wife went on vacation

[R&W 5]

I am a Filipina and I can give you some reasoning from your wife's mind:

1.) It's more fun in the Philippines, in general.

2.) I don't have the lifestyle stress here. The US life, really, is so stressful. on what:

a) I'm not washing my clothes and my baby's clothes here

b) I'm having fun with family, without thinking about what's for dinner.

c) I forgot how securing it is to speak my native language

Just thinking about coming back to US,.. is kinda stressful already. I need to think about laundry again, folding, ironing. What's for breakfast, lunch, dinner. I want to sleep... but the baby is crying. And no one to talk to. No mother to cook for my favorite "tinola" "fish stew" when I'm tired.

3.) I may be missing you, but the stress speaks louder on my brain right now.

4.) or .. I want you to come here

5.) or .... I'm playing silent game and puzzle read me ... and I want you to pursue me and court me again just like before getting married .... to let me feel I'm loved again.

[R&W 5]

I am a Filipina and I can give you some reasoning from your wife's mind:

1.) It's more fun in the Philippines, in general.

2.) I don't have the lifestyle stress here. The US life, really, is so stressful. on what:

a) I'm not washing my clothes and my baby's clothes here

b) I'm having fun with family, without thinking about what's for dinner.

c) I forgot how securing it is to speak my native language

Just thinking about coming back to US,.. is kinda stressful already. I need to think about laundry again, folding, ironing. What's for breakfast, lunch, dinner. I want to sleep... but the baby is crying. And no one to talk to. No mother to cook for my favorite "tinola" "fish stew" when I'm tired.

3.) I may be missing you, but the stress speaks louder on my brain right now.

4.) or .. I want you to come here

5.) or .... I'm playing silent game and puzzle read me ... and I want you to pursue me and court me again just like before getting married .... to let me feel I'm loved again.

I know, this sounds crazy. But it is what it is. You married a Filipina. Not all Filipina chose to put actions on their "secret" catasthropy being married to a USC. A lot of us chose to do the right things with deep copromise. Some don't.

[rlogan 2,036]

if she can't take it anymore the verbal abuse, she will not file for divorce, but she will retreat to her parents for comfort and for protection because she does not feel the love and protection anymore from her husband...

Here in the USA, a husband can't just beat or slap her wife because he will go to jail. In the Philippines women who are middle class are constantly get beaten by their husband and the husband do not go to jail because NO ONE will report it and because woman does not have equal rights in the Philippines and the laws are not being enforced even there if there is such a thing as protection for women.

Much of what you said about Filipinas not communicating their feelings I agree with. I was relentless with my wife about having her tell me exactly what her feelings were, even if at that moment she felt like she wanted a divorce and to go back to the Philippines. When she got pregnant, and after birth she went through some wild emotional swings from the hormone changes. Getting her feelings out helped a great deal. Yes, I had to break through her Filipina tendency to keep things bottled up inside her. She sees how well this works, and has become very faithful about telling me when she is feeling blue.

I think you have really identified the problem, and it is a lack of communication on the part of Filipinas who have been taught to shut up and take it. Someone who announces a decision not to return to their husband did not arrive at that decision right before the announcement. This is something she had been thinking about for a long time, but never said to her husband.

It is up to the husband to adjust and learn how to deal this kind of relationship with a typical filipina that grows up in a traditional way in the Philippines.

I convinced her how cruel it is to keep her feelings to herself - to let feelings of resentment build, and instead of being fair to the husband and telling him so that he can be understanding and work to overcome it - you conceal it and then one day you make the surprise announcement the marriage is over.

He has been given no chance at all - it comes out as vengeful, spiteful, as an enemy ambush instead of a team member helping out another team member whose behavior is a problem.

So the way we work as a team is that when she feels badly, she has to tell me so that her team-mate can get to work. Our job as a husband is to tend to her feelings. But we aren't mind-readers. We have to be told. It is your right to know as a husband, if you are sincere about wanting your wife to be happy. It is not right to keep your feelings from the guy who really wants to know about them.

You see, the moment you have decided to keep your feelings from your husband, now you are treating him like an enemy. You don't think of him as a partner and soul-mate. You start thinking "me vs. him". You start living this whole separate life inside your head. You train yourself to dodge his questions, to fake him out, and make him think everything is cool.

But everything isn't cool. The house is on fire. But you are still telling your husband nothing is wrong. If you combine this with stubborness, it is a deadly thing. Because then the girl really has made up her mind completely before bothering to tell her husband.

How many times have we Americano husbands said "what's wrong", and have the Filipina wife say "nothing"? Despite my wife's improvement, that is ALWAYS the first answer: to lie to me.

Look how unreasonable that is: To lie. The woman is certainly not thinking that when she says it. She's thinking very dark thoughts, and there could be nothing more important than her husband knowing about them. Something like "I'm going to leave you if you don't stop drinking..." Or whatever.

So we have to drag it out of you.

If you weren't so awesomely beautiful, charming, and loving otherwise then we'd give you the boot. Best women on the planet.

