Communication issues when being apart

[one...two...tree 2,762]

* When your SO other says they will call you right back and they don't, what do you do?

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

* When your SO puts you on hold for several minutes what do you do?

* When you planned on talking with them before they go to bed and you call them and they have already fallen asleep, what do you do?

Sorry if those sound a bit ambiguous as I know it depends on the situation but without going into too many details, I'm feeling frustrated lately in the time I have to spend with my SO without completely sacrificing my sleep. It seems (I'm sure it's probably a lot of my perception) that before, my SO was more diligent about calling, and it's hard for me not to take it personally when she doesn't follow through with what she says. I end up getting short on the phone and then we end up both being upset. Am I unreasonable to expect that when she says she'll call back that she will? Especially when it's 2am and I need to get to sleep at some point?

[dalegg 143]

I don't know Steven. You don't try to talk about Global Warming with her do you? Sorry, I couldn't resist!!

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

* When your SO puts you on hold for several minutes what do you do?point?

Actually, I've had experience with these two, and since it only happened on the PC, I closed my chat program down and made her call me. We got in a few fights about that. Used to piss me off a lot.

[snz1802 0]

I know what you are going through, my fiance is in South Korea, so when I am getting up in the morning he is going to bed, and when he is going to bed, I am getting up....it is very hard. I have learned that we both have to compromise, he likes staying up later, so that is easier for him, but I have no problem getting up in the middle of the night to talk to him if he calls. I also have no problem staying up late either. Each of us have to just work together, I also give him my undivided attention, as he does me, when we are on the phone, computer, etc... with each as this is the only time we have to spend together. I think maybe you should just have a talk with your SO and tell her how you feel, let your SO know what she is doing is upsetting you and see if you guys can talk it out, that is really the only way that it can be worked out, is if you guys communicate about it. IMO, communication and honesty is the key to any relationship.

~Stacey

[onwa 6]

* When your SO other says they will call you right back and they don't, what do you do?

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

The first one happened to me once. But never again. It really hurt my feelings when my then fiance asked if me if I could call him back in 5 minutes. And when I tried to call back, his phone was turned off and was for the next several hours. He had a good reason, but it still wasn't acceptable. He should have told me he was busy and I could I call him back in a few hours--not 5 minutes. He never did it again. For which I was really appreciative. I think that is the key. If you have effectively communicated how important it is that she make quality time with you on the phone and that she keeps to her word about calling--she should make steps to change.

On the other hand, she may be feeling that you are communicating too much and I would really try and get her thoughts on that. It may be you need som sort of compromise--less time, more quality.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I don't know Steven. You don't try to talk about Global Warming with her do you? Sorry, I couldn't resist!!

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

* When your SO puts you on hold for several minutes what do you do?point?

Actually, I've had experience with these two, and since it only happened on the PC, I closed my chat program down and made her call me. We got in a few fights about that. Used to piss me off a lot.

Global what?

Yeah, I've logged off also before and then she'd call me asking me what happened. I'm sure it's not her intentions, but it comes across as being inconsiderate and it really bothers me.

I know what you are going through, my fiance is in South Korea, so when I am getting up in the morning he is going to bed, and when he is going to bed, I am getting up....it is very hard. I have learned that we both have to compromise, he likes staying up later, so that is easier for him, but I have no problem getting up in the middle of the night to talk to him if he calls. I also have no problem staying up late either. Each of us have to just work together, I also give him my undivided attention, as he does me, when we are on the phone, computer, etc... with each as this is the only time we have to spend together. I think maybe you should just have a talk with your SO and tell her how you feel, let your SO know what she is doing is upsetting you and see if you guys can talk it out, that is really the only way that it can be worked out, is if you guys communicate about it. IMO, communication and honesty is the key to any relationship.

