BIG cultural adjustments

[southernchic 0]

Hi all. I don't post much but I can't think of another forum where I might get some support/advice.

My husband's been in the US for two months and I'm having a REALLY hard time helping him adjust. Before he came here I thought it would be fun to see the world from his perspective (and sometimes it is). But I feel like a bad wife because I constantly question if this was the right decision. He's a nice person and he's very loving but..........I don't always have the energy or patience to explain things or to go the extra mile to take care of him. I've read that it takes five years for people to transition to life in the US. Honestly, that sounds like a very very long time.

Am I the only one feeling this way? How have others dealth their or their SO's transition?

S

[S&S 1]

it is a very big adjustment, i had to go through adjusting here myself and it will take a long while, years but each day helps to bring more understanding, keep in mind that he's in a whole new world and probably relying on you to be his guide, it would be tedious at first but it gets better. Also be open with him about your feeling so that you don't start feeling alone and frustrated, sometimes using resources around you also helps,like meeting people from the same place that he's from can help.

[ijeme 0]

I agree, encouraging social interation, by introducing him to new friends or planning more family gatherings where he can talk with more people can help in his adjustment.

My experience is different from yours, of course, but it helped me to adjust to my husbands 'differences' by visiting his home. A few weeks in his world has helped me to understand (and even appreciate) his reactions and behaviors that otherwise would have been misconstrued.

With each trip to his home more appreciation and understanding was gained by both of us.

I admire your courage and willingness to seek advice. Remember, no one is perfect nor free from frustrations but a willingness to change for the better is the best way to show love during rough moments in a relationship.

That is my 2 cents on him.... As for you, find some time alone to refresh your energy. Don't forget to care for the woman he fell in love with .... you!

[Taye500 0]

Hi all. I don't post much but I can't think of another forum where I might get some support/advice.

My husband's been in the US for two months and I'm having a REALLY hard time helping him adjust. Before he came here I thought it would be fun to see the world from his perspective (and sometimes it is). But I feel like a bad wife because I constantly question if this was the right decision. He's a nice person and he's very loving but..........I don't always have the energy or patience to explain things or to go the extra mile to take care of him. I've read that it takes five years for people to transition to life in the US. Honestly, that sounds like a very very long time.

Am I the only one feeling this way? How have others dealth their or their SO's transition?

S

Hi,

You are doing very good, atleast you are have the sentivity to know how he feels. But please don't rush things, give him time and i guarantee you he will be watching Monday night football on the regular. These things tales time and encouragements. Guide him and let him know that you are only helping to make things easier, everybody as had to go thru these steps before it became easier. Please don't give up, every steps get you closer to your goal !!! Goodluck. Also, You can get him a cable TV pending the time he gets a job.

It depends on who is transitioning, It could take months or years. It depends on individuals and how fast they are willing to learn new things. BUT A BIRD IN HAND IS BETTER THAN A MILLION IN THE BUSH !!!

Edited August 28, 2006 by Taye500

[Kanyiri 0]

Yeah, it's difficult. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience. There are times when I snap from hearing the "what? what?" all the time. After the frustration goes away I then hug him and apologize. I must say that he has learned a tremendous amount in the eight months that he has been here. It will get better. Just give it time.

And as someone else here mentioned, it helps A LOT to visit his home. That way you can see where he is coming from and just how much of an adjustment he is making. I had the luxury of living in my husband's country for two years. It taught me his culture and just how much he is changing to live in the US with me. Simple things like, in his culture when the woman bleeds, the man will not sleep with her, touch her, eat her food, or drink any water brought by her. It took a lot for him to get over that and even sit next to me when it was that time of the month. There are probably millions of things like this that your husband is changing, that you never realize b/c he never told you.

Just think of it this way, the more you explain to him right now, the less you will have to explain next year. If you hold back now, he'll be asking again.

If you get frustrated, take some time to yourself. Go out with your friends, and let your husband stay at home and watch TV (with the captions on). That way he is learning the culture and you are relaxing for the night and looking forward to coming home to your husband. Get him either a job or a volunteer opportunity or into some community class. That way someone else is also answering some of his questions.

Yes, it gets frustrating, but you can handle it. Just don't hide any of these frustrations from your husband. Talk about everything. If he can't understand what you are saying the first time, then alter the words and try communicating in a different way.

You'll get through this. Next year, you'll be much better. Don't forget your love for him.

[a&o 4]

Hi,

I've been pretty lucky, too, to have lived in my fiance's country for a couple of years and to have lived with him for one of those years. I still face cross-cultural challenges almost daily. I think 20% my fiance and my sentences when we talk together start out with "In my culture," or "To us, this would seem" or "The way we think of it here."

