Filipina wife issues....advice please...

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; Exactly, they survived before you came into the picture!

Stop sending money, and you are talking about a lot of money. I bet they live their lives as King/Queen.

It is not your responsibility to support her family. Her parents wanted to have that many kids and it's THEIR responsibility to support their own family. They can not depend on you, that is not fair because you are making way more than they do.

And your wife you married to, should understand that. She didn't marry you because of money or to get her family financial stable. I hope she married you because she truly loves you. And if she doesn't even talk to you after you said that you don't want to send any more money, that shows that she doesn't respect your decision about your future with her and ofcourse, most important, stable future for yalls unborn baby.

You'd better invest that money in YOUR future together, as a family. Let they manage their own money problems, they are a family of their own.

Ugh, I really don't like situations like these... and your wife should understand you, and not be so immature not talking to you.

Good luck!!!

[marklovetina 52]

as i been here for almost 2 yrs. i guess... i usually read post about this matter... money problem... what i cant understand is... why need to send money to family back home if the wife will ask it from the husband... for me giving money to the family is good... there is no problem in helping a family back home, but i think the filipino who will come over to the USA before she/he leave the country (PI) explain to the family here that she/he dont have work when she/he got there in US and explain to them that the USC is not that rich to be obligated to support the WHOLE FAMILY.. extended brothers, sisters, niece, nephews, etc... especial occasion is ok to send money but to support them from every day living here, i think that is not wise to do bcoz they need to learn to stretch their muscles too (work),

when he/she already got a job then its ok to send money back home at least you dont ask it from ur husband but the money u will gonna send to ur family back home comes from your hard work.why not understand ur half that u dont have work and only one is working and he is the only one paying for all the expenses in ur home, and then the wife will be get mad if the USC man cant send money back home.. this is all crazy.. but of course with the exception if the emmediate family have an emergency here in PI, the USC should be kind and generous to do that...

[Christi85 86]

Sorry, I don't have personal experience dealing with such situations, and I saw some people gave you really good advice based on their own personal experiences.

I just want to say that this seems to be quite a re-occurring theme here on VJ with people from the Philippines and other countries who expect the USC fiance/husband to financially support their whole family.

I really hope some of the tips the people here gave you work in your case and I do hope your wife can understand that your role is to support your family (i.e. her, yourself and the kid you are going to have) and this family alone.

But two things that really struck me and made a bad impression are: a)the fact that she stopped talking to you from the minute you said no to her family's latest money demands - to me this looks like blackmailing and like someone who may not care enough to maintain a happy marriage if the money stops flowing, especially if this attitude goes on (and I completely understand the pressure she may be under from her family, but she also has an obligation here to defend her husband), and b)her brother's comment on F/B was really unacceptable, deeply offensive, and very intrusive IMO (not to mention embarrassing for you, being made in public on FB!!), so please DRAW THE LINE NOW with these people.

Good for you that you are trying to find some middle ground and negotiate the amount down, but I do believe you need to cut it off completely. You don't owe them anything and continuing to pay them (even lower amounts) is a guarantee that they'll never get off your back. The arrival of your baby in a few months' time is the perfect opportunity to claim that now that you have a new member in the family with such high expenses, you can't afford to help them.

I only hope that your wife understands and stands by you in this.

Good luck in the future!

P.S. Kind of out of topic, but, like others have said: you call her your wife but you say that she has a K-1 visa and that you'll be going back to the US soon. If all this is accurate, I'm afraid the K-1 (which is a fiance visa- strictly for unmarried people) isn't good anymore as you're married already. If this is the case, you will now need to file for a CR-1 (spousal) visa for her to join you in the US. I understand you're both living abroad right now. This is a good thing, as you very well may be eligible to file DCF (Direct Consular Filing) with your local US Consulate, which can reduce the processing time to just a couple of months from start to finish (depending on the Consulate's timescale). Take a look at the DCF forum and Wiki here for more info on how to go about the CR-1 through DCF.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Christi85

[Krikit 1,164]

I am going to move this thread to the Philippine Regional forum from New Life in America. Welcome to VJ, Scott.

Inappropriate post removed.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Krikit

[M&S forever 4]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

Hi,

I was read your story and was surprise how people can do like this.Is your wife has job?I can understand if help her family sometimes but not so often as you do.Her family has 9 children why they do not work she need speak to them,maybe they force her who knows.And at least she need understand that her new family where soon you guys will have baby need money too for living for child education etc.She need understand it better then even you, I really do not understand women like this.If she loves you and want keep strong family then she must understand, and you love her, so guys I really hope you will find good resolution for this problem, because family it is very serious especially soon you guys will have baby.

[rheanick 42]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

You have to stand on your decision or forever support her family. You owe it to them not to encourage them to be dependent on you. Dont encourage them to be lazy.

[Mariye & Ky 172]

Soldier, I'm very sorry to you for your wife's family which has been manipulating from the get go! And for her not to talk to you is ridiculous, immature and manipulation. What a great way to deteriorate and sour your happy marriage with underlying resentment! Sounds like your very frustrated or you wouldn't have posted here. Incidently, are you sure, K1 fiance Visa?

