Enagement Ceremony or not? (Vietnam)

[3AD 0]

To "dam hoi" or not to "dam hoi"?

Some people seem to think this is crucial. But others say that showing pictures that look anything like a wedding (and dam hoi ceremony certainly does to those not familiar with the culture) will cause problems for K-1 application, especially with immigration officers beyond the consulate (coming into USA).

I'm really confused with this contradiction.

How about having a dam hoi, but also getting a certificate showing my fiance is single? I don't see this listed in requirements for documents that fiance is to bring to interview.

Thanks,

3AD

[Matt_Stevens 5]

I'll 2nd that question.

[dalegg 143]

To "dam hoi" or not to "dam hoi"?

Some people seem to think this is crucial. But others say that showing pictures that look anything like a wedding (and dam hoi ceremony certainly does to those not familiar with the culture) will cause problems for K-1 application, especially with immigration officers beyond the consulate (coming into USA).

I'm really confused with this contradiction.

How about having a dam hoi, but also getting a certificate showing my fiance is single? I don't see this listed in requirements for documents that fiance is to bring to interview.

Thanks,

3AD

The engagement ceremony is a normal and important part of Vietnamese culture. The consular office will expect to see pictures of this at the interview. Not required but if you are concerned as to whether it is a plus or minus- it is definitely a plus. An eyebrow might be raised if you don't do it in fact.

This might not be the case if you were getting engaged to someone from say Canada, but this is one of those details that is different from Country to Country.

[STL_HCMC 0]

I'm going with Dalegg on this one! We did a small family engagement ceremony to celebrate the moment. It was nothing extravagant and a good way to keep the customs of the culture. Vietnamese women dream of the day they will find their special someone and have the opportunity to share in the time with family and friends.

I wish the focus of engagements and marriage wasn't so hindered by the should/should not's of the visa process. These are life events happening and they should be carried out as they would whether a visa was being petitioned or not.

STL_HCMC

[wait4ever 0]

There is a great old thread about this subject from member "ellis island", for those of you who can remember his great posts on dealing with the HCM Consulate. In Vietnam, the engagement ceremony is part of their tradition and I think the HCM Consulate almost expects it.

The statement of single status and it's english translation has always been required of us, and given our three year wait at this Consulate we have had to provide this document twice now.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Did I just read what you wrote correctly? You have been waiting 3 years? What?!

[wait4ever 0]

Yes, three years and still waiting. We have been victims of exceptionally bad treatment and service at the HCM Consulate. Not all cases take as long as ours, but I hear wait times are on the way up. I hope your case and those of others do not suffer the same kind of service we have received. Good luck and stick with it.

[kvtran 0]

Yes, three years and still waiting. We have been victims of exceptionally bad treatment and service at the HCM Consulate. Not all cases take as long as ours, but I hear wait times are on the way up. I hope your case and those of others do not suffer the same kind of service we have received. Good luck and stick with it.

Damn that sucks!!! I hope I won't need to wait that long. I call the consulate everyday finding out my fiance's status. By the way, the ladies who answer the phone are pretty damn rude if you speak in English I switch over to vietnamese and they talk a bit nicer. So back to the topic, I just did my Dam Hoi on Jan 10th. It was pretty wierd especially when you don't know anyone. But, I think it's a good idea to have one. It helps prove your intentions to marry and your fiance will love you for it. Remember, she's leaving all her friends and family and it is their last chance to congradulate her.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Sorry to hear that. Do you have an ongoing thread I can read so that I can learn what happened? Maybe you can give advise on what to do and what not to do to avoid the mess you are in?

I'm more than a bit scared of the process we must go through and do not want my poor Anh and I to be parted for more than a year from now.

Three years frankly seems criminal.

[3AD 0]

The engagement ceremony is a normal and important part of Vietnamese culture. The consular office will expect to see pictures of this at the interview.

So what do the pictures look like? Are they in wedding attire? I'm confused about the difference between dam hoi and dam cuoi. I thought the first was more informal, engagement ceremony (everyone just "dressed up", but not looking like a wedding) and the second was actually a wedding (with the expected attire and ceremony).

Anybody have insight as to the differences? Also, anybody have pictures of either or both they would care to share?

Thanks,

3AD

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Count me in as not so sure about the difference between the two.

[scy 0]

http://www.loveofasiavietnam.com/Vietnam/Wedding.asp

Basically a Vietnamese wedding consists of two parts. The first part is the "dam hoi" where the groom and his family arrives at the bride's family and ask her parents to allow her to marry him. The groom's family usually bears some traditional gifts. The bride's family then accepts these gifts and make an offering at the family's altar. Afterwards the bride's family asks the groom's family to a formal dinner.

