Hell after NOA2

[Mr. Florida 11]

I don't know how to start this topic, but I am extremely upset, confused, angry, and depressed as I write this now. I can use other readers' advice on how to deal with my situation now.

My ex-fiancee's K-1 visa petition was approved on January 31, but over the past month, our relationship literally fell off the cliff. My ex-fiancee and I had been patiently waiting for our NOA2 for over 5 months, and this topic would be our subject of discussion day in and day out. We were both equally super excited and zealous about her coming to the U.S. and starting a life with me. And we started planning what we would do and how she would adjust after she moved. Yet after we get our NOA2, I noticed a stark and unexpected change in her attitude about the whole approval of our petition. In the days after our NOA2, she was suddenly depressed all the time when I expected her to be enthusiastic and joyous about our approval. I asked her repeatedly about her reaction toward our approval when I was hoping and expecting for several months prior that she would celebrate this occasion. She told me her parents are constantly telling her that they love her and they do not want to let her go. And I'm left wondering why are they saying this now when these things were settled several months ago before I visited her in India last summer to get engaged. About a week after our approval, we had a series of arguments about this. After those arguments, we eventually came back together, and I told her I understand how big of a sacrifice she is making to leave her country and her family behind to spend her life with me. And I told her I would do everything I can to support her and guide her in a trying time like this. So a few more weeks went by but we constantly had recurring conversations whether if she can manage to live away from her country and her family. I always consoled her during this time, but I thought in the back of my head that someone who is questioning so much to move to me has serious doubts, maybe about the move or maybe about our relationship.

But things unexpectedly crashed last week for Valentine's week. On Monday of last week, I had planned something special for her as I organized one of the flower services in India to send her flowers and candy on Valentine's Day. She received the flowers but the chocolates arrived a few days later. And I later learned on Valentine's Day she had planned something for me on the same day with a florist service here in the U.S. She told me this on Monday. I returned home from work on Monday expecting something waiting at my door, but I found nothing. I called her and told her I got nothing. She was very sad to learn this. So she gave the number of the florist service, I called them, and I learned they had gotten my address and phone number wrong. The florist service told me they would attempt to deliver again on Tuesday. So I went to work on Tuesday, returned home, and found nothing again. She called me later that night, and I told her I'm feeling very sad because this would be the 2nd Valentine's Day apart from each other and the 2nd Valentine's Day I sent her a gift and she did not send me anything. She was more sad and our conversation ended at that. On the next morning, she sent me an apology email. Because I was too sad and upset about the whole situation, I emailed her back saying I was really expecting something for this year's Valentine's Day. I understood it was not her fault the florist service could not deliver, but since she did not even bother to say Happy Valentine's Day either through email or a simple card in the mail, I told her I am really upset about this situation and I would like to hold off on the visa. I felt as though I've been doing everything for her constantly over several months, including visiting her and her family in India and her visa, and in return I do not get a single actual gesture of love from her. I've heard her tell me she loves me too many times. But on this Valentine's Day, I was really expecting something from her. It did not have to be complicated. Something simple like an email or a Valentine's Day card would have sufficed. I know she was making the true sacrifice of moving to me, but does that mean she never has the need to show her love for me ever through all these holidays like Valentine's Day and my birthday because she will one day make the true sacrifice?

A day later, I called her, and her phone was turned off all day. I called her dad later that day. I found out from him she was hospitalized. He told me he will call me later on. I was in total shock and totally helpless. I wanted to do something but I could not do anything being this far away. For the next 4 days, I called day in and day out, but her phone was turned off each day. So after waiting for her dad's phone call during those days, I called her dad again last Sunday, and both her parents told me their daughter recently returned from the hospital. I asked if she was okay and what went wrong. And they both blamed me for the whole situation and were suddenly dead against our whole marriage. I asked how can someone be hospitalized over a small comment like that. They gave me a very vague answer. I asked to speak with her, but they would not allow me to speak with her. They told me never to call them again. And these words are coming from parents who made a promise that we are getting married at a temple in front of God last summer.

