BIG cultural adjustments

[masterpiece 2]

Okay so two questions/comments were directed to me earlier: One, about the acronym B.L.A.C.K...Gosh! life is about relativity isn`t it. When did absolute become reality. In other words, if the meaning of B.L.A.C.K as i described it includes 10% of the population, it suffices. Ofcourse that isnt a blanket statement. indeed the attributes expressed there does not relate to some 50% of my relatives (now 100% of those i grew up???...Yup!!!!!!!)

Education? Driving Cabs?? Simple answer to that. Appearances can be deceiving and most Nigerians (and i may venture to go out on a limb here and say Africans) doing some ?dead-end job may have something cooking somewhere...a business venture, hurdles to scale...saving for a master`s program, attending one or two classes to jump-start another career or simply waiting to be assimilated into the system with the Nigerian degree he/she has.....that might require taking some exams, going for some American degree that simply adds the name of a U.S university to his resume without making him/her all that much smarter.....in some cases (no generalising here!!).

Edited September 3, 2006 by masterpiece

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

May I ask how much exposure to habesha folks you had prior to meeting / marrying your husband? How much contact with other habesha folks does he have now that he's here? Might be helpful for him just to better understand the name of the game here in the US.

I had a circle of habesha friends long before Nani and I met. That helped me understand much of what she'd be going through once she gets here. And I tried as best I could to see to it that Nani has contact with other habesha folks around here. That helped her a lot when it came to hooking the first job, etc. Plus, she could call local folks and chat on the phone in Amharic which made the transition a bit easier on her - talking to me, it was all English. She insisted because she wanted to learn.

And I hear you on the way habesha folks talk and it sometimes having sort of a "demanding" tone to it. We've ran into that a time or two. It was a matter of teaching her to use different terminology and intonation and to recognize at the same time that the "demand" is really more of a kind request to be considered.

All in all, we were past our "rough patch" approximately 3 months after Nani's arrival. She's still adjusting, of course, but she has the basics down and is comfortable here. Really, once she started working things went very, very smooth. Sitting at home all day for just over three months really was hard on her. She tolerated it well for the first month or so but then she grew rather impatient. I found an ESL program for her at that point to keep her positively occupied while the papers were processing.

Good Luck!

[southernchic 0]

May I ask how much exposure to habesha folks you had prior to meeting / marrying your husband? How much contact with other habesha folks does he have now that he's here? Might be helpful for him just to better understand the name of the game here in the US.

I had a circle of habesha friends long before Nani and I met. That helped me understand much of what she'd be going through once she gets here. And I tried as best I could to see to it that Nani has contact with other habesha folks around here. That helped her a lot when it came to hooking the first job, etc. Plus, she could call local folks and chat on the phone in Amharic which made the transition a bit easier on her - talking to me, it was all English. She insisted because she wanted to learn.

And I hear you on the way habesha folks talk and it sometimes having sort of a "demanding" tone to it. We've ran into that a time or two. It was a matter of teaching her to use different terminology and intonation and to recognize at the same time that the "demand" is really more of a kind request to be considered.

All in all, we were past our "rough patch" approximately 3 months after Nani's arrival. She's still adjusting, of course, but she has the basics down and is comfortable here. Really, once she started working things went very, very smooth. Sitting at home all day for just over three months really was hard on her. She tolerated it well for the first month or so but then she grew rather impatient. I found an ESL program for her at that point to keep her positively occupied while the papers were processing.

Good Luck!

Prior to meeting Sultan I had very little personal exposure to habesha people. I was friendly a couple of people but it was never personal enough to where I could to learn much about the culture. Sultan knows a lot of people in Washington, DC.

We're getting through the cultural differences and the language challenges. For me, its important to acknowledge for myself that its a struggle sometimes. And its good to be able to hear other people's experiences. I know that things will get better.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

May I ask how much exposure to habesha folks you had prior to meeting / marrying your husband? How much contact with other habesha folks does he have now that he's here? Might be helpful for him just to better understand the name of the game here in the US.

I had a circle of habesha friends long before Nani and I met. That helped me understand much of what she'd be going through once she gets here. And I tried as best I could to see to it that Nani has contact with other habesha folks around here. That helped her a lot when it came to hooking the first job, etc. Plus, she could call local folks and chat on the phone in Amharic which made the transition a bit easier on her - talking to me, it was all English. She insisted because she wanted to learn.

