Filipina wife issues....advice please...

[timcass_12 5]

Glad to hear about your decision. It was very timely and you should be proud of yourself

Generally speaking, people in the Philippines think that when you're in the US you are "RICH" but that's not the case and they will never ever understand it unless they experienced life in here. I remember talking to my family even before I married my USC husband that things will definitely change and that they have to find ways to support themselves because we are gonna be starting a family of our own and they shouldn't expect too much from us especially when it comes to finances. They didn't took it negatively and instead everyone started contributing to fill in the gap I made by finishing their studies and eventually finding a job and this is what your wife's family should do.

I'm not sure if your wife will be working but in my case, I told my family that we'll only be able to give them some assistance if we have "extra money" or if we get ourselves situated and is earning enough to provide for everyone. I was actually surprised when they told me that it's not necessary and that we are not obligated at all to finance their lives. I hope your wife's family realize how much you've helped them and with all the money you've sent, the only thing that they should really be saying is THANK YOU and that they APPRECIATE everything you've done.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Post containing personal attack, thus violating TOS, has been removed . You can disagree with the contents of a post without attacking the poster.

[James and Cynthia 70]

Divorce

Then get back to PI

Follow my Guidelines for meeting woman in Philippines:

Don't marry a girl from a dirt poor family

Don't marry and uneducated girl, find one with a degree so she can help make you lots of money in the USA

Don't marry a girl with a child

I would keep age range btw 18 and 26, that way she doesn't have any bad habits you need to break

Don't meet someone via the internet, meet them face to face in their Philippines.

Wow. Based on your theory, I'm in real trouble. My fiancee has a dirt poor family, she is uneducated, and has a child. However, she is the right age according to you, and I did meet her in person.

Tell you the truth, I didn't find her by looking. I just got lucky when our paths crossed. I'm not going to marry her, or not marry her, for any of the reasons you mentioned. I'm going to marry her because we love each other and things are great between us. That's all that matters in my book. I'm educated and make a whole lot of money. However, being recently divorced, things will be pretty tight for several years. Her family being poor is nothing more than a bump in the road sometimes, just like the many other bumps we'll hit. They ask for money sometimes and she either tells them no without me, or her and I talk about it and say no together, or we mutually agree to help. My money is now hers. I respect her desire to help them, but only as needed and when they aren't using us.

OP. Great job at being firm. Thanks for posting your story and the follow up. Your story and the responses received really helped us, and hopefully others too, keep the money issue as a bump in the road and nothing more. Wow. A new motorcycle with payments? What nerve. Good luck to them paying for it now. I'm glad you and your wife are doing good now.

I love my poor uneducated filipina, and her daughter.

-James

-James

[Pinay Wife 47]

I just read the following from this month's issue of Reader's Digest:

When we see people acting in abusive, arrogant, or demeaning manner toward others, their behavior almost always is a symptom of their lack of self-esteem. They need to put someone down to feel good about themselves.

This "don't marry a poor Filipina" was already discussed about two years ago in the PI forum.

Click link below, post #35 (and have fun!!! )

http://www.visajourn...ld/page__st__20

Edited January 23, 2011 by Pinay Wife

[JoBri 548]

I am thankful that from practically day one my wife knew I was poor. She is the one who had to pay for my visit to the Philippines, for the hotel, etc. She did so out of love, knowing that I could not afford it and that it would be "forever" before i could.

My wife left a very good job as principal of an elementary school to come to be with me, knowing in advance that I dont earn much at my job. She never asks for money. She got a job as soon as she was able so that she could help contribute to our expenses. She always is so giving. We make it with both our incomes. She understands that Americans are not all rich, that we get paid more but that the costs of living are so huge compared to the Philippines too. I think I am the most blessed American on visajourney. My wife is beautiful in heart and soul as well as outwardly, a great mother to our son that God blessed us with, and a gift of a wife to me.

Every day in prayers together I thank God for her, for our son, for our family, for our love.

