Mother in Law OR Monster in Law?

[james&olya 1,121]

Silvana, if I were you, I wouldn't bother emailing such person or even suffering because she doesn't reply to my emails. Has she ever sent you a positive message?I don't think so. And let's just say she sends you one, do you really think it would be an honest one?Again, I don't think so. So...why bothering with her?If she wants to reach out to you, she knows your email, she knows how to get in touch with you. But I don't really think she deserves to know how much it bothers you for not getting emails from her. Honestly, do you really think she is going to change?Do you really think you would be able to forgive what she had done/said to you?

My mother in low is a very kind and giving person, however there are some things that she should work on: she has a shopping addiction, a ciggaretes addiction plus I believe she is way too nice to people who don't deserve it. Of course she has all the money in the world to shop, but when it comes to visiting my family in Romania "the flights are too expensive" and "what are they gonna do there, as nobody in my family speaks English". Really?Is Romania that far from civilization?Plus she thinks that my family should visit first, ignoring the fact that they need visas, plus they don't make the same money as people make in US. Whatever. My point is, I already explained to her how is it in Romania, what do you need to travel from Romania to US as a Romanian citizen, and that English is a popular foreign language there. I am not going to bother for the second time as she is intelligent enough to understand and believe these. Plus, I hate begging people of any kind.

I agree with your advice to Silvana. This woman is narcissistic, probably with anti-social personality disorder as well. She will not change because one person is nice to her and willing to forgive. Everything will be a game and she will twist everything against you and to suit her own twisted purposes.

As to your owm MIL, maybe you should not give up so easily. It can be very intimidating to a US citizen who has never ventured outside the comfort zone of their own country to consider visiting a place like Romania! I tend to be quite adventurous in trying new things but it was still a very big deal for me when I first traveled to the FSU! Maybe if you really encourage her to travel with you and reassure her that she will always have someone near that speaks English she will find the courage to expand her horizons this way. If you succeed in getting her to travel there she will probably always be very grateful to you for what will undoubtedly be a very memorable experience!

[rlogan 2,036]

You know ...you just described my MIL, and in her defense she had a rough childhood, and i mean that, so in a way i can understand the shortcomings but in the same time that doesn't give anyone the right to behave like that.

I will give you another example how she turn things around. This is the best way to manipulate a situation:

I e-mailed her and said to her I am confused as right after i opened up comunication between hubby and her, i never heard back from her, i know she called hubby but i felt left out, as i was also expecting an e-mail from her(it was the kind of e-mail that you are waiting for people to respond) THEN she sends me this(2 and a half weeks later)and i quote:" I'm also confused why your confused that a mother would call her son??? without talking with you first....

So....any normal human beeing would see what i ment, WHEN have i mentioned about e-mailing me first???or that i am confused why she called hubby??? ALL i said was that i was confused why she didn't respond to my e-mail as well, especially that I asked hubby to talk to her(and she knows that)

Every time she is cornered or I catch her lying(because she never lies, by the way)she either turns things so i look like the bad guy, or she says she gives up even if she would have a lot to say on the subject...OR she blames it on the culture thing...

You suffer from a personality defect just like me. We can't let this go. We keep going over it in our minds, we keep trying to change them. We keep stepping in front of the bus and getting flattened every time, expecting different results each time.

Dr. George Simon wrote a very good book called "In Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Read it.

The big surprise for me in all these books was that it was ME who had the problem needing to be fixed. There is nothing I can do about them. The only thing I can change is ME. So I had to train myself to both accept I had to cut certain people out of my life, and the ones I had to deal with I had to do so more effectively using the techniques in the books. Boy do they work.

Dr. Simon talks about how very successful businessmen, PhD's, great athletes, etc. tear themselves apart and have nervous breakdowns doing it the wrong way: obsessing over how they can change the other person or trying to figure them out. I see it in you. I did it too.

You aren't going to change this until you accept that you have a problem. Work on your problem. It isn't a "bad" character defect. It is a weakness. You just cannot let this go.

Get the books hon - you need help. Just like I did. It changed my life.

[silvana.toma 15]

You suffer from a personality defect just like me. We can't let this go. We keep going over it in our minds, we keep trying to change them. We keep stepping in front of the bus and getting flattened every time, expecting different results each time.

Dr. George Simon wrote a very good book called "In Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Read it.

