Filipina wife issues....advice please...

[ThomKimQC 14]

i am a Filipina and soon to get married... and my soon to be husband supporting me but just for m and my son..and in fact i refused at first because i can still support my son and myself.but i had to stop working(i worked in the other city) and stayed at home since we are waiting for my NOA2.. my family has a good source of living.. all siblings are educated and has good job and make good money. i am hurt and get offended when people generalized things regarding how and what Filipina are. i just feel bad about it..because it gives bad impression to other foreigners .. and they would think Filipina are just using them. and calling all the petitioner,it's not bad to help but don't let them abused you. ..i am sorry i just feel bad about all this... very devastating specially i am a Filipina.

I understand your message because I am a USC having a filipina fiancee and I heard a lot of negative things involving dating filipina and their entire family, but the good thing about my Kim is that she did everything she could to take care of her family before me and when we met she worked hard very late in the evening to make money to support her daughter and family until one night she was attacked by a taxi driver and he tried to force himself on her since he was hopped up on drugs. I realized then that I had to step in and take her mind off of working so much and just relax take it easy while we go thru this visa together so I told her to stay home and enjoy those final days in Phils with her family and I supported her since I proposed in June 2010. I have sent her roughly $400-500 USD every month to take care of her daughter and family and I encouraged her to maintain her friends and have girls nite out every now and then my treat because I want her to relax and concentrate on visa and preparing for life here. Now when I send money to Kim I know she helps her family out with the bills and all and I dont have a problem with that at all. Being a man who have being blessed to be able to travel back and forth to Phils several times in my life time thus far I have come accustomed to the filipino culture and I can tell you filipina's are the glue that holds families together more so than filipino's in my experience. I worry at times if I am being to generous with the money because I have sacrificed my living here in US just so I can send to her.I just do not want any problems to service want she gets here because as of today none of her family members ever asked me for money I have always volunteered, but I will admit my financial help has changed their lives somewhat.

[ThomKimQC 14]

its been a while since i got on this subforum,but damn nothing has changed.i think UN should pass a law by which all the pinay women and pinay dating websites have to state that you will be held responsible by your wife regarding supporting her family.

thats the way it is,its wrong,you should have sent anything from the beginning,but now that youre in it,youre in it for good.the only chance you have is explaining to your wife that the only way she can support her family from the states is that she work and send back her paycheck,end of discussion.

LOL! I tend to blame the senior pensioners galavanting with pinay over half their age...boy do those guys set the bar high for the rest of us

[ThomKimQC 14]

******Okay everyone update*******

I am sorry for the mistake in my typing of K1 visa I meant K3, my bad. It was filed through the US Embassy in Seoul Korea and processed successfully.

Second, since I have been reading peoples replies and comments on my topic. and thank you for taking the time to reply...it has helped alot.

I sat down with my wife yesterday, and had a discussion.

I explained to her that I work very hard everyday in the military for our families money, and I feel like a BANK to her family. And it is going to stop immediatley. I explained that I offered to send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks but it wasnt good enough for them...so since they werent willing to take the help I could give them there would be NO help. I refused to send another penny to them. They were fine without me before i came into their daughters life and will find a way to survive. I explained its time for her brothers to get a job and become men....they will never be famous dancers and need to grow up..(yes they were in a dance crew that has never danced for anyone except family members). During our discussion she explained to me she was never mad at me, just the situation that she put into by her family...and she found out her dad had not been working at all since i started helping them. also her mother had opened up a small store and it went under because she gave people in the community a TAB. And she did this with my money.

I became furious, I almost lost my cool...but kept it until her BROTHER sent a message to my cellphone calling me cheap and too lazy to take care of my wifes family. I got mad, and yes I called the house and spoke to her brother and explained to him he needs to learn respect, and to grow up...or become homeless bc I refused to send them any money...not even for birthdays or holidays until they respected me as a son in law, a person and as a working man.

He rattled off in tagalog and hung up. Her mom has since begged her to TAKE my debit card and send money for the electricity bill and motorcyle payment....WHEN THE HECK DID THEY GET A MOTORCYCLE...i sure knew nothing about it and my wife was pretty upset they bought one also.

but as of now they know where they stand with me, and even my wife refuses to respond to their pleas....I told her it was time to become a WOMAN and to think about her family that is coming along.

Things at the house have been much better the last couple days, more at ease....no fighting...just us watching movies together and going to dinner...thank you everyone for the advice it helped ALOT!

