A Bit Worried, Should I Be? What Would You Do...?

[Meg and Nigel 21]

You are answering your own questions. You don't trust her. She has no respect for you. You are not in a partnership. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It breaks my heart, but there is no reasonable explanation any of us can provide for you. You don't trust yourself right now, but you do know. I am so very sorry.

I have a lot more to say, but to spare your feelings, I'm holding my tongue.

[steminem 0]

Not sure what the best course of action is here...but I'd say the do nothing approach is not an option...reason I asked which country she was from is because some countries have more green card hawks than others....

[Wandis 32]

I can just say wow, I do not see there ever being a good enough reason for a husband not to meet his in laws. Her behavior is extremely weird. This may sound childish but since you never can start a conversation regarding these subjects without her getting defensive and angry I suggest you just tell her either she tells you what is going on or you would have to put an end to your marriage. Because to me. Your situation is not a marriage.

Good luck to you!

It seems like you would actually need to "threat" her with divorce

[Shenzhen 34]

So hello again to all my fellow VJers! Hope you've all had wonderful and stress free journeys on your way to being together and I wish you all many more years of happiness to come! Some of you have not had the best of luck in your journey's and I express my condolences to those of you who invested time and emotion only to have been let down.

I come to you today as I too am wrestling with my particular situation, both happy and somewhat worried. I met my wife some years ago in Europe. We fell in love, started dating and spent about 2 years together there before moving back to the states in 2008. Once here we started the perilous visa journey, weighing our options on a very important decision to stay together or not. We chose to fight through and be together so we were married in 2009. When we married she was on student status just finishing her masters and I had started a new job and we were both happy and looking forward to life together. Now about 2 years later, we seem to be ok and have usual problems as most couples do of course but that doesnt bother me. What does bother me are two very particular patterns of behavior she's always exhibited throughout the relationship that persist 4 years later.

And they are:

First, when I met her it was obvious to me that she was very close with her parents. That was made clear to me every time she would come to my place of residence to use the internet and call her family via Skype, etc because she couldn't do so at her place. No problems, I had just met her it was all new to me. We lived in a big city in Europe and I respected that she took time to speak to her parents because I didn't do the same with mine and it made me feel a bit ashamed for not putting in the same effort she did.

For those of you questioning, yes we are both somewhat young. I am 28 and she is 23, so parents are almost a daily or weekly occurrence in our lives because of our respective cultures. Now what is really bothersome to me is that my wife has spoken to, video chatted or texted at least one of her "parents" since the day we met. I still have no idea who they are, what they look like or what they do. And yes we've tried to talk about it and I've asked her many times to allow me to say hello one time and wave through the camera but we get into arguments and I tend to avoid that at all costs because thats just not the person I am. We did live with my parents for a short time when we first arrived in 2008 until she got into school and I got a job and we got a place to stay. She is familiar with everybody in family, my firends etc. Yes they do not always get along but I find that that is just life and these things happen.

She has also been on two trips to see her "parents" back home since recieving the 2 year green card and I was not invited even though I inquired both times about maybe accompanying her for a day or two and leave her to her business with them. Secondly and perhaps a bit more odd is that fact that just about everytime she speaks to her "parents" when she is here on the phone or skype etc, she locks the door to the bedroom. I cant get in or out to see what is going on but it does bother me a lot and I've been having serious doubts and concerns about whether or not she is just biding her time untill the CR status is up. Now many times while she's been on the phone with "them" it seems like they are having family arguments. I dont speak her language fully yet but I do know how to distinguish between happy tones, sad tones and agnry tones. More recently after she returned from a trip to see her "parents" this past Christmas I found my contact information in her phone saved under a girl's name. I questioned her about it over dinner one night and she became furious and went on about I had no right to look in her phone and she doesnt know how it happened and that the phone did it by itself.

Now I can understand that she is mad that I did look through her phone and I regret it and have apologized many times. I can also understand that she might not know how it happened. Maybe her little brother did in go into her phone which she guards like a hawk and also has a screen lock pattern and she let him play with it and he might've changed only my name in the phone as joke to her. Maybe I'm crazy as she has been telling me this month as she's facing all these questions. BUT what I absolutely can not understand is that she would have me believe the phone changed the contact name by itself. I work in IT and deal with one or two smartphones everyday, I have never ever seen a contact name or phone number change unexpectedly to another ever. Very simply, I'm a bit angry, confused and worried....

What would you do?

Something is definetly off, she's not acting right. I was the last to see getting used by my ex-wife and 2 Filipina's. I figured it out by I was way too late.

Seems like the same thing going on here. Too many excuses. How is the your intimate life? If that's not going good then I would say she has other plans?

[Bang2xg 0]

Meg and Nigel:

Dont hold back now, lol, tell me. I need to know exactly what you would do and what you're thinking... the more I hear the better prepared I'll be for what she decides to use against me...

Steinem:

Okay, thanks. but Albania on that list? Not that I want to single out Albania because I know some very respectable Albos, maybe just not my better half...

Wandis:

I feel even if I do tell her to give me answers to what I want or else she'll have to go that it'll end up in one big stale mate with neither of us admiting anything as has been the case lately...

Shenzen:

Intimate life has been okay from what I can tell up to about a month or two ago, we both seemed pleased and we do talk sometimes about it and I ask her if shes okay and she tell me yeah, just recently has been an issue for us because of all the stress and I really feel like she's just not into anymore like she used to be, but the she tells me the same thing and we sort of just deadlock until it comes up again...

Meg and Nigel, I want to hear more from you please....

Thank you all for the input so far.... helps a lot when trying to make sense of it

[Wandis 32]

I seems like your situation has come to a dead end and if you wont get any information out of her what else is there except from divorce?

