When is it Okay to Ask Parents to Pay When Invited to a Birthday Party?

[sachinky 465]

I have never been to a birthday dinner for a grownup where the "host" pays the bill. I always expect to pay either a % of the total bill or for my own meal + a % of the birthday girl or guy's meal. I've also never felt compelled to bring a gift. The gift is the dinner itself. But these sorts of dinners are usually just a verbal invite. If I were to receive a mailed invitation to a birthday dinner, I would not expect to pay.

Ya, NOW I know better. Like I said, though, it was my second week in the States and I wasn't sure about the protocol regarding social outings.

Back home in India, the birthday boy/girl usually foots the bill since it is considered to be their "treat." For the last three years, I've taken a couple of friends (3-4) out for dinner to my favorite Chinese restaurant in Calcutta. Unless it was a surprise thing to begin with or the friends are specifically 'taking the birthday baby out,' it is expected that the host will pay. I suspect this is due to the difference in how 'guests' are perceived and treated in the Indian context. Money is also sort of an awkward matter. Even to this day, at least, those belonging to my parent's generation, will never 'go Dutch.' Someone or the other pays the entire bill and it is simply understood that someone else will cover it the next time.

[^_^ 5,021]

Yeah going Dutch is rude in India. And when the check finally comes, all the 'grownups' do the customary kabuki theater over how badly they would like to pay for it until the person everyone knew would pay for it eventually does. Problem is now I'm considered a 'grownup' but didnt realize it last time* I was there. Also at a chinese place in calcutta and I decided not to play kabuki and just sat there. Later i got an earful from my wife about how I should have 'offered'.

* technically, the second last time, actually.

Edited December 29, 2010 by \

[sachinky 465]

Haha, at least I hopefully have a long way to go before I'm considered a 'grown-up.' Even at almost-24, married and a working woman, I'm still reckoned to be 'one of the children.'

Edited December 29, 2010 by sachinky

[Jenn! 918]

Ya, NOW I know better. Like I said, though, it was my second week in the States and I wasn't sure about the protocol regarding social outings.

Back home in India, the birthday boy/girl usually foots the bill since it is considered to be their "treat." For the last three years, I've taken a couple of friends (3-4) out for dinner to my favorite Chinese restaurant in Calcutta. Unless it was a surprise thing to begin with or the friends are specifically 'taking the birthday baby out,' it is expected that the host will pay. I suspect this is due to the difference in how 'guests' are perceived and treated in the Indian context. Money is also sort of an awkward matter. Even to this day, at least, those belonging to my parent's generation, will never 'go Dutch.' Someone or the other pays the entire bill and it is simply understood that someone else will cover it the next time.

I ran into a lot of problems living in Italy because there is a cultural difference there as well when it comes to paying for the restaurant bill. I think the Italians thought the Americans were tightwads because they generally wanted to pay for what they ate while the Italians would just split the bill evenly. I remember a particularly heated outing that involved Americans eating miso soup and having to pay for several sushi boats, which got kind of ugly. Reminded me of a Friends episode...

[^_^ 5,021]

Heh, at least I hopefully have a long way to go before I'm considered a grown-up. Even at almost-24, married and a working woman, I'm still reckoned to be 'one of the children.

I was a few months shy of 30 during the visit I'm talking about. I think more to the point, I was married and apparently that changes everything. Baccha, no more.

Edited December 29, 2010 by \

[Nina~ 431]

One of my girlfriends invited everyone in our group of girlfriends to a pub for her birthday. She loudly announced "I will provide the cake, but y'all have to buy your own drinks & food" Needless to say, only 1 out of the 12 of us showed up at her party. About a month ago, one of the other girls threw a party at a wine bar and although we paid for our own drinks, she paid for a few bottles of champagne to share with everyone which was much appreciated.

IMO, it is rude in any culture to expect the guests to pay to attend someone else's party.

[Jenn! 918]

IMO, it is rude in any culture to expect the guests to pay to attend someone else's party.

Sorry, but are you familiar with every culture in order to make such an absolute statement? How can you judge what is rude or not in cultures you are not familiar with?

