Dealing with financial issues

[patient2010 93]

My husband wasn't working for three months before he traveled. He needed money to pay for the medical and other things. I told him plain n simple I don't have money to send to you..you have to find a way to get the money. He hustled and did odd jobs to get by.

If he truely loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he will do everything in his power to get by. He is at the final step of the process why throw that away.

I am with you on this although my husband worked a very good job when he was there....He even sent me money and gifts, he would always tell me that it doesnt take that much to live in Naija....because I would tell him he doesnt have to send me money because I am great and work a very good job and he would tell me it is his job to take care of me so I was like hay dont let me stop you!!!!! lol No worries queen1love he is probably just stressed and so ready to leave Naija that is all just pray........

Edited February 28, 2011 by patient2010

[PurpleSky 19]

I have had similar discussions with my fiance regarding finances. He doesn't ask me for money at all. I usually send over money for the necessities of what needs to be done because waiting for him to get up enough money to do things would take too long. One thing is he never threatened me about leaving me over money or how long this process is taking. I would advise to pray on this and try your best to look at things objectively. When my FH was home in Nigeria (after being gone for 4years) last month, he was so disheartened with how expensive things had become. But he had his brother there telling him this is just the way things are now, we make it ok. He brother went on to tell him, he does odd jobs to make money to eat, bills and phone credits. He said he doesn't need to live richly although that would be nice. Right now since he doesn't have a job, he does the best he can. My FH took all this in and even did a couple of odd jobs himself so I wouldn't be worried. His main point was to be able to take care of himself and leave some of the stress off me because I definitely don't have it like that.

It could be the stress of everything but I would definitely ask God to reveal the root of why your fiance is acting this way now. I will pray for you as well.

[queen1love 1]

Thanks eveyone for your thoughts and insight. I will continue to do what I can to see this process through and to make things as smooth for my fiance as possible. Thanks to the men who responded as well it is nice to hear both sides of the issue.

[cardinal 1]

I think this is a really context-specific question.

I can only tell you my experience. When he was living in BF, my FI basically managed his own finances. He did not have a lot of money to spare and so we didn't really go out much because he wasn't comfortable with me paying for things (fine with me as I'm a homebody anyways), but he was able to support himself. Now he is in grad school in France and is really struggling for money. He is working incredibly hard and living very frugally but the simple fact is that it is really hard to get a job in France, especially if you have an african name and are black. He has one job but can't get enough hours to cover all the bills and has been searching for another. He did not ask me for money, but I saw how stressed hje was and have given him money on several occasions. It actually caused an argument last time because he didn't want to accept it - said I had given him too much already. There are a couple of other things here - I am half french so I know the situation in France very well. My cousins there are in their 30s, have degrees from great schools, "good" jobs, work very hard, and still are supported financially by their parents. The economy is simply a mess (one of many reasons I don't live there). So I do know that it's not simply that he's not looking hard enough. Also, one of the reasons he is in this program in france is that we hope it'll make it easier for him to get into a PhD program in the US (and eventually a good job) - so in a sense this is something he is doing for our long term future. Note that I am a grad student myself so this has not been easy but by living frugally I have been able to make it work.

Has it been hard sometimes? Of course. We are socialized to believe that women should not have to support their men. I am a liberal feminist and I still find that I have that instinct, although objectively I don't agree with it. What helps is reminding myself (1) that if our genders were reversed, this would not be an issue, (2) that I really have been incredibly fortunate in my life and career and most of that is due to the "luck" of being born american, not because I am better or smarter or work harder than my FI, (3) that this is really a temporary situation, and most important (4) that he is doing everything he can to support himself and work towards being able to support both of us.

For me, (4), and the trust that is between us, is really the most important factor, but every situation is different. Good luck! These are tough issues

[queen1love 1]

Well I guess it was too much for my fiance to handle. I am glad I found all of this out now before he got here and pulled this stunt on me. I feel so used, abused, and taken advantage of, but I take it as a lesson learned. I am a child of God and I know HE will take care of me. I hate this has happened, but it makes no sense to me what my fiance is saying. You want me to send you money to help pay your bills. I say no, but you have money to apply for a visa to go abroad, plane ticket, and a place to live once you get there. I am sorry my love is not based on money. It makes no sense to me, and I am not going to try to understand the logic behind that. It is very clear he does not want to be with me, even though he says he still wants to be in the relationship. I am not going to waste my time or energy worrying about it. No use of wasting anymore time. No use of sending him the packet and forms when he has made it clear he is leaving Nigeria, and will not be there to go the interview. How do I go about withdrawing the K-1 application? Do I just email the embassy with the NVC case number and ask them to withdraw it? Don't know how he can get a visa to go abroad when he already has a visa application pending. It makes no sense. Better to deal with all this now than later.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

