Hell after NOA2

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Why is everybody so focussed on the whole Valentine Situation????

And why isn't anybody looking at the FACT that she didn't show any effection or any sign of HAPPINESS when they received their NOA2?????????????????????????????????? The Valentine situation was after they have received their NOA2, and he was fed up & CONFUSED that she wasn't happy or over-stooooked that they have been approved. I would have my doubts too and think "Am I the only one who wants this?". Love is a partnership, not some one way street!!!!

Look at the cause first!! She has changed her mind BEFORE the actual Valentine's Day situation!!! Everybody knew she wanted to pull this off (her family and friends) before he even knew!!

AND EVEN THOUGH, if he would hold off the VISA, SHE ALREADY GAVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would think she was probably terrified. If you're close to your family, and suddenly realize that you're going to be thousands of miles away from everything you know and love....you become scared. I know I was when I left to live in England. Its a HUGE step. Instead of being hurt and confused with her....he should have been supportive and understanding. She needed time to accept the fact that everything she was hoping and waiting for was suddenly there....and what that meant for her. Getting her NOA2 was a double edged sword. In one sense she was probably thrilled. But she was also devastated about leaving her country, her home, her family, and EVERYTHING she has ever known.

[EAbbas 213]

We also must remember there was a lot more said and done than just what was posted...there is always 3 sides to the story...the perception of what happened for him/ the perception of what happened for her/ and somewhere in the middle lies THE TRUTH to waht happened...

that said...we can't base what we think happened on a simple several paragraph statement....they had a before during and after with much happenings and there is a lot more that probably intertwined along with their own conversations and statements to each other... we must not judge....we must simply be here to support...if his k1 visa is gone then so be it...whether due to him or her or both of them at fault..we do not know...

just give him your support and stop condemning and telling him he did smthing wrong...maybe he did maybe he didnt ....do we really know exactly waht happened??? if you do then go for it...if not then stop saying he was at fault...or she was at fault...its an unfortunate situation full of heartache for all parties invested...my heart goes out to them all...

[Angelheart1962 6]

Hi Mr.Florida

Firstly I think its very mean of Ontarkie to call you a jerk. Being pregnant isnt an excuse for being rude and its VERY rude to insult someone who has come on VJ with real distress and anxiety and call them a personal name. People post on here to get advice and other peoples opinions, not be made to feel small.

Anyway, Mr. Florida, I think Valentine's Day was the one of the final straws here. I know when you are far apart from your loved one things like that assume an enormous significance, and I can understand you being miffed with the situation. But I also think it was a little over the top to say about pulling the plug on the visa because of it. I dont know how old you both are, but you sound quite young, and that can make the whole thing harder to deal with emotionally.

Your gf seems to be very swayed by her parents, and I really think they have been working on her to end the relationship because of the selfish reason that they dont want to lose her. Sadly parents dont always accept the fact their children have their own lives and should be able to live them.

i dont think it was wrong of you not to rush to India when she was hospitalised, its not as if its round the corner from America or cheap to get to.

I think you should maybe be glad that this has happened now and not when you are married, take some time out and look after yourself.

Best wishes for the future. x

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; FINALLY!! It seems like everybody has stopped being judgemental!!

She made a huge mistake for not giving him the information that she was just not ready to make the huge step, he made a mistake with the whole Valentine thing going on.

Bottom line is, yall can point fingers to each other, but people do make mistakes, it's all about forgiving each other in a relationship.

People who said that he has to "man up" are just very judgemental.

All he asked for was MENTAL support, nothing else!! And for some guys here saying to man up princess is just nothing more than pathetic. Every person is different, everybody handels this kind of situation differently than an other person would do. Just don't kick him further in the ground as he is going thru a hard time anyways.

They both made mistakes, LOOK BEYOND that, yall rather look further than the problems and look for solutions to resolve this!!

LIKE I SAID: VISAJOURNEY IS SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING EACH OTHER, and if you don't agree with how the OP has handled the situation, then don't comment at all and only let people who are willing to give him possitive mental support post comments on his topic.

