Deportation

[mystic 11]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

My heart goes out to you.

You have told him and us VJ'ers that the relationship is over.

You have asked him to leave but he does not.

If I understand correctly the conflict in your heart seems to revolve around feeling guilty for bringing this man close to your children and you are afraid your little one will blame you for sending his new "daddy" away.

Please, if this is the case forgive yourself. I am certain you did the best that you could under the circumstances. People make mistakes all the time and this is a lesson that your children will learn. You have to do what is best for your children and I ask, do you want them to grow up in a household where "daddy" beats mommy and there is physical/emotional conflict?

You seem like a compassionate caring mother and I don't think you want that for your children.

I hope my 2 cents are of use!

Please take care.

And you have just named it almost exactly. I dont feel sorry for myself, i dont feel sorry for him. I feel very badly that my children have gone through all of this, this person has been brought into their lives and to be honest he isnt the first one to come and go....different reason though. My baby he is the only father he has ever known and i feel guilty that he will not have a father in his life however....... I cannot allow the yelling and screaming and hitting walls and the potential to hit me again while i am holding the baby i might add... I do not want this life for them, i had it growing up from my father... i had it during my first marriage of 13 years, and i will not allow it now. I have been struggling since the day i got hit and found out along with that info of other women online during our marriage before he arrived here,,, i found out while he was in jail but the contact with them was in the months just previous to his arrival, right up to a few weeks before... My baby is showing signs of the negative effects of the fights and i always try to not fight back, try to sit and ignore but that just makes him yell more.. i have resorted to picking up the baby and walking out of the house during these times now, i do not want to come home from work, dont want to be home when i am there... This is not the life for them we are far better off alone. I feel guilty for the years i have put my children through this ordeal of bringing him here and getting them to trust him to have this happen in the end

[mystic 11]

There was a former member whose husband was jailed for domestic violence plus had a no contact order issued and he still was given a green card. Not that this is a good thing. I sure hope you don't plan on filing for ROC for this man so he can continue this behavior. Class A misdemeanor battery only 4 months into his stay in the US doesn't look good. Show him the door and change the locks. Unless you enjoy this behavior and it's working for you.

it occured 30 days after his arrival lol not even 4 months, i have been 3 months trying to forgive and move on.. but continued yelling and such keeps happening, no physical contact but still, punching walls or floors the screaming, i just cant do it, not with my kids, not for myself. and to clarify it more, for those that think its culture shock, no he doesnt work yes it is stressful however, that particular day, he did what he did because i refused to argue with him, i was sitting quietly with my baby and ignoring his screaming. There is no excuse, ever even if i was screaming back but i wasnt.

Edited January 7, 2011 by mystic

[mystic 11]

anyway thank you to those that have replied. I did do more research on the matter and have found that it is very possible that immigration will show up at our door at any day because of the domestic advocate that was involved mentioning she thought prosecution would report it to immigration due to my child being involved. So immigration may very well already be aware of it. I found that it is grounds for deportation as any conviction of domestic battery be it felony or misdemeanor is mandatory deportation... so basically if they do not pick him up before the attempt of removal of conditions that they would do so at that time and also if he leaves to visit his family they will block him from returning when he tries to enter the states because his fingerprint scan and passport scan will pull the record of the conviction up and then its over.

I have been struggling for months with this and just recently figured out the immigration issue of it,, but if i am honest with myself the signs were there, it slowly escalated to this point and all the so strong feelings i had for this man of love, have slowly been killed off. Its very sad however its over. I know from experience that this just never stops its a horrible circle.. but i am putting a stop to the circle ,, NOW.

I really hope all of you have better luck in your journeys and that you are happy forever and able to over come all the obstacles ahead.. prayers for all

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like this is the only type of life you know and that is extremely sad and tragic. Is your husband still in your home? If so, please for your childrens' sake have him removed. Don't wait for immigration to do it because that may take awhile (if ever). Like you said, you need to end it now and protect your children and yourself. If it takes a restraining order, so be it. Your youngest child is still young enough to not have any memories or negative effects of his behavior. Please don't let this type of behavior be the norm for your children so they end up repeating the cycle of abuse that you've experienced your whole life.

