Mother in Law OR Monster in Law?

[TracyTN 237]

Bottom line - you can't change people, especially if they are toxic. All you can do is protect your sanity by being around them as little as possible. And reserve the right to pick up your car keys and leave if you are about to let your tongue get in the way of your dignity.

This is why I plan not to take ANY extra time off next time MIL visits. It'd be better for all of us, trust me.

[silvana.toma 15]

Yes, My MIL sounds just like that, i would say a bit worse. She is so manipulative to the point that she can convince anyone the sky is red. You are right ...you can not reason with such people.

I will give you an example of what she told me lately on an e-mail. She said that ever since her son started dating me he started lying to her, as her son never lied to her, ever,and he changed for the worst. I did not respond to that one,BUT i would have loved to ask her if she had a lie detector at the entrance door, to know that her boy never lied to her. I know we all want to believe that the lov ed ones never lied to us, but to make this a solid argument and blame someone for the effect is just crazy to me. That is the most stupid thing you can say: X never lied to me...are you serious?

I told her i did not appreciate her trying to push my hubby to meet with his ex(while i was in romania, and right after we have barried the hatchet again), when they haven't seen eachother in over 10 years, and broke up in bad terms. what was the point? She answered and told me must be a culture thing..as she loved a couple of my hubby's ex's(hubby said she hated them all), and there is nothing wrong if my hubby is friends with his ex's. Sure it's nothing wrong if HE decided to do that..not you trying desperate to hook up your son with his ex hoping he will break up with me...

I will try to find the book, and read it, as sometimes i feel only profesional help would be able to shed some light here.

We suposed to meet with her on friday, but my hubby and I decided to cancel. Long story short...we haven't talked to her for almost a year, my hubby is extremly upset with her, but she is trying very hard to reach out to my husband, and as i felt sorry for her, i decided to e-mail her and try for the last time to make amends ...she responded in her way of course 99% of the e-mnail blaming me for everything bad in this world, and 1% how she also wants to make amends...long story short is i told her what has happened in the past year since she hasn't heard from us...like we got married, bought a dog etc..2 days later she calls my hubby congratulates him, etc...and what did i get? silence...Once she noticed that i opened up the door to her son, she just ignored me. So i said i am not playing her stupid little game anymore, so i told my hubby i am not going anywhere with her until she responds my e-mail, as i have been on this path toooooo many times.

For those of you who have normal people as your in-laws...appreciate them as much as you can, and sometimes when they seem a bit anoying try to understand them, as this world is full of bad people, and you are soo lucky to have landed in a good family.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

The next time you have a date with Mom, just let your husband go to the meeting, and you go buy shoes or something.

Seriously though - she's his Mother after all, even if she's not a very nice person. Don't ever get yourself into the position where you are legitimately guilty of keeping mother and son apart. It can cause you all manner of guilt down the road.

[TracyTN 237]

Agreed. I loathe MIL visits like grim death, but I would never tell hubby that she can't (or shouldn't) come. Or that he can't go visit her so long as we have the $$. He only has one mother, and despite her being awful to me, she's still his mom.

PS Have I mentioned that she's joined Facebook, added hubby and a few other folks as friends but NOT ME? Message SO received...

[silvana.toma 15]

The next time you have a date with Mom, just let your husband go to the meeting, and you go buy shoes or something.

Seriously though - she's his Mother after all, even if she's not a very nice person. Don't ever get yourself into the position where you are legitimately guilty of keeping mother and son apart. It can cause you all manner of guilt down the road.

Actually I am not doing that at all, my husband didn't even wanted to hear about her. He knows what a big pain she is, and he wants to stay away from her. I was the one to try to get him to forgive her, because even if i am not a mother yet, i love my mom, and i understand his mom, they just want the best for their children even though they are not showing it the right way.

[silvana.toma 15]

Agreed. I loathe MIL visits like grim death, but I would never tell hubby that she can't (or shouldn't) come. Or that he can't go visit her so long as we have the $$. He only has one mother, and despite her being awful to me, she's still his mom.