As for the OP: GOOD LUCK, and I truly hope you are going to be OK very soon!! It seems she already has decided to move on, it takes time for you to get ready to move on and find a woman who is ready to love you unconditionally.

BTW. I don't want to sound like Mrs.doctor Phill, but because this is a very emotional ride, all I want to do, is give my two cents and throw out some possitive vibes and optimism!!

Edited February 26, 2011 by Channah&Aaron

[LoveMyMiky 35]

This appears to be a case to where the length of K1 process has benefited your relationship as apparently your true colors came shining through. As I see it, her father did what a father should have done. His daughter was about to embark on a journey on the other side of the world with what was thought to be with a man of courage, understanding and compassion for his daughter. What he found was a whining individual who thought it was more important he receive a valentines (???) than understand the heart felt, gut wrenching feelings, of parents and daughter who were about to be separated.

Suspect this type of immature “me, me, me” behavior showed up elsewhere during the K1 wait, tearing at the threads of the relationship and the ultimate decision to leave family and country to immigrate.

This thread will probably be shut down, as I would expect others have little tolerance in holding back on giving straightforward observations and advice. For those who have suggested you “ignore the members who tell you to man up” sorry to say, in my opinion, they are misleading you in an attempt to comfort you. I would respectfully suggest you let it go and move on and don’t attempt to make further contact with her or her family. It appears, you are clearly not the only one in this relationship that has been hurt by shattered dreams.

[Channah&Aaron 51]

This appears to be a case to where the length of K1 process has benefited your relationship as apparently your true colors came shining through. As I see it, her father did what a father should have done. His daughter was about to embark on a journey on the other side of the world with what was thought to be with a man of courage, understanding and compassion for his daughter. What he found was a whining individual who thought it was more important he receive a valentines (???) than understand the heart felt, gut wrenching feelings, of parents and daughter who were about to be separated.

Suspect this type of immature me, me, me behavior showed up elsewhere during the K1 wait, tearing at the threads of the relationship and the ultimate decision to leave family and country to immigrate.

This thread will probably be shut down, as I would expect others have little tolerance in holding back on giving straightforward observations and advice. For those who have suggested you ignore the members who tell you to man up sorry to say, in my opinion, they are misleading you in an attempt to comfort you. I would respectfully suggest you let it go and move on and dont attempt to make further contact with her or her family. It appears, you are clearly not the only one in this relationship that has been hurt by shattered dreams.

I'm one of them. All I wanted is not to mislead him in an attempt to comfort the OP. My English is not that good, but good enough to make people understand that all I want to point out is that the OP isn't waiting on comments from people saying him to man up. If he wants to man up, he will, if he doesnt want to man up or can't, then he wont. All I'm saying is that the OP is asking for mental support only to help him through this difficult time. If he wants to receive comments from people telling him to man up, he would do so. But did you read somewhere asking him for comments like that, other than for possitve mental support?

Again, telling him to ignore people who said "man up, princess.. me me me" is so not misleading, it's preventing him from negative energy that some among us throws at him. He will man up, AFTER he can give everything a place. Because most of the guys would man up, because they are like that, doesn't mean that he can or will at this point.

No hard feelings, though!! Like you, I think this tread should be shut down since not many people are willing to give him mental support. He can find it else where from family/friends.

Edited February 26, 2011 by Channah&Aaron

[B_J 2,752]

I would think she was probably terrified. If you're close to your family, and suddenly realize that you're going to be thousands of miles away from everything you know and love....you become scared. I know I was when I left to live in England. Its a HUGE step. Instead of being hurt and confused with her....he should have been supportive and understanding. She needed time to accept the fact that everything she was hoping and waiting for was suddenly there....and what that meant for her. Getting her NOA2 was a double edged sword. In one sense she was probably thrilled. But she was also devastated about leaving her country, her home, her family, and EVERYTHING she has ever known.

True.