The big surprise for me in all these books was that it was ME who had the problem needing to be fixed. There is nothing I can do about them. The only thing I can change is ME. So I had to train myself to both accept I had to cut certain people out of my life, and the ones I had to deal with I had to do so more effectively using the techniques in the books. Boy do they work.

Dr. Simon talks about how very successful businessmen, PhD's, great athletes, etc. tear themselves apart and have nervous breakdowns doing it the wrong way: obsessing over how they can change the other person or trying to figure them out. I see it in you. I did it too.

You aren't going to change this until you accept that you have a problem. Work on your problem. It isn't a "bad" character defect. It is a weakness. You just cannot let this go.

Get the books hon - you need help. Just like I did. It changed my life.

ha...it's very interesting what you said, and maybe you are right. Sometimes i do feel like i need some profesional help(as she drives me insane, she has a very unique way of pissing me off, and then wondering why i got pissed off, or twisting what i say to make me look bad, etc etc etc etc etc), and you might be right in saying the problem is ME.

I will look for the book next time I'm at barnes and nobles, because I have a feeling i will probably need it.

Now i will have to meet with her, as we "started talking" again, so maybe that book and the other one"nasty people" can help me understand and deal with her, and in the same time help me help myself.

Ill keep you posted and let you know what happenes.

Tx for the advice!

Quick question..do you live in alaska? I saw your local office is anchorage. I have been in many places in alaska, and it's my NR.1 favorite place in the world.

Edited February 25, 2011 by silvana.toma

[rlogan 2,036]

I will look for the book next time I'm at barnes and nobles, because I have a feeling i will probably need it.

I promise you: these books will be a godsend for you. Nasty People is an ebook. A quick read. In Sheeps Clothing can be ordered paperback on Amazon.

Quick question..do you live in alaska? I saw your local office is anchorage. I have been in many places in alaska, and it's my NR.1 favorite place in the world.

Yup. Live in a log cabin in the forest of Interior Alaska. Supercub pilot. Wilderness nut. Hunt, fish, yadda yadda.

Went over to the Filipines and got the smokin' hot little unit to make cabin life a little more comfy.

[juliava 80]

I agree with your advice to Silvana. This woman is narcissistic, probably with anti-social personality disorder as well. She will not change because one person is nice to her and willing to forgive. Everything will be a game and she will twist everything against you and to suit her own twisted purposes.

As to your owm MIL, maybe you should not give up so easily. It can be very intimidating to a US citizen who has never ventured outside the comfort zone of their own country to consider visiting a place like Romania! I tend to be quite adventurous in trying new things but it was still a very big deal for me when I first traveled to the FSU! Maybe if you really encourage her to travel with you and reassure her that she will always have someone near that speaks English she will find the courage to expand her horizons this way. If you succeed in getting her to travel there she will probably always be very grateful to you for what will undoubtedly be a very memorable experience!

James&Olya, I like what you said above. I really explained to her how things are in Romania from day 1 and she still doesn't get it. Unfortunately the best way for her to find out is to really give it a shot or at least try to show interest, at least be positive and just say "I would love to go". I don't hear that at all, the only thing I hear is silence or negativity when I talk about it. That's why I prefer to stop this and move on. My husband is going to visit Romania with me this summer and I really hope that his experience there would indirectly make her regret what she currently keeps in her head about my country.

[james&olya 1,121]

James&Olya, I like what you said above. I really explained to her how things are in Romania from day 1 and she still doesn't get it. Unfortunately the best way for her to find out is to really give it a shot or at least try to show interest, at least be positive and just say "I would love to go". I don't hear that at all, the only thing I hear is silence or negativity when I talk about it. That's why I prefer to stop this and move on. My husband is going to visit Romania with me this summer and I really hope that his experience there would indirectly make her regret what she currently keeps in her head about my country.

It is her loss! Maybe in time she will warm to the idea. I consider my trips to Russia and Ukraine the best use of my time and money. I will never forget those experiences and I encourage everyone I meet to try and visit there someday if they can. It is so much better to be able to do this when you have a personal connection to help you navigate the language and cultural differences. She is missing a wonderful opportunity!

[TracyTN 237]

All I'm saying is don't ever be the reason he doesn't see or visit her. If it's his choice, then fine.