PS Have I mentioned that she's joined Facebook, added hubby and a few other folks as friends but NOT ME? Message SO received...

thing is ...it all depends of the kind of mother in law she is.....if she is just anoying, and doesn't like me...I could live with that, obviously we would not be BFF's, i would just ignore her for the most part and let hubby deal with her; but when you are confrunting yourself with a very extreme manipulative person ..things get complicated.

She knows exectlley how to drive you insane. For instance, we were all in a restaurant (the night before she told me in a "nice way that i come from a 3rd worl country full of pedofiles, and etc etc etc..i don' want to bore you with really nasty details...all this was happening when we were having a"girly time")and she starts criticizing my parents for not speaking english. I am the only child, and i love my parents toooo much, so when she started talking like that,i raised my voice at her(i was pissed from the night before so this was just the last drop in the bucket). She started crying, and started behaving like i was trying to poison her or something. So she looked at hubby hoping hubby will tell me something, but hubby wsa on my side...and that's when her hate towards me grew bigger....as she can never forget how i raised my voice at her.

I bet if i would start telling you few more examples from the palmares of examples you would look at your MIL's and think they are saints!

[J&N* 68]

My mother in law and I have a great relationship, we go shopping, go eating, go to movies and almost everywhere together. She's very young and so sweet to be around. If I'd married an Egyptian guy, it'd have been worse, MILs there are horrible.

My USC husband also gets around great with my mother, he speaks some Arabic and she speaks some English, but just one hug says it all. I thank God for that. When I first started dating him, my parents didn't approve, and his parents were paranoid.

Edited February 23, 2011 by Junita

[rlogan 2,036]

She knows exectlley how to drive you insane.

Yes. For two reasons.

First, the literature says they learn this by example in childhood. She had an abusive, manipulative person in her household. Once you start down that path then you pick up a lifetime of experience doing it yourself and watching other experts outside the home, adding their tactics to your arsenal.

They go through what is called the "evaluation phase" with everyone they meet, including you. They try out different tactics and watch your reaction. If one tactic doesn't work, they move on to another tactic. If something works on you they will play it again and again and again.

They are more like machines than people. It is extremely difficult to deal with them because they are unreasonable, highly skilled, merciless, and will stop at nothing to "win".

For people with a conscience, like you, they will prey on that conscientiousness and use it against you. Despite what monsters they are you will feel sorry for them and give them yet more opportunities to poop on your head. They'll cry to gain your sympathy or feign hurt - but it is all an act to manipulate you. If they really had a conscience themselves they would feel bad about their behavior and stop it.

Yes you are also right that you have to read the professional literature if you really want to understand this. It gnaws at people like you and me, and we really want to know why they do it.

Other people seem to have the ability to cut them out of their lives and not worry about it.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Actually I am not doing that at all, my husband didn't even wanted to hear about her. He knows what a big pain she is, and he wants to stay away from her. I was the one to try to get him to forgive her, because even if i am not a mother yet, i love my mom, and i understand his mom, they just want the best for their children even though they are not showing it the right way.

All I'm saying is don't ever be the reason he doesn't see or visit her. If it's his choice, then fine.

[james&olya 1,121]

Yes. For two reasons.

First, the literature says they learn this by example in childhood. She had an abusive, manipulative person in her household. Once you start down that path then you pick up a lifetime of experience doing it yourself and watching other experts outside the home, adding their tactics to your arsenal.

They go through what is called the "evaluation phase" with everyone they meet, including you. They try out different tactics and watch your reaction. If one tactic doesn't work, they move on to another tactic. If something works on you they will play it again and again and again.

They are more like machines than people. It is extremely difficult to deal with them because they are unreasonable, highly skilled, merciless, and will stop at nothing to "win".

For people with a conscience, like you, they will prey on that conscientiousness and use it against you. Despite what monsters they are you will feel sorry for them and give them yet more opportunities to poop on your head. They'll cry to gain your sympathy or feign hurt - but it is all an act to manipulate you. If they really had a conscience themselves they would feel bad about their behavior and stop it.

