Dealing with financial issues

[queen1love 1]

I have a question for the ladies that have filed for visa's for their male fiance or spouse. How do you deal with financial situations? I am not speaking in terms of the visa process, but in general. My fiance is Nigerian. He is not currently working because his plan was to go another country to finish his schooling, but this has been put on hold since we are waiting on his interview date. Everyday he is out hustling to get money to pay his bills and things of that nature. I see that since filing the visa he is unhappy with his current situation because he believes if he can go to another country such as Egypt or the United Kingdom he would not be struggling for money. He says no one in Nigeria will hire him since he will be leaving to come to the states as soon as the visa is approved, and many employers in Nigeria are looking for long time workers. Even though he does not come right out and say it, I think he blames me for his situation. He often says if he does not have an interview date soon, he will have to leave the visa behind and he is going to Egypt or some other place to work because he have friends there that can help him find work. Or he may suggest if I can just send him money to help pay his bills till the interview date he won't have to leave or this will help alleviate his stress.

This is where I draw the line, and my problem begins. In my opinion, finances and communication are two important factors in relationship (after God of course). Even though I am able to send him the money, I don't feel like I should be obligated to send him money because he is a man, and he should be able to make a way. He is not on the streets, and he is not hungry. I do not live with him so why should I have to pay his bills? I know in a marriage, everything is not peachy and financial issues do happen now and again, this is why I am addressing the issue now with him, but he is not seeing it like I see it. My whole issue is, even though finances are always going to be a major thing in a relationship, I just want him to have his mind right to deal with the financial issues when they come. I don't want him to think I am the only way out for his financial trouble, and I want him to learn how to deal with his financial issues. Just because you don't have money does not mean it is the end of the world. I guess it may also be a cultural thing as well.

Are there other women out there in my situation, and if so, how to deal with financial issues when you have money and your fiance does not.

[amesa 9]

My opinion on this topic, had by personal experience, is that he should be able to take care of himself overseas. Each person should be able to handle their own finances until the two are living together. It is extremely difficult, unless a person has adequate funding, to maintain two separate households.

I dated a guy off and on for several years who told me the same bull ####### and in the end, he pulled the plug on our relationship. I found out afterwards that he was only using me for the money.

My present husband is not like this at all. He has a stable job and takes care of his finances, although we do communicate about major expenses despite the fact that we are not physically living together. I handle finances on my side and he does likewise.

Maybe I'm just being over-skeptical from what I have gone through in my life, but this sounds very fishy to me. I would think that he would be man enough to take care of his stuff while waiting for the visa...and honestly, that whole thing about going to a different country to find work, forfeiting the visa you have sacrificed so much for, unless you pay for all his living expenses sounds like a threat.

I would be livid if that were me. You guys aren't even married yet! I can understand sending some money over to help him if you guys were already married, but really...and I say this knowing I may get harped on...but I am strongly against this.

Just my honest opinion...ultimately, it's a decision you will need to make. I hope that it all works out.

Good luck in your journey.

[carolynhotstuff 252]

Your situation is a hard one because you do not feel that you should send him money. I am married so I feel that everything I have also belongs equally to my husband. So I would not have a problem sending my husband money to help pay his bills.

When your fiance gets here you will have to support him until he is able to find a job. Do you have a problem with that? What is the difference between supporting him here and helping to support him in his homeland. Many people on Visa Journey send money to their loved ones. Usually because they come from countries where they are poor and don't have much.

I don't understand why your fiance tells employers that he might soon be leaving the Country. He needs a job and withholding information about his visa would be in his best interest. Also to be realistic he could have his interview and be placed in AP where he would be stuck there for many months.

How did he make a living before he met you? Perhaps he can go back to doing that kind of work if you really feel that you don't want to support him.

[Tero 105]

Here's a guy's perspective; Traditionally, it is more of a norm when a guy supports his lady financially than when it's the other way round. There would not have been a problem with a one time financial help but, the fishy part is; He demanded the support and also wants it to be a continuous thing. If he really loves you, he will not abandon you just because you cannot afford to support him continuously. You need to make him realize you do not have money and that the little you've been able to save is for the rest of the immigration process. If he can understand this then you should expect a positive relationship, otherwise ...you should run! No responsible grown man should be comfortable to ask his fiancée to be his financial fortress.

[Meg and Nigel 21]

A question for ladies with male fiances/spouses? As in, it is natural for men to send money to support their female partners, but a man should be able to take care of himself? The old-fashioned idea that men should pay for everything should have been left behind when women started working. I expect my fiance to support me in every way, including financially. I also intend to support him exactly the same. He gave up everything to come be with me. He sold his house, sold his car, gave up everything he had worked his whole life to accumulate. After a three month stay with me here in the states, he has returned home and is having a very difficult time finding a job, due to factors directly related to the visa process. If he can't find a job and runs out of money, I will send him some. I trust that he is a dependable man that will work and help support our family when he comes home to me. In the meantime, I will help him financially, because at the moment, I am the financially stronger partner. I am not saying that everyone should take this approach. Money is a complicated issue and different things work for different people. I know couples that love and trust each other very much but mutually chose to keep their finances separate. I am simply answering the question of what I would do in the situation, as well as expressing an opinion. If you aren't comfortable sharing finances now or ever, there is nothing wrong with that. But I personally don't see that withholding money only because he is male and should be able to take care of himself is very fair. Especially if you expect him to eventually get a job and share his money with you.

