American men in other forums regarding the "real women" in other countries. But then again, what do I know, I just burned my bra because it was irritating my armpit hair.

[sussemadel 16]

For us American women who were single and independant for so long before being married to a MENA man, it can be VERY difficult to get used to a man wanting to know where you are every minute of the day, why you're not answering your cellphone when they call, why dinner isn't on the table when they get home every night etc etc. Just understand..while you might feel all cozy and protected while on vacation with your man in their country, those attributes you found so cute overseas will become quite annoying once they're on American soil.

[Lisamarie 79]

I get what you're saying. I've already told mine that if we are both working full-time that things won't be just like they are at home for him now, where his mother and sister are both home all day to cook and make sure the meals are prepared on time. Things will be much different here. He knows to expect that. And although I work for a PR company but I work from home, my job is really stressful and has a lot of pressure, and there are time where I have to work in the evenings when we're on a time crunch and he knows to expect that also.

For us American women who were single and independant for so long before being married to a MENA man, it can be VERY difficult to get used to a man wanting to know where you are every minute of the day, why you're not answering your cellphone when they call, why dinner isn't on the table when they get home every night etc etc. Just understand..while you might feel all cozy and protected while on vacation with your man in their country, those attributes you found so cute overseas will become quite annoying once they're on American soil.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Because I've decided every thread is better with cats, AbuS is getting this for his birthday this year:

That's my definition of a "man" - a person with XY chromosomes who isn't afraid to get all squishy and sentimental over a fur baby. And who doesn't mind signing these checks:

So yup, AbuS is a "man."

We don't fit into any kind of gender roles. From the beginning, we agreed he wasn't getting an Egyptian wife, and I wasn't getting an American husband. Instead, we're something else entirely.

[msheesha 548]

Since I don't want to disappoint on the negative comments front, I have to say that I don't understand what makes your man any more of a "real man" by the attributes that you've stated. I also think that whatever roles work for you guys, then great, I just object to the implication that anyone who strays from these roles is any less of a man or a woman. This is the same problem I have with similar statements made by American men in other forums regarding the "real women" in other countries. But then again, what do I know, I just burned my bra because it was irritating my armpit hair.

Good job on not disappointing!

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

We definitly dont fit gender roles here.

Im the breadwinner.

He cant hang a picture frame for the life of him let alone fix something. (altho he tries SO hard so i give him credit)

He changes poopy diapers, knows how to make bottles, will buy me feminine products from the store, cooks just as well as I do, washes dishes, scrubs toilets.

He isnt romantic at all but always remembers holidays and birthdays

He was even a stay at home dad for a while!

I wouldnt change any part of him. It works for us and i guess im grateful he isnt "manly" lol

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

Since I don't want to disappoint on the negative comments front, I have to say that I don't understand what makes your man any more of a "real man" by the attributes that you've stated. I also think that whatever roles work for you guys, then great, I just object to the implication that anyone who strays from these roles is any less of a man or a woman. This is the same problem I have with similar statements made by American men in other forums regarding the "real women" in other countries. But then again, what do I know, I just burned my bra because it was irritating my armpit hair.

Jenn,

LOL so nice to see you not letting the negative comments front go unattended! Ever hear the comment " to each, their own" ? My husband is a real man according to my own thoughts and beliefs system, for everyone it is different. Also as I stated I could go on forever stating many reasons as to why I feel Ahmed is a real man in my eyes, but for consideration to others I wasn't long winded. LOL One thing I will not do is get into a defensive mode trying to defend my beliefs. I would never say anyone that isnt living according to the roles Ahmed and I believe in isnt a real man or woman, I just simply believe FOR ME AND MY HUSBAND the roles we have in OUR marriage is what is REAL to US. As beauty is in the eye of the beholder so is each relationship to those that are in that relationship. I truly believe we are all beautiful because of our own individualness (if thats a word LOL) so the same can be said for each individual marriage. Really all I wanted to do was share a little about myself and my husband and how we have found not the perfect person, but the perfect person and marriage and roles and values for US. Good looking out Jenn on the negative comments front, always nice to see both sides to the coin! Have a nice day!!!

[msheesha 548]

A little! LOL Sheesh.....I'm happy, I'm just starting out.......let me live in my moment. You were at this stage once too. At some point I'll be at your stage in the relationship and I'm hoping to still be as enthusiastic as I am now. But either way, this is now and that's in the future;)

Have at it with your moment!

Don't know why expressing my perspective interfers with you having your moment at all.

On the flip side, I've not called anyone names like "catty" while they're living in their moments. Just provided my perspective. Your perspective doesn't diminish mine; nor should mine diminish yours. And, I won't call you any names in the process.

(PS - my screen name means "cat" in Darija - as well as I could spell it at the time - and I'm guessing Squeaky has been waiting for just the right moment to make that joke! )

[sussemadel 16]

You found a real treasure Ummsqueakster...alot of Arabs find animals in the home repulsive. I've been trying to bring a little mini mini doxie into the home but no go..

LisaMarie..it's good you're preparing him ahead of time. I can say I didn't prepare mine so much beforehand because he is Syrian Christian and I mistakenly thought his beliefs about independance for women were more along the lines of how American men think. I found it's more a cultural issue and not religious.

[msheesha 548]

We definitly dont fit gender roles here.

Im the breadwinner.

He cant hang a picture frame for the life of him let alone fix something. (altho he tries SO hard so i give him credit)

He changes poopy diapers, knows how to make bottles, will buy me feminine products from the store, cooks just as well as I do, washes dishes, scrubs toilets.

He isnt romantic at all but always remembers holidays and birthdays

He was even a stay at home dad for a while!

I wouldnt change any part of him. It works for us and i guess im grateful he isnt "manly" lol

I didn't realize you just had a baby 3 weeks ago until this post. Congratulations. She's a beauty!

[Lisamarie 79]

I wasn't the one that called you catty....I just agreed. And, I was joking around when I agreed

I was wondering what your name meant, I figured it was a combination of names or something.

A little! LOL Sheesh.....I'm happy, I'm just starting out.......let me live in my moment. You were at this stage once too. At some point I'll be at your stage in the relationship and I'm hoping to still be as enthusiastic as I am now. But either way, this is now and that's in the future;)

Have at it with your moment!

Don't know why expressing my perspective interfers with you having your moment at all.

On the flip side, I've not called anyone names like "catty" while they're living in their moments. Just provided my perspective. Your perspective doesn't diminish mine; nor should mine diminish yours. And, I won't call you any names in the process.

(PS - my screen name means "cat" in Darija - as well as I could spell it at the time - and I'm guessing Squeaky has been waiting for just the right moment to make that joke! )

Edited March 2, 2011 by Lisamarie

[msheesha 548]

That was my best attempt at transliteration of the word.

It was one of the first 3 syllable Darija words I learned, and I liked it.