Judging from your reaction you did not know about the motorcycle payment? My goodness that is classic...I am a starving part time hobby screen writer and some of this stuff on VJ you just can't make it up

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

So, we get a message yesterday from the wife's niece saying she needs about $350 for nursing school by next Friday. The niece is the oldest of her brother's seven kids. My brother-in-law is already in the US, living with another Pinay, while the wife is back in the Philippines taking care of five of the seven kids, while my wife's parents take care of the other two, including the afore mentioned niece.

This is all just background. Now, in the middle of the night, the wife wakes up screaming, and tells me about her dream.

We are walking through the jungle, when we are surrounded by Amazon Warriors. You know the type, fierce looking, scantily clad, large breasted women holding spears. One women tells her, "You okay. You can go. But not your husband. We don't like men."

They grab me, strip off my cloths. They easily pick me up, and lay me face up on a table, holding me down, arms and legs spread. One warrior pulls out a knife, raises it over her head, and as she brings down, intending to sever my manhood from the rest of my body, the wife screams and wakes up.

What does this all mean?

seems like an omen - i'd suggest either send the money quickly or hide all the sharp objects in the house.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

seems like an omen - i'd suggest either send the money quickly or hide all the sharp objects in the house.

I do have a pair of Kevlar® shorts.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

That's the way we do it, but the wife wants to be able to keep some of her paycheck for herself, not send it all back to her lazy, worthless family.

isnt that exactly how the american man thinks?and its alright if he ignores his feelings to support the people he has known for such short time and doesnt care about ( lets be honest,no one cares about their inlaws the way they do for their wife or husband )?

thats the argument i would use to win over them.

honestly i consider myself lucky.i have met and lived with pinay women ( my uncle married one and she pretty much raised me for a couple of years ) but i never witnessed any of this mambo jambo among them

[Vizcayana 4]

I am glad I have a family who is so contented on a simple but decent meal.

They never pressure me to ask money from my husband who is a US citizen.

And I never ask money from him, I just wait for him to send me, whatever amount, I don't complain.

On being a wife of an American Citizen, it is our due responsibility to washed off the Filipino mentality from the minds of our relatives. Helping isnt bad but it is couple with limitations. Give room to our family to stand on their own feet not to depend on someoneelse's pocket. Where's the dignity of your soul?

Think of our own family now (you and your husband and your future kids).

[Richie Rich 70]

So, we get a message yesterday from the wife's niece saying she needs about $350 for nursing school by next Friday. The niece is the oldest of her brother's seven kids. My brother-in-law is already in the US, living with another Pinay, while the wife is back in the Philippines taking care of five of the seven kids, while my wife's parents take care of the other two, including the afore mentioned niece.

This is all just background. Now, in the middle of the night, the wife wakes up screaming, and tells me about her dream.

We are walking through the jungle, when we are surrounded by Amazon Warriors. You know the type, fierce looking, scantily clad, large breasted women holding spears. One women tells her, "You okay. You can go. But not your husband. We don't like men."

They grab me, strip off my cloths. They easily pick me up, and lay me face up on a table, holding me down, arms and legs spread. One warrior pulls out a knife, raises it over her head, and as she brings down, intending to sever my manhood from the rest of my body, the wife screams and wakes up.

What does this all mean?

It means that you will loose yr manhood

[Richie Rich 70]

I am sorry to hear about your situation . I guess my fiancee is totally different from the stories I read and heard about ''marrying into the family ''. My Fiancee does not ask me for a penny and in fact I have to beg her to accept some gifts and money that I give to her from time to time . Her family is middle class and well educated .I guess I am just lucky to marry into this family .

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I am sorry to hear about your situation . I guess my fiancee is totally different from the stories I read and heard about ''marrying into the family ''. My Fiancee does not ask me for a penny and in fact I have to beg her to accept some gifts and money that I give to her from time to time . Her family is middle class and well educated .I guess I am just lucky to marry into this family .

It's a fine balance, between letting her feel good about taking care of her family, and not letting her family take advantage of us. She has not figured out yet how to tell her parents that they will not be coming to live with us, as in the wife and me.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Wow, what a thread! I have to say, I agree with all of it!! When I proposed to my fiancee, I asked her to quit her job in Korea to move back to the PI for the visa process, but since she was sending money home for her family to live on, I felt it was my place to support her. So I have been sending money to her ever since. More than some, but I am sure not as much as others send. BLUF, I send it, neither she nor her family has EVER asked for it. And knowing them as I have come to, I doubt they ever WOULD ask for it, unless it was an emergency. And when she gets a job in the US, I am sure she will send some money to her family, but she will most likely never ask me to. And therein lies the difference... her family is poor but proud, and I think they would rather do without than beg or "expect" someone to support them.