And I hear you on the way habesha folks talk and it sometimes having sort of a "demanding" tone to it. We've ran into that a time or two. It was a matter of teaching her to use different terminology and intonation and to recognize at the same time that the "demand" is really more of a kind request to be considered.

All in all, we were past our "rough patch" approximately 3 months after Nani's arrival. She's still adjusting, of course, but she has the basics down and is comfortable here. Really, once she started working things went very, very smooth. Sitting at home all day for just over three months really was hard on her. She tolerated it well for the first month or so but then she grew rather impatient. I found an ESL program for her at that point to keep her positively occupied while the papers were processing.

Good Luck!

Prior to meeting Sultan I had very little personal exposure to habesha people. I was friendly a couple of people but it was never personal enough to where I could to learn much about the culture. Sultan knows a lot of people in Washington, DC.

We're getting through the cultural differences and the language challenges. For me, its important to acknowledge for myself that its a struggle sometimes. And its good to be able to hear other people's experiences. I know that things will get better.

DC area? I can imagine that he knows a lot of folks in the DC area. Huge habesha population there from what I gathered. Nani and I have lived in three different cities so far since she moved here 2.5 years ago and she has actual family (however distant) living in either one of them. Quite amazing...

[Kanyiri 0]

I got this email today and thought I would pass it along. I think I got the idea that your husband is Ethiopian and you live in the DC area, right?

---------

Ethiopian Community Center for part-time (Tues, Wed,

Thurs evening) ESL teachers. The students are

wonderful - all adults, very respectful and they WANT

to learn. Textbooks and curriculum provided in

equipped classrooms..

This small nonprofit has classes at Walter Reed Army

Medical Center at Georgia Ave and Elder St, NW (about

a 15 min walk from Silver Spring or Takoma metros).

Hours are 6 pm to 8 pm, Tuesday, Wednesday and

Thursday evenings. Rate is $20/hr (not negotiable).

Classes are mixed ethnically (mostly Latino and

Ethiopian) and class size ranges from 5-20 students.

Level 2: High beginner

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays, 6 pm to 8 pm. October

through February. (One semester: second semester

runs March through July.)

Requirements: ENERGY, enthusiasm, love of teaching -

especially adults, ability to teach multiple levels

within the level. Professionalism and commitment are

absolute MUSTS. (Please only apply if you can

seriously commit to the whole time period and for all

three days a week. Yes, we can get an occasional sub

but not on a long term basis.) Experience and

training in teaching English as a Second Language.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Ethiopian Community Center for part-time (Tues, Wed,

Thurs evening) ESL teachers. The students are

wonderful - all adults, very respectful and they WANT

to learn. Textbooks and curriculum provided in

equipped classrooms..

This small nonprofit has classes ...

Yep, that's the kind of thing we found for Nani out there in Nashville at the time. It was, I believe, something that the rather large Sudanese refugee community in Nashville had put in place. It was very good for her to attend these classes.

[Perseverance 1]

I have had some PMs about cultural adjustments, there is some good advise in this thread.

[ladybee 0]

I know that there are plenty of things that I do that my SO does not understand, so it goes both ways.

...

Look at all that our SOs have sacrificed to be with us. What I have listed is so small. We have talked about all of these things and more, and he tells me he will adjust. To me he is a brave man to leave all that he knows, to come to a different country, all for a woman that he loves. I feel honored. I know it will not be easy for him. I will support him and have patience while he is adjusting to life in America. It is the least I can do, after the sacrifice he has made for me.

In my experience, leaving Nigeria is not much of a sacrifice it is a welcomed opportuninty that many pray for their children. Even if it is to come here an drive a cab. Those selling on the streets would jump on it. For too many there is no comfort back home. only struggle and sacrifice.

How much of a sacrifice is it leave a place like lagos and have constant electricity, clean typhoid free water, a bus system that gives you your own seat and provides air conditioning, cops that protect you and come when you call, cars that are pulled off the road for polluting, any type of food imaginable to select from in an air conditioned store where you pay the price you see not the one you bargain for.....

