BIG cultural adjustments

[ijeme 0]

MAGIC word? Yeah your husband sounded a little bit rude...

Clarification... that shopping scenario is not of me and my husband. My husband's English is better than mine and is one of his many attractions. However, the loud phone voice..... that he does.

Just enjoying this post and provoking thoughts.

Edited August 29, 2006 by ijeme

[ijeme 0]

also we never call each other by name only pet names. Havent you noticed how most people have some generic title instead of unique name as we do here in the us. I am even called "my wife" by many. I am also called Auntie.

And as far as the "magic" word. He says please and thank you but an odd difference is his trouble hearing me say Thank you to him for anything. He feels what he does for me should not bring thanks from me it is apart of his role as husband and/or head of household. He has told me it makes him feel distant. It slips alot because I am accoustumed to thanking anyone for anything. But he has to understand it is a force of habit as i have to understand the phone thing. It will take time to change.

I am enjoying this post and the provoking thoughts....keep it going.

[southernchic 0]

Ok another interesting cultural difference, an amusing one, is that my husband isn't used to doing physical labor. His family has a house maid who cooks and cleans for the family. I think this is typical in many African countries.

One night I was cleaning the carpet and was on my hands and knees scrubbing out stains. I was working up quite a sweat. He later told me, "We gotta get a housemaid." H said that maybe we could even send for relative from ethiopia to live with us because he didn't realize that americans worked so hard in their houses. He thought everyone had a house maid just like in Africa.

What's funny is that whenever I feel that Sultan's being demanding about me cooking or something I tell him, "What? Do you think I'm your housemaid?" And he even says the same thing to me if I'm bossing him around.

[Taye500 0]

Ok another interesting cultural difference, an amusing one, is that my husband isn't used to doing physical labor. His family has a house maid who cooks and cleans for the family. I think this is typical in many African countries.

One night I was cleaning the carpet and was on my hands and knees scrubbing out stains. I was working up quite a sweat. He later told me, "We gotta get a housemaid." H said that maybe we could even send for relative from ethiopia to live with us because he didn't realize that americans worked so hard in their houses. He thought everyone had a house maid just like in Africa.

What's funny is that whenever I feel that Sultan's being demanding about me cooking or something I tell him, "What? Do you think I'm your housemaid?" And he even says the same thing to me if I'm bossing him around.

Please forgive me if i'm being rude or nosy. But how old is sultan?? I come from a wealthy african family with housemaids and many workers but i also know that when is time to handle my business, i take care of business. There is a fine line between culture and Laziness. A young family requires a lot of give and take. Your husband needs to realize that he is no longer in an African setting any longer and face the reality.

[masterpiece 2]

This thread is definitely interesting. We are talking about two kinds of adjustments. Consider this if you will. A Nigerian coming to reside, forget all the many vacations he/she may have taken in the past, in the states has to adjust to life in U.S and this adjustment occurs even though the spouse is also Nigerian.

Now juxtapose that entire process to cross-cultural adjustments that seem to be rife amongst the posted messages here and you can see why feet solidly immersed in a higher being (leave u to decide which is yours)--- God in my case---will be needed to see you through the period of adjustment.

There are so many facets you can view this. Some people by their innate traits/personality are open to learning new things and are very humble. Others, perhaps as a result of their background at home maybe less amenable to such education..........and that, precisely, is what it is in the final analysis.

If you are a USC and your SO is from Africa and is visiting US for the very first time, i say this to you: patience as a virtue will be tested time and time again. I would hope that if you are not a very patient person naturally, you remember that your SO is experiencing two different kinds of adjustments and thus you are really going to dig deep reminding yourself that "this too shall pass".....and yes indeed the phase will pass. How fast your SO adjusts to life in US depends on a myriad of factors....age/maturity, Level of education/achievements back home, financial status back home, and the list can really be endless..

As an example, consider this scenario: A Nigerian male, who worked as a manager in one of the 3rd generation banks in Nigeria makes his way out to U.S courtesy of his US fiancee. In Nigeria, he had some 3 househelps and that`s not counting a couple of relatives (extended family). He had a chaffeur-driven company car. When he wakes up in the morning, breakfast is often served, the car has been washed and clothes have been ironed (laundry-style.....starched shirts and all...). He does not do "grocery shopping" because one of the househelps may have gotten all the supplies needed from the market...indeed a cook is not a far-fetched idea. He works hard..sometimes 9-10 hours but sometimes he gets off early in the evening but before he drives home, he hangs out with his boys on one of the street joints....beer flows, some smokes, but a genuine camraderie exists amongst all unwinding out there and for the most part there are regulars who have established long-standing friendships. As the beer flows, so do the discussions heat up...politics, women, sports (emmm soccer, if you please!!!! ).