It's Filipino culture to care for your family. Hell, it's LOTS of cultures that do it, not so much in America though. I knew that when I met my girl, and even though I offered to send her money, she does not like it, and I know she will go to school or work as soon as possible to make money and life better for she and I as well as her parents. If you marry a Filipina, you just have to understand that supporting Nanay and Tatay is normal. Not saying it should break your bank, but it's a cultural norm.

It's hard to say how best to handle the difference between you and your spouse, but I would encourage you to review all the changes she has made to be with you, how much she has accepted your culture, and see if you can find it in your heart to at least understand hers. Not saying you have to agree with all of it, but at least accept it as part of her genetic makeup. Their culture is not perfect, neither is ours. Your (both of you) willingness to find a happy middle ground is where it's at. Just as any other marital spat, there is no "he's right, she's wrong" in a situation like this.

If she insists on sending money home, and you can't see it as affordable now, then I strongly encourage her to find a job to help out. Then she has the added benefit of helping, plus feeling good that SHE did it, it's not a free-load deal.

At any rate, good luck working it out. Just remember how "worth it" she was when you were going thru the whole visa process... she is still the same person she was back then. Anything (or anyone) worth having is worth working for. And sometimes, work requires sacrifice...

[rlogan 2,036]

I'm not sure the Filipino culture of reciprocal support within the extended family is properly represented in this question often enough.

The moment it becomes one-sided it is no longer the Filipino cultural model.

The model is reciprocity. It is a mutual support network. Forget about Americanos for a moment. If a Filipino family is always giving labor and money to an Uncle's family and all the family gets in return is arrogance and ingratitude then that's a problem. That isn't the Filipino way.

Because there is an ocean between us, my wife can't have her sisters or cousins take care of our kids while we run off and play together. They'd be happy to do that for us but they can't. They are my work crew/bodyguards when I am over there, but they can't do that right now either.

So the Filipino model works better with us there because they can reciprocate in so many ways they can't with us in the USA.

If you do wish to help the family financially and if you live only in the USA I guess you are automatically in violation of the Filipino cultural model and there is danger of things going awry.

It is understandable why an americano would see this as "you support her family" instead of "families support each other". It's too bad. Because it isn't the Filipino way.

[graceroxas 17]

I'm not sure the Filipino culture of reciprocal support within the extended family is properly represented in this question often enough.

The moment it becomes one-sided it is no longer the Filipino cultural model.

The model is reciprocity. It is a mutual support network. Forget about Americanos for a moment. If a Filipino family is always giving labor and money to an Uncle's family and all the family gets in return is arrogance and ingratitude then that's a problem. That isn't the Filipino way.

Because there is an ocean between us, my wife can't have her sisters or cousins take care of our kids while we run off and play together. They'd be happy to do that for us but they can't. They are my work crew/bodyguards when I am over there, but they can't do that right now either.

So the Filipino model works better with us there because they can reciprocate in so many ways they can't with us in the USA.

Yeah, it would be interesting to know the experiences of Western expats married to locals with their spouses' extended kin, especially when there are kids in the marriage. It might shine a whole different light on the situation.

Also, this is a country where being an OFW (overseas Filipino worker) is the chief means of economic advancement. Many young women with limited education and job prospects, going abroad to marry some foreigner, might otherwise be applying for a job in the Middle East or neighboring Asian countries to earn dollars.

For sure, there can be true affection involved, but this situation can make for some distorted expectations on the part of the woman's family or the woman herself.

Grace

[Dan and Judy 614]

So, we get a message yesterday from the wife's niece saying she needs about $350 for nursing school by next Friday. The niece is the oldest of her brother's seven kids. My brother-in-law is already in the US, living with another Pinay, while the wife is back in the Philippines taking care of five of the seven kids, while my wife's parents take care of the other two, including the afore mentioned niece.

This is all just background. Now, in the middle of the night, the wife wakes up screaming, and tells me about her dream.

We are walking through the jungle, when we are surrounded by Amazon Warriors. You know the type, fierce looking, scantily clad, large breasted women holding spears. One women tells her, "You okay. You can go. But not your husband. We don't like men."

They grab me, strip off my cloths. They easily pick me up, and lay me face up on a table, holding me down, arms and legs spread. One warrior pulls out a knife, raises it over her head, and as she brings down, intending to sever my manhood from the rest of my body, the wife screams and wakes up.

What does this all mean?

Scantily clad, large breasted women stripping your clothes off? It's time to admit that this was your dream and it was your own screams that woke you up.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Scantily clad, large breasted women stripping your clothes off? It's time to admit that this was your dream and it was your own screams that woke you up.

If I had that dream, it would my wife threatening my manhood when I wake up. She gets jealous even of the women in my dreams.

Edited April 4, 2011 by Some Old Guy