A Bit Worried, Should I Be? What Would You Do...?

[EAbbas 213]

OP -

is your wife muslim? Are you? If she is and you are not, your marriage may be not recognized by her parents as a valid marriage (depending on how old school they are). Then it would make sense that she is hiding you from them.

That could be.....I am muslim and so is my husband but here is the red flag for me...she doesnt want you to talk with her parents let alone visit with her ....she keeps your numbers in a girls name???? :S and she gets angry for asking where she has been or who she is with??

My husband doesnt deny me anything but the respect is there to tell him everything...even if I go to the store i let him know i'm going and if I go without telling him and he asks ...i answer...it shouldnt be a big deal.

From a woman's perspective...she is hiding something from you ....i'm not sure if its truly her parents or if it is someone else...but you need to figure this out before too much water goes under the bridge...

im truly sorry this is happening to you...unfortunately these things do happen but just keep your chin up and know that a loving respectful relationship doesnt look like this....

[rika60607 215]

I am only saying, that all this secrecy and drama may be due to her inability to tell her parents about her marriage... they may dispense some serious punishment on her and she probably would feel pretty bad already, for having to lie to them and for living "in sin". Further, she may be unable to discuss the subject with OP, if she feels that he would never convert to islam, as this would remove the last hope of her ever remaining a part of her family AND having the OP in her life.

But all this would only apply if she was raised muslim and the OP is not muslim.

That could be.....I am muslim and so is my husband but here is the red flag for me...she doesnt want you to talk with her parents let alone visit with her ....she keeps your numbers in a girls name???? :S and she gets angry for asking where she has been or who she is with??

My husband doesnt deny me anything but the respect is there to tell him everything...even if I go to the store i let him know i'm going and if I go without telling him and he asks ...i answer...it shouldnt be a big deal.

From a woman's perspective...she is hiding something from you ....i'm not sure if its truly her parents or if it is someone else...but you need to figure this out before too much water goes under the bridge...

im truly sorry this is happening to you...unfortunately these things do happen but just keep your chin up and know that a loving respectful relationship doesnt look like this....

[sera77 35]

She's hiding someone from you.

She's hiding you from someone.

These are your two possible situations.

I would say go ahead with a nannycam or key logger... You two are past the point of getting the answers from her verbally and willingly-you've tried for years and she's not budging.

You can nannycam and find an innocent answer and confess your going behind her back and you two can go on with your lives.

You can nannycam and find a deceitful behaviour/secret and get on with your life.

These are your possible results.

Or you can sit back and accept the situation as it is, always waiting for the worst possible outcome since you don't have the information to know what you are dealing with.

It's an awful situation to be living and I wish you the best of all possible outcomes,

Sera

[M&Dj 3]

I lived in Kosovo for a few years and also have had friends from Albania in the US so I have some insight on the culture although it is very minimal.

I know that a few people I have met have had arranged marriages. They came to the US as refugees and they would go back years later to marry their "significant other"!

I have never heard of the requirement that you are to have things together in order for your marriage to be OK. There is defenitly some kind of requirement of who you marry but not necessarily what they have.

If it truly is everything she is saying then she would be more open with you and you would be on the same side because sooner or later you would meet them although that is not likely to happen. She would tell you exectly what the reason is ask you not to talk when she is on the phone or skype with them but it is almost obvious she is hiding something from you.

I am all for individual privacy in a marriage but if my fiance/husband would look through my phone it would not be cause for panick or an argument as I would have nothing to hide....

Good Luck.....

[jaymzda1 2]

hello, it seems that you are asking for an answer or advice from us, when this is something that is very very personal between you and your wife...to be honest, I think that she is immature and you are allowing her to get away with it. Granted, she has her beliefs, but, what about yours? what do you believe? dont you think that you deserve an answer? if you allow this to continue, then you are also guilty of her secret "parents"? you need to re-evaluate your own life, why you got married in the first place. how will this affect your future together... as it has obviously started to cast doubts between you...does she not know how this is affecting you or is she doing this on purpose? the list of questions can go on and on, why? because you dont know, you need an answer.....unfortunately, the only person that can answer them is living with you.

james

[Alex~Alan 8]

I feel for you. One of the the things I looked for at the onset of this relationship was any inkling that something was just not right. Now, I may have been too cynical, but, for me, this was a really big step and I wanted to be sure I was not being used. How painful. What I am trying to say is to trust your instincts. You know your wife better than any of us do, and if her behavior seems off, then it probably is...especially if your Albanian friends don't understand her behavior. I know red flags would wave for me if doors were locked; I had not been invited back to her home with her; cautious cell phone behavior existed; and so much time was spent away from me; and gossip was overheard about flirting and discussion of our personal life together. This all would be suspicious behavior if we were speaking of another American, but is even more of a concern that she is not. May you come to the answers you need. Best of luck.

[msd 3]

Dude, you said yourself that you need to hear it so I'm gonna go ahead and agree with most people here. Ther is definitely something wrong. Like big time.

If you are afraid to talk to her directly you could try to get her to go to marriage counselling with you. This might uncover something.

I'm from Europe myself and sometimes I like to be alone when I skype with my parents (I'm also super close to my family) but they know him, have met him, visited us etc...

