Communication issues when being apart

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

Update:

We talked last night and I apologized for over-reacting. The issues seemed to smooth over - we talked for about an hour and then she asked me to call her before I go to sleep. So, I called her clinic at 11:30pm and her assistant told me she was at the next door beauty salon having her nails done. I said, "Can you just tell her that I said, 'goodnight'?" Her assistance fetched Jinky. I told her that I'm going to bed (11:30pm my time) and she then said that she'd call me when she was done with her nails. I cautiously said, "Okay," and went to sleep figuring I have no idea when she'll actually call. My phone rings at 2:30am and she says sorry but she had a patient. I was just quiet as she woke me up. She then asks me if I'm mad and I said, "Yeah, you didn't call me after you were done at the salon." But I remained calm - didn't over-react and just said to her that I need her to validate my feelings and to make it important to her that she calls me when she says she will - that she could've had the patient wait a minute while she calls me to tell me we can't really talk. She apologized and listened to what I had to say. We ended the call with her telling me she would call me before she goes to sleep (which would be about 7am my time). Still no call at 7:45am and I needed to start preparing for work so I called her. I woke her up and asked her if she was still planning on calling me. She said she had set her alarm but didn't wake up when it went off. By then I just felt defeated. I told her goodnight and I went on to work.

Now I'm wondering what to do, because this really hurts me. I feel like I'm too accommodating. Should I just tell her that after a certain time, I need to be sleeping so if we can't talk before my bedtime, we'll just have to save it for another time? Part of me just wants to take time of no contact - to give each of us a chance to rethink about how we prioritize the time we spend together on the phone. This is really going to escalate if I don't make it clear to her that it really bothers me.

steven, i think you may be reading too much into all of that. she does have a job, and if she didn't wake up to the alarm (which we all do, don't we?) then why make a mountain out of a molehill? i understand you have expectations of contact and communication with her, but with her working and the time difference between you and her it can't be easy. just hang in there big guy, it will all work out and be better

[one...two...tree 2,762]

steven, i think you may be reading too much into all of that. she does have a job, and if she didn't wake up to the alarm (which we all do, don't we?) then why make a mountain out of a molehill? i understand you have expectations of contact and communication with her, but with her working and the time difference between you and her it can't be easy. just hang in there big guy, it will all work out and be better

Thanks, Charles. Although these aren't isolated incidences, I can see your point. Being apart just sucks all around and talking on the phone is the only thing we've got right now...

[Ta Ta 1]

Update:

We talked last night and I apologized for over-reacting. The issues seemed to smooth over - we talked for about an hour and then she asked me to call her before I go to sleep. So, I called her clinic at 11:30pm and her assistant told me she was at the next door beauty salon having her nails done. I said, "Can you just tell her that I said, 'goodnight'?" Her assistance fetched Jinky. I told her that I'm going to bed (11:30pm my time) and she then said that she'd call me when she was done with her nails. I cautiously said, "Okay," and went to sleep figuring I have no idea when she'll actually call. My phone rings at 2:30am and she says sorry but she had a patient. I was just quiet as she woke me up. She then asks me if I'm mad and I said, "Yeah, you didn't call me after you were done at the salon." But I remained calm - didn't over-react and just said to her that I need her to validate my feelings and to make it important to her that she calls me when she says she will - that she could've had the patient wait a minute while she calls me to tell me we can't really talk. She apologized and listened to what I had to say. We ended the call with her telling me she would call me before she goes to sleep (which would be about 7am my time). Still no call at 7:45am and I needed to start preparing for work so I called her. I woke her up and asked her if she was still planning on calling me. She said she had set her alarm but didn't wake up when it went off. By then I just felt defeated. I told her goodnight and I went on to work.

Now I'm wondering what to do, because this really hurts me. I feel like I'm too accommodating. Should I just tell her that after a certain time, I need to be sleeping so if we can't talk before my bedtime, we'll just have to save it for another time? Part of me just wants to take time of no contact - to give each of us a chance to rethink about how we prioritize the time we spend together on the phone. This is really going to escalate if I don't make it clear to her that it really bothers me.

I can see that you are getting very frustrated with your boundaries being disrespected. If it happens occassionly no worries......if it becomes a pattern set your boundaries, turn off the ringer and go to sleep. The next day start over fresh and don't even mention it. If she says why did you not answer tell her you turned the ringer off because her call did not come and you needed sleep. Be sweet and kind but firm and draw the line. It may be difficult at first because it has been a sweet habit to say good night but substitute a good night email instead to have a sense of connection and GO TO SLEEP. All will be well !