Immediately after hearing this, I called my parents who were out of town. I told them the whole situation. They could not understand why her parents insulted me for calling them to ask about their daughter's health. While on the phone with them and not able to bear this stress anymore, I started to experience anxiety attacks and collapsed on the floor. My parents sensed something was seriously wrong, and they called an ambulance on my behalf. I spent the next 24 hours in a hospital. My dad flew in from out of town to take care of me and has been with me ever since that day. During this time, my dad sent my fiancee an email stating I was admitted to the hospital and did not understand what she was doing and why. Amazingly, my fiancee never bothered to reply back to that email asking if I was okay or safe.

After I returned from the hospital, our relationship spiraled into total destruction. I was hoping things would cool off, but I could never imagine what would suddenly happen. A day later, she sent me an email saying only the words, "I quit". I only replied back saying "I'm sorry". A day after that, she sent me a message on Facebook asking me to remove all our photos together and her friends from my friend list. I never replied back to that message, but I wanted to ask her why she was cutting it off suddenly. I did not ask her that question since I knew she would never bother to answer back as she was ignoring my dad and me. I did not want to be feel insulted all over again because she had been ignoring my texts throughout the week and her parents had insulted me viciously on the phone when I called to ask about her health. And today, she finally took the last step and un-friended me from Facebook and is asking all her friends to do the same.

And now I am left with a thousand questions.

How can she just dump me over a simple little argument over Valentine's Day?

How can she not bother to contact my dad if I'm okay knowing I've been sent to the hospital when she knew I was contacting her and her dad repeatedly when she was in the hospital?

How can she value her anger over my safety?

How can she just ignore everything I've done for her over the past 15 months, including my visit to her country, our engagement, and all my effort and money spent on this fiancee visa?

How can 14 months worth of happiness and joy be destroyed over a single month of confusion and bitterness because all our arguments had begun after we got our NOA2?

How can something so good go wrong so fast?

My parents are supporting and encouraging me in a time like this. They're now telling me a girl who can be this heartless and cruel as not to care about your health stopped loving you. "If she was truly in love with you, no matter the argument, she would have had the urge to call just once to see if you're okay." And my parents are telling me, "she lived in a fantasy world all this time thinking she would move to America. But when our petition for her visa was approved, she fell back down to reality and thought she cannot give up everything for me". They're saying she did not realize just how tough a move from one country to another can be and she did not have the maturity to let go of her parents nor the amount of love to actually make this move for me. I shared my experience with one of my senior colleagues at work, and he echoed the same sentiment telling me she is not mature enough to marry a guy at her age and would probably not have been happy after she moved to the U.S. I asked one of my good friends about this situation, and he told me their family will one day regret what they've done to me.

With such thoughts in my head, now I am left wondering I loved someone so dearly that I visited her, dragged my parents with me into visiting her last summer, got engaged at a temple in front of God, returned to the U.S., spent a lot of time, effort, and money into our fiancee visa, went through 5 months of heart ache waiting for our approval, and finally received our NOA2. After over 12 months worth of effort, she just threw me out on the street when things finally looked bright for us. And now I feel like a total fool. I have posted many threads on this website asking for advice and opinions on official matters, but now I need some desperate advice on a very emotional matter, for which I know our relationship ended suddenly and heartlessly. I would like to hear thoughts from others on this matter please. Maybe what I did was wrong about the whole Valentine's Day incident, but I was totally willing to make up for it as we have had many simple arguments like this in the past. But is a simple argument like that good enough to throw away something as precious as love? How can she do this to me? How do I move on from this? What do with my life now?