I think this is the main point to keep in mind. I loathe any and all contact with my MIL but I will never tell my husband (or daughter) that they can't contact her or have her come visit, etc. Even if that means personal hell for me. I'll shut myself in a room and deal somehow. LOL

But the way hubby's family is anymore, it wouldn't surprise me if she ended up alienating herself from my husband on her own.

[silvana.toma 15]

I think this is the main point to keep in mind. I loathe any and all contact with my MIL but I will never tell my husband (or daughter) that they can't contact her or have her come visit, etc. Even if that means personal hell for me. I'll shut myself in a room and deal somehow. LOL

But the way hubby's family is anymore, it wouldn't surprise me if she ended up alienating herself from my husband on her own.

Well..as i said earlier that is not my case. That is so silly, and only a very frustrated and insecure person would do that. MY hubby refuses to talk to her, and I am the one trying to get him to forgive her. I quit trying, as i can not force anyone into anything they don't want to do. He has his reasons why he doesn't want to hear from her, and i understand him, and respect his decision.

We are a lost case, but for those girls out there that "have to get along with their MIL"and their MIL are just B##...i would advice them NEVER to take any ####### from anyone, no matter who they are.

I am sorry for those girls that have to stand the bad behaviour of the MIL just because their husbands are so close to their mothers.

A good husband would always be on your side, especially if he sees how you are treated. If he knows and doesn't do anything to defend you then you have 2 choices:you either change yout attitude(show her you are not a doormat)or you change your husband.

My mom was "that girl", all her life was put down, and treated badly by her MIl, had hundreds of arguments with my dad because my dad would always be on his mother's side...i have been there ...seen that, and i never want to be my mom.

[rlogan 2,036]

My mom was "that girl", all her life was put down, and treated badly by her MIl, had hundreds of arguments with my dad because my dad would always be on his mother's side...i have been there ...seen that, and i never want to be my mom.

One of the things you learn from the books I recommended is how these behaviors are passed from generation to generation. You don't want to be your mom, but you were being your mom - continuing to attempt "fixing" things with the MIL when even your husband simply walked away from her.

The majority of the population is not like us. What you are going to find is that it affects much more of your life than you think. These antisocial personality types are in fast-food service jobs, in state drivers' license departments, in the grocery store line next to you, on internet discussion boards - and they're specifically targeting you because of your personality. Their main motivation in life is to get under your skin. If they can turn your smile into a scowl, or get you angry, make you sad - that is a victory for them.

Once you learn to identify these people and what their motivations are, it will free you from the power they have over your emotions.

[TracyTN 237]

Well..as i said earlier that is not my case. That is so silly, and only a very frustrated and insecure person would do that. MY hubby refuses to talk to her, and I am the one trying to get him to forgive her. I quit trying, as i can not force anyone into anything they don't want to do. He has his reasons why he doesn't want to hear from her, and i understand him, and respect his decision.

We are a lost case, but for those girls out there that "have to get along with their MIL"and their MIL are just B##...i would advice them NEVER to take any ####### from anyone, no matter who they are.

I am sorry for those girls that have to stand the bad behaviour of the MIL just because their husbands are so close to their mothers.

A good husband would always be on your side, especially if he sees how you are treated. If he knows and doesn't do anything to defend you then you have 2 choices:you either change yout attitude(show her you are not a doormat)or you change your husband.

My mom was "that girl", all her life was put down, and treated badly by her MIl, had hundreds of arguments with my dad because my dad would always be on his mother's side...i have been there ...seen that, and i never want to be my mom.

Oh yeah, I knew that you weren't doing that - I was just reiterating RebeccaJo's excellent point.

I really try not to take BS from my MIL but at the same time, I am not huge on dealing with someone who isn't really my problem, LOL. Which is why I let hubby deal with her ####### most of the time. I'd rather that than she and I have really ugly words to one another. She can fight with him and they end it still loving each other; but if I were to do that, she'd just write me off and that would make our lives miserable going forward.

[silvana.toma 15]

Oh yeah, I knew that you weren't doing that - I was just reiterating RebeccaJo's excellent point.

I really try not to take BS from my MIL but at the same time, I am not huge on dealing with someone who isn't really my problem, LOL. Which is why I let hubby deal with her ####### most of the time. I'd rather that than she and I have really ugly words to one another. She can fight with him and they end it still loving each other; but if I were to do that, she'd just write me off and that would make our lives miserable going forward.

