Divorce-Sad story

[clueless_in_usa 8]

I think your post was a little bit rude.

I will answer you to some things you sayed.

"This woman is exceptionally insecure, and her actions and behavior and attempts to CONTROL the man have driven him further away."

Wich part says i want to control him?I am not the jealous tipe of person,if i woulded be like that i would saw the photos of his ex in his cellphone before to get married and not after.I never looked through his cellphone.

I tryed to excuse him in every possible way,and as peoaple are saying,let's say how you will excuse the fact that when i text his ex gf to sto sending him messages,rather the saying they are just friends,she start to be rude and say very bad things.

"SHE wanted a big, fancy reception, and spent beyond her means to have what SHE wanted, and now she wants a refund from him"?

You haven't read my posts...i never asked for a big fancy wedding,and as i say we had an agreement whit my fatherinlaw.

I am saying again i don't want the house,or car,i feel that i have been played by him,and what is so crazy to ask my money back?

And about your last comment of how did i saved so much money,im working since i was 17,and yes i was working like a housekeeper too...i am 27....and i mention those were my savings.

He sayed he will pay for my school,but when i got here was telling me to stop follow my dream and do a normal job.

Someone sad:

CONTROL is a heavy word in your case, and probably should not have been used. But try not to get hung up on the negativity of ONE thing and look at the positives that were said (by all) instead.

1) Try not to deal with lawyer(s) unless it is absolutely necessary. Otherwise, they will take every financial resource that is left and you will be left with a bigger heart ache.

2) Try to negotiate an amicable settlement that is approved by the judge during divorce proceedings. That is probably the most you are going to be able to recoup of your money.

3) The best way to enforce any judgment will be to come back to USA and process the divorce here.

Now my own advice:

1) You are 27 years old. Even without education, you may still come back to the USA, process the above, support yourself, and find a way to put yourself through college. It will take longer and it will be tough, but you have already been successful (in your country) in the past, so you can certainly achieve what you want

2) You are concentrating too much on what you don't have. SNAP out of it. Concentrate on all the good things you have, move on, and make the proper plan for a better future for yourself

3) You are heartbroken and it is difficult to forgive and forget, but you need to do so before you can take full control of your life and achieve all the good things you want for yourself

4) Don't ever think of going back with this guy. Once he sees what he has lost (after you move on), he may want you back. There are better fish in the sea. You'll find the right man for you in the future, but first dedicate yourself to achieving your education dream

Everything will turn out the right way if you manage to pull yourself together and live your future with a more positive attitude ... without asking "why you?"

The sooner you start your life on the right path, the sooner you will get to the finish line. Don't wait one more day! Don't waste any more time thinking why (the past)! Start moving forward again, and remember to take care of those annoying legal hurdles as soon as possible.

[sara..... 371]

I have read some of the post but not all of them...........

Im sorry for what has happened to you......but think very carefully....does he have the ability to pay you back? If not it is healthier mentally and emotionally to just move...

if he does have the ability to do so and is going to turn it into a long legal process is that healthy for you?

It could tie you to him for a long time is that what you really want for yourself?

I know that money is not easy to come by but is it worth what your going thru?

do what you have to do for yourself and put him and any revenge thoughts out of your mind first if he is that low of a man there is nothing you can do that is going to make him feel as bad as you do right now.....sometimes in life getting what is rightfully yours is not worth what you have to go thru to try to get it..

try to be happy and thank what ever higher power you believe in that you got out before things got worse.....love is not suppose to hurt!

I am adding you to my prayers

sara

[Someone Sad 14]

Mmmmm... well, naked pics may be a different story... She never said they were naked pics.

...but at the same time, me, personally, I would laugh about it and tease my man

That girl was a dancer so the photos in the cellphone,was whit her dancing outfitt.

And yes the photo i found in our bedroom it was whit her in her bikini. It is not funny.

And i don't think he keeped them like a suvenir neither,the girl now has 100 pounds more then she was 4 years ago.

[Someone Sad 14]

Someone Sad,

what is that special education you want to get? May be someone here can advise you on the best/most affordable option.

Let's forget about the emotional part... you want to go to school. You can do it by remaining in the US by preserving your immigration status (what is it? Do you have a conditional green card?) or by returning back home and obtaining an F-1 visa.

Either way, you should start by finding the educational institution you want to attend and finding their requirements for admittance/ payment options.

Once you know which school you want to go to, you will know how much money you need for it. Then you could deal with your divorce/immigration.