[Darnell 8,479]

Parents have almost total control , sorry. (Hers)

[EAbbas 213]

Parents have almost total control , sorry. (Hers)

My heart goes out to you...just stay strong..I know your love was true to her but let time pass...then look back...it will be much more clear then...I'm just glad your both ok...as much as that is...INSHALLAH evthing will work out as it is supposed to...Take much care...

Ameena

[Mud Boy 0]

There's more to it than just a little argument im sure.

Maybe her parents, maybe her friends.....

I wouldnt know what to do, id be just as confused and out of it as you. Just try to be strong and keep your head up. Maybe take some time off work

[bahuffma 9]

man up princess

[EAbbas 213]

There's more to it than just a little argument im sure.

Maybe her parents, maybe her friends.....

I wouldnt know what to do, id be just as confused and out of it as you. Just try to be strong and keep your head up. Maybe take some time off work

I agree with Mud Boy...there has to be more to it..and you have to understand you may never know the reasons behind it..just keep your chin up and know that its little comfort that it happened now rather than after she came here and got settled married and then went home because she was unhappy...very little comfort i know but we are all here for you even if you need to vent ....

[Diana and Chris 25]

There is no excuse strong enough when it comes to living for and with true love. I will pray for your heart and your peace of mind.

Diana.

[Ontarkie 14,509]

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm pregnant and have raging hormones or what but you seem to be a jerk to me. You tell her you want to hold off on the visa cause she didn't say Happy Valentines day to you. She sent you a gift it was the florist fault you did not receive it. To me that's a threat, telling her you do as I want or else I will hold this visa over your head. That is probably how her parent's see it also, the threats are already starting in their eyes and like any parent they want to protect their daughter.

Then you find out she is in the hospital, and you question her father how can some little argument do that to her, but then you end up in the hospital over all this and get mad at her cause she is not jumping at your side calling none stop etc. Seems to me you are just as immature as she is.

Moving and leaving everything you know and love is not easy for anyone, no matter the age. Some ppl do have very close family and family is a big part of their lives, some ppl can not handle it other's manage to make it through but it is not done over night.

Again this is how I see it from your post.

[tru_loves_journey 117]

I'm so very sorry you have gone through all of that just to be let down in the end. Please give alot of thought to this being an easier way to end this, if she would have come to you and she wasn't happy then after sharing more of your life with her and becoming more attached you would have had to let her go after trying so hard to make her feel the love your trying to give her and her never seeing how much you loved her. Trust me it would have been more painful. Live each day with no regrets, know in your heart you gave it your all. Stand tall because there aren't alot of men who try as hard as you have. Everyday you think to yourself ...I gave love from the heart and I'm sorry for her that she lost a good man like me! ...Hang in there, we all have been where you are at one time in our lives and it's not a good feeling to have. Be Strong and Take Care of Yourself

[shazj1 2]

Wow, that's alot to take in..to be honest, i don't think you were right in placing that much importance on valentines day..the fact that she told you she loves you everyday should have been good enough. If you made a big deal about some silly day, then that's your fault. Why did you expect something from her, even if it was a wish? I think her decision to leave everything behind to move across the world to be with you would have meant more to you than some silly greeting.

As for her, well, it seems to me that she already had second thoughts about you and this whole valentines drama was just her get out card.

Bottom line is, you need to move on and stop pondering on why she did what she did. You have a life to lead and spending time on your past will only waste your time, not hers. All the best.

[del-11-03-2013 1]

I remember feeling excited when Paul want to submit the K1 application forms but after we received NOA2, I started feel nervous and cold feet. I was so scared start a new life in a new country and we have small arguments on and off. Basically I'm the one who started first. Paul never take serious my request to break up and he is very patient. My parents says they love me and they wish I don't move to other country. Of course I love them but I love Paul more and he is a keeper. Where can I find a guy who's extremely patient with my childish attitudes? I received my K1 visa on December and I moved to SF next 3 months because I want to make sure I'm at least.... 60% ready.