It is sad when this sort of thing happens and it happens way too often in Nigerian couples. I think we ( the USC) tend to get too wrapped up in the emotions of being in love to see that we have found a bad seed. Some of these Nigerians will stop at nothing to get their green card to the US and everyone pays for it. Valid couples get an earful from everyone that knows us with the Nigerian scammer stories. Our interviews are straight from H E double L . We see about 3-4 stories like this a year. Some of us old timers wish there are a crystal ball we could pass around that would show who is real and who is getting taken. Some of these men are so evil as to play along for over 2 years to get their 10 year GC or until the are a USC and then they split. Finding out early is a good thing. Good luck at healing and take care

[patient2010 93]

Well I guess it was too much for my fiance to handle. I am glad I found all of this out now before he got here and pulled this stunt on me. I feel so used, abused, and taken advantage of, but I take it as a lesson learned. I am a child of God and I know HE will take care of me. I hate this has happened, but it makes no sense to me what my fiance is saying. You want me to send you money to help pay your bills. I say no, but you have money to apply for a visa to go abroad, plane ticket, and a place to live once you get there. I am sorry my love is not based on money. It makes no sense to me, and I am not going to try to understand the logic behind that. It is very clear he does not want to be with me, even though he says he still wants to be in the relationship. I am not going to waste my time or energy worrying about it. No use of wasting anymore time. No use of sending him the packet and forms when he has made it clear he is leaving Nigeria, and will not be there to go the interview. How do I go about withdrawing the K-1 application? Do I just email the embassy with the NVC case number and ask them to withdraw it? Don't know how he can get a visa to go abroad when he already has a visa application pending. It makes no sense. Better to deal with all this now than later.

Wow! Sorry......better u find out now than later as u said....as Maya Angelou once said if someone shows u who they are believe them.... God will see u through all this.....

[PurpleSky 19]

I'm sorry queen. but if I haven't learned anything else I've learned God sees our future in our present. So rest assured that He will care for you. Big Hugs!

[Tero 105]

I'm sorry queen. but if I haven't learned anything else I've learned God sees our future in our present. So rest assured that He will care for you. Big Hugs!

So, does this mean she should not make any decision and let God decide for her?

[queen1love 1]

Thanks everyone 4 your support and well wishes. This is definatly tough. Too many unanswered questioned and a lot of things do not make any sense. It makes no sense to me how he can say he has applied for visa to another country when he already has a k1 visa pending. It seems more is going on than what he is telling me. It is very clear that money is not the issue. I hate to say this but I smell a 419 scam because all he is saying is backwards and is not logical. I guess you really never know somebody. We knew each other all this time and it was never a sign that I was being taken on a ride. I just want to withdraw this application and move on with my life.

[LADYDARE 28]

So sorry Queen...I pray that your own rightful bone and flesh will locate you. It is well. Stay blessed.

[PurpleSky 19]

So, does this mean she should not make any decision and let God decide for her?

It means she should do just what she's doing...trust God. She seems to be doing a good job of that.

[Tero 105]

It means she should do just what she's doing...trust God. She seems to be doing a good job of that.

[Mrs O. 29]

You need to withdraw the application officially, I would say send mails out to all three bodies you've dealt with USCIS, NVC and the embassy. I've seen people just abandon applications and it has come back to bite them when petitoning another finace(e) or spouse in the future.

Good luck to you!

[thelastpetitioner 218]

When your fiance gets here you will have to support him until he is able to find a job. Do you have a problem with that? What is the difference between supporting him here and helping to support him in his homeland. Many people on Visa Journey send money to their loved ones. Usually because they come from countries where they are poor and don't have much.

i know this situation is settled,but this statement is wrong.the difference between supporting someone in their homecountry and supporting someone in the states is that you know when your SO is looking for a job in the states,he will eventually find it.i dont get why people say its hard to find a job in the states,because there are plenty of jobs,some are " lower class" jobs but mcdonalds is always hiring!

so there is a big difference between supporting someone back home and supporting someone while they are looking for a job and youre sure of it