Divorce is easiest if amicable. If you two agree on the terms of divorce, it can be quick and cheap. There is no need to prove his fault to a divorce judge. If you have a conditional GC there is no need to prove his fault to immigration either.

I wanted to study 2 things.The first one i need least one year of experience and observation,and that thing can be done only in Usa.The second one i wanted to take some courses for medical interpreter.

I have a conditional Gc,i got it 2 months ago.What is a F1 visa?

I already found all that and also a job that in the same time whit the studies will help me a lot to gein experience.

Right now im trying to not think of the divorce,least till i get back and concetrate on studying,or else im going crazy.I still love him.His relatives are not agreeing whit what he has done,but they are not getting involved.His parents treated me very nice,they tryed to talk whit him,but he keep saying that i am not allowing him to have her family like friends.

[Someone Sad 14]

Someone sad:

CONTROL is a heavy word in your case, and probably should not have been used. But try not to get hung up on the negativity of ONE thing and look at the positives that were said (by all) instead.

1) Try not to deal with lawyer(s) unless it is absolutely necessary. Otherwise, they will take every financial resource that is left and you will be left with a bigger heart ache.

2) Try to negotiate an amicable settlement that is approved by the judge during divorce proceedings. That is probably the most you are going to be able to recoup of your money.

3) The best way to enforce any judgment will be to come back to USA and process the divorce here.

Now my own advice:

1) You are 27 years old. Even without education, you may still come back to the USA, process the above, support yourself, and find a way to put yourself through college. It will take longer and it will be tough, but you have already been successful (in your country) in the past, so you can certainly achieve what you want

2) You are concentrating too much on what you don't have. SNAP out of it. Concentrate on all the good things you have, move on, and make the proper plan for a better future for yourself

3) You are heartbroken and it is difficult to forgive and forget, but you need to do so before you can take full control of your life and achieve all the good things you want for yourself

4) Don't ever think of going back with this guy. Once he sees what he has lost (after you move on), he may want you back. There are better fish in the sea. You'll find the right man for you in the future, but first dedicate yourself to achieving your education dream

Everything will turn out the right way if you manage to pull yourself together and live your future with a more positive attitude ... without asking "why you?"

The sooner you start your life on the right path, the sooner you will get to the finish line. Don't wait one more day! Don't waste any more time thinking why (the past)! Start moving forward again, and remember to take care of those annoying legal hurdles as soon as possible.

Thank you so much for your words.

1.The thing is that i wasn't leaving in my country,i was already an immingrant and start from 0 somewere else.It took me years to be a little bit better economical and have a better job there.I can say i was ok,the only thing missing was love(unfortunly in some countrys in europe if your are immigrant mans are not seeing you seriosly).I tryed to discuss whit him and tryed to convince him to move whit me,but he has a college,and a better job,and we decided is better that i move to Usa and not him coming in Europe.I learned to be economical independent and beeing in Usa,not working and depend on my husband was very hard for me.

4.I still love him,and i need a lot of strainght to go through divorce.I wish he could be more man,and understand that i was very patience but too many things happened that made me believe he has an obssesion or maybe an affair whit her.

Edited February 11, 2011 by Someone Sad

[Someone Sad 14]

I have read some of the post but not all of them...........

Im sorry for what has happened to you......but think very carefully....does he have the ability to pay you back? If not it is healthier mentally and emotionally to just move...

if he does have the ability to do so and is going to turn it into a long legal process is that healthy for you?

It could tie you to him for a long time is that what you really want for yourself?

I know that money is not easy to come by but is it worth what your going thru?

do what you have to do for yourself and put him and any revenge thoughts out of your mind first if he is that low of a man there is nothing you can do that is going to make him feel as bad as you do right now.....sometimes in life getting what is rightfully yours is not worth what you have to go thru to try to get it..

try to be happy and thank what ever higher power you believe in that you got out before things got worse.....love is not suppose to hurt!

I am adding you to my prayers

sara

Thank you Sara for your words.

[rika60607 215]

Oh, c'mon, it is funny! Your nemesis is an overweight ex-stripper with bad temper

(my apology to all overweight strippers out there)

the girl now has 100 pounds more then she was 4 years ago.

You very well may be right, he may be obsessed and you are better off without him.

However, much as I understand your actions, asking the GF to not contact him was wrong of you. It is something that should have only been discussed between your husband and you.

If you have a conditional GC, unfortunately you can not forget about divorce. Before this GC expires, you will have to remove conditions. To do that, you must be either happily living together or be divorced. From the description of the education you gave, I do not think F-1 visa (full time student visa) would be appropriate for you anyway. So you better work on keeping that GC valid, if you want to go through with your plan for work/education. Look up form I-751 and instructions for it. You will need evidence of bona fide marriage.