Brian in Tennessee

[Gumbolette 58]

ive already told her i will not send any money for any reason, i dont pay for my parents medical care and i wont for hers. they are cut off for life in my book.

First of all, I would like to commend you for following the great advices of our fellows here and truly did the right thing.

Everyone has their own "BREAKING POINT" Even Mother Teresa must have had one. And you have reached yours. This is one big lesson to each and everyone of us that taking advantage of something/ Someone will not do any good to us. Being married with someone from the United States is not something to be boastful of, change anything from before and even now. It's about you and your wife building a FAMILY TOGETHER not building and "supporting" others while both of you are struggling. A lift must only be given in times of difficulty not handing everything to them in a silver platter.

Its like default thing that once a filipina is married to a Kano, the family of the filipina thinks they just won a lottery. Which is a sad connotation but true. Even a lottery winnings must be spent wisely.

If the "help" was fully discussed and handled properly, the family relationship between you and your wife's would not be tragic as it is now. The good thing is, you and your wife has lighten the load so both of you can focus in more important things like preparing yourselves for the baby. (Congratulations!!!)

Stick to your actions of not giving them anything. If you slack on that, they will think you gullible. Both sides has learned a lesson. Let's leave it like that.

Edited January 23, 2011 by Cutie_Patootie

[joyjohn 18]

As everyone else has said, stick to your grounds on this one. If she really loves you, then things will work out without sending money.

I send money to my fiancee too, but only what I can afford. But that's mainly because she has a daughter and she had to give up her job in Taiwan so that we could complete her visa process. If it wasn't for the CSC taking so long, she would have been fine without my help. She rarely asks for money, usually waiting for me to offer instead. She's always telling her family no when they ask her to ask me for money. One time I was asked to help her family with a medical bill for her grandma, but I really couldn't afford it then and had to say no. She completely understood and everything went on with our relationship as normal. She was actually very shy for asking me and felt bad, thinking I would be mad or something. No way could I be mad at her. I knew it was only her family pressuring her, and that they would make due without my help. I am so happy that she didn't give me the same pressure back. I really love her for that.

I'm sorry your wife is giving you the guilt treatment. I think sending $750 a month is way too much, especially on a regular basis. Unfortunately, this has led to an unrealistic expectation on their part. I certainly hope you can get your wife to understand and you can overcome this issue.

-James

i whole heartly agree....iam so thankful for my wife on this view point....this one thing has destroyed so many marriages.......stand your ground,

[joyjohn 18]

You have my condolences.

[Tahoma 2,292]

while not a Kano married to Pinay...

You have my condolences.

[joyjohn 18]

to the OP.tell the brother to stand right behide you, then tell him he's in the right place to kiss your a##, thats probably where the motorcycle payment is due, so he can go to the ATM to cash your check....

[Steve64 1]

I went through this same situation. You said your wife came from a big family. Some how they managed all those years to survive without your assistance. Now all of a sudden they can`t survive without your money? Let them be as angry as they want to be. Your obligation is to your new family. If you are able to give her family money then give. If you can`t then don`t do it. So many Filipinos live in a fairytale. They think Americans have a endless supply of money. You arent going to change their thoughts. If you have to ignore them then do so. It`s sad to say but I never trust anyone in the Philippines when it comes to money. More times then not you will be taken advantage of. For those of you who are thinking about marrying a Filipina. Here is my advice. Don`t marry a girl that comes from a very very poor family( You will be pressured to send money), Don`t marry a girl who comes from a big family with many brothers and sisters(more people to pressure you for money), Don`t marry a girl who comes from a broken home,Don`t marry a girl who doesn`t have a good relationship with both of her parents, especially her father ( you get into the father daughter relationship rather then husband and wife), Don`t marry a girl who`s parents treat her like she is 14 despite that she is 30 years old (these type of girls will tend to treat you like a father and not a husband and are usually quite immature). Don`t marry a girl who doesnt at least have a Bachelors degree (This shows she values education and can help with your family finances), Make it clear from the start of your courtship that you aren`t going to send her or her family any money for any reason ( This can show whether she likes you for you or for your money.You may alter this after the relationship becomes more solid and you have developed some trust with her)

[charlie&pam 1]

Soldier, hold your position and don't surrender to her tampo. That's an order!

