Guilt

[chris4336 3]

Hey everyone, I'm the woman with the Algerian fiancee living in Spain. We are facing a long road ahead of us for a K1 visa, and just getting started with the process. This week has been a rough one for the both of us.

He has been saying to me repetedly "Please drop/delay medical school and come here, live with me till I get the papers." Besides the fact that I do not want to give up my dream of being a doctor, there are so many practical issues this. He is not working over there, has no papers, and lives with his sister. I would be able to go to Spain on a tourist visa, and at best get a job under the table as a waitress. With no income I would need a co-sponsor for any kind of visa to the US and my parents certainly will not help me out if I drop out of medical school. I have a lease, student loans and insurance payments and very little money in my bank account.

I have no doubt that if all our other options fail I will figure out a way to move to Spain or Algeria. However, I want to leave this as the last option, not the first.

I feel so horribly guilty for not being there for him. Honestly I feel bad enough without him telling me about it. If things continue this way I will not even be able to study.

Just looking for some support.

Thanks,

Christina

[Henia 11]

Hey everyone, I'm the woman with the Algerian fiancee living in Spain. We are facing a long road ahead of us for a K1 visa, and just getting started with the process. This week has been a rough one for the both of us.

He has been saying to me repetedly "Please drop/delay medical school and come here, live with me till I get the papers." Besides the fact that I do not want to give up my dream of being a doctor, there are so many practical issues this. He is not working over there, has no papers, and lives with his sister. I would be able to go to Spain on a tourist visa, and at best get a job under the table as a waitress. With no income I would need a co-sponsor for any kind of visa to the US and my parents certainly will not help me out if I drop out of medical school. I have a lease, student loans and insurance payments and very little money in my bank account.

I have no doubt that if all our other options fail I will figure out a way to move to Spain or Algeria. However, I want to leave this as the last option, not the first.

I feel so horribly guilty for not being there for him. Honestly I feel bad enough without him telling me about it. If things continue this way I will not even be able to study.

Just looking for some support.

Thanks,

Christina

Ya Allah... I am sooo sorry Christina...I am really not sure what to tell you, but my fiancee says brought this idea to the table several times before... I too would be leaving alot I have going here in the US... I myself, am still leaving this option open...but at this point and time it is not our plan...All I can say to you, really think this through, leaving all you worked hard for is not easy...and really only you know what your situation is, and if it is something you should do... My fiancee is Algerian too, and I am going to DZ in a few weeks...if there is anything we could do...inchallah we are here for you...

I am praying for you both...

Peace and Blessings...Henia

[chris4336 3]

Thanks a lot, nice to hear some kind words. The thing is I can sort out in my own head if I'm making excuses cause I want to stay here, or if these are actual legitamate reasons for staying. How long will you be staying in Algeria? How did you and your fiancee work out the plans? I find my fiancee is the one who tends to go with his heart...which is why these things are hard for him.

[Together4ever 1]

Christina,

I would like to share a few things with you. I did go to live with my fiance while I was waiting for appropriate paperwork so we could marry in Egypt. After 8 months of bungled attempts the papers never came. I was broke, he was broke, and there were other circumstances I prefer not to mention here that forced me to leave him behind and return to the USA to file for K1. It was not what we wanted, we wanted to stay together, but circumstances wouldn't let it happen. So 16 months later I am still waiting and hoping for our reunion. We manage. We love each other fiercely. We have had to face emotional strains and hardships together that most "normal" couples don't face in a lifetime. And we survived it and we are stronger together for it. We have become much tighter then just a man and woman because we had to.

I returned to nothing. No home, no car, no job, with only my suitcase. I've managed to get on my feet, have a car, my own apartment, a job... and I'm struggling but making it. I swear the only thing that keeps me moving forward when I want to curl up and die is my love for him and my hope that this stupid visa will appear one day. Four days after I returned, his mother died and he was begging me through tears to please come back to him. I had no finances left to do it and you have no idea how hard that was. He really, justifiably needed me and I couldn't go to him.

I guess my point is this... you really do owe yourself your own future as well as your future as a couple. Your love will carry you both through, but walking away from your schooling at this point might not be so easy pick back up again. These guys are sooooo emotional. He may make noise at first, and he obviously misses you so much, but I'm sure out of love and respect for you he will eventually understand if you choose to continue your schooling and wait out the paper chase. I can tell you feel torn. I would be too. This isn't an easy path any of us have chosen. But you can do it, and you can do it together.

Of course only the 2 of you know what's best for you. Just know there are people who understand and can be a support system if you need it.