[patient2010 93]

I have a question for the ladies that have filed for visa's for their male fiance or spouse. How do you deal with financial situations? I am not speaking in terms of the visa process, but in general. My fiance is Nigerian. He is not currently working because his plan was to go another country to finish his schooling, but this has been put on hold since we are waiting on his interview date. Everyday he is out hustling to get money to pay his bills and things of that nature. I see that since filing the visa he is unhappy with his current situation because he believes if he can go to another country such as Egypt or the United Kingdom he would not be struggling for money. He says no one in Nigeria will hire him since he will be leaving to come to the states as soon as the visa is approved, and many employers in Nigeria are looking for long time workers. Even though he does not come right out and say it, I think he blames me for his situation. He often says if he does not have an interview date soon, he will have to leave the visa behind and he is going to Egypt or some other place to work because he have friends there that can help him find work. Or he may suggest if I can just send him money to help pay his bills till the interview date he won't have to leave or this will help alleviate his stress.

This is where I draw the line, and my problem begins. In my opinion, finances and communication are two important factors in relationship (after God of course). Even though I am able to send him the money, I don't feel like I should be obligated to send him money because he is a man, and he should be able to make a way. He is not on the streets, and he is not hungry. I do not live with him so why should I have to pay his bills? I know in a marriage, everything is not peachy and financial issues do happen now and again, this is why I am addressing the issue now with him, but he is not seeing it like I see it. My whole issue is, even though finances are always going to be a major thing in a relationship, I just want him to have his mind right to deal with the financial issues when they come. I don't want him to think I am the only way out for his financial trouble, and I want him to learn how to deal with his financial issues. Just because you don't have money does not mean it is the end of the world. I guess it may also be a cultural thing as well.

Are there other women out there in my situation, and if so, how to deal with financial issues when you have money and your fiance does not.

I just have a question what was he doing before u started this journey? My only other problem is the fact that he told u that its bcuz of the visa process that has stopped him from going to work in another place. Sounds like mind games to me i think u need to look a little closer at ur relationship. Good luck with ur decision and welcome to VJ!

[Afrikan Queen 11]

I have a question for the ladies that have filed for visa's for their male fiance or spouse. How do you deal with financial situations? I am not speaking in terms of the visa process, but in general. My fiance is Nigerian. He is not currently working because his plan was to go another country to finish his schooling, but this has been put on hold since we are waiting on his interview date. Everyday he is out hustling to get money to pay his bills and things of that nature. I see that since filing the visa he is unhappy with his current situation because he believes if he can go to another country such as Egypt or the United Kingdom he would not be struggling for money. He says no one in Nigeria will hire him since he will be leaving to come to the states as soon as the visa is approved, and many employers in Nigeria are looking for long time workers. Even though he does not come right out and say it, I think he blames me for his situation. He often says if he does not have an interview date soon, he will have to leave the visa behind and he is going to Egypt or some other place to work because he have friends there that can help him find work. Or he may suggest if I can just send him money to help pay his bills till the interview date he won't have to leave or this will help alleviate his stress.

This is where I draw the line, and my problem begins. In my opinion, finances and communication are two important factors in relationship (after God of course). Even though I am able to send him the money, I don't feel like I should be obligated to send him money because he is a man, and he should be able to make a way. He is not on the streets, and he is not hungry. I do not live with him so why should I have to pay his bills? I know in a marriage, everything is not peachy and financial issues do happen now and again, this is why I am addressing the issue now with him, but he is not seeing it like I see it. My whole issue is, even though finances are always going to be a major thing in a relationship, I just want him to have his mind right to deal with the financial issues when they come. I don't want him to think I am the only way out for his financial trouble, and I want him to learn how to deal with his financial issues. Just because you don't have money does not mean it is the end of the world. I guess it may also be a cultural thing as well.

Are there other women out there in my situation, and if so, how to deal with financial issues when you have money and your fiance does not.

My fiance has never asked me for money, so I'm not in your situation. He has a job, but he is not happy with it because his employer treats his employees unfairly. I just tell him, 'just put up with it for now, it's only temporary'. It does seem a bit fishy that he is threating you leave the visa process if you don't send him money, like he is more interested in money than continuing the relationship.

[queen1love 1]

I just have a question what was he doing before u started this journey? My only other problem is the fact that he told u that its bcuz of the visa process that has stopped him from going to work in another place. Sounds like mind games to me i think u need to look a little closer at ur relationship. Good luck with ur decision and welcome to VJ!