Sabine

steven, i think you may be reading too much into all of that. she does have a job, and if she didn't wake up to the alarm (which we all do, don't we?) then why make a mountain out of a molehill? i understand you have expectations of contact and communication with her, but with her working and the time difference between you and her it can't be easy. just hang in there big guy, it will all work out and be better

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I can see that you are getting very frustrated with your boundaries being disrespected. If it happens occassionly no worries......if it becomes a pattern set your boundaries, turn off the ringer and go to sleep. The next day start over fresh and don't even mention it. If she says why did you not answer tell her you turned the ringer off because her call did not come and you needed sleep. Be sweet and kind but firm and draw the line. It may be difficult at first because it has been a sweet habit to say good night but substitute a good night email instead to have a sense of connection and GO TO SLEEP. All will be well !

Sabine

Thanks, Sabine. That's excellent advice.

[dalegg 143]

I would also like to add that, when your spouse comes to the U.S, and if you should ever get irritated and accidentally utter the phrase "Must you change everything in my life" and your wife asks you what else she has changed- DO NOT ANSWER!!!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I would also like to add that, when your spouse comes to the U.S, and if you should ever get irritated and accidentally utter the phrase "Must you change everything in my life" and your wife asks you what else she has changed- DO NOT ANSWER!!!

Were you expecting she'd fit right in with the furniture?

[patricks 0]

These S.E. Asian women?

This is just the tip of the iceberg, wait until she gets to the U.S.

Then, the real FUN begins:)

[*Robert* 2]

Steven, I feel for ya bud. I hope you guys can make it through this most difficult time. Communication is very important, but sometimes difficult when separated by long distance.

Hang in there my friend!

[garya505 2]

* When your SO other says they will call you right back and they don't, what do you do?

She doesn't call me because it's too expensive for her. However, if she is busy she will ask me to call her back and she is always waiting when I do.

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

She wouldn't do that unless it's absolutely necessary, and when she does she keeps it as short as possible.

* When your SO puts you on hold for several minutes what do you do?

She never does that to me, and she knows I would do that to her either.

* When you planned on talking with them before they go to bed and you call them and they have already fallen asleep, what do you do?

She keeps her phone by her side, so if she falls asleep she always wakes if I call. She sleeps with her phone every night.

I call her every night before she goes to sleep and every morning to wake her. Every day she is at work I call her during her lunch break. I never miss a call. On her day off we are on the phone several times.

Edited August 31, 2006 by garya505

[ChristinaM 0]

Sabine, that was great advice and welcome to VJ!

As someone who was on the other end of it, let me offer you my perspective.

When my husband and I were apart, I was still working on the cruise ship. The only means of communication is through satellite phone or satellite internet. The net on the ship is cheaper, but with the large amount of crew it can be difficult to get a PC at peak times - the times when Chris would typically be sat at a PC in Maine. Satellite phone is very expensive - $10 for 59 minutes. There's no way round that when you're at sea, and me not having a US cell phone meant it was actually slightly cheaper than bouncing calls to the UK and back! My husband is not a huge fan of chatting online. He emails fine, but finds it hard to determine tone of "voice" through IMs. As such, that left us with the phone.

I promised him that I would try and email him every day, and that I would call at least twice a week. There was one day that I didn't email, out of six weeks. However, calling was much harder. Because of the hours I worked and the hours Chris slept (delayed sleep-phase sufferer), the only time I could call was late at night - after midnight most times. And the more I managed to call, the more I felt expected to call. Like Jinky, if I knew that I was going to upset Chris because I hadn't called when I said I would, I just didn't bother to call at all. There's nothing worse than fighting with someone when you can't give them a hug afterwards.

But when I didn't call, I got increasingly agitated emails, and then Chris would start calling the ship. Now, it costs $19 a MINUTE to call a ship, and on top of that, he woke my roommate up every time he called. I found that very hard to deal with, and expected Chris just to know that I was doing my best. Because it was so expensive, I also got frustrated if I could sense that his attention was elsewhere, and he learnt to turn the TV off when I called pretty quickly!

It is frustrating, but it's also frustrating when you are doing your best and you're still getting hassled. Sometimes, life just gets in the way and it's unavoidable. My experience was obviously very different from yours, and I don't know how helpful it will be to you.

Good luck going forward, Steven.

[mychelle 1]

steven, i think you may be reading too much into all of that. she does have a job, and if she didn't wake up to the alarm (which we all do, don't we?) then why make a mountain out of a molehill? i understand you have expectations of contact and communication with her, but with her working and the time difference between you and her it can't be easy. just hang in there big guy, it will all work out and be better

steven no offense but you may have too much time on your hand. too much that you actually analyze these things. i'm sure these incidents happened to others before but it really depends on how you deal with it. it's good that you let her know that you're annoyed and disappointed but i think that's all you can do right now.

you sound like you're too accomodating but maybe next time, if you really need your sleep...put your phone on silent instead. and if she fell asleep before calling you...which can actually happen between US-Phil time...i say let her sleep and have her call you when she wakes up (text message would be best.)

ok so bottomline, be less accomodating (to your standards of accomodating) and be more understanding (to her schedule and her temperament). and yeah, go out with friends...take a hobby...something that will get your mind off your phone for a while.

good luck!