If you haven't had a chance to live in Ethiopia for an extended period of time, it might be helpful to read about the culture (you've probably already done that) and find traditions to fit into your home life. Eating rituals, Ethiopian meals, fabrics or traditional clothes to wear at home, little bits of his language to use with each other. I guess it's tricky to balance having these things without going overboard and making him homesick, but some of it could help.

In the Peace Corps they gave us two and a half months of intensive training on how to adjust in a new culture, so it must be very hard for someone to do it on their own or help someone else to do it alone. I know that various organizations give immigrants (especially refugees) courses on how to adapt in the U.S. Maybe they have such a thing at community colleges, too? If you can pick up any books or other materials on cross-cultural adaptation you might find more tips. There's a great book called "Into Africa" that helped me a lot.

Culture shock is hard to define, but it's huge. It usually takes 6 months for the shock alone to wear off, and about 5 years sounds right in terms of assimilating and feeling comfortable.

And love will help you through a lot, of course. But it's important to communicate to him that it's pretty tiring to be the guide all the time, so that he knows why you get frustrated.

Good luck!

[southernchic 0]

Its so great to read all of the posts. I'm encouraged to continue just taking things one day at a time.

Our main problem is communication. The way he speaks to me as translated in his language tends to rub me the wrong way. It always comes across as being WAY more demanding than he intends. Also, when he starts a conversation i find myself feeling more confused by what he's saying. For example, he'll watch me make and drink tea and will ask, "are you drinking tea?" I'll get confused/frustrated and say, "you just watched me make the tea. Why are you asking me if I'm drinking tea?" And that, of course, starts an arguement bc I've hurt his feelings.

Thanks, for all the support. I love hearing these stories.

[saturn5man 0]

Its so great to read all of the posts. I'm encouraged to continue just taking things one day at a time.

Our main problem is communication. The way he speaks to me as translated in his language tends to rub me the wrong way. It always comes across as being WAY more demanding than he intends. Also, when he starts a conversation i find myself feeling more confused by what he's saying. For example, he'll watch me make and drink tea and will ask, "are you drinking tea?" I'll get confused/frustrated and say, "you just watched me make the tea. Why are you asking me if I'm drinking tea?" And that, of course, starts an arguement bc I've hurt his feelings.

Thanks, for all the support. I love hearing these stories.

I would suspect that he's actually practicing his conversational English here. You know...how a child does when learning to speak. They very often say the most silly (to an adult) things and repeat themselves time after time but this is how they learn to interact.

Try to take a deep breath each time this happens and eventually things should fall into place. His conversation will move on after this phase. However, I would prepare yourself for quite a long haul before he is fully conversational.

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and try to imagine how you would fare if you had been the one to settle in his home country. Customs, language etc. A daunting prospect in Ethiopia, I would venture.

Best wishes to you both......Neil in NC.

[Kanyiri 0]

Its so great to read all of the posts. I'm encouraged to continue just taking things one day at a time.

Our main problem is communication. The way he speaks to me as translated in his language tends to rub me the wrong way. It always comes across as being WAY more demanding than he intends. Also, when he starts a conversation i find myself feeling more confused by what he's saying.

The demand thing sounds like a direct translation. My husband's tribe never really uses "please" and "thank you." It's kind of assumed. I made a point to learn those words in his language, but I think I was the only one to ever use them. People started using them with me after they saw how important I made it sound. It took two years to get Re to consistently use please and thank you. To him it is an unnecessary addition, but he knows how much it means to me, so he uses them regularly. Now he will even correct me if I forget to say them or if anyone else around him doesn't say it, he is starting to get offended by it. :-)

As for the tea thing, we have the opposite issue. I'll ask him questions like that as just a stupid conversation maker, and he'll be upset that I asked him the obvious.

You are in a huge transition time. Your husband has to get used to the US - the culture and being away from his family. You have to get used to him, he has to get used to you, and the two of you have to get used to being married. The beginning is never easy.

[joej 0]

Its so great to read all of the posts. I'm encouraged to continue just taking things one day at a time.

Our main problem is communication. The way he speaks to me as translated in his language tends to rub me the wrong way. It always comes across as being WAY more demanding than he intends. Also, when he starts a conversation i find myself feeling more confused by what he's saying. For example, he'll watch me make and drink tea and will ask, "are you drinking tea?" I'll get confused/frustrated and say, "you just watched me make the tea. Why are you asking me if I'm drinking tea?" And that, of course, starts an arguement bc I've hurt his feelings.

Thanks, for all the support. I love hearing these stories.

Adjusting can be so hard on both spouses. I and many many others on here know how you feel. Once you get through the first few months, and learn each others ways, it can get much better. I too noticed that many arguments came out of our different ways of speaking and understanding what was said. Hang in there though, and try to remember what it was that brought you together in the first place.