Dam hoi is a vestige of the old days when the groom's family was required to pay a dowry to the bride's family in order to be allowed to marry the bride. In more traditional families, the groom's and bride's families meet ahead of the dam hoi and discuss the proper gifts. Like 10 of this, 5 of those, etc... Normally the gifts provided by the groom's family at the dam hoi are spread among the bride's relatives. Sort of like a bride price since after the bride marries, she no longer has any economic benefit to her family.

The formality of the ceremony depends on the family. But I would treat it just like a wedding and dress properly. Sometimes there is a requirement to dress in traditional vietnamese dress.

[woodgc 0]

I just got back from doing my engagement ceremony and for us you might as well call it a wedding. My fiancée wore the same dress ($85 my suit $125) - both hand made- she will wear for the wedding; sit down dinner for 60 with beer and wine ($675) at a nice restaurant; video taped and photographed ($100). I was asked to present jewelry to my fiancée which cost engagement ring $900 and diamond earrings and necklace $1500- Which my future mother-in-law basically picked out all of it.

I have added the costs so you can see even though we did it up very nicely it was not very expensive. The jewelry being the most costly.

I will add that my fiancée was distressed at the costs and was asking me if we should put the brakes on it to save me money and I told her not to worry it was ok. This made her family very happy and in the end she and I were thrilled at the whole thing. She has now said a simple wedding in the states is all we need to do now but I have left the option of doing a wedding in Vn as well

I will add that this was my 2ed trip and for it my mother-in-law found me a nice motel for $17/night and they did not require the 2ed room if my fiancée stayed late. My first trip was $125/ night for and two rooms so I figure the savings paid for every thing any way.

I have read that the ladies tend to be conservative with money matters and I find this very true my fiancée always is very concerned and careful about our spending. We have very open discussions about money and she always has a good thoughtful input.

The culture differences are there and in tell I did the engagement ceremony I had no true understanding how special it really is.

For those of you who have not proposed yet we all have a fixed idea about what it should be like and most of them seem to think it is a necessary part of American culture for you to be on your knees when it happens and as such it is expected. The clod I am I did not do this and when our discussion on culture expectations and differences came up this differently came up so if you want to be safe be on your knees

[orchidvn 0]

This thread is old enough to make all of you feel bored or ignore it, and i don’t know whether my reply for helping you guys to differentiate between engagement party and wedding ceremony is useful or not, but still wanna give you guys some ideas about that.

For the ones who decide to share life together, before annoucing their wedding party, they must have engagement party which is always taken place in woman’s side. It could be a small get-together of both families that families of two sides have a chance to talk to each others in person, and that is an apportunity which man’s parents will propose the girl to be his soon to be wife for their son and together discuss their children’s upcoming wedding. Actually this is just formal, because they both know that there will have no refusal in this day, they all know 100% sure girl’s family will accept (just because those both families agree to let their children come together before engagement party happened). Long time ago, engagement party is a must, and it is a very simple but warm party. Frankly speaking, engagement ceremony is a foretoken to all people of both sides that wedding will be happened very soon.

In engagement party, we don’t need to invite all guests, just some important persons of two sides only. In the old days, this party is very simple, man’s side just take few things with them only when seeing woman’s family such as: an earring, a basket which contains a bunch of areca-nut and leaves of betel, a basket of candies or cookies.

Nowadays, in order to reduce some complicated proceduces, so many couples live in Vietnam try to simplify as much as possible, some just make their wedding ceremony happen without needing engagement party. But there are some people still do their engagement ceremony simply or more famous depend on how big their budget is.

Wedding ceremory is different, it is often celebrated bigger, in a very solemn and beautiful place, and that party will be full of people, of both sides, your both families, relatives, friends and neighbors. And it is time to announce every body that you guys are now husband and wife officially.

For those couples, one is living in oversea and other is living in Vietnam, an wise advise for you all is you should hold engagement party here and take a lot of pic of you guys together with your relatives in order to show those things as proof in US consulate. If you just want to make an simple engagement party, it’s okay too, you just make one or two tables of food where parents of two sides (if the couple are full Viet) or one or two food tables for woman’s side only with the present of main man in the party if one is Caucasian.

[Anh map 2,098]

Matt, aren't you two all set? Just waiting for the visa in hand?

I'm mailing off the I-129F on Saturday, so let the games begin.

I'm heading back to VN on September 1 for a short visit. We will do the dam hoi as well. It'll mean a lot to Linh and her family, and provide some more proof for the Consulate. I will definitely be the fish out of water. But I am really looking forward to it.