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

It's never easy Steve, time zone's suck and work gets in the way of things.

We were lucky, Dave is on the road all night so we used to talk alot while he was driving, I wasn't working so adjusted my sleep pattern to his.

However, he's also a firefighter. Calls always took presidence over speaking to me which used to piss me off and many times I'd wait up for him to return from a call then end up leaving a shitty message on his machine saying I see how I rank, cat stuck up a tree is more important than me, call me whenever.

One day he sent me a poem all about the role of a firefighter and how they save lives and help distressed people. It made me realise how selfish I was being and also made me realise that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with this man, so a few months of missed phone calls were trivial in the big picture.

My only advice is never go to bed with hard feelings between you. Even if you just leave her a message/text saying you are going to sleep and you love her. It will make you feel better. If she doesn't reciprocate, tell her you would appreciate a message left just so you know she is home safely and don't worry throughout your day. Put you phone on silent, there's nothing worse to screw with your head when you are worried about things like this, as lack of or broken sleep.

I personally couldn't do the no contact thing. We've spoken at least once a day throughout our whole relationship. I wouldn't sleep if we didn't.

Good luck, hope you sort this out.

Helen

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Like Jinky, if I knew that I was going to upset Chris because I hadn't called when I said I would, I just didn't bother to call at all. There's nothing worse than fighting with someone when you can't give them a hug afterwards.

Thanks, Christina and to the everyone's words of wisdom and encouragement.

When I get short with her on the phone she says it's like a flashback to her father and his temper so I can understand why she avoids a phone fight. Last night we talked about it and I know I need to remain calm so as not to rattle her fears but also be able to tell her when I'm upset or angry. We have this banter on the phone so even when we're snappy it usually turns into us laughing at ourselves and each other.

steven, i think you may be reading too much into all of that. she does have a job, and if she didn't wake up to the alarm (which we all do, don't we?) then why make a mountain out of a molehill? i understand you have expectations of contact and communication with her, but with her working and the time difference between you and her it can't be easy. just hang in there big guy, it will all work out and be better

steven no offense but you may have too much time on your hand. too much that you actually analyze these things. i'm sure these incidents happened to others before but it really depends on how you deal with it. it's good that you let her know that you're annoyed and disappointed but i think that's all you can do right now.

you sound like you're too accomodating but maybe next time, if you really need your sleep...put your phone on silent instead. and if she fell asleep before calling you...which can actually happen between US-Phil time...i say let her sleep and have her call you when she wakes up (text message would be best.)

ok so bottomline, be less accomodating (to your standards of accomodating) and be more understanding (to her schedule and her temperament). and yeah, go out with friends...take a hobby...something that will get your mind off your phone for a while.

good luck!

Thanks, Mychelle. Excellent advice. Between my job, raising 2 teenagers and trying to get to the gym at night, my schedule's pretty full, but I do go out to lunch with my buddies at work. On the weekends, I'll often go see a movie by myself...I tell Jinky that I tape her photo to the empty see next to me like we're out on a date..

It's never easy Steve, time zone's suck and work gets in the way of things.

We were lucky, Dave is on the road all night so we used to talk alot while he was driving, I wasn't working so adjusted my sleep pattern to his.

However, he's also a firefighter. Calls always took presidence over speaking to me which used to piss me off and many times I'd wait up for him to return from a call then end up leaving a shitty message on his machine saying I see how I rank, cat stuck up a tree is more important than me, call me whenever.

One day he sent me a poem all about the role of a firefighter and how they save lives and help distressed people. It made me realise how selfish I was being and also made me realise that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with this man, so a few months of missed phone calls were trivial in the big picture.

My only advice is never go to bed with hard feelings between you. Even if you just leave her a message/text saying you are going to sleep and you love her. It will make you feel better. If she doesn't reciprocate, tell her you would appreciate a message left just so you know she is home safely and don't worry throughout your day. Put you phone on silent, there's nothing worse to screw with your head when you are worried about things like this, as lack of or broken sleep.

I personally couldn't do the no contact thing. We've spoken at least once a day throughout our whole relationship. I wouldn't sleep if we didn't.

Good luck, hope you sort this out.

Helen

Thanks, Helen. That is awesome and even though Jinky's not saving lives or pulling cats out of trees, she's pulling teeth and filling cavaties, so I try to keep in perspective. She's at her clinic 7 days a week plus raising a 5 year old son, so it's actually amazing that we're able to find time for each other by phone or chatting.

[dalegg 143]

These S.E. Asian women?

This is just the tip of the iceberg, wait until she gets to the U.S.

Then, the real FUN begins:)

[eric&gen 0]

I remember thoses days lol long distance communication did suck me and my wife did our online ralateship for almost 2 years. We had our fights about when to call on certain times and go online but we made it through and so can you dont sweat it. Communication is still important. You should just worry about getting through the INS process and getting your loved ones over here.