[amal 4]

I would really like you to think about something....If you can hang on here until you get ur degree, you and your SO will be SOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER OFF. And I do mean that you'll be better off either here OR there... With a degree, you could be a doctor there as well as here...u c what i'm saying?? Please don't let anything come between you and your studies...even tho it is hard for you now, it will be so much harder if you don't complete your studies.....please be patient and you will be with each other in time ... you will only thank yourself later if you finnish school rather than kicking yourself for quitting........i hope you understand what i'm trying to say here....

best of luck

[chris4336 3]

Thank you all for the replies. I understand this, and was doing okay with this whole process...but when he calls me crying like that i just fall apart :-( Another problem is that he clings to this belief that with my American passport I can move, live, and work anywhere in the world, which sadly is not true ("But you're AMERICAN...")

Thanks for your support.

[goldenheart 0]

Hey everyone, I'm the woman with the Algerian fiancee living in Spain. We are facing a long road ahead of us for a K1 visa, and just getting started with the process. This week has been a rough one for the both of us.

He has been saying to me repetedly "Please drop/delay medical school and come here, live with me till I get the papers." Besides the fact that I do not want to give up my dream of being a doctor, there are so many practical issues this. He is not working over there, has no papers, and lives with his sister. I would be able to go to Spain on a tourist visa, and at best get a job under the table as a waitress. With no income I would need a co-sponsor for any kind of visa to the US and my parents certainly will not help me out if I drop out of medical school. I have a lease, student loans and insurance payments and very little money in my bank account.

I have no doubt that if all our other options fail I will figure out a way to move to Spain or Algeria. However, I want to leave this as the last option, not the first.

I feel so horribly guilty for not being there for him. Honestly I feel bad enough without him telling me about it. If things continue this way I will not even be able to study.

Just looking for some support.

Thanks,

Christina

I sent you a private message in reference to my personal experience on this topic.

I would also like to add that Sigmund Freud suggests that the personality of a person have three aspects: Id, Ego and Superego.

What I found to be very interesting in MEN , especially Middle East men, is they are stuck in Id. .

ID: is the "pleasure principle" I want it and I want it all NOW!!!

They are not thinking of the consequences involved.

For example, My fiance/husband told me that it was an embarrassment in his culture that I'm not pregnant yet.

First, God only knows the best time to start a family and why does the culture place so much pressure on the woman to get pregnant so quickly?

my thoughts to you is....try to understand that your fiance request is only coming from the "Id" perspective and he does not truly understand the consequences of his request. It is up to you to make a decision on your future. I wish you the best!!!!

[Henia 11]

Thanks a lot, nice to hear some kind words. The thing is I can sort out in my own head if I'm making excuses cause I want to stay here, or if these are actual legitamate reasons for staying. How long will you be staying in Algeria? How did you and your fiancee work out the plans? I find my fiancee is the one who tends to go with his heart...which is why these things are hard for him.

Salut Christina...

My fiancee and I have been going round and round on what visa to apply for ... we came to a decision to go for the k1 as it seems to take the shortest time, but after getting some info I think we will be going for the DCF visa I will be going to Algeria on Sept 5 and stay for 2 months. We will be getting married (islamically) and start the legal processing for the marriage in Algeria. As far as I know their investigation takes any where from 2 weeks up to 6 months.

I have put my studies on hold and we are thinking it will be on hold for about one school year. So I do undertsand what you are going through... and um, I have a complication in my case too, (if you like to know I would happily explain you in a PM) I have been going through the immigration system for the past 4 years trying to straighten out my issues...so again I can kinda feel what your guy is going through ... It is not easy and at times I feel I am just going to leave the US and or just break off my relation. But haha that lasts for like a mintue and it is back to business ... another day goes by... and Elhamdullah after 3 years of praying and waiting my (our) dream will be realised and I am finally getting married to the best man of my life. So I just tell you to be patient, be faithful and optomistic... And even with all your case's complicattion you are still lucky your SO is Algerian and you are dealing with the Alger embassy (I assume you are dealing with them) And again if we can help you in anyway we are here for you... You are welcome to add me to your Yahoo or MSN and keep in touch... You are in our prayers and thoughts...

Also in reply to your comment about the American passport...it does not gaurantee any special treatment or free rides... so it cannot be used as an excuse. I would think if you had your medical degree that would bring you much more success and you would be better off (in the US or anywhere else for that matter)

Seriously, if you are thinking to delay your studies really think it through...and make sure the delay time is set ahead and obeyed. Also keep in mind, esp in the medical field any time you are away from your studies it is much much harder to get in the swing of it when you return. I pray you find your solution.