I don't know what's wrong with your ex...maybe she have cold feet & confuse now. You probably need to give her some time to cool off.

Edited February 25, 2011 by NadianaPaul

[gandacel 7]

I completely understand you. I cannot say that she didn't love you at all, maybe she did, maybe the distance killed it, which meant that she wasn't ready for it. I am not going to try to defend her because, honestly, she doesn't deserve it. I am sure that she didn't decide in the last month that she doesn't want to leave her family and her friends, this has been on her mind for a while now - my opinion. But now I am going to tell you something from the point of view of the person who is making the biggest sacrifice. I am the non-USC, the one who is going to leave everything behind to go be with the one I love. And even though I love my fiance like crazy, it's still not easy. I was in the States with him this summer when my grandmother died, and I couldn't say goodbye. I can't stop thinking sometimes about the possibility of something happening to my family and me not being able to come and be with them. I have been in the States 5 times and I love it there and I love being with my fiance. I know it's not going to be a problem for me to adjust - we have lived together, I am used to the culture and so on. And it's still a really hard thing to do. From you timeline I see that she hasn't been to the States and that you guys didn't live together. I think it's tough when you're deciding to go to a country where you know you're probably going to experience a culture shock, and have noone there except the person you love. And don't get me wrong, I know that the whole process is tough on both the USC and the non-USC, but I think sometimes it's easier to fall in a dream world, and think about your fiancee coming to live with you, and think she is just as happy as you, but undermine the significance of this big step, moving to the US. I do get frustrated at times and think this way...and it's normal. I am not generalizing, and maybe this is not what happened in your case, this is me talking from my own experience, hoping it will somehow help you make sense of what you're going through. My advice is to stay strong, and think about it this way: it's better that she realized it now, instead of doing it after you got married. You seem like a really kind person, so I am sure someone will come along who will love you just as much as you will love her.

[staceluvyou 6]

I don't know how to start this topic, but I am extremely upset, confused, angry, and depressed as I write this now. I can use other readers' advice on how to deal with my situation now.

My ex-fiancee's K-1 visa petition was approved on January 31, but over the past month, our relationship literally fell off the cliff. My ex-fiancee and I had been patiently waiting for our NOA2 for over 5 months, and this topic would be our subject of discussion day in and day out. We were both equally super excited and zealous about her coming to the U.S. and starting a life with me. And we started planning what we would do and how she would adjust after she moved. Yet after we get our NOA2, I noticed a stark and unexpected change in her attitude about the whole approval of our petition. In the days after our NOA2, she was suddenly depressed all the time when I expected her to be enthusiastic and joyous about our approval. I asked her repeatedly about her reaction toward our approval when I was hoping and expecting for several months prior that she would celebrate this occasion. She told me her parents are constantly telling her that they love her and they do not want to let her go. And I'm left wondering why are they saying this now when these things were settled several months ago before I visited her in India last summer to get engaged. About a week after our approval, we had a series of arguments about this. After those arguments, we eventually came back together, and I told her I understand how big of a sacrifice she is making to leave her country and her family behind to spend her life with me. And I told her I would do everything I can to support her and guide her in a trying time like this. So a few more weeks went by but we constantly had recurring conversations whether if she can manage to live away from her country and her family. I always consoled her during this time, but I thought in the back of my head that someone who is questioning so much to move to me has serious doubts, maybe about the move or maybe about our relationship.

