Sending $$ to her family in VN

[Dau Que 6]

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/291307-filipina-wife-issuesadvice-please/

I know lots of folks in here will fall into the same pitfall.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/291307-filipina-wife-issuesadvice-please/

I know lots of folks in here will fall into the same pitfall.

Vietnamese families are as individual as American families. I think it's fair to say that most Vietnamese families are going to expect some help from their Viet Kieu relatives abroad, but exactly how much they expect and when they expect that help to come is going to vary a lot from one family to another.

My wife has never asked me to send regular remittances to her family in Vietnam, and there have only been a few times she asked if I could help when a specific situation comes up. I said "no" once because I couldn't afford it. She understood completely. We both do the budget, so she knows what everything costs and what we can afford at any given time.

My wife's family knows she's not working yet, and they know that if they ask her for money then they are effectively asking me for money. They don't ask unless they really need it, and then they ask all family members to help out - my wife, her uncle, her sister, her niece and nephew - everyone. We've had a few family meetings to figure out what everyone could contribute. Bear in mind that I'm the only person in the group with an income who is NOT Viet Kieu, so I know they're not targeting me because I'm an American, but are targeting all of us because we LIVE and WORK in America.

I also get less pressure because two of my wife's kids immigrated with her, so I'm already supporting part of her family on a continuous basis. For my wife, the benefits of moving to America weren't so much about being able to help her family who are still in Vietnam - they already have family in the US and other countries who can help them - it was about helping her kids to have a better future, and eventually her kids will also be able to help her family in Vietnam.

Again, every family is different. The exact same scenario as mine, but with a different Vietnamese family, might be completely different.

This is a subject that everyone should probably talk to their fiancee or wife about before they come to the US. As someone in that other thread mentioned, when you marry an Asian you are marrying their entire family. You should know what will be expected of you, and make it clear where the lines will be drawn, before they come to the US.

[cedwards001 18]

Jim makes a good point about when marrying an Asian, you are effectively marrying their entire family. I am half Irish and half Indonesian. My mother's side is the Asian side and her parents brought her to the US when she was a little girl. When I was a boy, I remember many debates between my parents about how much money to give to my mother's family during certain times of the year. It was almost as my dad was expected to send certain amounts throughout the year. As I got older, I learned that a lot of my mother's family members got into huge arguments over money. For example, one of my mom's uncles wanted to start a business and asked my mother to borrow some money. My mother was almost broke. My mother was unable to provide him the money and he let her have it. He told her she was a poor excuse for a family member because family should always help each other out.

Before the incident with my mom's uncle happened, my father wanted to start his own business selling insurance. The first thing that came out of my maternal grand parents mouths were "I just want to let you know that we already have insurance so we won't be buying any from you. Just so we are on the same page." They didn't help my dad when he was trying to start a business to prevent us from going homeless. Less then a year later, my mom's uncle wants to start a business of his own (coincidence?) and asks us for money while we are broke and questions my mother's family love when she can't give him money? #######???

Funny isn't it? Giving people money somehow makes you a good family member.....

I don't want to generalize about ALL Asians here, but on my Asian side of the family it is a simple math equation: FAMILY = MONEY

[Dau Que 6]

She "might" try to understand the situation with you because her immigration status is still NOT 100% completely independent yet. Once she obtains that perm 10-year GC or becomes a USC, you shall see her new attitude about who's more important, you or her family.

The reason I posted this thread because I think it's very closely related to the other thread "VNese women are bossy" in this sub-forum. Think about it, if you already admitted she's your boss, will you WIN if she wants to send $$ to her family in the future? (the amount that is beyond your budget and your will that is)

Edited January 19, 2011 by Dau Que

[Dau Que 6]

The board somehow doesn't allow me to edit so I add one more post.

Why do they (family relatives in VN) need your $$$? Are they handicapped? My folks worked 2, 3 jobs so they earned enough 40 Social Security credits for their retirement benefits and Medicare coverage. Then they have to work part-time after retirement for extra income. Who sends them money?

They need to think of sending money issue as "gifts". That is, it's never an obligation. They are our relatives, not our mortgage bankers, which require regular payments regardless of your financial standing.

[NQT1976 1]

don't send anybody a penny, they have their hand, why send them ?

[cedwards001 18]

The board somehow doesn't allow me to edit so I add one more post.

Why do they (family relatives in VN) need your $$$? Are they handicapped? My folks worked 2, 3 jobs so they earned enough 40 Social Security credits for their retirement benefits and Medicare coverage. Then they have to work part-time after retirement for extra income. Who sends them money?

They need to think of sending money issue as "gifts". That is, it's never an obligation. They are our relatives, not our mortgage bankers, which require regular payments regardless of your financial standing.

I agree 110% with you. They seem to think that because they are poor compared to our standards + the fact we are family now, that it gives them the right to constantly ask for money. I totally hate it.