Yes you are also right that you have to read the professional literature if you really want to understand this. It gnaws at people like you and me, and we really want to know why they do it.

Other people seem to have the ability to cut them out of their lives and not worry about it.

You are describing my xw in detail!! I feel sorry already for my 2 sons' future wives!!

[silvana.toma 15]

Yes. For two reasons.

First, the literature says they learn this by example in childhood. She had an abusive, manipulative person in her household. Once you start down that path then you pick up a lifetime of experience doing it yourself and watching other experts outside the home, adding their tactics to your arsenal.

They go through what is called the "evaluation phase" with everyone they meet, including you. They try out different tactics and watch your reaction. If one tactic doesn't work, they move on to another tactic. If something works on you they will play it again and again and again.

They are more like machines than people. It is extremely difficult to deal with them because they are unreasonable, highly skilled, merciless, and will stop at nothing to "win".

For people with a conscience, like you, they will prey on that conscientiousness and use it against you. Despite what monsters they are you will feel sorry for them and give them yet more opportunities to poop on your head. They'll cry to gain your sympathy or feign hurt - but it is all an act to manipulate you. If they really had a conscience themselves they would feel bad about their behavior and stop it.

Yes you are also right that you have to read the professional literature if you really want to understand this. It gnaws at people like you and me, and we really want to know why they do it.

Other people seem to have the ability to cut them out of their lives and not worry about it.

You know ...you just described my MIL, and in her defense she had a rough childhood, and i mean that, so in a way i can understand the shortcomings but in the same time that doesn't give anyone the right to behave like that.

I will give you another example how she turn things around. This is the best way to manipulate a situation:

I e-mailed her and said to her I am confused as right after i opened up comunication between hubby and her, i never heard back from her, i know she called hubby but i felt left out, as i was also expecting an e-mail from her(it was the kind of e-mail that you are waiting for people to respond) THEN she sends me this(2 and a half weeks later)and i quote:" I'm also confused why your confused that a mother would call her son??? without talking with you first....

So....any normal human beeing would see what i ment, WHEN have i mentioned about e-mailing me first???or that i am confused why she called hubby??? ALL i said was that i was confused why she didn't respond to my e-mail as well, especially that I asked hubby to talk to her(and she knows that)

Every time she is cornered or I catch her lying(because she never lies, by the way)she either turns things so i look like the bad guy, or she says she gives up even if she would have a lot to say on the subject...OR she blames it on the culture thing...

[Nina~ 431]

You know ...you just described my MIL, and in her defense she had a rough childhood, and i mean that, so in a way i can understand the shortcomings but in the same time that doesn't give anyone the right to behave like that.

I will give you another example how she turn things around. This is the best way to manipulate a situation:

I e-mailed her and said to her I am confused as right after i opened up comunication between hubby and her, i never heard back from her, i know she called hubby but i felt left out, as i was also expecting an e-mail from her(it was the kind of e-mail that you are waiting for people to respond) THEN she sends me this(2 and a half weeks later)and i quote:" I'm also confused why your confused that a mother would call her son??? without talking with you first....

So....any normal human beeing would see what i ment, WHEN have i mentioned about e-mailing me first???or that i am confused why she called hubby??? ALL i said was that i was confused why she didn't respond to my e-mail as well, especially that I asked hubby to talk to her(and she knows that)

Every time she is cornered or I catch her lying(because she never lies, by the way)she either turns things so i look like the bad guy, or she says she gives up even if she would have a lot to say on the subject...OR she blames it on the culture thing...

I really don't think it is in your place to bridge the communication gap between your husband and his mother. Your husband has known this woman all his life, and if he doesn't want to talk to her then you have to trust him on this. You really can't force or manipulate a relationship between 2 people. You can encourage and advise your husband to forgive his mom, but emailing her behind his back is just going to emasculate him. He is a grown man, and you will just have to trust his decision. You can call him out in private if he does something that you think is wrong, but doing anything more than that is overstepping your boundaries. Just my $.02.