[mystic 11]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like this is the only type of life you know and that is extremely sad and tragic. Is your husband still in your home? If so, please for your childrens' sake have him removed. Don't wait for immigration to do it because that may take awhile (if ever). Like you said, you need to end it now and protect your children and yourself. If it takes a restraining order, so be it. Your youngest child is still young enough to not have any memories or negative effects of his behavior. Please don't let this type of behavior be the norm for your children so they end up repeating the cycle of abuse that you've experienced your whole life.

I hope he doesnt have any lasting effects of it, he is 21 months. The other children well, the oldest 2 yeah, they remember some of the occurances with their father, the 11 year old girl was about 2 and half nearing 3 when i put a stop to that situation as well. Since then there had been no violence in our home ... until now. No yelling no hitting nothing.... That was what i was trying to protect them from when i left their father, sure never thought i was bringing it back into their lives 7 and half years later.

If i have to have him removed from the home i will, trying to play this civily for now, i believe arrangements started being made for him today..godwilling

[amysaid 9]

Why dont you head over to mena boards and ask them? They are very familiar with the culture and they can offer their opinions

Unless he removes conditions with you, he wont be able to remove them alone. Immigration isnt going to let him remove them alone.

Please post in the mena forum. You need their help and advice.

Are you kidding me? post in the MENA boards because we are familiar with that culture? the culture of what, wife-beating? i don't think mena would be any more helpful than the people here. unfortunately spousal abuse happens at every point on the globe.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Why dont you head over to mena boards and ask them? They are very familiar with the culture and they can offer their opinions

Unless he removes conditions with you, he wont be able to remove them alone. Immigration isnt going to let him remove them alone.

Please post in the mena forum. You need their help and advice.

If there's any cultural reason why the crime of spousal abuse would be acceptable to him then it will be impossible for him to adapt to civilized life in America, and he should not be here.

There are three distinct ways that an immigrant can get a waiver of the joint filing requirements and remove conditions on their own; divorce, abuse, and severe hardship. The divorce waiver is relatively easy to get - you only need evidence that you entered the marriage in good faith, and a copy of the divorce decree.

Her husband is now in the United States. This isn't a MENA problem. Her husband is a criminal.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I hope he doesnt have any lasting effects of it, he is 21 months. The other children well, the oldest 2 yeah, they remember some of the occurances with their father, the 11 year old girl was about 2 and half nearing 3 when i put a stop to that situation as well. Since then there had been no violence in our home ... until now. No yelling no hitting nothing.... That was what i was trying to protect them from when i left their father, sure never thought i was bringing it back into their lives 7 and half years later.

If i have to have him removed from the home i will, trying to play this civily for now, i believe arrangements started being made for him today..godwilling

There are several petitioners that are presently in a similar situation that were petitioning around the same time. One messaged me last week. Hopefull she will read your post and message you in PM. You are not the only one who has been held hostage by an ROC. One had to get a court ordered restraining order because he was battering her pregnant. He was from Egypt as well.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Are you kidding me? post in the MENA boards because we are familiar with that culture? the culture of what, wife-beating? i don't think mena would be any more helpful than the people here. unfortunately spousal abuse happens at every point on the globe.

There are several petioners who are presently embroiled in a similar problem and they read the mena boards. I received a message from someone who brought their spouse from Egypt last year and she was battered. If she posts in MENA, then the women that are in similar situations can find them. Its hard to connect with other women going through the same thing posting on this boards. MENA is a great place to connect with other women facing similar hardships. They dont post but they do privately message. I know 2 that are not posting that are presently either being battered or dealing with trying to separate from spouses and they can find each other if they post in mena

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I hope he doesnt have any lasting effects of it, he is 21 months. The other children well, the oldest 2 yeah, they remember some of the occurances with their father, the 11 year old girl was about 2 and half nearing 3 when i put a stop to that situation as well. Since then there had been no violence in our home ... until now. No yelling no hitting nothing.... That was what i was trying to protect them from when i left their father, sure never thought i was bringing it back into their lives 7 and half years later.

