How do you cope?

[DiZZyLoX 114]

Ironically, It was how Inari and I met! We stopped playing to get on with the task at hand, and well life. I do like to play computer games while I have time, but I feel MMO's are unhealthy unless your at total peace with your mind.

I'm sorry to hear it does not work for you. Alas, we play via XBOX / PS3. I hope you find what works for you soon. <3

[Lisa & Vinko 9]

The months waiting for any response on my I-129F were the hardest, especially when you don't know what the response is going to be from USCIS; the hardest for me being the weeks around Christmas, when I learned I was to receive an RFE. But since getting the RFE, I have hope because it was something easily corrected and I expect that I will be approved soon. And looking back, my fiance and I now realize that we have made it now nearly 8 months apart since starting this process and we are still holding strong!!! It makes me think now that we will be able to handle anything. I will be going to Chile hopefully when we find out an interview date, because I would like to be there for him on that...

[James And Oksana 19]

Honestly, I have not been coping very well. I left my fiancée on January 9th, even though I did not want to. But I had work, kids, and of course and expiring tourist visa, so there was really no choice. Day to day it is hard. I try to keep occupied with work, kids, and getting the house ready for her arrival. There are days that it just feels impossible, and how will I get through the day without her there. It is especially hard with her being 11 hours ahead, which means during the week we mostly email as there is not much time for Skype with each of us working and needing rest. The weekends is when we can mostly talk. I find myself also keeping Skype up on my phone while at work just to be able to send a few messages in the evening for her before bedtime. It has been about as much time as I spent with her since I have now returned, yet the past 12 days have seemed so very long and the time with her so so short. I just pray the reverse starts happening, that the days start clicking by quickly so I can be with her again soon.

[Wesekat 1]

How do we cope? How does one cope with having the heart Yanked from the chest and thrown into separate prisons without doing anything wrong? How does one cope with being banished from the tribe for loving someone from another? How does one cope knowing that another man out there somewhere who has a similar name, who did a very bad thing, is probably happily married, as I sit here bitching while "They" (whoever they are wherever they are) will some day, month, or year, take a half hour to check to be sure I am not him? How does one cope with being told to sit down and shut up and wait for perhaps years, with cold indifferent glares, and no glimpse of a timescale hope other than sheer optimism? We call, we write, everyday, and once a month we howl at the angry moon. And we wait, because, apparently, they all say (a different They), there is nothing else we can do. Thus goes the life in the "Land of the Free" America - lost in the Bushes.

Our case has been in the black hole known as Administrative Review for 7 months. It can take years, so we've found out. Or it might be finished tomorrow. There is no way to know, or plan. I am guilty of being unfit for marriage until They deem otherwise. Stupid name.

Although 100% committed to me, my beloved fiancee is losing hope in her American dream. They refused her tourist visa very rudely, hater lady official saying she had "no friend in America." They refused to approve her K-1 at the interview. She has heard many horror stories about this God sliding land called America. I can get a tourist visa to Russia in one day. (Oh the irony!) We are exploring the options of moving to another country. There some that seem to respect family values. We won't make much money, but we will be together.

Good luck there lonely fellow. That's all we have, other than LOVE, and FAITH.

Other than that I am writing to Mister President. Maybe he will read it. Maybe not. But at least I have to keep trying.

Never give up! That's how I cope.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

We cope by living our lives. We are in constant communication throughout every day that passes. We do our best not to think about this part of our relationship too much. We speak on the phone in the evening, watch television and movies together, play silly online games together, do our best to prepare for the next step when I'm finally able to be in the United States. It helps that we see each other every few months. He was here for Christmas but I likely won't visit him again until this process is complete.

We cope by speaking of the future. Telling each other what it is we're looking forward to the most when we can FINALLY start our lives together. We plan how we're going to decorate our house, how we're going to organize my move there, etc.

We just go about our business, knowing eventually that this waiting will be over and once it is, the time we spent waiting will seem insignificant.

[JustJanis 2]

We cope by living our lives. We are in constant communication throughout every day that passes. We do our best not to think about this part of our relationship too much. We speak on the phone in the evening, watch television and movies together, play silly online games together, do our best to prepare for the next step when I'm finally able to be in the United States. It helps that we see each other every few months. He was here for Christmas but I likely won't visit him again until this process is complete.

We cope by speaking of the future. Telling each other what it is we're looking forward to the most when we can FINALLY start our lives together. We plan how we're going to decorate our house, how we're going to organize my move there, etc.

We just go about our business, knowing eventually that this waiting will be over and once it is, the time we spent waiting will seem insignificant.

Good advice! Communication is very important ... we talk, skype and email constantly every day, talk about the future and try not to dwell on the distance. We are also, it seems, older than many of the people I've seen on here - don't know if I could have been as patient in my 20's.