[Haarp425 26]

Just thinking about coming back to US,.. is kinda stressful already. I need to think about laundry again, folding, ironing. What's for breakfast, lunch, dinner. I want to sleep... but the baby is crying. And no one to talk to. No mother to cook for my favorite "tinola" "fish stew" when I'm tired.

Majority of the city girls are tend to be more modern. There are some city girls that still retains the old tradition though. However, those that live outside the city limits tend to follow the old tradition and typically not-experienced with any guy (if you know what I mean). The traditional filipina woman reserves it for their future husbands and typically marries for life. Divorce is a no no in their family as they are mostly religious. They don't sit around and let their parents cook for them. Instead they cook for their parents and for their younger brother and sisters. Any income they have is shared within the family. Washing machine, microwave oven is not typically used and they wash clothes by hand and let clothes to dry on clothes line attached to the side of their house. So doing those chores like ironing and washing is piece of cake for them here because here we have washing machine and dryer all inside the house. Everything here in the USA is automated and easy.

Typically and majority of the Filipina that came here in the USA for the first time are "home sick". Those who marry and still married today is because of their USC husband that have done their homework and understand where she came from and he adjusted himself and he slowly let his wife get used to the American way. You will know that you met a traditional Filipina because she does NOT join any gossip talking bad things about another woman. She tends to think that it her right to help the needy or feel sorry when she see someone in the street that needs help (it is because they are brought up that way where she grows up and help the needy). She will NOT demand for a nice home and will NOT do the "Keeping up with the Joneses". She will NOT ask for child support and will refuse child support if they end up divorcing for some reason.

[R&W 5]

Majority of the city girls are tend to be more modern. There are some city girls that still retains the old tradition though. However, those that live outside the city limits tend to follow the old tradition and typically not-experienced with any guy (if you know what I mean). The traditional filipina woman reserves it for their future husbands and typically marries for life. Divorce is a no no in their family as they are mostly religious. They don't sit around and let their parents cook for them. Instead they cook for their parents and for their younger brother and sisters. Any income they have is shared within the family. Washing machine, microwave oven is not typically used and they wash clothes by hand and let clothes to dry on clothes line attached to the side of their house. So doing those chores like ironing and washing is piece of cake for them here because here we have washing machine and dryer all inside the house. Everything here in the USA is automated and easy.

Typically and majority of the Filipina that came here in the USA for the first time are "home sick". Those who marry and still married today is because of their USC husband that have done their homework and understand where she came from and he adjusted himself and he slowly let his wife get used to the American way. You will know that you met a traditional Filipina because she does NOT join any gossip talking bad things about another woman. She tends to think that it her right to help the needy or feel sorry when she see someone in the street that needs help (it is because they are brought up that way where she grows up and help the needy). She will NOT demand for a nice home and will NOT do the "Keeping up with the Joneses". She will NOT ask for child support and will refuse child support if they end up divorcing for some reason.

I have seen a lot of Filipinas around here that came from provinces outside Metro Manila and are into "Joneses" and gossips. I think it really depends on the person. It's not where we are from originally.

As for mom cooking, personally my mom loves cooking for me. It's not all the time of course, usually when I'm sick or into major work/school projects. She has maids. I just mentioned the cooking thing because I really miss my mom every time I am super sick. I miss the "lugaw" home made congee and "tinola". No one on earth can cook the way she cooks those. I learned how to cook too. hehe.. but Mom's cookin's the best for every kiddo I think. My 3 year old son reminds me how a great cook I am all the time

Anyway, I hope the wife of the OP will return. Their baby deserves both parents. They need to talk with understanding.

[James and Cynthia 70]

Well, assuming you have any chance at all, here is what I would do: Go to the Philippines for an extended vacation and tell her you want to work things out and live there with her and the child. Maybe things go well and you either stay there or convince her to come back home. If you sense any problems, take the child to the airport the first chance you have and go home. Don't let anyone know your intentions.

I know this may seem mean, but we're talking about your child, a USC, and you did not give permission for the child to live in the Philippines. I would do anything to get my child back. I can't see any other way to do it. I think you could spend a lot of money on attorneys who make big promices, but most likely won't be able to do anything.

-James

[Myopia 93]

If you sense any problems, take the child to the airport the first chance you have and go home. Don't let anyone know your intentions.

-James

So you are advocating him kidnapping his child?

I hope the OP doesn't take your advice.

[James and Cynthia 70]

So you are advocating him kidnapping his child?

I hope the OP doesn't take your advice.

I don't think this is considered kidnapping when you are returning the child to its home and you never gave permission to have the child live elsewhere in the first place. I think there are PI's, legal ones, you can hire to do this too. If it's illegal, hmmmm. If it's not moral based on some people's standards, I would certainly do it for my child. See it how you think. I have kids and have no plans of living without them, even if that meant living there or bringing them back home.

Of coarse, working it out with her would be the first and best option.