~Stacey

Thanks, Stacy. I have talked to her about it - she gets subdued and apologetic and I know she's not intentionally being inconsiderate, but nevertheless when her attention is elsewhere it is plain rude. I have calmly asked her to please communicate better - if she can't talk long on the phone and I'm expecting her call, then please call me to tell me that we can't really talk. She's a dentist and has her own clinic. Patients rarely make appointments so we could be talking for 3 minutes and then she'll say, "There's a patient here." I keep contemplating the idea of just taking time off - like a few days or even a week of no communication for both of us to really let things sink in, but everytime I've tried to, we miss each other so much that we end up calling. But I don't want to constantly be in conflict over these issues. I think she understands my points, but she has said that I am being unreasonable or that she feels I'm making her have to check in with me which is not what I want for either of us. I just don't like waiting by the phone, not knowing if she's going to call in 5 minutes or 3 hours...it gets my anxiety going and then I can't sleep.

[vartan 0]

When your SO other says they will call you right back and they don't, what do you do?

They always call me back

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

They don't

* When your SO puts you on hold for several minutes what do you do?

Nope.. not here

* When you planned on talking with them before they go to bed and you call them and they have already fallen asleep, what do you do?

Call them and wake them up .. she does the same

[one...two...tree 2,762]

* When your SO other says they will call you right back and they don't, what do you do?

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

The first one happened to me once. But never again. It really hurt my feelings when my then fiance asked if me if I could call him back in 5 minutes. And when I tried to call back, his phone was turned off and was for the next several hours. He had a good reason, but it still wasn't acceptable. He should have told me he was busy and I could I call him back in a few hours--not 5 minutes. He never did it again. For which I was really appreciative. I think that is the key. If you have effectively communicated how important it is that she make quality time with you on the phone and that she keeps to her word about calling--she should make steps to change.

On the other hand, she may be feeling that you are communicating too much and I would really try and get her thoughts on that. It may be you need som sort of compromise--less time, more quality.

Yes. It's more difficult now because I know she doesn't feel like calling if she thinks I might be upset. I understand that feeling but she's got to allow me to vent on the phone - let her know how I feel, even if I might be over-reacting.

[MrMrsKnight 0]

Well....our situation is a little different since we don't use the phone so much (i call him everyday while he's working but only for about 5 min.) and we use the web camera 99% of the time we're both home... so it means about 12 hours a day almost. While we're online we still have a normal life... watching tv, eating, talking to other people on the phone sometimes, sometimes someone stops by his house to hang out.... and that doesn't bother us so much because since we spend the rest of the time together anyway.

Now if we had limited time to talk everyday I'd be a little hurt too.... so I understand you. If you ask my opinion I'd say tell her everything you told us... exactly the way you told us. If she realizes how much it really hurts you she'll probably try to get better.

I remember I was very bad about being late.... that was bad and really hurt his feelings sometimes because he'd be waiting for me with something special or sometimes he cooked a special meal and it'd be cold by the time I got home. I never meant to lie to him about what time I'd be home and I never meant to hurt him... but I wasn't realistic when telling him what time I'd be able to come home so I was late all the time.

We talked about it so many times and he helped me so much by lot letting me lie to myself anymore. I can finally say I'm changed now. I'm never late anymore and it's good for me and everyone else around me.

Anyway.... so talking is the best thing you can do I think.

[mychelle 1]

* When your SO other says they will call you right back and they don't, what do you do?

i'll call back or if i'm feeling chill that day...i'll just wait for a call back (a few minutes or even an hour is alright with me.) if it took a day before he called back...then, yeah i will totally get mad. so far it hasn't happened yet.

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

i tell him to call me back when he's no longer busy. he's usually good at calling back. i do the same to him. i use to take it personally but i realize he has a life there and so do i...so it's just one of those things.

* When your SO puts you on hold for several minutes what do you do?

ok to put me on hold if he's going to drink water or go to the bathroom (for number 1 only!) but for any other reason, i just tell him to call me back when he's no longer busy.