I'm an American Born Filipina and I have seen this in the culture so much it really annoys me. Unfortunately, it's common there (among other countries). Several posters before me who are married to a Filipina (born there) said to educate her about our Western economics. I agree. And on the bright side, once they do get the hang of American ways of life, they're wonderful additions to the family (imho). However, WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR HER FAMILY WHO INSISTS YOU PAY?! NOTHING. THEY DO NOT LEARN THAT EASILY WHEN THEY ARE NOT DIRECTLY CONFRONTED BY YOU. I bet if you told them via web cam you will not be sending help because you can no longer afford it they will not fight you and back down. And trust me, unless you are as fearless and strong as you have to be on that front line, they will find a way into your pocket, and she will become their agent and she may not even know it. Especially, if she is "not talking for 2 days" now! So? Big deal she doesn't talk for 2 days, or a week! LET HER POUT. She'll learn and it might have to be the hard way.

From what you said you already sent $7,500/ year. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You know how much money that is over there when you equate that to pesos? What are they doing with it, do you know? And what did she bring to the table as far as working and supporting her own family? Yes, I said, "Her family"..... you're related by marriage only; YOU and YOUR BABY TOGETHER IS HER FIRST FAMILY PRIORITY. Are they well educated? If so, most are self-supporting and too proud to take anything.

I see you understand this, and I'm sorry if this sounds bit rough, but she better understand this or that little pout is going to turn into crocodile tears when she figures out that her family's manipulation is playing a huge role between the two of you that could be detrimental to the life of the marriage and your child's future. Brass Tacks Sir: The extended family does not belong in between you two and your little one. Every USC in America who marries either a foreign nationalist or another USC, gets an extended family. But that does not obligate us to PAY THEIR WAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES! Not unless you willingly offer to help but I'd be very clear about how much and for how long--- if I did it at all. Let her go to work and she can give all or what she wants to help her family. How about you tell her, your parents, brothers and sisters also need help and she must go to work to pay for them to go to college, pay medical bills, rent and food.

Rose coloured glasses look very different from another dimension.

Now as for you I see your heart as very big and loving towards her and that is honorable. You are EXCITED about YOUR SON!!!! Congratulations to you both because he is a blessing from God. I believe you two can work this out. Just remember, the first 2 years of marriage is a learning curve for most anyways. Stand your ground TOGETHER!!

Best to you both,

Mari

Edited January 18, 2011 by Mari & Kadir

[Mariye & Ky 172]

[/quote name=godsgift' timestamp='1295350030' post='4413620] ..........this is all crazy.. but of course with the exception if the emmediate family have an emergency here in PI, the USC should be kind and generous to do that...

Why?!

Why should the USC be kind and generous to do that when there are 9 other siblings to help fund 90% of that emergency? This thinking is what gives off bad impression overall! THE USC IS NOT THEIR MEDICAL INSURANCE PLAN OR COVERAGE! He is their son inlaw!!!! He needs to be respected as such, not converted into a bank fund! That's ridiculous to even say that to the OP who has already been offended by his own brother inlaw publicly on FB. He doesn't owe them a dime! Not now and not in the future. They already got $7,500 and counting the current amounts he's willing to give... that's their problem if they don't know how to budget and SAVE FOR THAT EMERGENCY! Annoying. Very Annoying.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Mari & Kadir

[Tahoma 2,292]

Soldier, hold your position and don't surrender to her tampo. That's an order!

[Laser1 63]

Your wife's family seems to be the source of that stress. Maybe the best thing you can do is to advise your wife to resist contacting her family much, until they adjust and stop pressuring her for money.

[Mariye & Ky 172]

Soldier, hold your position and don't surrender to her tampo. That's an order!

Now his only response should be, "SIR! YES SIR!" lol... I fully agree with Tahoma! DO NOT STAND DOWN!

Signed,

The USArmy Officer's Daughter <proudly said>

Over and Out!

[envy_me 18]

OP, tell her if she wants to send money back home then it has to come from HER PAYCHECK!!!!

i always tell this to people that i know who get upset when they're husbands wont give them money to send back home..

seriously, your wife's family is your wife's responsibility.. NOT YOURS!!!!

[envy_me 18]

Soldier, hold your position and don't surrender to her tampo. That's an order!

but

[Marizhell 11]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

Hi Im a filipina too...your so generous to help your wife family in the Philippines. You need to explain to your wife that its not possible that you will be forever supporting her family. Your wife should be aware how you work hard to earned money. Im aware that many filipinas really wanted to help their family from the Philippines but I guess, she should also experience how to work and earned money here in US so she would realized that earning dollar is not easy. Im just actualy new here in US just arrived here last Aug, 2010 not yet working but Im so aware of how my husband works hard. Im the youngest daughter and I only have one brother, no more parents I dont know if I should say im lucky to have a small family....but in my case I wish I have a big family as your wife anyway goodluck for you and tell you wife that she do have her own life and not to shoulder all the financial problems of her family in the philippines

[envy_me 18]

Your wife's family seems to be the source of that stress. Maybe the best thing you can do is to advise your wife to resist contacting her family much, until they adjust and stop pressuring her for money.

i dont think the family is pressuring her to send money, the wife just doesn't know how to say NO..

if the wife told her family from the very start that she cannot send money or it's not gonna be a regular basis, this won't be a problem!

reality is - there is nothing that her family can do if they can't and won't send money, it's her discretion!