If he was living there, who would have rights to the child? Would it really be considered kidnapping with him as the husband and father? Only in America. Wouldn't he be the one with the rights in the Philippines? Maybe not. It still wouldn't stop me from trying.

OP. If it's illegal, don't do it. Follow the Philippine laws and let someone else raise your child.

-James

[Myopia 93]

I don't think this is considered kidnapping when you are returning the child to its home and you never gave permission to have the child live elsewhere in the first place. I think there are PI's, legal ones, you can hire to do this too. If it's illegal, hmmmm. If it's not moral based on some people's standards, I would certainly do it for my child. See it how you think. I have kids and have no plans of living without them, even if that meant living there or bringing them back home.

Of coarse, working it out with her would be the first and best option.

If he was living there, who would have rights to the child? Would it really be considered kidnapping with him as the husband and father? Only in America. Wouldn't he be the one with the rights in the Philippines? Maybe not. It still wouldn't stop me from trying.

OP. If it's illegal, don't do it. Follow the Philippine laws and let someone else raise your child.

-James

Kidnapping was a bit harsh on my part. More a knee jerk reaction. I just wouldn't advocate taking the child without the mothers permission. That's too much. Maybe he needs to live over there.

When it comes to taking children without permission, you have to remember that there are laws that come into play. Women love grand gestures. The OP going over there is a huge one.

[ladyangel341 0]

If I were you...Go to the Philippines and don't tell them that your going.. Book a hotel near your wife's family. And first thing in the morning surprise your wife and bring flowers or chocolates and tell her "you said you sick so I'm worried^^" then she'll feel bad if she lied. If you want to have a heart to heart talk. Do it on private place that noone could hear or see. I'll prepare when you're going to sleep. I'm a filipina and there are certain issues that most americans don't understand. Thats why we prefer being quite than to have arguments. I don't believe that Filipina doesn't wanna talk because we don't have the right to talk but I, on my part, just don't want shouting. We are raise in a close knitted family. If you compare US family and Philippine family, there is a huge difference. I would say I would give my young and fruitful life to my family which most americans would say that's very retarded thing to do but if you only understand. Thats how love of our family affects us. And for now being in the US for just a year wants me to go and stay longer time in the Philippines. That might be what your wife wants to do. Think about putting yourselves in our shoes.. You might think we like USA because there are lot of stuffs that we don't have back in the Philippines but there are also important things back there that we dont have here..being home...with friends and family..we love mingling...we enjoyed being talk^^

[vbtbmrt 2]

WOW i kinda forgot i wrote this post and surprised on all the action it has brought anyway i am not going to the phils yet. but a few of her freind talked some sence into her and she has agreed to come back after holy week like around may 15 or 22 i have to redo her ticket but putting it on hold for now. but ya i still have some red flags..like she wont talk to me she said she wanted a divorce if i dont file then she will . she had measles or something before she was to fly back but before the she had some headache she said (her words ) the pain was so terrible for three days. her is something she posted on her wall

im very happy to be here in my family in tacloban specially jayden his having so much fun here no one can give us happiness as much we have here. im tired of living in misery life....u cant please everybody and just look for somenone to tell you what best for you.

i wont go to the phils till she dont come back in may and i have custody on my son then i will go there and then fly back with him i really dont want to spend time in prison in the phils. yes it would be warm all the time for me but.

yes my wife grew up in trditional way and yes i have yelled a few times and yes i didnt understand what this was doing to her and yes i have apoligized and taken all the blame am tring not to just freak out. i have another 1 1/2 month to go with the pain in my heart for my wife and son.

well i hope this has updated some of the post will be back sooner

[rlogan 2,036]

What's wrong with this picture...

For one thing it has classic Filipina-speak like the abbreviation for Philippines (Phils), the grammatical error "be back sooner" and "custody on my son" and "till she dont come back in may"; "my wife grew up in trditional way"; "updated some of the post"; the mis-spelling of he's (his). The complete lack of punctualization, capitalization, and putting numerous sentences together as one run-on - that can happen with some Americanos too, but in the context of all the other evidence this looks overwhelmingly like it was written by a Filipina.

Maybe vbtmrt would like to explain that.

[vbtbmrt 2]

Sorry dude, American dude with no grammer skills. so sue me for being less then perfect for your world.

so why do some people have to be so negative towards other people.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Sorry dude, American dude with no grammer skills. so sue me for being less then perfect for your world.

so why do some people have to be so negative towards other people.

He probably will. So be ready for a court battle.

[rlogan 2,036]

Sorry dude, American dude with no grammer skills. so sue me for being less then perfect for your world.

so why do some people have to be so negative towards other people.

So you have far better grammar when you try. It should go without saying decent grammar on a communication forum is helpful and courteous. I don't mind at all my own being corrected, so I certainly don't consider it "negative". Helpful advice is welcomed by me.

One of the ancillary reasons for that of course is to help Filipinos better communicate. In this case though it clarified a question for me that I thought important because there have been many trolls on here, and one of the ways of identifying them is their poor immitation of the language they are posing under.

So thank you for responding.