Women older then there fiance

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Okay, I feel I am qualified to answer. I am 21 years older than my husband. He got denied a visa, and although age difference wasn't noted as the reason, I believe that, as well as some other miscommunications were the reason. We finally got it reaffirmed, and he has been here for over 4 years. We have been married over 6 years.

Bottom line here, and I will be totally honest. Most older woman/younger man marriage are for the convenience. I am not basing this on those here on VJ, but basic knowledge. When we marry a man that is considerably younger than us we are taking a huge chance. We have to be smart enough to realize that this is a strong possibility. And our best defense is our ability to take off any blinders that we may choose to wear.

Will this be an issue at the interview? Possibly. They are certainly going to look at the relationship a lot closer...you can bet on it. Many visits are a bonus. Not marrying on the first visit is good, but not all important. A wise poster on here once told me "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". Just because a few on here say that it won't be an issue doesn't mean it won't. It just means it wasn't for them.

For many of us the transition once they got here was actually worse than the wait....lol I'm still waiting for the transition period to be over. But I do love the pain in the butt.

If you have the room to take the chance, its ok to take the chance. If you are struggling with small children who will be affected financially from this move or you yourself are not emotionally prepared to be left once they have their papers, I would absolutely not recommend this process to you. If you are an older woman who is financially prepared and psychologically strong and really werent doing anything else with your life, and want the company and dont mind the results, I think it can be win win for both. She gets the company and he gets his papers and after hes done with his papers, they can stay friends. For an emotionally vulnerable person or someone with children who havent had alot of stability, this is a terrible move to make. Its full of stress ( the process) very expensive, cultural norms are off the chart and it can permanently damage the kids. I absolutely will say when they get here , the real problems start and I dont think they are always because of the petitioner or the sponsee. Alot of the problems are brought about because they meet people when they get here who are either already divorced from Americans and they get coached on how to get over and what to do or people that undermine their faith in themselves , making them feel less than for marrying outside their culture..Its hard to be tied down to a woman your aunts age when you meet all these lottery winners running around unencumbered. I think when they get here, the economy is hard, money isnt growing on trees and they arent on vacation anymore

PS. I think its harder on marriages where there is a huge number of mena people there. I think its easier to adapt to the lifestyle here when you arent surrounded from people from back home and you get a chance to see what Americans are like. In Orlando, you could literally move here, just hang around Moroccans or Arabs and never really learn the language well because you could work for a moroccan and then pray with them and be here like 4 years and never learn English. Its got me thinking maybe its better to be somewhere alot less arab so you are forced to adapt

Edited January 6, 2011 by Hanging in there

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Okay, I feel I am qualified to answer. I am 21 years older than my husband. He got denied a visa, and although age difference wasn't noted as the reason, I believe that, as well as some other miscommunications were the reason. We finally got it reaffirmed, and he has been here for over 4 years. We have been married over 6 years.

Bottom line here, and I will be totally honest. Most older woman/younger man marriage are for the convenience. I am not basing this on those here on VJ, but basic knowledge. When we marry a man that is considerably younger than us we are taking a huge chance. We have to be smart enough to realize that this is a strong possibility. And our best defense is our ability to take off any blinders that we may choose to wear.

Will this be an issue at the interview? Possibly. They are certainly going to look at the relationship a lot closer...you can bet on it. Many visits are a bonus. Not marrying on the first visit is good, but not all important. A wise poster on here once told me "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". Just because a few on here say that it won't be an issue doesn't mean it won't. It just means it wasn't for them.

For many of us the transition once they got here was actually worse than the wait....lol I'm still waiting for the transition period to be over. But I do love the pain in the butt.

Could you clarify what a marriage of convenience is? In my opinion it means that someone is trying to obtain a greencard and the woman wants companionship and doesnt mind the risk.

I would like to also say that I know people on the boards that are with younger men and some of them have obtained their greencards and they are still with the older women. I also know, through private messaging several women who do not fit the older woman younger man profile, that have children that are involved in protracted domestic abuse cases, some even sending the man back home and they obviously were not used for papers, the guy just got over here and started beating the ####### out of them or was basically an idiot to her and it wasnt about papers at all. He just tried to act like the men around him growing up and be the "man". I also know people who are on the boards and off that have absolutely no problems whatsoever and are good husbands to their wives and good fathers to their kids so it seems to be a crapshoot. In other words, just because you can still have kids or are pregnant, there is no guarantee that you wont be used for papers or mistreated as a wife and just because you are older, there is no guarantee that all you are is a ticket here. I think there are many factors,upbringing, family pressure ( IE are there other grandkids from other siblings, what is the internal pressure of the person sponsored to have kids, are they easily influenced, do they have an inability to adapt..this really affects their ability to become part of things here) Also, it can take 2 to 3 solid years and then the light comes on and then they like it here...For example, they can drive the American spouse crazy, do things to wind up divorced and then adapt with the next person they meet. If you have the patience, no matter what, patience seems to be the kicker. If you can be patient with someone coming from MENA...up to even 3 years while they adapt and grow, then even if you end up divorced, you can remain friends and have some kind of a life together. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and come out with an outcome but there are no easy answers. The other thing is many because of negative reactions are just not open and honest about outcomes and some after being used have entered into other relationships and just dont really talk about it so newer people seeking answers or opinions when things come up have a hard time finding someone to bounce things off of.