* When you planned on talking with them before they go to bed and you call them and they have already fallen asleep, what do you do?

we have a Plan B, sort of. he will text message or email that he's going to sleep (i tell him not to call 'coz i usually forget to put my phone on alarm...and i do wake up when i hear my phone ring.) when i finally wake up, it lets me know not to call him and he'll call me when he wakes up.

bottomline is...talk to each other and figure out your schedules. make sure it's flexible enough to allow some room for spontaneity or when you just feel like saying "hi" to each other but make it stable enough that you'll have something to look forward to where you can really get to "talk".

you'll get the hang of it eventually. well, you kinda have to...or else you both will drive each other insane. the time difference is not helping much either.

[babybunny 2]

you know TEXT message is a wonderful tool. when its a good time to talk - text message- something like - dear I am free now - "its a great time to talk about anything"

thats how me and hubby do it...

[snz1802 0]

I don't know Steven. You don't try to talk about Global Warming with her do you? Sorry, I couldn't resist!!

* When your talking with your SO on the phone long distance and they start carrying on a conversation with someone who is physically near them, what do you do?

* When your SO puts you on hold for several minutes what do you do?point?

Actually, I've had experience with these two, and since it only happened on the PC, I closed my chat program down and made her call me. We got in a few fights about that. Used to piss me off a lot.

Global what?

Yeah, I've logged off also before and then she'd call me asking me what happened. I'm sure it's not her intentions, but it comes across as being inconsiderate and it really bothers me.

I know what you are going through, my fiance is in South Korea, so when I am getting up in the morning he is going to bed, and when he is going to bed, I am getting up....it is very hard. I have learned that we both have to compromise, he likes staying up later, so that is easier for him, but I have no problem getting up in the middle of the night to talk to him if he calls. I also have no problem staying up late either. Each of us have to just work together, I also give him my undivided attention, as he does me, when we are on the phone, computer, etc... with each as this is the only time we have to spend together. I think maybe you should just have a talk with your SO and tell her how you feel, let your SO know what she is doing is upsetting you and see if you guys can talk it out, that is really the only way that it can be worked out, is if you guys communicate about it. IMO, communication and honesty is the key to any relationship.

~Stacey

Thanks, Stacy. I have talked to her about it - she gets subdued and apologetic and I know she's not intentionally being inconsiderate, but nevertheless when her attention is elsewhere it is plain rude. I have calmly asked her to please communicate better - if she can't talk long on the phone and I'm expecting her call, then please call me to tell me that we can't really talk. She's a dentist and has her own clinic. Patients rarely make appointments so we could be talking for 3 minutes and then she'll say, "There's a patient here." I keep contemplating the idea of just taking time off - like a few days or even a week of no communication for both of us to really let things sink in, but everytime I've tried to, we miss each other so much that we end up calling. But I don't want to constantly be in conflict over these issues. I think she understands my points, but she has said that I am being unreasonable or that she feels I'm making her have to check in with me which is not what I want for either of us. I just don't like waiting by the phone, not knowing if she's going to call in 5 minutes or 3 hours...it gets my anxiety going and then I can't sleep.

Yes Steven, I can relate to this, my SO and I used to have a lot of trouble with this in the beginning as well. It is hard to communicate when you don't really know how. I was the one in our relationship that didn't know how to communicate, this was 4 years ago though. This is our 2nd fiance visa by the way. It took me a couple of years to grow up and figure out what it was that I needed and most of all lost, by not communicating. I did the exact same thing to my SO, and it was wrong, and it was hurtful. It was selfish of me and now that I think back I can't believe I ever treated him in such a way. I always thought he was unreasonable as well, or making me check in too. So, I have been there, but I was the one doing it. LOL. It took me and my SO breaking up for two years for me to figure out who I was and learn how to communicate among other things in my life. Of course, your situation is probably totally different than mine was, I just thought I would share, everyone has their ups and downs, but if it is truly love, it will never die. As you see, my SO and I are still together, after two years of being apart, we are here once again, going through this process to be together, because we were truly meant to be together.

