The ones left behind

[BlueBonnet 84]

Hi.

I know of no support site for immigrating, and Im going to rant here. 4 years ago I met a man online in a game. 3 years ago we became a couple, committed. After 6 months of being exclusive, but a year and a half of knowing him, we met. Hes been here to Canada to visit, Ive been to the USA to visit. We decided that it was hurting to much to keep saying goodbye and decided to look into immigration. Weve done it all, and been approved. Ive tried to sell my house, and now have to get a tenant. Ive just put in my 2 weeks notice at work after 15+ years there. Im leaving my family, my home, my job. Im ok with this. Ive been preparing for awhile, both finacialy and emotionaly. I told my mom last week and she is devestated that Im leaving. My father responded " I cant believe your leaving everything for a piece of #### in Texas " ... wow.

Part of me feels like, this is my life, to do with as I please, but Im being treated like a child who has offended and devestated her parents. My mother even called me Friday night and cried on the phone for almost an hour. Its like its the end of the world, whereas I feel its a new beginning. I know what Im doing, Im ok with it. I think hes worth it. Weve been committed and faithful, been strong for each other. I am in love with him, yet the people I call family are being so negative, and as of today arnt talking to me at all.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has had to go through this, the speeches about, "Cant you find a man here?" Or were your family and friends very supportive ?

The thing is, that my family and friends have always been supportive of the relationship, but now that its time to move, theyve done a 360

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, for reading, and hopefully responding.

[Afrikan Queen 11]

Aawww....their just going through the emotions. You're making big changes in your life now. They know this day would be coming. My fiance's parents are sad because they think they'll never see their son again but I assured him we will. They probably feel that they are losing you, just assured them that their not. Seems like you have a good family. I wish you the best.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

tell them you're taking a long road trip, not a guilt trip.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Sounds like you making the right decision to strike out on your own, and cut the ties that bind. They will get over it, and if not, well, you won't be around to notice.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

This is pretty par for the course unfortunately for many immigrants.

My mother was pretty bad with the guilt. She never told me that Tony wasn't worth it or anything but would get upset about why he couldn't come to Australia instead and basically just lots of that kind of guilt. Any time something bad happens at home in Aus (arguments or what not) I'll get a "I wish you were here not there" phone call. With the in-law family drama I've copped a bit of that too, which is why now I don't tell them any time something upset me here... which I think is pretty bad.. I should still feel free to talk to them but that's the price I pay I suppose.

The difference is my family is still talking to me. It's apparent by not talking to you they're trying to make you choose and they still expect to be the "bosses" of your life. That's when I would say "I am choosing to MOVE, not to leave you or abandon you or upset you. I can't stay at home forever, I can't stay nearby forever. You're asking me to put my life on hold for you. You're asking me to make my life choices with YOUR happiness in mind and not my own." and hopefully the come around.

I've noticed (as I'm sure many others have) that unless you're a fellow immigrant you just don't understand what we went through or go through every day. It's a big move and its a bit leap of faith and sometimes you miss home, but I honestly don't feel I can ever tell my family back home that I miss home or I get guilted. I can tell Tony but then I feel guilt (but he doesn't make me feel it, I just do) because he just wants me to be happy. The thing is, it might not work out... just like ANY relationship might have trouble and you don't need your family pulling the "see I told you you shouldn't have left" routine. The immigration side is just a manner to be with your loved one, they need to think about it like any other relationship. You're taking a leap and if it doesn't work out they SHOULDN'T feel it's okay to rub that in your face.

Make your choice (which you have) and tell them they're being ridiculous by getting their panties in a knot over a move. You're not NEVER coming back. You're just not available to "pop by" whenever. Tell them planes exist, or boats, or trains or cars.. they can visit you, you can visit them.

[nane1104 146]

I am going through this drama for the second time now, so I can relate. The first time when we got married and I moved from Germany to the US and now, after being stationed in Germany and living closer to my family for three years, we will have to go back to the US again this summer and my mom is already starting the guilt trip thing.

She of course "supports" me, but in little hidden remarks, she is running a huge guilt trip on me. I have gone from being sad to feelingguilty to feeling really upset and angry towards her, to the point where I start feeling resentment.

My parents are in their early 60's and totally capable of traveling through Europe, but for some reason they refuse to fly to the US. Seeing their stubbornness, I can relieve myself of the guilt of leaving them behind. I mean, I know they are getting older, they will need help somewhere down the road- but I know they can't seriously expect me to put my whole life on hold just to be there for them.

I don't know what your parents reasons are for not supporting you- try to let it go. This is your life, your decision. They can either support you and you leave on good terms or they don't and THEY will be the ones, feeling bad about it once you are gone.

I actually told my mom flat out that I don't wanna hear her cry on the phone or anything like that. I told her it's ok to be sad that I will leave once again, this time with a husband, a child and another one on the way, but I don't want to listen to her complaining and making me feel bad about how I live my life.

Of course I know it's natural to feel sad about having a child going away but I think it is very selfish to make you feel bad or to even try to talk bad about your soon to be husband. They need to realize that this will not do anything but drive you further away from them, not only in miles but emotionally as well.

Don't feel guilty, you are following your heart and you don't just jump right into it either to where I could see a concern from your parents.

I hope, you can get your parents to understand and support you because I know how it is to leave on somewhat bad terms....