[^_^ 5,021]

Sorry, but are you familiar with every culture in order to make such an absolute statement? How can you judge what is rude or not in cultures you are not familiar with?

Everyone knows it is rude in any culture. And yes, I do know everyone so I can say that.

[Jenn! 918]

Everyone knows it is rude in any culture. And yes, I do know everyone so I can say that.

It's not rude in Steven's hippie subculture of 1.

[^_^ 5,021]

It's not rude in Steven's hippie subculture of 1.

[chri'stina 190]

One of my girlfriends invited everyone in our group of girlfriends to a pub for her birthday. She loudly announced "I will provide the cake, but y'all have to buy your own drinks & food" Needless to say, only 1 out of the 12 of us showed up at her party. About a month ago, one of the other girls threw a party at a wine bar and although we paid for our own drinks, she paid for a few bottles of champagne to share with everyone which was much appreciated.

IMO, it is rude in any culture to expect the guests to pay to attend someone else's party.

It's different in each group of friends I guess. I would expect to pay for my own food and everything if I was invited somewhere to eat for someone else's birthday. I would be shocked if they paid for everyone. Much different than a kids party to me.

[Nina~ 431]

Sorry, but are you familiar with every culture in order to make such an absolute statement? How can you judge what is rude or not in cultures you are not familiar with?

I have lived in a lot of different countries and have a diverse multi-cultural family to know the norms of many (not all) cultures. However, the rules of being a gracious host is more or less commonsense and pretty universal. You just don't invite someone to party and expect them to foot a part of the bill. But a part of being a gracious guest is to offer to pitch in, by bringing a bottle of wine or dessert or just offering to help clean after the party.

If it is something like "hey, lets meet at the bar for a drink" then it is expected that everyone pays for their own drink. But the same rules do not apply when you are hosting a party.

[Jenn! 918]

I have lived in a lot of different countries and have a diverse multi-cultural family to know the norms of many (not all) cultures. However, the rules of being a gracious host is more or less commonsense and pretty universal. You just don't invite someone to party and expect them to foot a part of the bill. But a part of being a gracious guest is to offer to pitch in, by bringing a bottle of wine or dessert or just offering to help clean after the party.

If it is something like "hey, lets meet at the bar for a drink" then it is expected that everyone pays for their own drink. But the same rules do not apply when you are hosting a party.

There is a lot of gray area in between meeting at the bar for a drink and "hosting" a party. Just being the birthday girl or guy doesn't necessarily make you the host - in fact, I've rather understood that you are the guest of honor. What guest of honor would have to foot the bill?! It just comes as a bit of a surprise to me that someone would state that it is unequivocally rude - if that's really the case, I've definitely gotten the shaft as I've attended countless birthday dinners but never "hosted" one of my own, and I've never had anyone foot the bill.

[Nina~ 431]

There is a lot of gray area in between meeting at the bar for a drink and "hosting" a party. Just being the birthday girl or guy doesn't necessarily make you the host - in fact, I've rather understood that you are the guest of honor. What guest of honor would have to foot the bill?! It just comes as a bit of a surprise to me that someone would state that it is unequivocally rude - if that's really the case, I've definitely gotten the shaft as I've attended countless birthday dinners but never "hosted" one of my own, and I've never had anyone foot the bill.

You are right about the difference between being the "host" and "Guest of honor". If my husband calls my friends and say "lets meet at Olive Garden for Nina's birthday", then it is expected that I am the GOH and everyone is going to be footing their own bill. But if I call my friends and say "I am throwing a party at Olive Garden" then it is implied that I am the host and therefore I will be paying a part of the bill.

[Jenn! 918]

You are right about the difference between being the "host" and "Guest of honor". If my husband calls my friends and say "lets meet at Olive Garden for Nina's birthday", then it is expected that I am the GOH and everyone is going to be footing their own bill. But if I call my friends and say "I am throwing a party at Olive Garden" then it is implied that I am the host and therefore I will be paying a part of the bill.

True - I think the key is in the invitation.

Oh, and Steven, why is this issue "political"? (or did you just know that you'd get more response in P&R? )