Now take this fellow to US marrying a USC (i.e non-Nigerian). Well do you see the double adjustment i am talking about? First the adjustment to living in U.S ( driving, laundry, cooking, groceries, trash in the a.m, etc etc....) then the cross-cultural adjustment. Trust me, if you are the USC, patience is definitely a virtue you are going to be needing in ridiculous amounts. Oh by the way, by USC i am also including those Africans who really never resided in Africa and don`t quite get it. Oh sure some concepts are understood perhaps because the parents opened the windows to those but for the most part, it is not quite the same as living in Africa.

The recourse? Most important help you need at this time is God (or your higher being) and then a friend. I am talking about a friend that is African (preferably one that schooled, lived and worked there and understands....) and who can break down stuff for you before you misinterpret them. It would be nice if that friend were of same sex as you to avoid what may easily be misconstrued as "cheating"......hey the African fella may also be "possessive"....

Anyway, love conquers all. So remember that while you are ruminating the situation and know this: once the adjustment phase is over, your African prince will show you what being African and black truly means...depicting for you traits that would remind you of the initial attaraction: beauty, brainy and sometimes brawny; Loyal and loving; Ambitious and Achieving; Cultured, Civility and Conscientious; Kindness. At the end of it all you would have simply spelt the traits of your B.L.A.C.K prince.

So hang in there and ride out the roller coaster..........It will eventually be worth it, i can assure you...

[sercontigo 1]

AWESOME ADVICE SATURN 5 MAN! YOU SHOULD BE A SOCIAL WORKER, COUNSELOR OR THERAPIST (IF YOU ALREADY AREN'T) I really think you hit the proverbial nail...regarding his speech patterns. I speak Spanish & I learned from PuertoRicans. Well, there is a Peruvian man and a Dominican woman newly hired at the company I work for. Their dialects are wildly different at times. They are so patient with me as I repeat things like a 3 yr old learning ABCs'. Its tough, but they admire me for trying. Try to look at him that way...he's really trying to fit in & make conversation with you.

I can relate to what you are saying because I am ridiculously impatient at time. I think God has really taught me some patience in this whole process. Try to remember that you waited all this time for him. Enjoy and relish the committment and remember"

In Marriage, Commitment Involves . . .

* Obligation "What you vow, pay. Better is it that you vow not than that you vow and do not pay."—Ecclesiastes 5:4, 5.

* Teamwork "Two are better than one . . . For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up."—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.

* Self-Sacrifice "There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving."—Acts 20:35.

* A Long-Term View "Love . . . endures all things."—1 Corinthians 13:4, 7.

[ijeme 0]

I think adjusting to not having house help is minor to dealing with finding a job here in the US. How many Africans do you see working in a bank here in the US? ok how about this one, do you know of any african colleges whose degrees are recognized here in the US? all these factors play into the adjustment of our African spouse.

[sercontigo 1]

Not only are they loud at times, but the way my Fiance beckons me to come to him...with his hand or a small sound thru his teeth or by saying "Come", gotta admit...I be wantin' to let him know somethin'!

[masterpiece 2]

In my rather elaborate attempt to express the double adjustment i am talking about, i used the example of the Nigerian banker but ofcourse the few items i mentioned make up a minute tip of the iceberg.....extrapolations can be drawn in so many directions as to the various factors that could be considered part of the adjustment phase.

Trying to dwell on all those would simply take a year...or more.........

[sercontigo 1]

I just have to say that I live in Atlanta, GA and its SWIMMING IN AFRICANS (*LATINOS TOO FOR THE RECORD*).

I bank with Bank of America and not only is my branch managed by a woman from Ghana, but about 30% of the employees are foreign including Africans! My area is extremely diverse and there are some seriously intellingent black people of all nations out there.

Devil'sAdvocate

[Kanyiri 0]

Ok, before I start this, I apologize. This is an amazing thread and I may be about to turn it in the wrong direction. I just read this and it didn't feel right. You, masterpiece, have given wonderful advice and a beautiful example, however...

... your African prince will show you what being African and black truly means...depicting for you traits that would remind you of the initial attaraction: beauty, brainy and sometimes brawny; Loyal and loving; Ambitious and Achieving; Cultured, Civility and Conscientious; Kindness. At the end of it all you would have simply spelt the traits of your B.L.A.C.K prince...

Really?? All those traits show what it means to be black? I agree that those qualities describe the African culture. I agree that they describe my husband. However, is it true that they describe the color of a person's skin? I suppose we could also assume that all red heads have horrible tempers and are better in bed.

I understand the creativity with using the letters of the word, but why not use A.F.R.I.C.A.N. or N.I.G.E.R.I.A.N.? I could even get behind M.A.N or W.O.M.A.N.

I love my husband, but it's neither because of his color nor in spite of his color.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that skin color does not define character.

I also must say that the bank that I go to about half of the employees are Ghanaian.