I AGREE TAHOMA...I SALLUTE YOU..

Soldier....just think about this your not their banker...ok?

[rlogan 2,036]

I just read the following from this month's issue of Reader's Digest:

When we see people acting in abusive, arrogant, or demeaning manner toward others, their behavior almost always is a symptom of their lack of self-esteem. They need to put someone down to feel good about themselves.

It's even more interesting than that.

The people with these personality disorders hold simultaneously inconsistent ideas in their heads. You have to remember they aren't normal. That is why they are called "disordered".

On the one hand they view themselves as superior to everyone else. They have an impaired conscience. It is perfectly fine to hurt everyone around them since nobody else matters except themselves. Their universe is "Me, the King, putting you, the peasant, in your place".

But on the other hand they still suffer from jealousy and envy, lacking a healthy self esteem that doesn't take it as a personal threat when someone else is a high achiever, good looking, intelligent, kind, etc. So they go on the attack with people they envy.

They never fight fair though, mostly learning cheap dirty tricks and ambushes, concealing their intentions from people so that they can then sneer at the people who trusted their intentions were good. But such dirty tricks and false faces in the long run never build a person's self-esteem like being honest and forthright does. They become bitter, friendless people in old age that people avoid.

If you set out in life to become a put-down artist, you'll be very good at it with practice, like everything else. In the long run you'll get exactly what you deserve.

PoloNiks - congratulations. Well done.

A lot of people gave very good advice. You are a good example proving that no amount of "free money" will ever be enough for those kind of people. They'll throw it away and burn it like garbage because they didn't have to lift a finger for it. They'll act like spoiled children demanding ever more from you and try to make you feel bad if you don't.

You did the right thing in putting a halt to it.

[Marzy 1]

I'm sorry that you gone through this. It's going to be a problem in your marriage if your wife cannot break her family. You have to discuss it with her. I have no idea how to advice you. This is a taught one.

As a Filipino wife, my husband and I do not argue about financing my relatives in Philippines because I do not want to send a money every month in Philippines. If they will need help, I(we) will send. I(we) do send a cash approximately $200/year for gifts. And my sister who lives in Germany used to send money to our two brothers in Philippines and she was struggling like you're in now how to stop it. Anyway, she sent one of them to an expensive university in Cebu City. She funded his needs, so he can get his degree in time. To cut a long story short, my 25 years old brother stopped working that pays about 5,000 pesos per month with the reason of studying. He did study. He earned a poor grades, and failed in other classes. To make matters worse, he impregnated a Filipina during that term. In short, my sister was really upset about it. I dictated her to stop sending money to him when she was complaining. I told her that he will work to survive otherwise. He finally get back in work force. Now, my brothers seem hesitate to contact me if it's a money matter.

I do not hate my brothers. I just want them to grow up, and not be liked other lazy asses in Philippines.

Good luck! You're in a Filipino community.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Kigle

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

We agreed that if she wants to send money home, she can get a job. But, she doesn't want to send all her money home.

While she was living in the Philippines, she worked to send her two brothers and sister to school. She helped with the bills, and after coming home from work, she scrubbed pots and pans for the family restaurant. All those years of working, and she didn't get to spend any of it on herself.

I am the bad guy, when the family complains it is not enough. It is never enough. That is fine with me, and she finally gets to spend some of the money she earns, on things she wants for herself.

And, it will not end there. Wait until the parents and the rest of the family want to join her in America. That happens once she becomes a citizen. We have talked about that already, but she hasn't told her family, yet. That should be interesting when that conversation finally happens.

If you don't like drama, you should never marry Pinay.