But things unexpectedly crashed last week for Valentine's week. On Monday of last week, I had planned something special for her as I organized one of the flower services in India to send her flowers and candy on Valentine's Day. She received the flowers but the chocolates arrived a few days later. And I later learned on Valentine's Day she had planned something for me on the same day with a florist service here in the U.S. She told me this on Monday. I returned home from work on Monday expecting something waiting at my door, but I found nothing. I called her and told her I got nothing. She was very sad to learn this. So she gave the number of the florist service, I called them, and I learned they had gotten my address and phone number wrong. The florist service told me they would attempt to deliver again on Tuesday. So I went to work on Tuesday, returned home, and found nothing again. She called me later that night, and I told her I'm feeling very sad because this would be the 2nd Valentine's Day apart from each other and the 2nd Valentine's Day I sent her a gift and she did not send me anything. She was more sad and our conversation ended at that. On the next morning, she sent me an apology email. Because I was too sad and upset about the whole situation, I emailed her back saying I was really expecting something for this year's Valentine's Day. I understood it was not her fault the florist service could not deliver, but since she did not even bother to say Happy Valentine's Day either through email or a simple card in the mail, I told her I am really upset about this situation and I would like to hold off on the visa. I felt as though I've been doing everything for her constantly over several months, including visiting her and her family in India and her visa, and in return I do not get a single actual gesture of love from her. I've heard her tell me she loves me too many times. But on this Valentine's Day, I was really expecting something from her. It did not have to be complicated. Something simple like an email or a Valentine's Day card would have sufficed. I know she was making the true sacrifice of moving to me, but does that mean she never has the need to show her love for me ever through all these holidays like Valentine's Day and my birthday because she will one day make the true sacrifice?

A day later, I called her, and her phone was turned off all day. I called her dad later that day. I found out from him she was hospitalized. He told me he will call me later on. I was in total shock and totally helpless. I wanted to do something but I could not do anything being this far away. For the next 4 days, I called day in and day out, but her phone was turned off each day. So after waiting for her dad's phone call during those days, I called her dad again last Sunday, and both her parents told me their daughter recently returned from the hospital. I asked if she was okay and what went wrong. And they both blamed me for the whole situation and were suddenly dead against our whole marriage. I asked how can someone be hospitalized over a small comment like that. They gave me a very vague answer. I asked to speak with her, but they would not allow me to speak with her. They told me never to call them again. And these words are coming from parents who made a promise that we are getting married at a temple in front of God last summer.

Immediately after hearing this, I called my parents who were out of town. I told them the whole situation. They could not understand why her parents insulted me for calling them to ask about their daughter's health. While on the phone with them and not able to bear this stress anymore, I started to experience anxiety attacks and collapsed on the floor. My parents sensed something was seriously wrong, and they called an ambulance on my behalf. I spent the next 24 hours in a hospital. My dad flew in from out of town to take care of me and has been with me ever since that day. During this time, my dad sent my fiancee an email stating I was admitted to the hospital and did not understand what she was doing and why. Amazingly, my fiancee never bothered to reply back to that email asking if I was okay or safe.

After I returned from the hospital, our relationship spiraled into total destruction. I was hoping things would cool off, but I could never imagine what would suddenly happen. A day later, she sent me an email saying only the words, "I quit". I only replied back saying "I'm sorry". A day after that, she sent me a message on Facebook asking me to remove all our photos together and her friends from my friend list. I never replied back to that message, but I wanted to ask her why she was cutting it off suddenly. I did not ask her that question since I knew she would never bother to answer back as she was ignoring my dad and me. I did not want to be feel insulted all over again because she had been ignoring my texts throughout the week and her parents had insulted me viciously on the phone when I called to ask about her health. And today, she finally took the last step and un-friended me from Facebook and is asking all her friends to do the same.

And now I am left with a thousand questions.

How can she just dump me over a simple little argument over Valentine's Day?

How can she not bother to contact my dad if I'm okay knowing I've been sent to the hospital when she knew I was contacting her and her dad repeatedly when she was in the hospital?

How can she value her anger over my safety?

How can she just ignore everything I've done for her over the past 15 months, including my visit to her country, our engagement, and all my effort and money spent on this fiancee visa?

How can 14 months worth of happiness and joy be destroyed over a single month of confusion and bitterness because all our arguments had begun after we got our NOA2?

How can something so good go wrong so fast?

