Filipina wife issues....advice please...

[Marzy 1]

We agreed that if she wants to send money home, she can get a job. But, she doesn't want to send all her money home.

While she was living in the Philippines, she worked to send her two brothers and sister to school. She helped with the bills, and after coming home from work, she scrubbed pots and pans for the family restaurant. All those years of working, and she didn't get to spend any of it on herself.

I am the bad guy, when the family complains it is not enough. It is never enough. That is fine with me, and she finally gets to spend some of the money she earns, on things she wants for herself.

And, it will not end there. Wait until the parents and the rest of the family want to join her in America. That happens once she becomes a citizen. We have talked about that already, but she hasn't told her family, yet. That should be interesting when that conversation finally happens.

If you don't like drama, you should never marry Pinay.

You're definitely right. However, I heard so many terrifying stories about extended families in US. I rather not to say anything about it.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Kigle

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

You're definitely right. However, I heard so many terrifying stories about extended families in US. I rather not to say anything about it.

Yep. Lucky for me, I have learned from the mistakes of others, or so I hope. Of course, I already made the first mistake...on my own...with full knowledge of the consequences...

Edited February 25, 2011 by Some Old Guy

[rlogan 2,036]

I am the bad guy, when the family complains it is not enough.

This is the magic of the manipulator.

No matter what you do for them, they turn it around into you being the bad guy.

It is never enough.

Which is why, if you are going to help them, it is not their choice to make. They get what you give, and that's the end of it.

[Theresa0828 65]

Hi Scot,

I am a filipina and i am sorry about your situation... I think the first mistake you made is you let them get used to the $350 every 2 weeks... This enables them to change their lifestyle and made them believe that their daughter/sister hit a jackpot. I am ashamed to admit coz I am also a Filipino but for some people here, if you give a hand, they will want your entire arm...

I fully understand your predicament, I am working here in Manila and my family is in the province, me and my sister in japan supports our mother monthly, for the house, her medicines etc... my mom is 74 yrs old. I supported my younger brother when he was in college but when he graduated, i stopped and told him that he is on his own... it is tough for me, to say NO but i did... i felt the guilt but when i talked to my younger brother... he understand and even apologize to me for supporting him for several years (he took his time in college, went to 3 schools and changed courses, whew!). My older brother is out of job with 2 little kids but they make ends met with a small store in their house. I sent money for my nephews on occasions like birthdays, boy scout camping and stuff for school openings.

At first my Mom do not understand my situation, she was so used to the money coming in, without even asking how i am, do i still have enough left for me... stuff like that. Then I opened up my situation (not easy being alone in Manila) and my sister's situation also (she has 2 kids in Japan and she is divorced so its not easy for her too), then we set up how much she really needs in a month... just hers, not my brothers or my nephews, then that's what we send to her every month, now if she choose to give to my brothers with that money... then its up to her... but that's no longer mine or my sister's business... its hers.

I told my fiancee what I need to send my Mom money, coz i will never stop sending her what we agreed, and he said its no problem (we agreed on $150 a month), and when I get there and find a job, I told him it will no longer be his problem...

as for my brothers, i told them that America is not a land of milk and honey... and even if you earn so much you also spend so much... i have some problems with extended family asking for money... but i can always say NO to them because my immediate family do not owe the extended family a thing. I have no "utang na loob" or what we called "debt of gratitude" that i owe them...

Talk to your wife... hold her hand when you are talking to her... if she refuse to listen the first time, be patient... talk to her again... just don't make it to a point that you two are shouting at each other... she will be a Mom soon, she will understand this at the perfect time...

Theresa

[steve311 0]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

[Jadsdad02 0]

how old your wife? maybe she didnt understand what the real life here in america, sending money to her family is not that bad, but if you can afford it, try to explain to her that your priority is her and your son, and need to educate her family to stand to thier own feet, not to spoiled them, because later on they gonna blame you both when the time you dont have money to send them..

[PhilAmTx 14]

It is true. When you marry the Filipina, you marry the entire (extended) family. One needs to decide if he wants to sign on for this. It makes for tough sledding at times. In the end, only you can decide if itz worth it. Good luck!

i am a Filipina and soon to get married... and my soon to be husband supporting me but just for m and my son..and in fact i refused at first because i can still support my son and myself.but i had to stop working(i worked in the other city) and stayed at home since we are waiting for my NOA2.. my family has a good source of living.. all siblings are educated and has good job and make good money. i am hurt and get offended when people generalized things regarding how and what Filipina are. i just feel bad about it..because it gives bad impression to other foreigners .. and they would think Filipina are just using them. and calling all the petitioner,it's not bad to help but don't let them abused you. ..i am sorry i just feel bad about all this... very devastating specially i am a Filipina.