Receiving the NOA2 may have been the point where she realized what she was really going to do. She was going to pack her whole world into a couple of suit cases and leave everything she knew. She was going to move to the other side of the world and how often would she see her family? Once a year; maybe once every two years? who knows? While the NOA2 is very exciting; you're right, for her maybe it was the double edged sword. For the American, this whole process is about bringing our loved one there. For the beneficiary, it's about being with us, but with the condition of leaving everything else behind. A little confusion on her part should be expected.

[Sergi9 110]

I don't know how to start this topic, but I am extremely upset, confused, angry, and depressed as I write this now. I can use other readers' advice

But things unexpectedly crashed last week for Valentine's week. On Monday of last week, I had planned something special for her as I organized one of the flower services in India to send her flowers and candy on Valentine's Day. She received the flowers but the chocolates arrived a few days later. And I later learned on Valentine's Day she had planned something for me on the same day with a florist service here in the U.S. She told me this on Monday. I returned home from work on Monday expecting something waiting at my door, but I found nothing. I called her and told her I got nothing. She was very sad to learn this. So she gave the number of the florist service, I called them, and I learned they had gotten my address and phone number wrong. The florist service told me they would attempt to deliver again on Tuesday. So I went to work on Tuesday, returned home, and found nothing again. She called me later that night, and I told her I'm feeling very sad because this would be the 2nd Valentine's Day apart from each other and the 2nd Valentine's Day I sent her a gift and she did not send me anything.

What do with my life now?

Valentines day is a HALLMARK HOLIDAY, its probably not even celebrated in your fiance's country and probably has no significance to her , and might even seem an extreme waste of money in a culture where money is not growing on trees.

A gift is not a "gift" if its expected or extracted or coerced.

[PrestoMN 4]

The stress of a long distance relationship is incredible. Communicating by phone, email and even skype (thank God for technology!) are not the same as being in the same room. We haven't received our NOA2 yet, but as we get closer it seems the anxiety gets higher too. I need to remind myself constantly that:

1) the stress she's feeling is much more than mine ... at the end of the day I get to add a wonderful woman I love to my life. She is trading in her life for something entirely new and unknown.

2) when I start reading her mind I'm in dangerous territory. My perception of what a particular mood means is is just that, my perception. I must rely on the overwhelming fact that she will give up all she knows to be with me, and this is an amazing gesture of love.

I don't think this is about what happened on Valentine's day - that was just the catalyst to express some pent up emotions. If you really love her, don't just throw everything away. Regardless of whether you want to try to revive the relationship, a sincere apology for your behavior is the right thing to do ... not an explanation for your actions, but an acknowledgement that they were wrong. If you plan do it with the expectation that it will make everything wonderful again, don't bother.

In most relationships there will be conflicts, it's normal. In good relationships both parties try to see the other persons position. Be respectful of all that she is/was willing to sacrifice for you, and remember how your anxiety pales in comparison to hers.

Maybe there is hope for the relationship, maybe not. The ONLY thing that you can control at this point is your reaction to the situation. You can't control what she will do moving forward, and it would appear from her reaction that the more you try the more she'll pull away.

Good luck to you.

Edited February 26, 2011 by PrestoMN

[SusanJairo 0]

Interesting story. So, first, this is not the end of the world man, you will survive, a better woman will show up and you learned a couple of things. Second, I think she was hiding things from you but dont think about that, you will never know it. Third, it looks to me like it was a mistake from your part to tell her you wanted to hold the process up, I bet her family used that against you. And no, it is not enough to say "I love you" everyday, you have to show it with facts (I learned that the hard way), but sometimes you, as an american, need to understand that Saint Valentines day is not so common or important in other parts of the world, it doesnt even exist. Be grateful it happened now and dont worry, not all women are like that. And if maybe you still want her back, dont contact her again, if she really loved you, she will come to you, and, believe me, the best tactic is to ignore her to get her back.