~Stacey

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks MrMrsKnight, Shon, Mychelle and Stacy.

She just called me here at work. Last time we talked was last night. Her phone card ran out and I was waiting for her to call back since it cut me off in mid sentence. After about 10 minutes I called her and she seemed surprised that I was expecting her to call me back. Anyhow we got into an argument - I was angry that it was 2am in the morning and that she left me waiting for her to call, then she says a patient is waiting outside. So just now, she asked me if I know what I did wrong? She is clearly upset as well as I am. I'm most troubled because she has come to conclusion that I'm not trusting her which isn't the issue at all. Just now I said to her - how can she think of me as being this person who is unreasonably demanding and distrusting? I'm searching within myself and second guessing if this is me? I do get anxious and will get angry but it's because I feel like she's not being considerate of me, my sleep, or the fact that I'm simply waiting for her call. So we ended the call with the idea that we just won't talk for awhile. I think time without communication can be beneficial but I'm not sure if she looks at it the same way. I want to just bury myself under a blanket and sleep for a few days straight...I wish...sigh.

[snz1802 0]

Thanks MrMrsKnight, Shon, Mychelle and Stacy.

She just called me here at work. Last time we talked was last night. Her phone card ran out and I was waiting for her to call back since it cut me off in mid sentence. After about 10 minutes I called her and she seemed surprised that I was expecting her to call me back. Anyhow we got into an argument - I was angry that it was 2am in the morning and that she left me waiting for her to call, then she says a patient is waiting outside. So just now, she asked me if I know what I did wrong? She is clearly upset as well as I am. I'm most troubled because she has come to conclusion that I'm not trusting her which isn't the issue at all. Just now I said to her - how can she think of me as being this person who is unreasonably demanding and distrusting? I'm searching within myself and second guessing if this is me? I do get anxious and will get angry but it's because I feel like she's not being considerate of me, my sleep, or the fact that I'm simply waiting for her call. So we ended the call with the idea that we just won't talk for awhile. I think time without communication can be beneficial but I'm not sure if she looks at it the same way. I want to just bury myself under a blanket and sleep for a few days straight...I wish...sigh.

Steven

Maybe a few days without communication will help, sometimes it is very easy for us to take each other for granted. Give a few days, maybe time can heal whatever is causing your guys problems right now. You have to also remember, this process causes a lot of stress, anxiety, also the distance is a big issue, it really may not be either one of your faults, it may just be the circumstances. I hope things get back to normal for the two of your very soon.

~Stacey

[Mirorgate 0]

Thanks MrMrsKnight, Shon, Mychelle and Stacy.

She just called me here at work. Last time we talked was last night. Her phone card ran out and I was waiting for her to call back since it cut me off in mid sentence. After about 10 minutes I called her and she seemed surprised that I was expecting her to call me back. Anyhow we got into an argument - I was angry that it was 2am in the morning and that she left me waiting for her to call, then she says a patient is waiting outside. So just now, she asked me if I know what I did wrong? She is clearly upset as well as I am. I'm most troubled because she has come to conclusion that I'm not trusting her which isn't the issue at all. Just now I said to her - how can she think of me as being this person who is unreasonably demanding and distrusting? I'm searching within myself and second guessing if this is me? I do get anxious and will get angry but it's because I feel like she's not being considerate of me, my sleep, or the fact that I'm simply waiting for her call. So we ended the call with the idea that we just won't talk for awhile. I think time without communication can be beneficial but I'm not sure if she looks at it the same way. I want to just bury myself under a blanket and sleep for a few days straight...I wish...sigh.