All the best wishes!!

[ONA 133]

At first my parents were strongly against me dating an American, because they didn't want me to leave Russia. Now, after my fiance has been here several times, things changed. Well, they still are not happy about the fact that i will be living so far away, but they keep saying "we're happy as long as you're happy".

It might be easier for me, cause my dad moved for my mom from Ukraine (not that far, but still). Anyway, I plan to visit them, hopefully at least once a year, i hope they will visit us too.

My grandparents are still against the whole idea of me moving to the States, but I guess the Cold War has something to do with it

I can't think of any advice here... I also think that your parents sound a little selfish. After all, you're not moving that far, you'll be able to visit them. I hope everything works out good for you.

Edited March 1, 2011 by ONA

[luckytxn 2,264]

The care packages we send back makes the lose more bearable. I always send a bottle of perfume in that care package to my mother-in-law.

[EvilEmmy 1]

Hi BlueBonnet, I'm not quite in your shoes as of yet. But I sort of do understand My fiance is in the states with me in the UK, I have sort of come across smaller but similar issues..

My mom loves me dearly but is always commenting you should find someone here, look how unhappy it making you not being able to be with him. No what irks me is she in a way went through a similar situation with an ex funding his business and what not. What hurts is when you try live your life because they always say we want you to live your life, yet when you try they moan or disagree with choices.

Yes my mom supports me she understands a small part of what I am going through not seeing my fiance everyday and I know she hopes that by some lucky fluke someone will catch my eye here which has never happened. I find the whole but you support him when your there you paid for food argument draining. You've spent alot of money on visiting him. I have to constantly bite my tongue we get on great and I love her dearly but it hurts when she says stuff like that because it's no different to what she did for an ex and now her boyfriend supports her he chips in with food helps towards our rent. Yet for me this is wrong.

I was raised to help and support my family and I see my fiance as my family now too. I don't send him money but I help with stuff when I am with him because it's what couples do. I will admit My mum is convinced he wont come over here *because she will see right through him* they had words 2 years ago over me wanting to see him after repeated date changes for a trip that never happened. She does not understand why he isn't able to visit me in the UK like he had planned to before. He has a son which lives with him again with adhd in special school thus means if he was to visit he'd have to inform the school of a different pick up point. Have his parents look after his son and lastly his son has a very specific routine which has taken over a year to implement, I can see why he does not wish to disturb this. I have given up trying to explain I always get quit making excuses for him, Yes I can see her point it's ment to be a two way thing but I understand his needs and his reasons.

Yes it hurts but she will listen if I'm sad or upset over the distance thing but I think she hopes I won't leave home my brothers both live with their girlfriends and me being the eldest is still living at home at the grand old age of 27. His family are exceptionally happy over the relationship if anything it almost shocked him, in the past my SO parents have hated his exes and expecially his ex wife and they did butt heads over it. I hope they continue to feel this way as his family are just as important as mine and his 2 children because I want them to be secure and happy. I love my guy and accept everything that comes with him.

I know for sure when the day comes and I hopefully move to be with him that my family will support me, I know if I ever had troubles or needed to come home my mum would pull through and help me or come to me. Yes there may be sad emotions they are loosing (not completely) their daughter every parent goes through sadness in a way it is a loss and they will for a small period of time grieve. But I'm sure they will eventually learn to be happy for you. It may be they were almost in denial that it would eventually happen thus causing the negative reaction now that it's happened give them time to work through their thought's they are more fortunate than most that your only a border away yes it may seem a huge distance but it's connected there isnt a huge ocean to cross.

Try not to feel guilt either I hate to say it I swear it's an inbuilt parent thing to make you feel guilty no matter if your happy or not and as humans we will always question whether we approached things the right way. Your parent's had time to prepare themselves I think from the sounds of it several years but it is still a shock when it does happen. It's part of the reason I travelled to see my fiance, I want in a way for my mum to get used to me not always being here 24/7 rather than accepting that I will always be a homegirl..

Good luck though I hope the family relations pick up for you and many hugss too

Let us know how you get on I noticed this was posted 9 days ago

[BlueBonnet 84]

Thank you for sharing your stories.

Last Wednesday things settled down, and my parents starting talking to me again. As of today, its back to normal actualy which is nice.

But this morning, my mother and I kinda had a heart to heart. She said that she has told everyone to leave me in peace to make my decisions, and that if I come back, if it doesnt work out with my fiance and I, and I come back that the transission will be just as smooth with no " I told you so. "

I think at this point, realisticaly, they are in denial. My mother pointed out that I am very stubborn, and once my mind is made up, thats that. But I think that they think Ill be coming back, and so they are more secure in the way they are handling it.

The hardest thing is that they dont know him. They dont know how happy he makes me, they dont know us as a couple and I think this is where they faulter. I know him, I know that I want to be with him, I know how I feel when Im with him. I dont intend on coming back. But if that thought brings them peace with my decision, I leave it be.

My fiance has said that he hopes one day my mother will like to visit. He actualy thinks the world of her just from the things that I have told him about her.

Im sure, they will have some rough days ahead, just like I will when I get to Texas. I think its only natural.

We have booked his tickets to come get me on the 23, and I will start my lifes journey with him. And I am excited, and scared, and happy, and sad. But hes worth everything to me.