Please do something before she ruins your life. If not by fraud then by controlling your relationship like this; which is unacceptable.

Her being defensive about all the things that sound suspicious is a major red flag to me. I get defensive when I know I've done something wrong. It's a very typical reaction.

Good luck!

Edited February 28, 2011 by msd

[Peter&Jaime 1]

Sounds alot like she is cheating and if I was in your shoes I would suspect that and would be checking her phone. She is not being honoest with you. Explain to her how you feel and what you think and if she does not admit to the truth or gives an explanation that makes sense then you should seriously consider if you want to stay with her. It's very strange that you have been together for so long and have never met her family. Let alone that she locks the door... The fact that she will not allow you to accompany her back home is a huge red flag. From your use of quotes around "parents" I think that you feel in your heart she isn't being true.

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

OP-

Hey there guy.. I am sorry to read what you are going through. I went through something similar in the past and reacted in much the same way you did.

You are affraid if you confront her that you will push her away forever and you are also afraid of what you are going to find. From what you have written it seems you already know whatever is happening it is not good and that she is not being honest.

I think if you look at the situation you realize a couple of things: 1) The situation can't continue as it is as you are not happy and 2) She is eventually going to leave. Knowing this you need to confront her.

You have a right to know what is going on... and to not take no for an answer (ie: an ultimatum is waranteed in this case - come clean *totally* or be gone).

The best scenerio (at least to how you feel today but probably not in your long term interest) is that you might force her to make a decision and stop the behavior... Though more likely she will blow up and return with another ulimatum as she has been doing all along ("mind my privacy or else!"). Call her on hers, do not back down, stick to your ultimatum so she knows you are serious.... and be prepared for the likely bad outcome. When she realizes she can't manipulate you any further it will probably get ugly for a while as she searches for a way out of the corner.

Good luck to you.

Edited February 28, 2011 by OnMyWayID

[Bang2xg 0]

Hey everybody, thanks for all the support and replies, havent had a chance to read anything at all yet so please bear with me while I find some time during lunch to catch up. Really interested in reading what you all have to say. Any questions and comments are welcome.

Thanks for all the support.

Jose

[AandBvan 0]

OP - Albanian's are still in the custom of arranged marriages.

Its possible that her parents have arranged a marriage for her and shes avoiding it, but also lying to her parents by saying shes studying in the states. or maybe a bit worse and she had already gone through the arranged marriage and shes avoiding him, and hasn't told you to try to 'protect' your feelings...

this is going to be one of those things you're just going to have to take her for a long walk one night when you can stay up all night and just sit down and tell her how much you care for her, and that if there is some problem you want to help her, tell her that whats going on now is taring your relationship apart, and it needs to change, but you're willing to work through any of it, even if its something big.

maybe in her head shes got something like this;

1) I'm suppose to be married back home because my parents are forcing me too.

2) i went away to the states to avoid it, met someone i loved and married

3) can't tell my parents because of the arranged marriage

4) can't tell my husband because if i return home i have to marry someone else.

5) i'm stuck and stressed and have to hide from everyone.

or maybe your suspicions are right and shes not faithful... but... try to find out.

Edited February 28, 2011 by AandBvan

[Amy&Sonny 0]

Dear Bang2XG,

Usually I am a silent reader, but I feel compelled to answer your question...My finace is Albanian and I can confidently say that her actions are probably deeply rooted in the culture. To most Albanians (and I try hard not to make a sweeping generalization), family, and especially family honor, come before all. My fiance has told me on numerous occasions of culture discussion that for some families, marrying a foreigner is unacceptable. In fact, he calls his family "liberal" for accepting me. Some members of his family still don't accept me-- I just take it in stride. I imagine it is very hard for her to try to reconcile her love for you and her love for her family. Albanians go to great lengths not to hurt their families. It is a quality to be admired in most cases... As far as a solution, I can't help you there since you say you have tried to talk to her about it... Perhaps try to open up a discussion about Albanian traditions and culture concerning family.

I hope that helps you in some way.

-PW

I also want to note that arranged marriages are almost non existent in Albania anymore.....unless she is from a very, very rural village...

Edited February 28, 2011 by beingpatient

[Bang2xg 0]

Hello,

It has come to my attention 10 minutes ago that my dear wife has been following our little exchanges as she knows the password to my email and has successfully guessed the same password to my visajourney account. I recieved a series of text messages while at work that brightened my day a bit more.

Anyway, I would like to continue our exchanges however and invite you all to email me at this very old email address "thehappyjuicex@gmail.com". I will be sure to change my passwords this time so we can continue our discussion in private. Feel free to ask any questions of me and I do want to hear more from all you. I'd especially like to hear more from you "beingpatient" unless you are really my wife in disguise, haha!

Take care all!

[Bang2xg 0]

oops, nevermind, just realized another work around, Changed all my passwords remotely so she wont have access for the time being until I change them back...Now to reply to all the posts from last night into today...

[candyace 0]

Sounds to me like she's cheating on you. I'd set up a video recorder in the computer room or something to see what's going on when she's talking to her 'parents'. She is definately not behaving normally.