[Jim&Natasha 24]

And to reply to number five,if u woulded read my posts, i have no family.And i sayed i am not intresting to stay in USA,after get my license i sayed i want to go back.

I believe you are being rude here, to criticize anyone who gives you constructive advice. Can you not see that?? People have busy lives and do not hang on every word you write.

If you consider my directness to be rude, I am fine with that. I happily accept your opinion. And what I recall of your post indicated that you were unsure of whether you would stay in the USA or return after getting education. In any case, whatever will happen there will happen when it happens. We make our plans, life happens, and then we adjust our plans from there.

You seem to have little understanding of your husband's point of view, and little awareness of how your own actions have influenced the situation.

You expect everyone to immediately side with you, when we are getting only 50% of the story, and only from your point of view.

You ARE trying to CONTROL him and you cannot see it from his point of view. Control was NOT too strong a word and I stand by it. If he were to come on here and describe the situation, what do you think he would write? What would he say about you? He is a human being with goals and dreams and values, just like you. You do not have to AGREE with his point of view, but it would be a helpful thing for you to UNDERSTAND how the situation looks to him, standing in his shoes, without demonizing him.

Ask him if he feels you are trying to control him and then just LISTEN to what he says. Do not argue or explain. Just listen and try to understand how things feel for him. And then try to explain back to him what you now understand about his feelings, without judging or criticizing him, so he knows that you understand how he feels. Are you capable of doing such a thing?

If you only pay attention to those who take your side and those who pity you, it will not help you very much.

I think he is holding onto these memories of other women as a means of keeping his feelings of independence a little longer. He may or may not be a cheating dog, but the more you demand and insist, the more attention you focus on it, the stronger he will hold onto these memories, as an outlet from the frustration he feels towards you.

If you do still love him, as you say, are you willing to make some changes in order to make the relationship work? Or is it only him that must change?

[Mike&Cherry 45]

so it seems the break up is all about money and jealousy of some fat ex girlfriend who's married herself. Interesting. Seems like you gave up so easily. Well as long as your happy that's all that matters, I guess.

[rlogan 2,036]

Hey someone sad sorry that during this time you are so hurt and feeling bad, and came here for help that people feel the need to kick you when you are down in order to feel better about themselves.

[Fandango 1,439]

I believe you are being rude here, to criticize anyone who gives you constructive advice. Can you not see that?? People have busy lives and do not hang on every word you write.

If you consider my directness to be rude, I am fine with that. I happily accept your opinion. And what I recall of your post indicated that you were unsure of whether you would stay in the USA or return after getting education. In any case, whatever will happen there will happen when it happens. We make our plans, life happens, and then we adjust our plans from there.

You seem to have little understanding of your husband's point of view, and little awareness of how your own actions have influenced the situation.

You expect everyone to immediately side with you, when we are getting only 50% of the story, and only from your point of view.

You ARE trying to CONTROL him and you cannot see it from his point of view. Control was NOT too strong a word and I stand by it. If he were to come on here and describe the situation, what do you think he would write? What would he say about you? He is a human being with goals and dreams and values, just like you. You do not have to AGREE with his point of view, but it would be a helpful thing for you to UNDERSTAND how the situation looks to him, standing in his shoes, without demonizing him.

Ask him if he feels you are trying to control him and then just LISTEN to what he says. Do not argue or explain. Just listen and try to understand how things feel for him. And then try to explain back to him what you now understand about his feelings, without judging or criticizing him, so he knows that you understand how he feels. Are you capable of doing such a thing?

If you only pay attention to those who take your side and those who pity you, it will not help you very much.

I think he is holding onto these memories of other women as a means of keeping his feelings of independence a little longer. He may or may not be a cheating dog, but the more you demand and insist, the more attention you focus on it, the stronger he will hold onto these memories, as an outlet from the frustration he feels towards you.

If you do still love him, as you say, are you willing to make some changes in order to make the relationship work? Or is it only him that must change?

You are not being direct, YOU are the one being rude, and truly going off on tangents which don't belong here. She said she didn't want to go after him for assets that she may be 'entitled' to but she feels aren't hers. She just wants what they agreed upon. You then went off about courts, how she's trying to be controlling, how she's created her own problems, how they have 'major underlying issues', and basically told her to suck it up and move on.

btw - Unless any of us know the ins and outs of her particular situation, know this couple personally, none of us is qualified to say 'you won't get a thing in court'.