Let's keep itme it is more of a win win for the couple. The TRUE sacrifice or test for love would be for a US citizen born and raised to live in Africa because their SO could not secure a visa for entry into the US.

real. I know i could not adjust to the life in Lagos so I don't think that it is so much of a sacrifice to leave it, to

[Perseverance 1]

I know that there are plenty of things that I do that my SO does not understand, so it goes both ways.

...

Look at all that our SOs have sacrificed to be with us. What I have listed is so small. We have talked about all of these things and more, and he tells me he will adjust. To me he is a brave man to leave all that he knows, to come to a different country, all for a woman that he loves. I feel honored. I know it will not be easy for him. I will support him and have patience while he is adjusting to life in America. It is the least I can do, after the sacrifice he has made for me.

In my experience, leaving Nigeria is not much of a sacrifice it is a welcomed opportuninty that many pray for their children. Even if it is to come here an drive a cab. Those selling on the streets would jump on it. For too many there is no comfort back home. only struggle and sacrifice.

How much of a sacrifice is it leave a place like lagos and have constant electricity, clean typhoid free water, a bus system that gives you your own seat and provides air conditioning, cops that protect you and come when you call, cars that are pulled off the road for polluting, any type of food imaginable to select from in an air conditioned store where you pay the price you see not the one you bargain for.....

Let's keep itme it is more of a win win for the couple. The TRUE sacrifice or test for love would be for a US citizen born and raised to live in Africa because their SO could not secure a visa for entry into the US.

real. I know i could not adjust to the life in Lagos so I don't think that it is so much of a sacrifice to leave it, to

Every King has his castle, it is not for us to judge if we like the castle, that is up to the King.

[totes 0]

I know that there are plenty of things that I do that my SO does not understand, so it goes both ways.

...

Look at all that our SOs have sacrificed to be with us. What I have listed is so small. We have talked about all of these things and more, and he tells me he will adjust. To me he is a brave man to leave all that he knows, to come to a different country, all for a woman that he loves. I feel honored. I know it will not be easy for him. I will support him and have patience while he is adjusting to life in America. It is the least I can do, after the sacrifice he has made for me.

In my experience, leaving Nigeria is not much of a sacrifice it is a welcomed opportuninty that many pray for their children. Even if it is to come here an drive a cab. Those selling on the streets would jump on it. For too many there is no comfort back home. only struggle and sacrifice.

How much of a sacrifice is it leave a place like lagos and have constant electricity, clean typhoid free water, a bus system that gives you your own seat and provides air conditioning, cops that protect you and come when you call, cars that are pulled off the road for polluting, any type of food imaginable to select from in an air conditioned store where you pay the price you see not the one you bargain for.....

Let's keep itme it is more of a win win for the couple. The TRUE sacrifice or test for love would be for a US citizen born and raised to live in Africa because their SO could not secure a visa for entry into the US.

real. I know i could not adjust to the life in Lagos so I don't think that it is so much of a sacrifice to leave it, to

Every King has his castle, it is not for us to judge if we like the castle, that is up to the King.

I agree with the King and his castle thing. I'm worried to death about how my SO is dealing with the fact that he will soon be leaving his family and all his friends. I personally love Africa even though there is alot of bs over there, it's an amazing country and the lifestyle is something we could learn a thing or two from. I would live there if need be. Plan to visit as often as possible.

From my perspective... I can see why some would think it's no sacrafice at all to leave due to the economy, lack of infastructure, etc., etc., however, I have moved to another country before and even though it was a third world country, I was clueless so I wasn't worried about the "getting by" perspective but... leaving my family, friends and everything I've known for my whole life was so overwhelming that I almost didn't make the move. It's bad to us over there but they have lived their entire life under those horrible circumstances (I'm not saying they should accept it, I don't believe that at all but they know nothing else other than what they've been told and/or seen on tv). So... it's a major deal for them, even if it is somewhat better.

The thing I'm worried about is... even though I have tried to prepare my SO for the way it really is here, I'm worried that his expectations will not be met. I live in the south... mixed couples are still frowned upon. It doesn't bother me because I personally don't give a #### what people think but... as someone just coming to this country... I'm concerned that it will be disheartening to him. I'm also concerned about the perceptions American's have in general about Nigerians. Where I'm from... most people think they are all crooks just looking for a means to an ends. I've been dealing with this the entire time we have been together. Raised eyebrows when they hear where he's from.. smart ### remarks... serious talks from friends... it's unbelievable! Even though I know exactly what they're talking about... not all Nigerian's (African's) fit this stereotype. I'm very concerned that my SO will become frustrated with the judgements.