If i have to have him removed from the home i will, trying to play this civily for now, i believe arrangements started being made for him today..godwilling

Id be more worried about DCF. If you have been battered and DCF knows about it, they will remove the other children in your house from their care. If any of your children tells their school or daycare or any other provider that their step dad is terrorising their mom, someone will call protective services and you will end up with them in your house. If they know you are continuing to be battered, DCF can step in a remove your children from your care. You absolutely need to have your spouse talk with someone in the know and that continuing to batter you will bring on charges of child neglect. You need to make sure your kids are not listening to all of this. You are not the only woman who has brought someone from MENA and begun to be battered. If you post your story there, women will privately message you that are being battered. Most will not post on the boards but some do. Tell your story and then women that read the boards regularly can find you. You will get alot of comments but you will get alot of private messages as well and support and you will get similar stories from people who have been through it. This is specifically why I posted that women with young kids, especially ones who have been exposed to domestic violence perhaps should not enter the stressful process of petitioning someone to the US due to the stress involved. Its hard enough for completely emotionally healthy people. Your kids needs to be your priority. From what I have read, he can remove conditions on his own by showing he entered in good faith and you divorced him just because you didnt get along . You need to move quickly before you end up with DCF involved.

[Fandango 1,439]

Get him out of the house TODAY. Worry about immigration later, but right now, the most important thing is to ensure your safety and the safety of your children.

As to your small children and this being 'the only father they've ever known'.....he is not acting like a father. He is beating you and emotionally scarring your children. Him being around your children doesn't do one positive thing, only negative. Better the children grow up with a safe and happy mother w no father, rather than a mother who gets beaten and stays, in order to give her children a father figure.

Please do it today.

[Golden Gate 530]

"You need to move quickly before you end up with DCF..."

A lot of what you say is true, in terms of that she should be concerned about her children and protecting them. I agree with that. It is also true that other agencies might look at her situation and try to protect her children from the situation.

What I find disrespectful are your judgemental posts about people from MENA, which I find very condescending. My previous relationship was abusive, and I have two children from that relationship. Certainly they had to experience things they should never have had to. Hot oil was thrown on my belly when I was pregnant!

My ex was not from a MENA country. He was from another country close to the U.S. However, I do not feel the need to disparage other men in his country because of my experience. It was a domestic abuse issue. We were both caught in the cycle of abuse. I went to a domestic abuse counselor and it took me years to finally move out and move on. Now, my children have a relationship with their father separate from me. From my perspective, he is trying to improve himself and learn from his behavior, because he loves his children a lot. His children will come to their own conclusions about him, and because they are his children, their relationship is totally different than ours was. As miserable as I was, I don't want to disparage even him, because what good does that do? We are all human beings on our own journeys. We all have things to learn.

When you are in a domestic abuse situation, the best thing is to seek counseling for yourself and focus on helping yourself. When you can see in yourself what draws you into such situations, you can avoid them no matter the cultural background.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Golden Gate

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

"You need to move quickly before you end up with DCF..."

A lot of what you say is true, in terms of that she should be concerned about her children and protecting them. I agree with that. It is also true that other agencies might look at her situation and try to protect her children from the situation.

What I find disrespectful are your judgemental posts about people from MENA, which I find very condescending. My previous relationship was abusive, and I have two children from that relationship. Certainly they had to experience things they should never have had to. Hot oil was thrown on my belly when I was pregnant!

My ex was not from a MENA country. He was from another country close to the U.S. However, I do not feel the need to disparage other men in his country because of my experience. It was a domestic abuse issue. We were both caught in the cycle of abuse. I went to a domestic abuse counselor and it took me years to finally move out and move on. Now, my children have a relationship with their father separate from me. From my perspective, he is trying to improve himself and learn from his behavior, because he loves his children a lot. His children will come to their own conclusions about him, and because they are his children, their relationship is totally different than ours was. As miserable as I was, I don't want to disparage even him, because what good does that do? We are all human beings on our own journeys. We all have things to learn.

When you are in a domestic abuse situation, the best thing is to seek counseling for yourself and focus on helping yourself. When you can see in yourself what draws you into such situations, you can avoid them no matter the cultural background.