[james&olya 1,121]

I really don't think it is in your place to bridge the communication gap between your husband and his mother. Your husband has known this woman all his life, and if he doesn't want to talk to her then you have to trust him on this. You really can't force or manipulate a relationship between 2 people. You can encourage and advise your husband to forgive his mom, but emailing her behind his back is just going to emasculate him. He is a grown man, and you will just have to trust his decision. You can call him out in private if he does something that you think is wrong, but doing anything more than that is overstepping your boundaries. Just my $.02.

I know exactly what you are talking about but from a little different perspective. You are completely right on this, I think. My sons have just such a mother, my ex. The older chose to live with me. Since then his mother has refused to speak with him for over 3 years and even tried to get him in trouble with law enforcement over trumped up charges. Initially I tried to encourage him to learn to forgive his mother but then was told by a child psychologist that I should NOT be doing this. He needs to decide when and if he is ever ready to allow her back into his life. Sometimes it is healthiest to maintain some significant emotional distance from such severely toxic persons! I am happy to say that he seems to be maturing into a wise and emotionally healthy adult now. I will be advising any future potential daughters-in-law that maybe they don't want to subject themselves and him to unnecessary drama by trying to push a rapprochement between him and his mother before he decides he is ready.

[silvana.toma 15]

I really don't think it is in your place to bridge the communication gap between your husband and his mother. Your husband has known this woman all his life, and if he doesn't want to talk to her then you have to trust him on this. You really can't force or manipulate a relationship between 2 people. You can encourage and advise your husband to forgive his mom, but emailing her behind his back is just going to emasculate him. He is a grown man, and you will just have to trust his decision. You can call him out in private if he does something that you think is wrong, but doing anything more than that is overstepping your boundaries. Just my $.02.

No, i haven't done that behind his back...that would be very stupid of me. He knew, and he allowed me to do it. And as i love my parents so much, i figured it's only normal for him to forgive his mother. We can not live holding grudges...where will that bring us?

I would love to get along with my MIL, as we play for the same team, and it really makes me upset to see that for me that might remain only a dream.

I believe in the unity of the family, as i come from a country where we take care of our elderly(family) and we are very close to eachother. So when she came crying to my hubby's work, it broke my heart,because i know she loves him. So i figured this would be a good time for me to show her that contrary to what she thinks i always wanted to unite her family and not break it apart...and this way hubby will forgive her, she will see me for what i am(and not for who she thinks i am)and we will all live happily ever after.

WE will see if this time things will turn out for the best, if we meet, and she brings her old weapons on the table then at least i know i have tried everything in my power to make this work.

[juliava 80]

Silvana, if I were you, I wouldn't bother emailing such person or even suffering because she doesn't reply to my emails. Has she ever sent you a positive message?I don't think so. And let's just say she sends you one, do you really think it would be an honest one?Again, I don't think so. So...why bothering with her?If she wants to reach out to you, she knows your email, she knows how to get in touch with you. But I don't really think she deserves to know how much it bothers you for not getting emails from her. Honestly, do you really think she is going to change?Do you really think you would be able to forgive what she had done/said to you?

My mother in low is a very kind and giving person, however there are some things that she should work on: she has a shopping addiction, a ciggaretes addiction plus I believe she is way too nice to people who don't deserve it. Of course she has all the money in the world to shop, but when it comes to visiting my family in Romania "the flights are too expensive" and "what are they gonna do there, as nobody in my family speaks English". Really?Is Romania that far from civilization?Plus she thinks that my family should visit first, ignoring the fact that they need visas, plus they don't make the same money as people make in US. Whatever. My point is, I already explained to her how is it in Romania, what do you need to travel from Romania to US as a Romanian citizen, and that English is a popular foreign language there. I am not going to bother for the second time as she is intelligent enough to understand and believe these. Plus, I hate begging people of any kind.

Edited February 25, 2011 by juliava