Anyone have anything to offer on that note?

[Tunji&Toyin 0]

This thread is definitely interesting. We are talking about two kinds of adjustments. Consider this if you will. A Nigerian coming to reside, forget all the many vacations he/she may have taken in the past, in the states has to adjust to life in U.S and this adjustment occurs even though the spouse is also Nigerian.

Now juxtapose that entire process to cross-cultural adjustments that seem to be rife amongst the posted messages here and you can see why feet solidly immersed in a higher being (leave u to decide which is yours)--- God in my case---will be needed to see you through the period of adjustment.

There are so many facets you can view this. Some people by their innate traits/personality are open to learning new things and are very humble. Others, perhaps as a result of their background at home maybe less amenable to such education..........and that, precisely, is what it is in the final analysis.

If you are a USC and your SO is from Africa and is visiting US for the very first time, i say this to you: patience as a virtue will be tested time and time again. I would hope that if you are not a very patient person naturally, you remember that your SO is experiencing two different kinds of adjustments and thus you are really going to dig deep reminding yourself that "this too shall pass".....and yes indeed the phase will pass. How fast your SO adjusts to life in US depends on a myriad of factors....age/maturity, Level of education/achievements back home, financial status back home, and the list can really be endless..

As an example, consider this scenario: A Nigerian male, who worked as a manager in one of the 3rd generation banks in Nigeria makes his way out to U.S courtesy of his US fiancee. In Nigeria, he had some 3 househelps and that`s not counting a couple of relatives (extended family). He had a chaffeur-driven company car. When he wakes up in the morning, breakfast is often served, the car has been washed and clothes have been ironed (laundry-style.....starched shirts and all...). He does not do "grocery shopping" because one of the househelps may have gotten all the supplies needed from the market...indeed a cook is not a far-fetched idea. He works hard..sometimes 9-10 hours but sometimes he gets off early in the evening but before he drives home, he hangs out with his boys on one of the street joints....beer flows, some smokes, but a genuine camraderie exists amongst all unwinding out there and for the most part there are regulars who have established long-standing friendships. As the beer flows, so do the discussions heat up...politics, women, sports (emmm soccer, if you please!!!! ).

Now take this fellow to US marrying a USC (i.e non-Nigerian). Well do you see the double adjustment i am talking about? First the adjustment to living in U.S ( driving, laundry, cooking, groceries, trash in the a.m, etc etc....) then the cross-cultural adjustment. Trust me, if you are the USC, patience is definitely a virtue you are going to be needing in ridiculous amounts. Oh by the way, by USC i am also including those Africans who really never resided in Africa and don`t quite get it. Oh sure some concepts are understood perhaps because the parents opened the windows to those but for the most part, it is not quite the same as living in Africa.

The recourse? Most important help you need at this time is God (or your higher being) and then a friend. I am talking about a friend that is African (preferably one that schooled, lived and worked there and understands....) and who can break down stuff for you before you misinterpret them. It would be nice if that friend were of same sex as you to avoid what may easily be misconstrued as "cheating"......hey the African fella may also be "possessive"....

Anyway, love conquers all. So remember that while you are ruminating the situation and know this: once the adjustment phase is over, your African prince will show you what being African and black truly means...depicting for you traits that would remind you of the initial attaraction: beauty, brainy and sometimes brawny; Loyal and loving; Ambitious and Achieving; Cultured, Civility and Conscientious; Kindness. At the end of it all you would have simply spelt the traits of your B.L.A.C.K prince.

So hang in there and ride out the roller coaster..........It will eventually be worth it, i can assure you...

Much respect... I am very patient, but I definately am going to have to be "more" patient, as my wife will have a lot of adjusting to do. I keep telling her, that her life is going to change, she doesn't really get it, but she will soon enough.