It's very fortunate that we have been able to be together twice since meeting in October and have future plans for me to visit him (first visit in 28 days!!!) while he's working in Japan - we seem to be only able to go 7 or so weeks between visits but it turns out that so far that works for our work/vacation schedules.

I am trying to keep myself busy off work hours with planning, organizing and packing up my apartment and generally getting things in order so I will be ready when it's time to cross over on my K1.

It's not easy, but know you're not alone. And that one day all this waiting will pay off to be with the one you love.

[coraliesolms 47]

How did I cope? Well, I just did. It really broke my hubbies heart when he heard me crying on the phone, and I had to steel myself against it, because I didn't want to make it harder on him. That being said, there were times when a couple of glasses of wine and a good cry did the trick.

Mostly I just worked myself to a standstill. The more I worked and took online courses to keep my brain on other things, the less I thought about how much it was hurting. Before you know it, BOOM, interview letter!

I know you dont like to hear it, but keep busy, it really does help. And keep it fresh too! Send pics regularly and have some fun with it. It is definately all worth it when its over. The 3 years I waited for my visa have just vanished, I have to work really hard to think about them and remember them!

[Amy and Nick 37]

I work, work, work, work, work. 9 hour shifts every day, and then obsess on VJ and sleep! Its a dull, dull life without the hubby but just trying to keep my head down and not think about it if im honest. Easier said than done, but im only about 2 months into the process so i feel im still at the optimistic end!

Just out of curiosity, where abouts in New Mexico are you going to be moving to? I spent a year in Albuquerque which is where I met my hubby, but he's moved to Southern Colorado now

Im hoping its not forever and I get back to my beloved New Mexico at some point, buts its nice to see someone in NM, its pretty rare! (this is where youre gonna tell me you hate it...!)

[Nat & Nate 0]

At the moment I'm not coping very well as I'm sitting here writing this with tears in my eyes as I'm leaving my love tomorrow morning. I am hopeless at goodbyes!! I have already delayed my flight home twice because I couldn't face leaving him but I know I have to go home. Nathan is much stronger than me, he sees my leaving as 'see you later' as opposed to 'goodbye'. He focuses very much on the long term and sees the time apart as just an inconvenience for now. I find it harder and what really hurts is not knowing when I will see him next. Our instant chat is on constantly and we talk when we can, even if it is just for a few minutes, and we email every day and also talk on the phone every couple of days. We've made some exciting plans for our future in the six weeks that I've been here which have made our relationship stronger and which will hopefully make being apart more bearable as I know I have so much to look forward to. I know it's easier said than done but I plan on keeping busy with the usual(work, gym, seeing friends) and by talking to Nathan as much as I can.

If anyone wants to email me for a chat or a shoulder to cry on please feel free, I'd love to hear from anyone. Good luck to you all xoxo

[MochiKamo 93]

I visited Japan 10 times in the last 2.5 years. My coping mechanism is going to take me to the poor house!

[Kimo3 3]

It's already been said that communication is key!

At one point, both of us were simply going through the same old grind, day in day out just waiting for the word. This is un-healthy.

We decided that we BOTH need to get out, have some fun with friends and live life during this! We talk EVERY NIGHT about life. Not only what's been going with both of us but what we're planning for when we are together again.

Don't forget to LAUGH! The topic of USCIS dragging their feet is going to come up... but there is too much about life to smile about (you're in LOVE right?) to let the entire conversation be depressing. I know hearing her laugh puts a smile on my face. How about you?

I know it's not always possible for people, but I picked up a second job the moment I got home after meeting her. I knew immediately I was going to be traveling to see her in Thailand and that it wouldn't be cheap. I keep these funds aside so I can secure my tickets AND spoil her from time to time with surprises. Like the valentines day gift... was PRICELESS! She was un-prepared and it shows in the picture they took of her. She's a little shy.. but I LOVE IT!

Sorry. didn't mean to ramble like that. Just hoping to present my idea.

[keysjangle 145]

Find something else to do with your time.

I've been long distance for years, so it's gotten very easy over time to not focus on being apart. You've made it this far, the rest should be easy.

Take your life day by day, don't focus on the future. Enjoy your time in the present, and do things that make you happy. Work hard in school, get important things off your to-do list. Things like that.

Something my mother taught me: nothing in life is permanent, and it can go as easily as it comes. If you don't make anything the centre of your universe, your life will not revolve around something that can disappear. Now, this isn't to say "stop caring about him so much" - You just have to find something which fulfills your 'soul' or wherever your identity lies - a place which is yours forever. When your life revolves around something external, the pain and disappointment that comes with it will always hit 10x harder. It's all you can think about, it turns into a weird obsession. Stay balanced, stay happy. I adopted this years ago, and separation still sucks, but I don't wallow in it. No more crying at airports even, just happy "see you laters" because we know we'll be back together soon

Edited January 22, 2011 by Gervl

[delidana 0]

Skype has been a lifesaver for us. We keep it on as much as possible, with 7 hour time difference, it is not easy but manageable. We spend all of Sunday together. We are up at odd times. He starts his Sunday at 12 am, 7 am my time. We stay glued to screen for hours on Sundays, and at least 2-4 hours everyday. We keep skype on while we are asleep, so that when the urge to see each other is unbearable we peek When I get home after work, I don't use the elevator, instead take the stairs so that I can start turning on my laptop to be signed on to Skype as soon as I walk in. We have dinner dates, movie dates, clean up around together, I teach him how to cook certain dishes, we play backgammon, read the news and send links to each other...