Henia

Christina,

I would like to share a few things with you. I did go to live with my fiance while I was waiting for appropriate paperwork so we could marry in Egypt. After 8 months of bungled attempts the papers never came. I was broke, he was broke, and there were other circumstances I prefer not to mention here that forced me to leave him behind and return to the USA to file for K1. It was not what we wanted, we wanted to stay together, but circumstances wouldn't let it happen. So 16 months later I am still waiting and hoping for our reunion. We manage. We love each other fiercely. We have had to face emotional strains and hardships together that most "normal" couples don't face in a lifetime. And we survived it and we are stronger together for it. We have become much tighter then just a man and woman because we had to.

I returned to nothing. No home, no car, no job, with only my suitcase. I've managed to get on my feet, have a car, my own apartment, a job... and I'm struggling but making it. I swear the only thing that keeps me moving forward when I want to curl up and die is my love for him and my hope that this stupid visa will appear one day. Four days after I returned, his mother died and he was begging me through tears to please come back to him. I had no finances left to do it and you have no idea how hard that was. He really, justifiably needed me and I couldn't go to him.

I guess my point is this... you really do owe yourself your own future as well as your future as a couple. Your love will carry you both through, but walking away from your schooling at this point might not be so easy pick back up again. These guys are sooooo emotional. He may make noise at first, and he obviously misses you so much, but I'm sure out of love and respect for you he will eventually understand if you choose to continue your schooling and wait out the paper chase. I can tell you feel torn. I would be too. This isn't an easy path any of us have chosen. But you can do it, and you can do it together.

Of course only the 2 of you know what's best for you. Just know there are people who understand and can be a support system if you need it.

You are so right Jean...I actually have the same fear for myself...and am praying on it every day... You are in my prayers Jean...hang in there...

I would also like to add that Sigmund Freud suggests that the personality of a person have three aspects: Id, Ego and Superego.

What I found to be very interesting in MEN , especially Middle East men, is they are stuck in Id. .

ID: is the "pleasure principle" I want it and I want it all NOW!!!

They are not thinking of the consequences involved.

For example, My fiance/husband told me that it was an embarrassment in his culture that I'm not pregnant yet.

First, God only knows the best time to start a family and why does the culture place so much pressure on the woman to get pregnant so quickly?

my thoughts to you is....try to understand that your fiance request is only coming from the "Id" perspective and he does not truly understand the consequences of his request. It is up to you to make a decision on your future. I wish you the best!!!!

Goldenheart : You made a very good point and I agree with you completely. I have seen in all the MENA men I have ever came across, and more to the point I see it in my fiancee... Also I understand what you said about the need for pregnancy NOW... Hmmm they should sitting down thinking it out logically rather then emotionally.

[Mrs. Forgetful 2]

Christina,

I agree with these women 100%. I don't think it is a good idea to leave school, even for a semester. It is really hard to get back into the swing of things, plus if he really loved you and cared about you and your future together, he would want you to stay and finish school. I must tell you, ME/NA men can be selfish at times, but if you talk to them and tell them your reasoning, they see things from both perspectives.

My husband and I had talked about this same matter when I was in Kansas in college and he was in Philadelphia in college. He wanted me to transfer college and move to Philadelphia to marry him. I had decided at that time that I wanted to stay at that college because not only was it cheaper, but I would miss all my friends. Well I ended up leaving the college at the end of my first year anyway, but did some traveling for a year before I moved to Philadelphia to be with my now husband. It's been two years and I keep talking about how I am going to go back to college and get my degree. He wants me to go back, but he also wants to go back and get his second masters or his Doctorates degree, so it's been hard for both of us to figure out how we are going to do this.

I don't really have the motivation to go back to school because I don't know what I want a degree in, but you know what you want! You shouldn't give this up for anyone! I wish I could've stayed in school, I am sure I would have a mush better job than I have now, but what can you do? I am sure you will figure it all out. Just take in consideration the pros and cons. Yes you'll be with him, but you will also be losing a lot.

Well I wish you the best of luck! I'll keep you in my prayers!

Janine

P.S.- I wish my best friend could tell you her story about the situation you are in. It would help you a lot! Maybe I'll see if she will make an account on VJ and tell you!

[Together4ever 1]

I would also like to add that Sigmund Freud suggests that the personality of a person have three aspects: Id, Ego and Superego.

What I found to be very interesting in MEN , especially Middle East men, is they are stuck in Id. .

ID: is the "pleasure principle" I want it and I want it all NOW!!!

They are not thinking of the consequences involved.