[All4Kweku 0]

This thread is just what I needed to read because I am going through some of the same things since coming back to the US with my husband about a month ago. The stressors are indeed tangible and its not any easier when you are financially stretched (I was gone during the time when food prices shot up, so I'm sticker shocked at the grocery store), raising a ten year old (being Mommy in America has such different connotations than when we were in Ghana) and living in your (sweet but highly opinionated) mother's house! I was glad to get out the door to go to work this morning and was wondering what I was going to do and where my patience was going to come from. But give thanks that I came on VJ and saw something positive and a reminder that even when the visa journey is over, the life journeys and processes continue to unfold...

thanks everyone....

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I agree with the King and his castle thing. I'm worried to death about how my SO is dealing with the fact that he will soon be leaving his family and all his friends. I personally love Africa even though there is alot of bs over there, it's an amazing country and the lifestyle is something we could learn a thing or two from. I would live there if need be. Plan to visit as often as possible.

From my perspective... I can see why some would think it's no sacrafice at all to leave due to the economy, lack of infastructure, etc., etc., however, I have moved to another country before and even though it was a third world country, I was clueless so I wasn't worried about the "getting by" perspective but... leaving my family, friends and everything I've known for my whole life was so overwhelming that I almost didn't make the move. It's bad to us over there but they have lived their entire life under those horrible circumstances (I'm not saying they should accept it, I don't believe that at all but they know nothing else other than what they've been told and/or seen on tv). So... it's a major deal for them, even if it is somewhat better.

The thing I'm worried about is... even though I have tried to prepare my SO for the way it really is here, I'm worried that his expectations will not be met. I live in the south... mixed couples are still frowned upon. It doesn't bother me because I personally don't give a #### what people think but... as someone just coming to this country... I'm concerned that it will be disheartening to him. I'm also concerned about the perceptions American's have in general about Nigerians. Where I'm from... most people think they are all crooks just looking for a means to an ends. I've been dealing with this the entire time we have been together. Raised eyebrows when they hear where he's from.. smart ### remarks... serious talks from friends... it's unbelievable! Even though I know exactly what they're talking about... not all Nigerian's (African's) fit this stereotype. I'm very concerned that my SO will become frustrated with the judgements.

Anyone have anything to offer on that note?

I wanted to just let you know that Ara lives in the south and is in a biracial relationship with a Nigerian man. She might be a great sounding board for you. She's probably went through what you're going through and is going through what you will see in the near future to some extent.

I will live in Ghana in the future. Not really a possibility now because of my daughter, or rather my daughter's father. I've travelled quite a bit in my life so I'm not as overwhelmed as other Americans might be who haven't travelled as much and expect everywhere to look like their town. It's not reality and quite frankly I've listened to Americans complaining about lack of amenities in Europe because the buildings are "too old"! LOL. Some people aren't meant to do anymore than there doing and that's just a fact. It's best to know that about yourself right from the get go. I'm sure I'd make my poor husband miserable in Ghana. But I'd also be just as happy as a lark. My mother in law says I feed the chickens too much. So, I suppose I'd have to get another chore to do around the house. But I'd adjust. Just like with everything else. I'm looking forward to moving there in my later years when my daughter is 18 and HE can't give me grief anymore. (well legally anyway)

[Tamikuti7 0]

I think this topic is quite interesting. Although it was posted some time ago, it's amazing how it is still relevant. On a more personal note:

I had to adjust sooo much more than my husband. I was use to being a married-single , and was used to making ALL of the decisions. I had a previous marriage/kids, he was never married/no kids, so I found myself calling him selfish for not instinctively knowing what to do and when, in situations that I automatically expected him to "know".

That was just one slice ofthe bigger pie, but it all worked out, it really did. I attribute that to patience, and open communication.

BTW, I love Nigeria, would move there in an heartbeat, even with all the bribes, water, lights or lack of. I would totally adjust, and I would just buy a filter and a gen.

[idocare 3]

Even in Nigeria there are inter-racial couples. Some have lived in Nigeria for many many years.

At the end of the day, it's gonna be you and your husband, and as long as you continue to love

him and he continues to love you; him coming to America shouldn't be something to worry about.

Just as you adjusted to Nigeria and still love your man, he can come here and adjust, love is the

key to it all. Bare in mind that I've never lived in the South but I do know some interracial couples

that do.

But it's the love that will keep you and he together, remember love conquers all !!!!