We send each other love letters, poems, jokes, songs... whatever we think will help brighten the day while one is sleeping, the other working. It's great to wake up and find messages in your mailbox, I suggest to do that as much as possible, it helps tremendously to keep the spirits up. Waking up to an empty room is the worst part!

I sometimes keep skype on while I work, we don't talk to not be distracted from work, but knowing we are a click away to see each other is also helpful.

Even then, it's not enough! No matter what you do, it doesn't replace the joy of being in each others presence, but it definitely helps ease the sadness.

This must sound crazy and impossible, the energy and attention it requires and time yo have to spend to do all that. But I guess all the cliche words of wisdom about love is true, it drives one to make things happen. I work 6 days a week, 9-5, sometimes longer hours at a very fast paced and demanding environment. But have no problem keeping up at all.

I have traveled between Virginia and Istanbul 4 times since August and am planning another visit in a few weeks. This is not easy to do for most of us, I get help from credit cards, but I think it's worth it and we'll work together to pay it off.

Also another suggestion is call each others family if possible, chatting with his family makes me feel connected and he does the same.

May patience rain on us like cats and dogs, we sure need it!

[Liam and Kara 6]

I am/was from the UK too and ironically started the process in Janurary as well, I am not going to tell you all will be easy and the wait won't be that bad, it is.....from start to finish took us 10 months to be together.

We initially started out on Skype 24/7 then we moved onto Magic Jack which saved us both a fortune, especially calling nearly 24/7, got USC(now wife)to send it to me which i set up as local USA number so calls cost nothing other than the yearly $20 equivalent.

I was fortunate enough that I changed my shift work to constantly be on the same hours as USA, DOWNSIDE BEING I WAS CONSTANT NIGHTSHIFT....but the good thing was we both were on the same timeline, we also arranged during the weekends to download movies on our pc and then call each other, click on start and then sit and watch the movies together through the night(UKtime) all the time working towards getting our stuff together, first USC gets her stuff together, then after a few months it is the NON USC to get the stuff together and honestly the process goes quicker towards the end....just think of what your goal is and where you want to be this time next year, I would suggest to save as much money as you can to get by when you get here and waiting for the work authorization card.....remember when you are both together you will look back on this time and it will be a distant memory that bonds you forever.

We sat on our porch in OUR new home and toasted a glass of wine with "we did it"

good luck guys.

[Alex~Alan 8]

Everything now seems so close, yet just that little bit too far away!

My Fiancee and I have now filed for our K-1, we put the package together in the first week of January off the back of a fantastic New Years in Las Vegas, and now we know what we plan to do over the coming years of my entry into the United States (Should and When they permit it).

So sat back in New Mexico, being over looked by a baby scorpion sat in the doorway we put our heads together and formed our plan. It's perfect, and straight forward; Get married in front of a Judge; File for my change in status; get driving; get bank accounts set up; start work; back to school (Since the US won't accept my UK degree); Then have the big family wedding/blessing!

However! I have hit a brick wall, I have a week now until I go back to work in the UK, sat here without the love of my life, with not alot to do. I had recently started a second degree with the Open University, but the path I chose involves Exams and another 3 modules once I finish the current one - but since I need to go back to school in the US do I continue with my OU course - It will take me another 18 Months to finish maybe longer!

Silly thing really, but that's my dilemma, I've usually been so strong with things, but being apart tears me apart as I live in a city with no Family and very few trust worthy friends.

We practically leave SKYPE on 24/7 when we are apart, but I'm just wishing this process would move faster - How do you guys do it? To say "keep busy" is easy when you don't know what people are going through - but you guys do know - well at least your foreign partners do.

So a question to the beneficiaries out there... How do you cope?

We cope by talking every day, usually a couple of times a day. We try not to obsess on the Visa time/process, as that can be frustrating. I get on here and read, although sometimes that makes me more uptight than if I had not. I like knowing what is coming up, so we can be as prepared as possible for what is next. I have been reading relationship-type books, and am compiling quotes, poems,lists etc. that have to do with healthy relationships. My thought is I will make my own self-help book with the information, and, it should be an easy source for both of us, once married to refer from time to time. It passes the time, is informative and enjoyable, and makes me feel closer to him.