Prenuptial

[Judy & Eugene 16]

Dear VJers,

My NOA2 finally is coming closer and with it the wedding too. I'll be so happy when I'm finally reunited with the one I love. Yet a few practical things are worrying me...

Originally my future husband told me he'd like for us to sign a prenuptial. Recently he told me he loved me so much he doesn't think this is necessary anymore. Yet I'm not so sure if this is true and I like to find that out before it is too late...

This is the situation:

I don't have any savings, he has been saving quite well.

We both own a property, mine seems to be worth more than his.

He has an ex wife that he is still paying for as well as two grown up sons.

He has a nice job. I have a nice carreer myself, but will have to give up my current job and look for something else once I move to the US. I am pretty sure with everything that I studied that I'll make a nice carreer over there too.

Because of moving I'll have to leave most of my possessions behind (except for my pet and some clothes), which is a small sacrifice that I'm happy to make for the love I get in return.

Also we are planning on selling both our properties in the next few years and buying a nice place together.

Now I'm not familiar at all with US law (or more specifically Virginia Law), but I wonder what would happen if things should not work out between us (and end up with a divorce) without having any prenuptials or agreement on paper.

But what even worries me more is what would happen if he would decrease before me. Something I don't like to think about, but which isn't unconceivable, since he is more than 10 years older than me. Would it then be possible for his sons to ask for their part and me to be forced to sell my house? Or could I be restricted to have only the beneficial interest in the possesions/property, which is a concept I wouldn't like much either.

As we aren't planning on getting any children together, it is evident, that I want his sons to inheritate everything after we both pass away. It's just that although both boys are really nice persons, I would not want to risk to be my assets taken away from me and end up on the street after my husbands passing away.

It's an ugly thing to think about, but I'd feel stupid if I'd just ignore it for now and then one day regret my passivity.I worked to hard for my property and also wouldn't like to see to be taken away what I inherite some day from my parents.

So I would REALLY appreciate a lot any possible feedback or advice on prenuptials or any other usefull information concerning my specific situation.

Thanks a lot in advance for your well appreciated help!

[Barbara J 115]

Dear VJers,

My NOA2 finally is coming closer and with it the wedding too. I'll be so happy when I'm finally reunited with the one I love. Yet a few practical things are worrying me...

Originally my future husband told me he'd like for us to sign a prenuptial. Recently he told me he loved me so much he doesn't think this is necessary anymore. Yet I'm not so sure if this is true and I like to find that out before it is too late...

This is the situation:

I don't have any savings, he has been saving quite well.

We both own a property, mine seems to be worth more than his.

He has an ex wife that he is still paying for as well as two grown up sons.

He has a nice job. I have a nice carreer myself, but will have to give up my current job and look for something else once I move to the US. I am pretty sure with everything that I studied that I'll make a nice carreer over there too.

Because of moving I'll have to leave most of my possessions behind (except for my pet and some clothes), which is a small sacrifice that I'm happy to make for the love I get in return.

Also we are planning on selling both our properties in the next few years and buying a nice place together.

Now I'm not familiar at all with US law (or more specifically Virginia Law), but I wonder what would happen if things should not work out between us (and end up with a divorce) without having any prenuptials or agreement on paper.

But what even worries me more is what would happen if he would decrease before me. Something I don't like to think about, but which isn't unconceivable, since he is more than 10 years older than me. Would it then be possible for his sons to ask for their part and me to be forced to sell my house? Or could I be restricted to have only the beneficial interest in the possesions/property, which is a concept I wouldn't like much either.

As we aren't planning on getting any children together, it is evident, that I want his sons to inheritate everything after we both pass away. It's just that although both boys are really nice persons, I would not want to risk to be my assets taken away from me and end up on the street after my husbands passing away.

It's an ugly thing to think about, but I'd feel stupid if I'd just ignore it for now and then one day regret my passivity.I worked to hard for my property and also wouldn't like to see to be taken away what I inherite some day from my parents.

So I would REALLY appreciate a lot any possible feedback or advice on prenuptials or any other usefull information concerning my specific situation.

Thanks a lot in advance for your well appreciated help!

I hate to say it but if you are thinking pre nuptials now or he was and has changed his mind then you are seriously having doubts about this marriage and relationship. If you are concerned about him passing before you then I strongly suggest you write a will ASAP after your marriage and stipulate exactly what you want done with your assets. After you marry you need to contact a lawyer and get a will written up and make sure all your wishes are met in that will.

When you marry and you sell both properties and buy a new one just make sure everything is in both names so you have some claim over things.

I wish you luck and hopefully you will get more ideas from the people on VJ here.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Adults that have children from prior relationships should always document their intentions in regards to assets prior to marriage. It isn't a sign of doubt or lack of love. It is just a wise thing to do. You can write it in a way that the terms change ( or vanish) as the marriage ages . My sister did this with her rather well off husband with adult children. For the first 10 years of marriage she would have only gotten 2 properties and a specified amount of money a month. Then it changed to about twice that, now she only leave the business assets to the prior children.

[Y&E 12]

Personally I have no problem with prenups as they protect both parties to some extent. In the event of his death his children shouldn't be able to remove any property from you that you own under your own name but I would make sure that you both write a will naming each other as beneficiaries in the event of either of your deaths. I'm not sure that a prenup would have any effect on a will if the children contested it but you should be more protected under the law with a will than you would be without one.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

Note all states don't honor prenups, but a Will will super succeed a prenup.

Both parties can make their wishes known in a Will.