My parents are supporting and encouraging me in a time like this. They're now telling me a girl who can be this heartless and cruel as not to care about your health stopped loving you. "If she was truly in love with you, no matter the argument, she would have had the urge to call just once to see if you're okay." And my parents are telling me, "she lived in a fantasy world all this time thinking she would move to America. But when our petition for her visa was approved, she fell back down to reality and thought she cannot give up everything for me". They're saying she did not realize just how tough a move from one country to another can be and she did not have the maturity to let go of her parents nor the amount of love to actually make this move for me. I shared my experience with one of my senior colleagues at work, and he echoed the same sentiment telling me she is not mature enough to marry a guy at her age and would probably not have been happy after she moved to the U.S. I asked one of my good friends about this situation, and he told me their family will one day regret what they've done to me.

With such thoughts in my head, now I am left wondering I loved someone so dearly that I visited her, dragged my parents with me into visiting her last summer, got engaged at a temple in front of God, returned to the U.S., spent a lot of time, effort, and money into our fiancee visa, went through 5 months of heart ache waiting for our approval, and finally received our NOA2. After over 12 months worth of effort, she just threw me out on the street when things finally looked bright for us. And now I feel like a total fool. I have posted many threads on this website asking for advice and opinions on official matters, but now I need some desperate advice on a very emotional matter, for which I know our relationship ended suddenly and heartlessly. I would like to hear thoughts from others on this matter please. Maybe what I did was wrong about the whole Valentine's Day incident, but I was totally willing to make up for it as we have had many simple arguments like this in the past. But is a simple argument like that good enough to throw away something as precious as love? How can she do this to me? How do I move on from this? What do with my life now?

i'm so sorry to hear this. but don't b so hard on yourself.i think you took the relationship more seriously than she did, and she was not willing to give up her life and her parents for you. this is not from valentine's day but valentines day was the big break she got. it was ok telling you everything you wanted to hear before the NOA2 BCUZ EVERYTHING SEEMED SO FAR AWAY, BUT ONCE YOU GOT it, it became more realistic and she could'nt pretend anymore. it's hard but i understand both of your situations, i try looking at it from her side as well. i used to feel the same way when my fiance just filed the k1 petition, we would always talk about life in the us but it seemed so far away, but as we r getting closer and closer i started to freak out.he realized this and numerous times asked me if i really wanna b with him, i love him with all my heart and yes i wanna b with him, but when i think about` leaving my sisters and friends and life behind to go in a strange place where i dont know anyone it was very frightening. the difference though is me fiancee lived here in jamaica for two years and during that time we lived together for a year, we also have a beautiful daughter, so i know the wonderful person he is, she on the other don't really know you, yes you have been to visit her but it takes more than that, and ppl do change after a while. i think she was just scared of moving away from the safety and security of her homeland and family to move to a country where she knows no-one, not even you. bcuz in reality a serious relationship can never be determined and grow over the phone r computer. some do, but most dont, you can talk to someone for years on the net but when it comes to living together you find that the person is not who u think they r. maybe she was'nt who u think she was either, so when all is said and done, maybe it's all for the best. only time will tell

[amykathleen2005 441]

From your posting it sounds like you are stuck in your own egocentric world. She got you a Valentine's present and it got lost, so what? She did try, what else do you want from her. And then you go off and have a hissy fit about her not caring about you when she did send something.

All you did was call to see how she was doing in the hospital. It seems like her family was trying to see how far you would go for her (you did say you would do anything for her) but you didn't try to visit. You don't know if the message from you ever got past her parents, she may think that you didn't care about her while she was sick.

How is it that when she is sick she gets one phone call from you but when you are sick it is a total meltdown....?

[DanishBill 15]

I respect the fact that you poured your heart out here, you're hurt, I get that. But like the above poster writes; you did not understand why she went into the hosp. and then you did the same.

I'm not pregnant and do not have raging hormones - and I think your response is way off base.

Good luck.