[queen1love 1]

When we first met he was working in another country that is how he was able to go to school and have a few dollars to live off of while in school. While he was in school and after finishing school, he has been doing a little side work helping locals with computer systems, reformatting computer, making web pages, stuff like that. He says now since the holidays, things are kind of slow and people don't want to pay him for his work that he has already done. For weeks he has been trying to collect money for work he has done back in December. Clients that he has helped in the past tell him they have no work for him. He graduated from a computer school in Nigeria last year, and I take it the next step after you complete the program is that the school helps the student to get a visa to either Malaysia, Australia, or the United Kingdom to obtain a BSC..I guess this is equivalent to a Bachelor degree in the states. Up until this point, he has never asked me for money and when I have gone to visit him in the past he has taken care of things financially. So now that he is in a financial situation,(which I don't think is a major financial crisis) he thinks I should pay his bills since he can't follow through on his plans to finish his schooling. He says he does not want to withdraw the visa petition, and he wants to continue the relationship, but if he does not have a interview date in the next couple of weeks he is leaving. I told him in my eyes he is abandoning the application. I keep telling him we are at the final stages, but he does not want to hear that. I just want him to be a man, suck it up, and sacrifice. I do not want to be an enabler, and I want him to find away instead of running to me for money; especially since all his needs are taken care ( food, clothing, etc). He is not going hungry, and he has a roof over his head. I tell him to ask his friends. He says no because he don't not want them to know about his current situation. So I take it he does not need money bad enough since he won't ask nobody but me.

I know when the visa is approved I will have to support him until all the paperwork is completed and he finds a job, but I believe this situation is different because we will have bills as husband and wife.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

How long have you known this man and how did you meet him ? He seems so sure that he will get a work or education visa to another country at the drop of a hat ? I know the Nigerian way is to share when you have it and suffer when you don't but to be painfully honest I have never seen a valid relationship from Nigeria where there was a lot of pressure for money up front. If he isn't homeless and isn't hungry there is no need to send a regular stream of money his way. You will need enough to get him on his feet here.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

He says he does not want to withdraw the visa petition, and he wants to continue the relationship, but if he does not have a interview date in the next couple of weeks he is leaving.

If he leaves and then gets called for an interview he obviously can't be present at the interview. It is abandoning not only the visa process but what strikes me is that he is abandoning you. If he does that then wish him a nice live in wherever he is going and move on. It will be a true test of what your relationship is made of.

[patient2010 93]

Looking at ur timeline ur case is at the NVC and maybe possibly left there and is in Lagos according to past petitions it is going to take Lagos about another 3weeks after they receive the pkt to assign an interview which is mid to late March and it is possible that the interview will be 2to4 months out so u just need to really look at the relationship like stated before how long have know him, how did u meet him, things luke that. I just think it is bad of him to sau he will abandon the petition if no date is adsigned soon. You do not have control over when they assign dates and when they do assign a date will he stop asking for money? And just to be nice he could just be frustrated too of all of the unknowns during the procesd and waiting for the NOA2 etc..... Zlso maybe tell him to start reviewing for the interview u can send him samole questions that are under embassy reviews here on VJ....... Also FYI you cant teach a man to be a man......nor can u change them.......Good luck

[queen1love 1]

I have known him for 3 years and we been engaged for 2 years. I never seen him like this. I don't know if he is saying these things out of stress or if he really feels this way. when I called NVC Friday they said the petition had not left yet because Monday was a holiday. Great idea patience, instead of all this foolishness I will have him reviewing for the interview and preparing him 4 this stage of the process. Hopefully I have said enough for him to stop thinking the way he has and he will wait on the interview date.

[rodceasar 34]

As a man, I find it difficult to respond to your inquiry. I think everyone has given you really good food for thought especially carolynhotstuff & amesa! I've supported my wife since meeting, throughout this process and now that she is with me. I didn't necessarily have a problem with it but I do know how people tend to think Americans have it all and walk streets of gold. My wife and I have argued numerous times over finding work, spending wisely and the such. However, I decided to support my wife than to have her working dangerous jobs or jobs where sexual advances and harassment were to be an issue.

I feel that a man should be able to support himself because that's what wwe gotta do to survive in this world. I am also sure that he recognizes the cost of this process and your trips to visit him iin NIgeria. I was never given ultimatums but made to understand the struggles she was facing. I think you should consider helping him too some extent but not regularly. Work is hard to find in Africa for most but things are just as hard here in the US. You will find yourself supporting him when he gets to this side. Don't allow yourself to be used but be wise in your help! Feel the situation out well!

[LADYDARE 28]

My husband wasn't working for three months before he traveled. He needed money to pay for the medical and other things. I told him plain n simple I don't have money to send to you..you have to find a way to get the money. He hustled and did odd jobs to get by.

If he truely loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he will do everything in his power to get by. He is at the final step of the process why throw that away.