No communication is BAD, especially when ended in a bad way (both angry and hurt)

see if there is actually a better time/schedule to call during the week, and stick to that. it will not always be there either (accept this) as LIFE happens to the both of you. but it will start. calling cards will run out of time. accept that, and have it acceptable to both that you DO NOT need to drop everything to recharge it and call again to continue the conversation. Just remember that right now it is also an adjustment process, and both need to realise that both are intruding on eachothers day when you call. it is true... you can be at work and the phone rings and there she is. she is intruding on what you were doing. same when you call her. certainly a welcoming diversion, but that is not the point... be sincere with each other if the other doesnt really have the time to talk AT THAT MOMENT and schedule for later. things will get easier when she is here... but also more difficult as she awaits authorization to work, her GC, travel auth, etc. just one day at a time... and respect eachothers boundaries too. just because you are the husband.. doesnt give the right to always keep pushing, even in jest... else its the sofa! (trust me on that last one... hehehe)

best of luck in what you two decide works for the both of you.. and remember.. keep communication open.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks MrMrsKnight, Shon, Mychelle and Stacy.

She just called me here at work. Last time we talked was last night. Her phone card ran out and I was waiting for her to call back since it cut me off in mid sentence. After about 10 minutes I called her and she seemed surprised that I was expecting her to call me back. Anyhow we got into an argument - I was angry that it was 2am in the morning and that she left me waiting for her to call, then she says a patient is waiting outside. So just now, she asked me if I know what I did wrong? She is clearly upset as well as I am. I'm most troubled because she has come to conclusion that I'm not trusting her which isn't the issue at all. Just now I said to her - how can she think of me as being this person who is unreasonably demanding and distrusting? I'm searching within myself and second guessing if this is me? I do get anxious and will get angry but it's because I feel like she's not being considerate of me, my sleep, or the fact that I'm simply waiting for her call. So we ended the call with the idea that we just won't talk for awhile. I think time without communication can be beneficial but I'm not sure if she looks at it the same way. I want to just bury myself under a blanket and sleep for a few days straight...I wish...sigh.

Steven

Maybe a few days without communication will help, sometimes it is very easy for us to take each other for granted. Give a few days, maybe time can heal whatever is causing your guys problems right now. You have to also remember, this process causes a lot of stress, anxiety, also the distance is a big issue, it really may not be either one of your faults, it may just be the circumstances. I hope things get back to normal for the two of your very soon.

~Stacey

Thanks Stacy, I will do my best not to call her at least until I've calmed down a bit. I miss her terribly and you're right, this process is taking it's toll. We both had been hoping and praying of getting our NOA2 by the end of August, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. We haven't even gotten our IMBRA RFE yet...sigh.

No communication is BAD, especially when ended in a bad way (both angry and hurt)

see if there is actually a better time/schedule to call during the week, and stick to that. it will not always be there either (accept this) as LIFE happens to the both of you. but it will start. calling cards will run out of time. accept that, and have it acceptable to both that you DO NOT need to drop everything to recharge it and call again to continue the conversation. Just remember that right now it is also an adjustment process, and both need to realise that both are intruding on eachothers day when you call. it is true... you can be at work and the phone rings and there she is. she is intruding on what you were doing. same when you call her. certainly a welcoming diversion, but that is not the point... be sincere with each other if the other doesnt really have the time to talk AT THAT MOMENT and schedule for later. things will get easier when she is here... but also more difficult as she awaits authorization to work, her GC, travel auth, etc. just one day at a time... and respect eachothers boundaries too. just because you are the husband.. doesnt give the right to always keep pushing, even in jest... else its the sofa! (trust me on that last one... hehehe)

best of luck in what you two decide works for the both of you.. and remember.. keep communication open.

I feel we're at an impasse and both of us are too emotionally charged right now to really see each other's point-of-view. That was obvious to me when we just talked on the phone and I asked her a question. After a long silence she said something else and then I asked her if she was going to answer my question - she said, "What question?" She's normally good at listening...so I know it's just that she's very upset.

I agree that I've probably over-reacted to a lot of what has happened lately compounded by lack of sleep and stress. I'm just going to keep her in my mind - good thoughts of course and let some contemplation, some missing, and some healing take place. Thanks though for the good advice.