[LoveMyMiky 35]

OP, as a matter of interest, noticed your (ex?) fiancé posted a topic in late January revealing her concerns and love for you, and later her jubilation of receiving the NAO2. When initially posted, remember thinking it was an excellent post as the very same concerns shared were also concerns of my fiancé. Thought her post was sincere, well founded and stated. It is interesting that she was logged into VJ earlier this morning (US time) and assume reading this post with great interest.

[felo391971 4]

For a gift ? My man you were completly Off base . You are going to hold the Visa? It may be a cultural issue however in my culture you should never spect something back for the acts of love you do for fiance .wife ect. Because if that the case you are not loving is something else . My advice is to move on and find your true LV , That special person that only there presens will be the best gift you could ever had . All this is a blessing for you and her . Look at it like that.

Good luck and in the oder hand im sorry the 2 of you had to find out that way

[my_life 0]

This appears to be a case to where the length of K1 process has benefited your relationship as apparently your true colors came shining through. As I see it, her father did what a father should have done. His daughter was about to embark on a journey on the other side of the world with what was thought to be with a man of courage, understanding and compassion for his daughter. What he

found was a whining individual who thought it was more important he receive a valentines (???) than understand

the heart felt, gut wrenching feelings, of parents and daughter who were about to be separated.

Suspect this type of immature “me, me, me” behavior showed up elsewhere during the K1 wait, tearing at the threads of the relationship and the ultimate decision to leave family and country to immigrate.

This thread will probably be shut down, as I would expect others have little tolerance in holding back on giving straightforward observations and advice. For those who have suggested you “ignore the members who tell you to man up” sorry to say, in my opinion, they are misleading you in an attempt to comfort you. I would respectfully suggest you let it go and move on and don’t attempt to

make further contact with her or her family. It appears, you are clearly not the only one in this relationship that has been hurt by shattered dreams.

i love this.. your lady is so lucky..

[lvriesling 11]

http://countrystudies.us/india/86.htm

[...] Marriage is deemed essential for virtually everyone in India. For the individual, marriage is the great watershed in life, marking the transition to adulthood. Generally, this transition, like everything else in India, depends little upon individual volition but instead occurs as a result of the efforts of many people. Even as one is born into a particular family without the exercise of any personal choice, so is one given a spouse without any personal preference involved. [...] Source: U.S. Library of Congress

Edited February 26, 2011 by lvriesling

[amykathleen2005 441]

; FINALLY!! It seems like everybody has stopped being judgemental!!

She made a huge mistake for not giving him the information that she was just not ready to make the huge step, he made a mistake with the whole Valentine thing going on.

Bottom line is, yall can point fingers to each other, but people do make mistakes, it's all about forgiving each other in a relationship.

People who said that he has to "man up" are just very judgemental.

All he asked for was MENTAL support, nothing else!! And for some guys here saying to man up princess is just nothing more than pathetic. Every person is different, everybody handels this kind of situation differently than an other person would do. Just don't kick him further in the ground as he is going thru a hard time anyways.

They both made mistakes, LOOK BEYOND that, yall rather look further than the problems and look for solutions to resolve this!!

LIKE I SAID: VISAJOURNEY IS SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING EACH OTHER, and if you don't agree with how the OP has handled the situation, then don't comment at all and only let people who are willing to give him possitive mental support post comments on his topic.

As for the OP: GOOD LUCK, and I truly hope you are going to be OK very soon!! It seems she already has decided to move on, it takes time for you to get ready to move on and find a woman who is ready to love you unconditionally.

BTW. I don't want to sound like Mrs.doctor Phill, but because this is a very emotional ride, all I want to do, is give my two cents and throw out some possitive vibes and optimism!!

Actually if you read his first post he did not ask for mental support he asked several questions all relating to why his fiance did all of these "wrongs" to him. The people of VJ were just letting him know their opinion to his questions based on his story. You should not come on to a forum which has a whole purpose for advice and sometimes debate and not expect answers from both sides. I would hope that you do not live in a place where everyone will comfort you and tell you that you are right even if you are horribly wrong.