[southernchic 0]

In my rather elaborate attempt to express the double adjustment i am talking about, i used the example of the Nigerian banker but ofcourse the few items i mentioned make up a minute tip of the iceberg.....extrapolations can be drawn in so many directions as to the various factors that could be considered part of the adjustment phase.

Trying to dwell on all those would simply take a year...or more.........

You bring up an interesting issue. HOw difficult is it to find a job if you're from another country?? I've met alot of educated African men who are driving cabs or are working somewhere they wouldn't perfer. Any thoughts??

S

[Ta Ta 1]

I can say for sure that my husband (from Ethiopia) can come across as rude sometimes. And when he's on the phone w/other Ethiopians he speaks VERY loudly.

What I do is to try to coach him ahead of time or if we're in a restaurant or something, I'll just whisper to him the polite phrase to use if he wants a toothpick or something.

S

MAGIC word? Yeah your husband sounded a little bit rude...but its hard to correct him effectively in the middle of the grocery story. Perhaps just saying..."honey please." And he'll say, "what?"

"Just try to say please or something." I understand, though. Its hard not to get a little angry because its so abrupt.

Man you guys are killing me here ....I am almost rolling on the floor laughing.......this got to be the funniest thread.........glad I am in menopause.....laugh......and what's up with stepping over his leg? Oh wow , so glad we can relate.

Thanks, I needed that after the Feb. 23 deal !

[Perseverance 1]

I know that there are plenty of things that I do that my SO does not understand, so it goes both ways.

I have two jobs, my "grown up" job and my part time job. My part time job is at Starbucks, where we ALWAYS say thank you, even if someone has been very rude to us. I have been there for a little more than 3 years now. When I am not there, I find myself saying thank you to everyone. (even to a cop who gave me a speeding ticket) My SO had asked me many times, why I say thank you to everyone, even to people who have done nothing for me. He just does not understand, and at times has had a good chuckle about it. He on the other hand does not say thank you much, that is just how he was raised. Maybe my saying way too much will rub off on him. Another thing that just cracks him up is the fact that I shave my legs, daily. Cultural difference.

As far as how he speaks to me, he has never, not once, been rude to me, or spoken to me harshly. We have had disagreements just like everyone does. He is always respectful to me even when we are in disagreement about something. I have heard him have disagreements with his siblings, and I know he can get steamed, but never with me.

I know how hard it was for me in Nigeria the 2 times I went. (for 2 weeks each time) I had a lot to adjust to, but then I got to go "home" where I am most comfortable. I can not fathom how hard it is going to be for him to adjust to life in the US. How hard it will be to realize that "home" will now be a different place. And how far from his childhood "home", the "home" he will have now. Or how about the fact that his family is not just a car ride away. How difficult it will be for this man who has been living alone for so many years, to move into our home that has 3 American children. Anyone who has met Nigerian children knows that there is a BIG difference in the way Nigerian children behave and the way American children behave. I thought my kids were pretty well behaved kids till I met little Nigerian kids. Or how different the food will be, and the way even that food is eaten. Even the way everyday life is lived. I did not even mention the climate change, I live in Colorado. (not even close to weather in Nigeria)

Look at all that our SOs have sacrificed to be with us. What I have listed is so small. We have talked about all of these things and more, and he tells me he will adjust. To me he is a brave man to leave all that he knows, to come to a different country, all for a woman that he loves. I feel honored. I know it will not be easy for him. I will support him and have patience while he is adjusting to life in America. It is the least I can do, after the sacrifice he has made for me.

[ijeme 0]

I know that there are plenty of things that I do that my SO does not understand, so it goes both ways.

...

Look at all that our SOs have sacrificed to be with us. What I have listed is so small. We have talked about all of these things and more, and he tells me he will adjust. To me he is a brave man to leave all that he knows, to come to a different country, all for a woman that he loves. I feel honored. I know it will not be easy for him. I will support him and have patience while he is adjusting to life in America. It is the least I can do, after the sacrifice he has made for me.

In my experience, leaving Nigeria is not much of a sacrifice it is a welcomed opportuninty that many pray for their children. Even if it is to come here an drive a cab. Those selling on the streets would jump on it. For too many there is no comfort back home. only struggle and sacrifice.

How much of a sacrifice is it leave a place like lagos and have constant electricity, clean typhoid free water, a bus system that gives you your own seat and provides air conditioning, cops that protect you and come when you call, cars that are pulled off the road for polluting, any type of food imaginable to select from in an air conditioned store where you pay the price you see not the one you bargain for.....

Let's keep it real. I know i could not adjust to the life in Lagos so I don't think that it is so much of a sacrifice to leave it, to me it is more of a win win for the couple. The TRUE sacrifice or test for love would be for a US citizen born and raised to live in Africa because their SO could not secure a visa for entry into the US.