Best Wishes

[southernchic 0]

I would suspect that he's actually practicing his conversational English here. You know...how a child does when learning to speak. They very often say the most silly (to an adult) things and repeat themselves time after time but this is how they learn to interact.

Try to take a deep breath each time this happens and eventually things should fall into place. His conversation will move on after this phase. However, I would prepare yourself for quite a long haul before he is fully conversational.

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and try to imagine how you would fare if you had been the one to settle in his home country. Customs, language etc. A daunting prospect in Ethiopia, I would venture.

Best wishes to you both......Neil in NC.

Thanks for the post and the advice. You know what's interesting is that Sultan says in his culture they begin a discussion with a question about the obvious. And then a conversation will flow from there. From my perspective, it always seems odd that he would ask me these strange questions. Once I realized that he would begin a convo by asking a very obvious discussion, I'd do the same to him and we'd laugh. But trust me it was after having three or four confusing conversations.

I will say this. Learning about a new culture is very interesting. And it is sometimes entertaining, too. One day i'll have to tell the story of when we I was cooking dinner for Sultan and he feel asleep. When he awoke he said, "where's my food?" He was serious and alittle bit pissed off. Of course I got really mad (bc I'm a modern, feminist-type). Let's just say that by the end of this situation a few days later I'd educated him about modern american men (and how they're are changing diapers and taking family leave), the feminist movement and Roe v. Wade. I can totally look back on this story and laugh.

[AubreyJ 0]

Wow. I just read the entire conversation aloud to my husband. I can't even say how much I sympathize with you. We find ourselves having arguments about the same exact type of things that end up seeming so silly later. The language is a big one, and strange (to me) customs. Kanyiri- Awal laughed SO much about 'that time of the month'.. I still am not supposed to walk over his legs then..

Anyways.. we have argued a lot. BUT each time we do, we have the strength in our relationship to work through it together. And it is a difficult process, but it really makes us stronger each time. We are fighting less and less now, and I really believe that one day it will subside almost altogether. I think that you just need to remeber what it is that holds you together- not these small things that end up being almost superficial later. Especially when we argue about things like language, I have to breathe, step back and realize that no, English is not his first language, and it's difficult for him, let alone our customs and culture. I think all of the things that others have suggested are good ideas- help him meet others and make sure that you have some time to yourself to breathe. You will work through it, and when you do it will be that much better.

[Taye500 0]

Its so great to read all of the posts. I'm encouraged to continue just taking things one day at a time.

Our main problem is communication. The way he speaks to me as translated in his language tends to rub me the wrong way. It always comes across as being WAY more demanding than he intends. Also, when he starts a conversation i find myself feeling more confused by what he's saying. For example, he'll watch me make and drink tea and will ask, "are you drinking tea?" I'll get confused/frustrated and say, "you just watched me make the tea. Why are you asking me if I'm drinking tea?" And that, of course, starts an arguement bc I've hurt his feelings.

Thanks, for all the support. I love hearing these stories.

Hi,

Once again i think you are doing good. And i also think you guys are fighting over petty things. I can't help but laugh so hard as i'm typing this. Please be patient and learn about his culture and teach yours and things will be a lot easier. If he asks silly questions, Answer with silly but loving attitude and he will learn slowly to sharpen that silliness up next time around. Please be patient and display love.

[ijeme 0]

Have you noticed some Africans by culture tend to sound more brass or direct than Americans. In tone (or should I say LOUDNESS) and in choice of vocabulary. I have often heard the one word command "Take" used in Lagos. Here we say, help me with this, hold this, grab or take this

Picture this, a woman observes a husband in a check out line passing groceries to his wife, she notices the wife is temporary distracted by the cashier when she hears the Nigerian husband bellowing "Take" from the opposite end of the counter as he passes the plantain. Without a word the wife takes the plantain and meets the peering eyes of the woman. What do you think the woman thoughts are?

Do you think the husband was rude? Should the wife have stood with one hand on her hip and educated her man right then and there about the “MAGIC” word before taking the plantain?

[southernchic 0]

I can say for sure that my husband (from Ethiopia) can come across as rude sometimes. And when he's on the phone w/other Ethiopians he speaks VERY loudly.

What I do is to try to coach him ahead of time or if we're in a restaurant or something, I'll just whisper to him the polite phrase to use if he wants a toothpick or something.

S

MAGIC word? Yeah your husband sounded a little bit rude...but its hard to correct him effectively in the middle of the grocery story. Perhaps just saying..."honey please." And he'll say, "what?"

"Just try to say please or something." I understand, though. Its hard not to get a little angry because its so abrupt.