[PhilAmTx 14]

my sympathy to you my friend I'm sorry you have to deal with those things...sad but that is really the reality here in the Philippines. You're lucky if you'll find a girl here who would understand that once you marry her it doesn't mean you're married to her entire clan and that you need to provide for them. I guess just talk to her again and if she's capable of working then maybe she could work so it's not only you who will shoulder everything. I hope you'll fix everything between the two of you and that it will save your marriage. Good luck!!!

hmmmm my hubby is lucky then

[extremerecluse 32]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

If she gets you into that FIX then it is she who must get you out of that fix. Responsibility is learned, not taught. Allow her to muck things up for you. Only she will be to blame. She will then learn from these blunders. Keep some money stashed away to be safe. But allow her to do as she wishes and then when you don't have enough money to eat, it will then dawn on her what is her true responsibility. Especially when you get called into your commanders office for bouncing all those checks. Let her learn for herself what could potentially happen.

[mjaye65 5]

Hello All,

My lady's extended family has never been an issue. One pair / couple as friends has been a few times. Last year I paid a medical bill for their daughter, who was admitted to the hospital for asthma attack, I paid the hospital and took him to a local pharmacy to get the breathing treatment she needed. Three days later they came and asked for rent money which I refused I said I helped the daughter for an immediate need.

Then back in December the day after we went to dinner together he text my lady and asked that I pay the other half of a agency fee so his wife could go overseas. She just wrote back a single word no.

She could of kept it a secret but she told me the question and the answer.

I have helped the mother over the past year but she has never asked we just gave what we could from time to time

[DouglasFiel 53]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

First,, Not time for a history lesson,,, but, I do have a lot of experience in dealing with money and the Philippines.

In your situation, there IS an obligation, implied, moral or otherwise felt by your wife (As she is the eldest)

to raise up her siblings... That said, I offer a simple solution.

Once your financial obligations are met with your immediate family... Assuming, there is some additional funds available.

Offer to REPLACE her earning potential you removed from her extended family. For example my current wife was an RN in the

Philippines. She could make 10-15k Pesos per month. Assuming she gave 100% of that to her extended family... I am

comfortable giving "Income Replacement" without much additional thought. And, when she starts earning her own paycheck we

will balance her need to help her extended family and our immediate family.

That is my thought process. Hope it helps somewhat.

regards,

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

So, we get a message yesterday from the wife's niece saying she needs about $350 for nursing school by next Friday. The niece is the oldest of her brother's seven kids. My brother-in-law is already in the US, living with another Pinay, while the wife is back in the Philippines taking care of five of the seven kids, while my wife's parents take care of the other two, including the afore mentioned niece.

This is all just background. Now, in the middle of the night, the wife wakes up screaming, and tells me about her dream.

We are walking through the jungle, when we are surrounded by Amazon Warriors. You know the type, fierce looking, scantily clad, large breasted women holding spears. One women tells her, "You okay. You can go. But not your husband. We don't like men."

They grab me, strip off my cloths. They easily pick me up, and lay me face up on a table, holding me down, arms and legs spread. One warrior pulls out a knife, raises it over her head, and as she brings down, intending to sever my manhood from the rest of my body, the wife screams and wakes up.

What does this all mean?

[thelastpetitioner 218]

So, we get a message yesterday from the wife's niece saying she needs about $350 for nursing school by next Friday. The niece is the oldest of her brother's seven kids. My brother-in-law is already in the US, living with another Pinay, while the wife is back in the Philippines taking care of five of the seven kids, while my wife's parents take care of the other two, including the afore mentioned niece.

This is all just background. Now, in the middle of the night, the wife wakes up screaming, and tells me about her dream.

We are walking through the jungle, when we are surrounded by Amazon Warriors. You know the type, fierce looking, scantily clad, large breasted women holding spears. One women tells her, "You okay. You can go. But not your husband. We don't like men."

They grab me, strip off my cloths. They easily pick me up, and lay me face up on a table, holding me down, arms and legs spread. One warrior pulls out a knife, raises it over her head, and as she brings down, intending to sever my manhood from the rest of my body, the wife screams and wakes up.

What does this all mean?

i was expecting something else more in the alley of sodomy

[thelastpetitioner 218]

its been a while since i got on this subforum,but damn nothing has changed.i think UN should pass a law by which all the pinay women and pinay dating websites have to state that you will be held responsible by your wife regarding supporting her family.

thats the way it is,its wrong,you should have sent anything from the beginning,but now that youre in it,youre in it for good.the only chance you have is explaining to your wife that the only way she can support her family from the states is that she work and send back her paycheck,end of discussion.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

now that youre in it,youre in it for good.the only chance you have is explaining to your wife that the only way she can support her family from the states is that she work and send back her paycheck,end of discussion.

That's the way we do it, but the wife wants to be able to keep some of her paycheck for herself, not send it all back to her lazy, worthless family.