Parental Sabotage

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Then I am sure someone can cite ONE case where a visa was denied because someone claiming to be the parents called the consulate (not the other way 'round) and stated the marriage was a sham or fraud, etc. Should be easy enough.

I can cite one, but it wasn't a VJ member and it wasn't the consulate in Honduras. The parents didn't want their son marrying a foreigner. They emailed the consulate (consulate doesn't take phone calls) and said their son had been paid to help the foreign girl immigrate. The consulate's FPU called the parents and interviewed them over the phone. The visa was denied citing the FPU investigation.

Anyway, that case doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the consulate in Honduras, so citing it isn't relevant. I don't think it's prudent to tell someone that it won't be a problem unless we know of case with similar circumstances at the same consulate, and we know that it wasn't a problem. Personally, I don't know of such a case. I just know it has been a problem at other consulates.

[Golden Gate 530]

Regarding Arab countries:

I understand that this is the culture. However, I also see a big disconnect between the parents' generation and the child's. Especially if the child is college educated and has a bigger world-view.

Edited January 2, 2011 by Golden Gate

[ArabLoveMorocco 1]

Regarding Arab countries:

I understand that this is the culture. However, I also see a big disconnect between the parents' generation and the child's. Especially if the child is college educated and has a bigger world-view.

You are right that there is a difference between the parent's generation and the child's generation is some aspects (just like it is in any culture in this day and age, including the US). The way "kids" sometimes behave these days in the US (in some aspects) can be descibed as different from how their parents/grandparents used to do things. However there are basic culturual aspects that MOST people of a certain culture abide to. This is mostly true in the more homogenious cultures of the world (Arabs, Asians.....). It has nothing to do with one's education level, how one dress, or if one speaks 10 languages. The culture is part of one's identity, and most people take pride in that. Notice I said "most", and not all people of a certain culture. But the US Embassys in foriegn lands mostly go with what they know as the prevaling cultural norms/tradition of the land (that is only if the beneficiary/petitioner are from that culture). In Morocco, as in any Arab country, it is the cultural norm for the man to go to his girlfriend's father and ask her hand-in-marriage from him. He is usally accompanied by his family members during the "proposal". When I proposed to my fiance, I sat in a room with my fiance's father and all the male members of the family and nerviously "made my pitch". If I had not asked her hand from her father, I would not be considered officially engaged in Morocco (or any other arab country for that matter). This is how the way it is.

Now in Hundoras or in western cultures, the above does not apply...and the US Embassy staff (who live in the foriegn country and know the culture of that country very well) in Hundoras know that it is not important for the parents to approve to make the engagement legitimate.

Good Luck to all.

[Al422 221]

That would make sense. Since it is so unheard of for there to be an engagement in the Arab culture without parental approval, I can see how an explicit parental objection would cause them to wonder if there is a legitimate marriage going on here.

So it looks like a preemptive launch here in a country where such a thing is not the norm could do more harm than good, actually adding credibility to a parental sabotage that might otherwise be disregarded.

But it is still better to research to get better info, and better yet to try to dissuade the parents from doing this in the first place.

[Golden Gate 530]

You are right that there is a difference between the parent's generation and the child's generation is some aspects (just like it is in any culture in this day and age, including the US)..

What if the situation is reversed? I am the petitioner and I am the female?

Also, it makes sense that they would totally consider this in Arab culture, but in these circumstances, we have a mixing of cultures, not just Arab.

Edited January 2, 2011 by Golden Gate

[ArabLoveMorocco 1]

What if the situation is reversed? I am the petitioner and I am the female?

Also, it makes sense that they would totally consider this in Arab culture, but in these circumstances, we have a mixing of cultures, not just Arab.

Well then, in this case you have to go to his family and ask for his hand-in-marriage direcly from him father, and in front of all the male members of his family, and pay his "Maher".....JUST KIDDING!!! You are right, the reverse situation is slightly different (if you are a female, and not Arab). Males are the ones who are supposed to propose, but since in your (the lady's) culture (US/Western) it is not customary to get your parent's approval/blessing for you to get engaged, then your male fiance is "off the hook" as far as meeting your father/family. Besides, he is in Morocco and there is no practical way he could come to the US to ask for your hand from your father (unless you family lives in Morocco). His family, on the other hand, are "expected" to accept you as their new daughter...note that I said expected, and not "required" for your engagment to be official...again, because he is the male. By saying this I am by no means insinuating that our culture regards males as more important. It is simply our culture, and Arab women expect and want their "boyfriend" to ask their hand from their fathers. It is just natural. So your case is a little different, being a non-Arab bride with family abroad.