My wife has asked me once so far to send money to her parents because we are "family" now and they are poor. I never sent them the money but nobody made a big deal out of it.....so far. I will see how things go in the next few years or so.

I just hate it how people use money as a factor of how good/bad a family member you are. That really grinds my gears.

[utst10 0]

If you have the mindset that if you married her you married the whole family then that's what you should do.

If you have the mindset that you married her to start a life together, then that's what you should do.

When I married my wife, we never really talked about money and family. But before we got married, I made sure she knows where I stand.

Her family never asked us for money...her mom and dad is not well off but make a decent living. Even when my wife wanted to send them money,

they said to keep it for the grand children! Her mom sacrifice a lot for the 2 daughters they had.

I am not sure about people saying "the family expects it". I think if you have come across as "the hero", then that's what they expect. If the mom and dad

truely love their daughter, seeing her happy is enough...like the mastercard commercial.

I will help her family, only when I want to and not when they ask for help (and they have learn the value of hard work and not asking for any help).

They are fully able to support themselves by getting up at 4 am and working to 3 pm each day.

Family values are strong in Vietnam but are not different from the US....it's the families that it for granted, wither US or Vietnam!

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

She "might" try to understand the situation with you because her immigration status is still NOT 100% completely independent yet. Once she obtains that perm 10-year GC or becomes a USC, you shall see her new attitude about who's more important, you or her family.

The reason I posted this thread because I think it's very closely related to the other thread "VNese women are bossy" in this sub-forum. Think about it, if you already admitted she's your boss, will you WIN if she wants to send $$ to her family in the future? (the amount that is beyond your budget and your will that is)

If she's got her own job by then, and is pulling in her own cash, then I have no problem with her sending as much money as she likes back to VN. If it's money from my paycheck, and I can afford it, then I don't have a problem with that, either. All of her family in the US does it. She's got three uncles here in the US, and all of them send money back to VN. Her sister lives here, and she sends money back. Her nieces and nephews and cousins do the same. None of them are skipping the mortgage payment or starving their own kids just to send money back to VN, and I seriously doubt my wife would insist we send money we can't afford to Vietnam. You don't cook the goose that lays the golden eggs just because you're hungry.

Like I said, I'm the only one of the bunch who isn't Viet Kieu, and I see what all of the other families are doing, and she's got a really big extended family here. At the last annual family reunion there were nearly 100 people packed into her uncle's back yard. I've been to three of those annual reunions now, two before my wife even got here. I think I've got a pretty good sense what's expected of me and my wife just from seeing what's expected from every other family in this group.

The three times I was asked to help were situations I considered genuine emergencies. In one case, my mother-in-law's home was severely damaged by a typhoon, and needed a new roof. I put up the bulk of the cash, and my wife's niece paid for the rest. In the other two cases, a family member had died, and money was needed to help out with requisite funeral and to help out the surviving family members. I said "no" one time because my budget was tight, and they were getting enough help from other family members so my assistance wasn't really missed.

I think you're missing the cultural aspect of this, and seeing it as greedy family members always looking for a hand out. You're missing the big picture. Families in VN take care of each other. When someone in the family is worse off then the rest then they pitch in to help them out. When a family member moves to a first world country then that family member is in a position to help more than the ones who are still in Vietnam. When a sizable portion of the family has moved to a first world country then that entire portion of the family is in a better position to help out. That family obligation isn't broken just because they've moved half way around the world. The primary difference between them and an American family is that an American family wouldn't expect a relative to ask for help unless they were desperate, and tried everything else. Americans expect their relatives to be independent. VN families expect to help and be helped all the time.

In the thread you linked to, I don't know if that was a "normal" Filipino family situation, or they were just being greedy. I don't know enough about Filipino culture, or that particular family, to be able to make a judgment call. I'm also not saying that there aren't VN families who would be greedy, and expect regular hand-outs just because they have a family member in the US. I do know my wife's family pretty well, and they don't seem dissimilar to other VN families I've met.

The board somehow doesn't allow me to edit so I add one more post.

Why do they (family relatives in VN) need your $$$? Are they handicapped? My folks worked 2, 3 jobs so they earned enough 40 Social Security credits for their retirement benefits and Medicare coverage. Then they have to work part-time after retirement for extra income. Who sends them money?

They need to think of sending money issue as "gifts". That is, it's never an obligation. They are our relatives, not our mortgage bankers, which require regular payments regardless of your financial standing.

They don't need the money to survive. Usually, it's the difference between surviving and being comfortable, and it doesn't take much in VN to make someone comfortable.

Geez, I got grown kids who were born and raised in the US. When they run into money problems they call me or their mom for help. My oldest son is a bit of a loser, and he calls me every couple of months with a new "emergency". I'm actually kind of thankful my wife's family in Vietnam doesn't have problems nearly as often.