There is a lot of truth to this. But one thing I know... the time and the struggle can be a tremendous gift to your relationship if you can manage to use it that way. I know when the emotions are boiling, its difficult to see anything but your own "Id" impulses as well, but if a couple can remain steadfast in their focus on eachother it can work magic. It affords you an opportunity to really learn what makes each other tick... in good times AND especially in the bad ones. When you are marrying someone from a completely different culture and society I think is even more important. Use the hard times to build your "castle in the clouds" together. Then you can always look back at those hard times with a smile and a good feeling.

[ya falaha! 0]

I found this quite interesting. My Egyptian husband is definitely a lot more patient than me. I'm the one stuck in the "Id" phase, lol. Mohamed is always thinking ahead and seems to know what's best all the time. He amazes me...he's always right! He's sensitive in his own way but would never cry or try to make me feel guilty because I'm not there with him or he's not here with me. He's wise beyond his years mashallah.

Hey everyone, I'm the woman with the Algerian fiancee living in Spain. We are facing a long road ahead of us for a K1 visa, and just getting started with the process. This week has been a rough one for the both of us.

He has been saying to me repetedly "Please drop/delay medical school and come here, live with me till I get the papers." Besides the fact that I do not want to give up my dream of being a doctor, there are so many practical issues this. He is not working over there, has no papers, and lives with his sister. I would be able to go to Spain on a tourist visa, and at best get a job under the table as a waitress. With no income I would need a co-sponsor for any kind of visa to the US and my parents certainly will not help me out if I drop out of medical school. I have a lease, student loans and insurance payments and very little money in my bank account.

I have no doubt that if all our other options fail I will figure out a way to move to Spain or Algeria. However, I want to leave this as the last option, not the first.

I feel so horribly guilty for not being there for him. Honestly I feel bad enough without him telling me about it. If things continue this way I will not even be able to study.

Just looking for some support.

Thanks,

Christina

I sent you a private message in reference to my personal experience on this topic.

I would also like to add that Sigmund Freud suggests that the personality of a person have three aspects: Id, Ego and Superego.

What I found to be very interesting in MEN , especially Middle East men, is they are stuck in Id. .

ID: is the "pleasure principle" I want it and I want it all NOW!!!

They are not thinking of the consequences involved.

For example, My fiance/husband told me that it was an embarrassment in his culture that I'm not pregnant yet.

First, God only knows the best time to start a family and why does the culture place so much pressure on the woman to get pregnant so quickly?

my thoughts to you is....try to understand that your fiance request is only coming from the "Id" perspective and he does not truly understand the consequences of his request. It is up to you to make a decision on your future. I wish you the best!!!!

[iceyspots 0]

doctors just barely make a liveable income in algeria and the medical system seems like they have french hand me downs from the 80's.

you guys will find a way soon incha'allah

[Donna A 4]

he is not working and u r thinking about being a waitress under the table???? #######??

to me that is a red flag right from the begining.

he wants u to put off everything in ur life until he gets his papers? im sorry but something seams really fishy to me. is he only thinking about himself or is he thinking about the two of u? sounds like he is only worried about himself.

im probably going to get flamed cuz thats what happenes on vj when u dont agree with everyone else.

who is going to pay for his visa? ur in school and he is unemployed?

[Mrs. Forgetful 2]

he is not working and u r thinking about being a waitress under the table???? #######??

to me that is a red flag right from the begining.

he wants u to put off everything in ur life until he gets his papers? im sorry but something seams really fishy to me. is he only thinking about himself or is he thinking about the two of u? sounds like he is only worried about himself.

im probably going to get flamed cuz thats what happenes on vj when u dont agree with everyone else.

who is going to pay for his visa? ur in school and he is unemployed?

I must agree with you. It does seem fishy. Christina, I hope you look at this situation from all angles. Even if they are angles with answers you don't like.

[ya falaha! 0]

Don't worry about getting flamed, Donna. You will find that once you start opening your "mouth" about certain topics others agree but are also afraid of getting flamed. It's unfortunate that we have to fear having our own opinions about things. Not everyone agrees all the time. A lot of stuff smells fishy around here at times but most VJers are too afraid to point it out. Not me! Keep speaking your mind..it's refreshing.

he is not working and u r thinking about being a waitress under the table???? #######??

to me that is a red flag right from the begining.

he wants u to put off everything in ur life until he gets his papers? im sorry but something seams really fishy to me. is he only thinking about himself or is he thinking about the two of u? sounds like he is only worried about himself.

im probably going to get flamed cuz thats what happenes on vj when u dont agree with everyone else.

who is going to pay for his visa? ur in school and he is unemployed?