[Sergi9 110]

I agree

Well IT guy, key logging software and a Nanny Cam in the room where she is chatting with "parents" could end the mystery quite quickly. Lets hope this is a situation where she simply hasn't told her parents, and not her planning on waiting out the AOS to bring her "real" person here.

good luck

[PhilAmTx 14]

I found my contact information in her phone saved under a girl's name.

i am sorry to tell you but obviously she is "cheating"/"using"you from the start..

somebody back to her home would be jealous or not know about she is married with you..thats why she put your contact # into a names girl.. forgive me if i am wrong..

[BMW4me 12]

I think many would agree with this. "dude complain to USCIS about this, they will reject her from getting the permanent residency, send her back to Albania".

do this now or you will regret it

It makes me so angry when someone uses someone just to get a green card.

[marjus's girl 6]

My husband is Albanian and I can tell you that if a guy/girl isn't serious about you or you are not the one then they will not let you meet there parents..Its their culture ..so if you haven't met a them that is a very bad sign Im afraid:( also very old school parents still arrange marriages there ...so I would say she probably is meeting a guy or engaged to another and doesn't know how to get out of it or doesn't want too..Kids are raised to listen to their parents and respect their wishes..My husbands family loved me because my family is even more conservative then his..lol..I'm sorry but you need to bring this up to your wife and talk it out..good luck...

[steminem 0]

report her for fraud...

[NicoNShawn 2]

It sounds to me like you are being too non-confrontational about this. No offense, but it really sounds like you are a the type of person who regularly avoids conflicts. And it sounds like she's found that out and is using that to manipulate you. She lashes out at you whenever try to ask her about certain things and you back away feeling guilty as though you have done something wrong. You yourself are the one making excuses for all of the things she's doing. Why do you have a list of reasons for why your name has changed in her phone when she won't give you one?

You have concerns and they are valid. Don't let her throw that back at you as if you're doing something wrong. Ask her these questions, and demand the answers. This is your wife. This is your life together. Get the answers you need so that you can go forward confidently and live your lives together. I'm not saying to attack her and make her feel bad. Maybe there are some things she's embarrassed about. Maybe her family is modest and she is afraid you would judge them. Let her know that you love her and you'll love her family no matter what, because they are part of her. But you NEED her to let you be a part of that family too.

I really don't know you and might be way off base here. But sometimes you just gotta stand up and take things head on. Confront your wife and figure out what is going on.

[CourtAndGrey 0]

What a horrible situation to be in. I'm so sorry for your circumstances and wish you both the best.

Let me first start by saying how nice it is to see someone being level-headed and articulate about a potentially very serious life issue. You seem intelligent and well-spoken. Good for you for being willing to see all aspects of this situation, and to genuinely seek advice from those who may help.

It seems to me, some of the best insight you may get would be from other folks familiar with Albanian culture. The previous poster (MARJUS'S GIRL) shed some light on that, and to me, that is critical. Have you found any other VJ'ers with partners from Albania that you may be able to use as a sounding board for your concerns?

Obviously the lines of communication are limited with you and your spouse. When you attempt to address some of these challenging issues, she becomes defensive, and the conversations never see resolution. I would address that issue in particular with her. Letting her know that when she gets angry, you feel distrust, and as a result, only assume the worst. Maybe also share with her some of the thoughts you've had. Something like "When I ask you for information, and you provide none, I begin to think about what all the options could be. When I ask you who you are talking to, and you don't tell me, I begin to think it could be x, y, or z." If she really is talking to parents who simply aren't ready to meet you, this may trigger a response in her that would show you she's sad you actually think she could be cheating. If you get no response/a defensive response, maybe you have figured out her secret. Either way, when the next conversation happens, I would start gently offering up what your thoughts are. If she refuses to give you answers, you (like any person would) start to brainstorm what the answers could be. See how she responds to your thoughts.

I'm also curious if you guys have talked about your future goals. Are children going to be in the picture? Is buying a home in your future? Has she expressed what her long-term hopes and dreams are? Most importantly, these life goals should be built around the foundation of you as a married couple. Are you getting those vibes from her?

Good luck to you my friend.

[PinayArmyWife 2]

Hi there....I am so sorry to hear about your marital problems. And if I am in your shoes I would be worried as well. But with what you write in here, I truly believe that there is really something fishy about your wife. The best thing to end all of the doubts and worries that you have is to talk to her, tell her what you really feel about all of these. The more you wait, the more it's gonna eat you up inside.

1)You been married for awhile now and you have not met any of her family - i understand not meeting them while you are dating but you are married for awhile now...do you even know their names?

2) she talks to them in private - why go and lock the door? you said she talks to them in her native language so why lock up when you can't understand them

3)your name was registered under a girls name in her phone - this isn't something that will happen by itself and definitely another big sign that he is hiding you from someone

4)won't let you come along when she goes to visit her family- it's either her family doesn't know shes married to you or she wasn't with her family at all

5) talks about your marital problems to friends (why not talk to you?)- she talks to other people about your problems and some of which you said you didn't know that you have? maybe she's doing this because if she leaves you when she gets her permanent residency

6)when you ask her about it she tends to me all emotional - she knows you love her and if she do this, she knows you would stop bugging her about this...i'm a woman, trust me, i know.

COMMUNICATION...is the key to a happy and successful marriage.

Demand some answers, you are her husband, you have the right to know.

I am sorry if i am too straightforward, i could be wrong but this is just what i think about all of this.

good luck and i hope this will all be resolve soon.

[rika60607 215]

OP -

is your wife muslim? Are you? If she is and you are not, your marriage may be not recognized by her parents as a valid marriage (depending on how old school they are). Then it would make sense that she is hiding you from them.