[BinhJerome 14]

I wanted to throw my two cents into this conversation. I do not like it when any family member "expects" anything, but guess what they are family, and if I can help them, I will gladly help them. My wifes family has never asked for money, granted I am living here in Vietnam, but that is the funny part. I have more money to spend here working as a teacher than I did in America, and this is with supporting my wife here. When MY mother needed money for a lawyer to get a divorce, I asked my wife and she said she is family, and had no problems at all sending her 2k for the lawyer. So it is a two way street, those people that refuse to help family when they can help, to me are well, that is another topic, and subject all together. The point is that Vietnamese culture is set to help family, and family is family, here or there. My mother had a stroke, and my wifes mother keeps trying to get my mom to move here so she can help take care of her. This is not some ploy to get money from my mom, it is just the way my wifes family is. If someone gets hurt and is in the hospital, it is not "Who's turn is it to go sit with the hurt person?" it is " I will go there now, and then the next person says I will go there at 5:00" and so on. So it is fair to say that if her mother needed money that we would help, and I guarentee that if we needed help they would help us if they could as well.

Regardless of a 10 year GC or not, family is family, and another major point is simple. If everyone on the planet would help family and friends when they could the entire world would be a better place. Regardless of if you do or if you dont send money, just remember one thing, where will you be when you need something, and you were always the person that refused to help others when you could???? Jerome

[hniHnitsuJ 8]

I only send money back on TET (Chinese New Year) for a GIFT.

[What's next 1]

So my wife called home to VN the other day, her oldest sister ask her when she's sending money home so that she can have spending money for Tet. My wife and I already agreed that we were not going to send money for Tet this year. But the fact that the sister in law just assumed we were going to rubbed me the wrong way. Not angry and PO'ed, just a bit annoyed.

I still don't understand how her family servives. I get that they don't have a mortgage. But no one works in that family. Everyone is perfectly capable of working, but no one has a job. It boggles my mind.

We normally send money home twice a year, Tet and in the fall for her mom's memorial. 500 each time. I just don't know how they survive. That money isn't going to last that long. I will not send them money just for living expenses (food, utilities, gas, etc). Medical emergencies are fine, I have no problems shelling out for that.

And it's not like they are living off bags of noodles. Seems like they eat well, have internet, cable tv. I don't know how they do it.

[NQT1976 1]

So my wife called home to VN the other day, her oldest sister ask her when she's sending money home so that she can have spending money for Tet. My wife and I already agreed that we were not going to send money for Tet this year. But the fact that the sister in law just assumed we were going to rubbed me the wrong way. Not angry and PO'ed, just a bit annoyed.

I still don't understand how her family servives. I get that they don't have a mortgage. But no one works in that family. Everyone is perfectly capable of working, but no one has a job. It boggles my mind.

We normally send money home twice a year, Tet and in the fall for her mom's memorial. 500 each time. I just don't know how they survive. That money isn't going to last that long. I will not send them money just for living expenses (food, utilities, gas, etc). Medical emergencies are fine, I have no problems shelling out for that.

And it's not like they are living off bags of noodles. Seems like they eat well, have internet, cable tv. I don't know how they do it.

In Vietnam, nobody want to know where you got the money; money in your pocket is yours no matter you rob it from bank or rob from old man.

most of family in Vietnam has no job, but they still live very well and the youth go to coffee-shop twice a day wonder where do they got the money ? they still survived.

they may sell lottery ticket for living, they can be a hooker for living... If I was living in Vietnam I'm sure will selling lottery ticket for a living cauz all properties from my family being robbed by the VC 35 years ago

your wife family still in luck cuz they have a girl live in US who can help them continue surviving

[Dau Que 6]

If they don't work and still have the money to spend, then call them one day and say this....................

The economy really stinks over here in the US and I just got unemployed. I know (from my wife) that you all have lots of 24K gold in reserve at home. That's how you're able to live without any actual employment. How about send us 5 Luong/cay so we won't foreclose on our mortgage? It's called "reversed mortgage".

Too funny and ironic when thinking about this, don't you agree?

PS> Then, we shall know who really is FAMILY (willing to help you when in need), and who is NOT.

Edited January 21, 2011 by Dau Que

[vietazn 1]

If they don't work and still have the money to spend, then call them one day and say this....................

The economy really stinks over here in the US and I just got unemployed. I know (from my wife) that you all have lots of 24K gold in reserve at home. That's how you're able to live without any actual employment. How about send us 5 Luong/cay so we won't foreclose on our mortgage? It's called "reversed mortgage".

Too funny and ironic when thinking about this, don't you agree?

PS> Then, we shall know who really is FAMILY (willing to help you when in need), and who is NOT.

Good point. Don't have problem sending money for people who really need it. But there are a lot of people in Vietnam milking Viet Kieu family, while not attempting to make a living and/or sitting on land, cash, and gold and splurging.