I think the big thing is if you are in a vulnerable situation, like unstable homelife, children that have attachment issues because of prior abuse or divorce, this is definitely not a good idea for them. The attachment of the 5 year process can hurt a child. If your kids are well and everyone is doing great, then you dont face the risk of bringing someone into their life that has a more than 50 percent ( more like 90 percent)chance of leaving. Until kids are doing well, NO ONE should be in their life. Its hard enough for someone coming from another country to adapt than to be thrust into instant father hood and thrown together with an emotionally needy woman. I have watched in horror as some of these children have ended up very messed up, one even commiting suicide 2 years ago (15 year old) because his American mother blamed his teen problems on the demise of her marriage with a Tunisian . In reality, it was the fact the woman was severely overweight and older and had nothing to do with her kids.He married a thin spanish girl. She put this moron over her children and ended up losing the life of her child. This process is not a whim. Its a life altering experience that can cause irreprable damage to vulnerable people resulting in tragedy.

So as long as you have it together as a petitioner and your kids do, no matter what happens, good or bad, you can endure it.You can make this work and be successful at it and end up with a life long friend or spouse...The potential for happiness is there... It is

If you dont or your kids dont, dont do this...Dont.Its too expensive and too much stress.

[malika215 3]

I had posted this in the K1 processing forum and many said that maybe I could get some valuable informatin from this forum. Maybe all the waiting...who knows, but now i am worrying about how the embassy will look at the age difference between my fiance and I. I guess another area that causes some concern is the fact that he is Muslim and I am Catholic. For my fiance and I we have talked about these life differences and there is no problem for us. Now I just worry about the embassy seeing the samethings that we see. Any advice or experiences would be appreciated.

Thanks

[malika215 3]

Well if you are going through Moroccan consulate, good luck. We were just denied and believe me, I pitched a fit.

They just sent the file back to USCIS. My attorney has been able to get cases reversed sometimes, but I'm furious because they never looked at his file of proof. She looked at a couple of pictures and said "you're doing this for papers, it's not real". It's a shame. We have a huge age gap but we are so darn happy when we are together. I've been there twice to see him - the second time we got married and we have proof we've known each other since 2006.

[mimic 0]

Well if you are going through Moroccan consulate, good luck. We were just denied and believe me, I pitched a fit.

They just sent the file back to USCIS. My attorney has been able to get cases reversed sometimes, but I'm furious because they never looked at his file of proof. She looked at a couple of pictures and said "you're doing this for papers, it's not real". It's a shame. We have a huge age gap but we are so darn happy when we are together. I've been there twice to see him - the second time we got married and we have proof we've known each other since 2006.

I am so sorry to hear about your denial. I have read from others that there proof was never looked at. Why are we suppose to bring it if they dont bother to see what we can actually show them. Proof in situations like this comes from chat, phone records, pictures. We dont have the ability to live we each other like many do here. You have mentioned that you have a big age gap, do you mind telling me how much of an age gap. There are 13 years between my fiance and myself. I am thinking that is the only red flag that we have, but really who knows how the person inteviewing will think. I hope for the very best for you and hope this process to fix something they broke by not letting you prove yourself goes quick.

[malika215 3]

There is a 13 year age difference. As far as religion, I would have to say he is a tad bit more strong in his faith then I am. His family practices competely, where he is more liberal. We both have somewhat of different cultural beliefs but ultimately we believe that we can be different but if we respect each other than that is all that matters. We have been in a relationship for a year now and have discussed these issues many times. The age difference seems to be more of a concern to me then him. He says, he doesnt care about age and really doenst think about it. I say, how can you not. He says, we are brought up different.

[noon 0]

hello every bady my ask about my age if there any problem cuse i have my interview in feb 8 and i want to know about the age my fiance old then me 16 yers and i am now 26

is there any problem with that thanks

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

hello every bady my ask about my age if there any problem cuse i have my interview in feb 8 and i want to know about the age my fiance old then me 16 yers and i am now 26

is there any problem with that thanks

You may get through immigration eventually but it will be a problem for your spouse in 10 years when she is 52 and you are 36 wanting children of your own and a family. You will be fine but she will be in tears and heartbroken when she spends all her money to get you here, wastes years of her life and time and then you walk away. Its a horrible deal for her.

Yes, you most likely will face alot of scrutiny because its a big age difference and will turn out bad for her in the long run .No one really sees that until 6 to 10 years post mortem. Its all fun and dandy till late into the deal and the woman ends up footing the bill for someone elses immigration quest.

[ridasgirl 1]

Okay, I feel I am qualified to answer. I am 21 years older than my husband. He got denied a visa, and although age difference wasn't noted as the reason, I believe that, as well as some other miscommunications were the reason. We finally got it reaffirmed, and he has been here for over 4 years. We have been married over 6 years.

Bottom line here, and I will be totally honest. Most older woman/younger man marriage are for the convenience. I am not basing this on those here on VJ, but basic knowledge. When we marry a man that is considerably younger than us we are taking a huge chance. We have to be smart enough to realize that this is a strong possibility. And our best defense is our ability to take off any blinders that we may choose to wear.

Will this be an issue at the interview? Possibly. They are certainly going to look at the relationship a lot closer...you can bet on it. Many visits are a bonus. Not marrying on the first visit is good, but not all important. A wise poster on here once told me "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". Just because a few on here say that it won't be an issue doesn't mean it won't. It just means it wasn't for them.

For many of us the transition once they got here was actually worse than the wait....lol I'm still waiting for the transition period to be over. But I do love the pain in the butt.

Really good response!!! I find that you are absolutely correct. Additionally, it is true that the wait is difficult but the transition is HELL!!! But if you can make it through that (only by the grace of GOD and a superhuman amount of patience and understanding) things will be okay. I have learned A LOT from my younger husband. Especially to remember that when I am feeling overly sensitive, because Lord knows MENA men have a delicate way of communicating, (LOL) I have to remember to breathe and it's just my perception that is scewed in that moment.

Anyway, lots of prayer helps on both sides of the visa process!!! Everything happens for a reason and God NEVER gives you more than you can handle.