[tallcoolone 102]

In my state, Texas is a community property state. If you live in a community property state, A prenup will keep his ex wife taking him to court and trying to include your salary as part of his income and thus making him pay more child support

Also with a prenup, you or he could file bankruptcy and it would not effect the other person in a marriage.

PreNups have their advantage

You can also get a Post Nup after a marriage

[Fandango 1,439]

I hate to say it but if you are thinking pre nuptials now or he was and has changed his mind then you are seriously having doubts about this marriage and relationship.

Totally disagreed. To tell a stranger how she feels about her own relationship, based on a few sentences, is quite frankly, preposterous.

OP, I agree with the general sentiment that both of you drawing up wills is the right way to go. Good luck!

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Will are drawn to dispose of property at the death of one or both of the parties. Prenups are about division of property if the union falls apart and both parties are still alive. Although similar they aren't the same. If I am dead I am not as concerned where I will be tomorrow night. If I am alive I certainly don't want to loose property ( my home) that I owned prior to being married. Because I have adult children , the will and a prenup look almost the same other than most of the items going to my children are going to me.

[james&olya 1,121]

I hate to say it but if you are thinking pre nuptials now or he was and has changed his mind then you are seriously having doubts about this marriage and relationship.

Why do you think that? The OP made clear about her concerns regarding what happens if her husband dies before she does. The opposite could also be a problem from the sons' point of view. Much better to have a pre-nuptial that spells it all out now! If you don't you are only asking for needless trouble at some point in the future!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Pre-nups are sometimes not worth the paper they're written on, I won't go into detail but I have this on the authority of a highly experience family lawyer.

My father has a family trust that in the event of divorce cannot be broken until certain conditions are met. His previous wife (before my mother) attempted to break up the trust but was unsuccessful.

I personally believe in the Family Trust (of which I and my siblings will take over when dad passes) but mostly I believe in my partner and we are/were equal when we entered the relationship. I know some things just can't be anticipated though so if you would feel better with a pre-nup, do that.

A Will can have a clause put in that gives everything to you (or a portion) and on your passing everything to his kids. If you're worried about being out on the street there can be a trust put in place allowing you to live in the house until you die (or move out ) and then it passes to the kids. Some people put money in a trust that pays the property taxes etc, or sometimes you're the one that needs to pay for the upkeep of the house for the period you live there. There's all sorts of things that a Will can do and the only way to know what will work for you is to sit down and talk to a lawyer. It's also in your interest to see your OWN lawyer who has your interests in mind.

Regarding your property, you could come to an agreement where you each pay 50% of the purchase price of a new home so that you both own it equally and both names go on the Deed (title). There is a way to divide the house by shares but that just seems to difficult and a bit pedantic. The way that you own the house usually the survivor on the property deed gets the house. If you haven't bought the joint house yet his Will will be what leaves you with something/anything.

If you're insistent on the pre-nup I would say something like you need to at least leave the relationship with everything you entered the relationship with (if you don't have the same amount of money you could say something like the same amount percentage wise) and then everything gained after the marriage split 50/50. This way it's fair to both of you. Your (soon) husband could have a Will set up that his estate is sectioned off into trusts.

Anyway it's very involved so I suggest you speak to a lawyer.

On the relationship front, I've seen couples go from madly in love to hating each other so I know how relationships can change. I wish I could say "that will never happen to me & Tony" but i don't KNOW that. I know that I can (and will) most definitely try to not let it happen but if I had money/assets to protect and kids then I would do what I had to. Love is blind sometimes and I wouldn't want my kids to suffer.

[Barbara J 115]

Why do you think that? The OP made clear about her concerns regarding what happens if her husband dies before she does. The opposite could also be a problem from the sons' point of view. Much better to have a pre-nuptial that spells it all out now! If you don't you are only asking for needless trouble at some point in the future!

My problem with this whole scenario is that he changed his mind and wants one now. To me there is an element of distrust here thats all. I was married for 25 years and never even thought about a pre nup and I am married again now and again not even the mention of it. And to be honest this is about immigration problems not marriage problems. We are here to encourage and help those going through immigration not marriage or pre marriage counseling.

But yes I had my 2 cents worth and this is the end of it.

Edited January 17, 2011 by Barbara J

[James and Cynthia 70]

My problem with this whole scenario is that he changed his mind and wants one now. To me there is an element of distrust here thats all. I was married for 25 years and never even thought about a pre nup and I am married again now and again not even the mention of it. And to be honest this is about immigration problems not marriage problems. We are here to encourage and help those going through immigration not marriage or pre marriage counseling.

But yes I had my 2 cents worth and this is the end of it.

I think you got this backwards. I believe she said he originally wanted one, but now knows they're in love enough that he doesn't need one.

-James

Edited January 18, 2011 by James and Cynthia

[Barbara J 115]

I think you got this backwards. I believe she said he originally wanted one, but now knows they're in love enough that he doesn't need one.

-James

Notice the last few words----Originally my future husband told me he'd like for us to sign a prenuptial. Recently he told me he loved me so much he doesn't think this is necessary anymore. Yet I'm not so sure if this is true and I like to find that out before it is too late...

[Judy & Eugene 16]

Dear Everyone,

Thank you to all you who provided me with advise and constructive answers.

I want an open and honest communication with my husband (and his sons)on all aspects of our relationship and from the very start of our marriage. Everyone should feel save and cared for, in every possible situation.

Your advises will definitely help me in achieving that kind of harmony.

US marital law is very new to me and thus sometimes confusing for me.

So thanks for all the explanations :-)