I ordered the books on amazon, i hope i get them soon!

I am not a huge fan of the power of positive thinking, but i tell you ..i always said that with my luck chances are i will find s super nice guy with a super nasty MIL. WEll...not sure if it's the power of your thoughts, but that worked...maybe i should try thinking about winning the lotery

[silvana.toma 15]

You know ...right when i thought things are the way they supose to be, last night my husband drops "the bomb" on me. I was planing on going to one of the comunity colleges to do the rn program, so i researched everything there is to know about this school, it's very inexpensive, so everything was awsome, until my husband came home yesterday.

He came home and he said to me his mother called him and told him it's better if i don't go to this school, as i will either fail or have a very hard time in school. That is because she went to the same school same program, and she is friends with the big important people from the rn program, and she told them about me. (you can only imagine what she said to them)so now if i apply they will recognize me and will not look at me with preety eyes.

She said to hubby she is sorry but it's too late to change anything, and that now i will take this in a bad way, no matter what she sais, as it will still look bad on her...

What i want to know is why would she not e-mail me straight and tell me this? Why play the cordless phone?

My mind went blank last night when i heard that, as i am not a AAAA++++ student to be so confident to say: hell with that i'm doing it my way! i believe she is capable of many things so i will not play silly and even atempt this.

there are two more colleges that have the RN, one is a real collage, and obviously is more expensive, and the other one is kind of far.

In a way..i can understand bad mouthing, i do, everyone does it once in a while, but i'm still pissed off, is it normal?

Is she just playing me? Chances are she told the world about me, i'm surprised you guys talk to me.

[juliava 80]

You know ...right when i thought things are the way they supose to be, last night my husband drops "the bomb" on me. I was planing on going to one of the comunity colleges to do the rn program, so i researched everything there is to know about this school, it's very inexpensive, so everything was awsome, until my husband came home yesterday.

He came home and he said to me his mother called him and told him it's better if i don't go to this school, as i will either fail or have a very hard time in school. That is because she went to the same school same program, and she is friends with the big important people from the rn program, and she told them about me. (you can only imagine what she said to them)so now if i apply they will recognize me and will not look at me with preety eyes.

She said to hubby she is sorry but it's too late to change anything, and that now i will take this in a bad way, no matter what she sais, as it will still look bad on her...

What i want to know is why would she not e-mail me straight and tell me this? Why play the cordless phone?

My mind went blank last night when i heard that, as i am not a AAAA++++ student to be so confident to say: hell with that i'm doing it my way! i believe she is capable of many things so i will not play silly and even atempt this.

there are two more colleges that have the RN, one is a real collage, and obviously is more expensive, and the other one is kind of far.

In a way..i can understand bad mouthing, i do, everyone does it once in a while, but i'm still pissed off, is it normal?

Is she just playing me? Chances are she told the world about me, i'm surprised you guys talk to me.

You see, if I were you, I wouldn't even share my personal plans/dreams with such person. Maybe it's better to not keep her updated anymore, as it looks like she is dying to know what you are doing just to be in control, not that she cares.

Edited March 3, 2011 by juliava

[silvana.toma 15]

You see, if I were you, I wouldn't even share my personal plans/dreams with such person. Maybe it's better to not keep her updated anymore, as it looks like she is dying to know what you are doing just to be in control, not that she cares.

I told her as deep down i was hoping she can give some advice...help me in some way, but i guess i was wrong. She told my hubby she can help me with any other school if i like, just not to apply to this one.

I'm debating to go to a proper college anyway ...so maybe that is just a sign for me to do it!

[DeltaAlpha 0]

ok, got it!

My husband is the USC, and my parents don't speak english, but they love and respect eachother very much!

My parents-in-law are great. I have never thought I can have a better mother-in-law and I have no pb making it public. If she wasn't great I woudl have made that public also.

Thet cook for us, they help us out when we need, she alwasy buys something new for me and she proofreads all my papers for school. My FIL is alse very familly oriented, he did not have a dad and maybe that explains something. he is actually Italian. he never lets us buy anything when we go out. we visit very often(we live like 5 min from eachother) and we plan to move even closer(to build a house on a land that they plan to donate to us)

and they love Romania, they want to go back but I don't know if my green card will be ready in time and I don't trust that receipt..so we may not be able to go this year.

I hope you will get your statistics finished and be happy with your results. good luck.