Furthermore, the assertion that it's 'indeed the American way' to be friends with exes is dubious at best. Perhaps it is for YOU, but pls don't speak for all of the US. I'm American. I'm not friends with any of my exes. Unless a split was amicable, not very serious, etc...I see no reason to be friends with exes* (*Disclaimer: if the exes in question have a child, and the friendship is amicable in the best interests of co-parenting the child, then YES, that is perfectly acceptable, if not preferable) ....usually there are hurt and residual feelings somewhere, so I am of the notion that it's pointless to carry that further. Especially when both parties have married others. Even if there weren't hard feelings from my exes, I certainly wouldn't subject my husband to being in a position of having to be cordial and be friends with men who have shared my bed. No sir; that is not 'the American way' - that is rude, disrespectful, and quite an inconsiderate thing to do to a new spouse. ESPECIALLY to an immigrant spouse, who most probably already feels like a fish out of water.

But that's by the by really; what this woman described is NOT 'the American way' to be clearly hung up on someone to the point that it's ruined her marriage. It's certainly the 'Jerry Springer way' but for all of America? Nope.

Basically, this just smells odd...while I'm not tarring and feathering the guy, I do think the situation he's manifested is questionable. New wife to the ex gf's mother's house? No way. Sure, there are 3 sides to every story, but to blast this woman and say she's trying to control her husband is just lunacy at best. Who are you to tell her how her actions made him feel? Do you know either one of them? What 'huge, underlying issues' were in their relationship that you speak of? If you know this couple personally, then by all means, disclose that and I will retract my statements here.

Give her advice on how to proceed, sure....sit in judgment of her life and actions and form opinions without all the relevant facts? THAT'S rude. And stupid.

Then to top it off, she politely clarifies her post to you, and you call her rude. *smh*

Edited February 13, 2011 by Lisa C

[nigel 7]

Im glad to see there is no children involved in this mess..

plenty of good colleges in Europe anyways..

Move on & start fresh....get your life & studies back on track..

[rika60607 215]

Not every American has friends who are exes. Probably, most don't.

However, I know a good number of American men and women in their 20s-late 30s who have friends who happened to be exes. Usually it happens when friends from the same circle date/marry and then split. They remain friends in order not to split the circle...

This lifestyle is practically unheard of in Russia, I can tell you that much.

The problem with this guy is not that he is friends with his ex. The problem is that he can not make his wife feel confident and secure about it... and that she can not accept such friendship, may be because the concept is foreign to her. May be because it is not just friendship.

Anyhow, unless prenup was signed, for a short marriage with no kids, and with little assets owned by the husband, it is unlikely that the wife would get much if anything... Not impossible. Just highly unlikely, unless OP did not disclose something important

btw - Unless any of us know the ins and outs of her particular situation, know this couple personally, none of us is qualified to say 'you won't get a thing in court'.

Furthermore, the assertion that it's 'indeed the American way' to be friends with exes is dubious at best. Perhaps it is for YOU, but pls don't speak for all of the US. I'm American. I'm not friends with any of my exes.

[xxtinaxx 14]

Furthermore, the assertion that it's 'indeed the American way' to be friends with exes is dubious at best. Perhaps it is for YOU, but pls don't speak for all of the US. I'm American. I'm not friends with any of my exes. Unless a split was amicable, not very serious, etc...I see no reason to be friends with exes* (*Disclaimer: if the exes in question have a child, and the friendship is amicable in the best interests of co-parenting the child, then YES, that is perfectly acceptable, if not preferable) ....usually there are hurt and residual feelings somewhere, so I am of the notion that it's pointless to carry that further. Especially when both parties have married others. Even if there weren't hard feelings from my exes, I certainly wouldn't subject my husband to being in a position of having to be cordial and be friends with men who have shared my bed. No sir; that is not 'the American way' - that is rude, disrespectful, and quite an inconsiderate thing to do to a new spouse. ESPECIALLY to an immigrant spouse, who most probably already feels like a fish out of water.

Well said Lisa . Btw keeping ex gf's bikini pictures in his cellphone is not a right thing to do. Don't tell me some girl wouldn't be jealous if she found out about it.

Edited February 13, 2011 by xxtinaxx

[xxtinaxx 14]

so it seems the break up is all about money and jealousy of some fat ex girlfriend who's married herself. Interesting. Seems like you gave up so easily. Well as long as your happy that's all that matters, I guess.

How could she be happy if all her spouse think of was his ex gf, not her? And he failed at being her other half since he didn't protect her, take care of her...ect... Btw, she didn't break up with him over money.