I absolutely agree with you but there is absolutely nothing wrong with her reaching out on the same board she used to post on because there are several women who read the boards regularly and who will communicate with her in PM. They cannot post openly because often their spouses or ex spouses are reading the boards but they are there and available to talk. I also agree about the origin point. Unfortunately, this poster is not involved with the father of her children. She is involved with someone she sponsored to come over who is abusing her in front of her kids and DCF, knowing that her children are not only living with someone charged with hitting their mom, but knowing that he is verbally abusing her in front of the kids and slamming things, could bring a case against her for child endangerment. From my understanding, if a man is charged with domestic violence, he is not supposed to even be in the house with the kids and the fact that she is feeling held hostage by the ROC process is not really that uncommon. I wish an immigration lawyer could speak to him and explain to him filing without her so he would feel safe enough to leave her. I honestly dont think he will leave until he removes conditions.

The only reason I said something about DCF is that I would hate to think that this guy became the reason her children were removed from her home, which if they tell people whats going on, DCF may very well get involved. That would be a tragedy and its completely preventable

[mystic 11]

well i typed this out once but it didnt go for some reason..

This is where my journey ends.

After posting the previous posts i told him he has to leave he refused to believe that we are finished. Said to let him stay until finishes probation and community service and i refused, he called in some islamic foundation to talk to me on his behalf to change my mind, in the end they decided he needed to leave after hearing my side. I talked to probation officer and prosecution to find out how to get him to be able to go back to egypt, well found out that he doesnt have community service due to paperwork error and that all that was needed was 390 in fees and he had known that for some time, had been asking to be able to leave to vegas not egypt telling them i am abusive to him hahah , the probation officer had been asking to talk to me and he refused permission. So when i called her she informed me and i let her know that i need him out of usa because i am financially responsible. so with her on phone i told him her deal,, 390 in fees and a ticket in hand to egypt and he is able to go,... he refused it with her on phone as witness

after hung up said his family will give him the money and i said you have one day to get it and get out or i call immigration and report the conviction... he said not to do that he will get the money and go..... later prosecution called me and told me that probation requested a review of his case and told me the time and date and passed that on to him. I left for work.

I came home and played with baby and talked with my 18 yr old daughter, put baby to bed and went to sleep, he stayed in the computer room that he sleeps in all that time so i never saw him.

8 am i got woke up to a phone call saying he is at prosecutors office with scratches all over face and neck trying to press charges against me for it.

i told her i havent even seen him since i was on phone with you yesterday and told him about the court date,, she said are you kidding i said no, call the school and verify with my daughter if you like cause she was here unti 15 min ago when she got on bus... it takes 35 min to drive to prosecution office and it was his story he took a taxi. so i offered to come in and let them test my fingers and she said not necessary, i also pulled his cell records from online and took them to the office and showed them he had called no one that morning but someone had called and woke him up at 5 am which if he walked to the office was about the right amount of time, about 2 and half hour walk.... his story was that he packed bags and was leaving, waiting on taxi and i attacked him trying to make him stay. They didnt believe him and told him they were not touching me so he said he would take care of me his way then.. they arrested him then, disorderly conduct and revoked bond. Court was friday and the judge denied bond and issued a 2 year no contact protective order, no contact at all not even message through another person, next court feb 17 jail til then he asked for charges to be dropped and allowed to go back to egypt on his own and i spoke up and said i feel he needs escorted out of the usa if he is allowed to go because he told investigator he cant return to egypt and while being fingerprinted screamed he will not go back to egypt over and over , the judge said all that will be decided at a much later time..... i contacted immigration they called me back.. they told me exactly what to tell prosecution to get him out of country, said to have prosecutor or arresting officer call a certain number ask for DRO of my city and tell them they have an egyptian national in custody with a conviction of domestic violence and need a detainer. I said i was worried they would let him out to go back to egypt and he said no, that the detainer will force them into holding him in jail until immigration picks him up for deportation and HE WILL BE DEPORTED FOR THAT CONVICTION...so that is the story ... its ending here, and hopefully he will be out of the usa soon and i will be safe again.

Edited February 3, 2011 by mystic

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]