Good Luck!

[Golden Gate 530]

Well then, in this case you have to go to his family and ask for his hand-in-marriage direcly from him father, and in front of all the male members of his family, and pay his "Maher".....JUST KIDDING!!! You are right, the reverse situation is slightly different (if you are a female, and not Arab). Males are the ones who are supposed to propose, but since in your (the lady's) culture (US/Western) it is not customary to get your parent's approval/blessing for you to get engaged, then your male fiance is "off the hook" as far as meeting your father/family. Besides, he is in Morocco and there is no practical way he could come to the US to ask for your hand from your father (unless you family lives in Morocco). His family, on the other hand, are "expected" to accept you as their new daughter...note that I said expected, and not "required" for your engagment to be official...again, because he is the male. By saying this I am by no means insinuating that our culture regards males as more important. It is simply our culture, and Arab women expect and want their "boyfriend" to ask their hand from their fathers. It is just natural. So your case is a little different, being a non-Arab bride with family abroad.

Good Luck!

Wow! Thanks for your reply. Believe me, I was getting all worried about it! His mom is fine with it, but his dad didn't want him to leave Morocco. However, I think he is coming around to acceptance now.

[Gina & Dan 2]

I agree with the majority of the posts on here about being 28 and knowing what is best for you. I would recommend having a true heart to heart with you family and ask what it is exactly that makes them feel this way. Get the details and talk through them.

My family had problems with my first wife, I did not want to listen to them, and did my own thing. After 15 years of hell and extreme depression. Also spending very little time talking to my family. I can honestly say they were correct, had I actually talked/listened to them I would never have married. I rushed the marriage for the wrong reasons (medical insurance for her kids). They saw her unfaithfullness long before I did. Took me 15 years to realize this fully and decide to give up on the marriage.

Luckily as my divorce is complete and now I met my absolute perfect dream wife, I have finally begun re-establishing my family relationship. They are supportive and excited this tme. A family approval is not Required per law, but it will be very difficult to find happiness without it. I have 2 nephews I have never seen or met

I am not saying you are correct or wrong, I am not saying your parents are correct or wrong. I am saying to have a true conversation where you actually listen (not argue or accuse) to each other, in the end it is your decision. You have the 90 days, perhaps tell them you will have the discussion again before the marriage. Once your fiancee is here and you are sharing a life.

[DarlingNikki 7]

Unfortunately, if your parents call or email the consulate it very well might sink your fiance's chances of getting a visa. They usually take reports from family members pretty seriously.

I think you really need to put your foot down with your parents. It's time to cut that apron string. You've been an adult for a decade now. You're more than old enough to be making these decisions for yourself. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my parents to either accept the decision I made and welcome my fiance into the family, or stay out of it entirely. I'd also make it clear that if they did anything to sabotage the visa then I'd move to Honduras, marry my fiance, and they'd never hear from me again. Ever.

Good point! Unfortunately, although your parents may not have any merit, the consulate still may take any interjection from them into consideration. It's really time that you talk to them and whole heartedly explain to them the situation, what is happening, and how you feel.

[HondurasGirlMeli 0]

OR maybe her parents knows something none of us knows. Why was the post necessary in the 1st place, was it just for venting or advise. So we should be careful of advise given. Is there something culturally involved, b/c it sound as if she needs her parents approval for some reason.

@ATPEACE - I wrote this post for a couple of reasons, #1 - I was afraid. If my dad isn't okay with the situation then he will stop at nothing to deter the relationship. He has implied that he might try calling the embassy. I don't know about you, but the times I've tried calling I can't actually reach a real person. #2 - Venting. & #3 - Advice. I wanted to see what other people know about parental interference.

Regarding what my parents know. They don't actually, and that is part of the problem. They are afraid of every worse case scenario & stereotype. We won't be able to calm those fears until they have actually gotten to know my fiance. We did meet with a pastor who suggested that we do weekly skype calls, after about 10 minutes of arguing my dad finally agreed. We have yet to hold one, but my fiance is very excited to talk with my parents and answer any questions they might have.

One thing I know for sure is that I love my fiance, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I'm committed to this relationship. I took about 3-4 months to research the different types of visa. I told my parents about the fiance visa and what it entailed and then I filed a year later. We're 7 months into this process and I'm not switching gears. Its my fault that my parents choose to ignore the situation (for a year & a half) and waited until the last minute to do something about the process.