Dependecy on your spouse...

[Yellowhead 12]

I'm not sure exactly.....in that case I thought it would be a transfer because when hubby's license expired (he's the USC and I noticed cos we dont have to do this in uk ) he didn't have to take a test, I think he just updated his picture and eye exam. But it could be different for residents. I have to take my theory and all again I think because I didn't actualy take and pass the practical before the temp licence expired......I think they gave me the wrong one cos online the learners permit is described as 12 months mine was only good for 60 days . Oh well.

If you share which city in cally you will be living in perhaps others can come forward with more specific suggestions and advice...... Such as this is a good place to visit in walking distance or take this bus and that bus to get to etc....plus there are quite a few expat communities in Cali perhaps you can add to your support network.

Yeah it is very different for Residents. For people coming from outside the USA, in California you have to go through everything again. Tons of fun

I am in Sacramento

[Yellowhead 12]

I think that some lose sight of real cultural differences as in the case that being able to hop in a car and go where you want when you want is an important part of independence to some as it has been their norm.

As in the case of my fiancée, South Korea has one of the most advanced public transportation systems -- you can go where you want when you want without a car. It is also a place where young school children can walk the streets safely at midnight. She will not be able to neither in the US where we live.

One shoe does not fit all. As a caution to those becoming liberated to US ways, just because you learn you can walk the streets alone at night in one US city, does not mean you should do it any city in the US or for that matter elsewhere in the world.

I agree totally. It is really different in many ways that some do not realize. I grew up in a place where I had to walk everywhere, and where it was safe at night in most areas. Where I live now, in Canada, this is not the case. Walking in the day is fine, but at night we avoid it. Here in Sacramento, walking at any time of day can be a risk. The metro area has 2.5 million people or more and it has a lot of low income areas (ours being a midrange, but still not the best). The first time I chose to walk alone here was 2 weeks ago, and within 15 minutes, avoiding main roads, I got whistled at, yelled at and honked at. All in a 1.5 mile span. For a woman, this really affects your feeling of self-reliance and safety (especially when you are built like a broom stick and have no wit whatsoever). Needless to say, it will be a transition. Luckily, I am importing my own vehicle from Canada so once I have that coveted California License, I will be set. I see a lot of movies and games at home in my future for the time being.

[Aztec&Taino 144]

I agree totally. It is really different in many ways that some do not realize. I grew up in a place where I had to walk everywhere, and where it was safe at night in most areas. Where I live now, in Canada, this is not the case. Walking in the day is fine, but at night we avoid it. Here in Sacramento, walking at any time of day can be a risk. The metro area has 2.5 million people or more and it has a lot of low income areas (ours being a midrange, but still not the best). The first time I chose to walk alone here was 2 weeks ago, and within 15 minutes, avoiding main roads, I got whistled at, yelled at and honked at. All in a 1.5 mile span. For a woman, this really affects your feeling of self-reliance and safety (especially when you are built like a broom stick and have no wit whatsoever). Needless to say, it will be a transition. Luckily, I am importing my own vehicle from Canada so once I have that coveted California License, I will be set. I see a lot of movies and games at home in my future for the time being.

How about books? I would really like to have the time to READ lots..

[Yellowhead 12]

How about books? I would really like to have the time to READ lots..

Yes! Books too! I have a huge bookcase full of them which I will be bringing along. Being in college prevents me from reading anything for leisure, so I am definitely looking forward to that. A nice escape as well

[Leng198 0]

I came from Australia and moved to California. The next day after I arrived (we were already married) my husband and I went to get my SSN. Then after that went to DMV. I did have to take the written test and pass it straight away. Because I already have an Australian DL DMV gave me a 3 months permit to drive on my own without my husbands supervision. After the 3 months I had to take the driving test. So before I was even in Cali for 2 months I already have my full US DL.

[rlogan 2,036]

For the first time in a very long time, the immigration process is going to require that I once again put all of my eggs in one basket and become totally and utterly reliant on someone else but myself.

Not really. Sure, it's a fear. But no matter where you go - there you are!

Systematically dissipate all your fears by listing them and eliminating the problem areas one by one. If you fear not having a safety net back in Canada, then establish one by talking to friends and family, or even potential work places if you want to go that far with it. People worry about things they are not prepared for and it can make you neurotic. So... prepare for them.

In my fiance's city, I dread the idea of even walking to the pharmacy 2 blocks away.

Millions of people handle this in their own way. Handguns, mace, the killer dog, the buddy system - just another thing to systematically work through in a way that makes the best sense for you.

How can you create a foundation for yourself in a place foreign to you, and how can you create a support network that involves people other than your spouse or fiance? I am afraid this is going to put a major strain on our relationship, as he too is very independent.

How did you do it before? You indicated you've moved alone before. It seems to me you have a big advantage now being able to branch off his existing network.

(Side note: Please refrain from telling me how every perfect couple should trust enough to become dependent on their significant other, or that we are not made to be because I am fearing this... that is not always the case)

The perfect couple should trust enough... Kidding!

It's all about communication. If you feel vulnerable because of some dependency - then talk about it with him. Don't let resentments build up. Don't do things hoping he will "get the message". Tell him exactly how you feel. That is invariably what leads to solutions whereas letting things fester invariably leads to problems.

Best of luck to you.

[katie & sifa 25]

My (now) husband struggled (and still does) to a great extent with the dependency issue. He's 30 and has worked since he finished high school, never had a problem knowing where anything was, how to get around, etc. Then he came here and was nervous about learning the bus system, couldn't earn his own money and knew no one besides me within 1000 miles (and most of his friends and family are about 9000 miles away!)

It definitely helped him to learn the bus system and USE it. Now he's more of a Dallas public transportation (what there is of it, anyway) expert than me. He started volunteering at a hospital within walking distance from our apartment pretty soon after getting here. We also joined a couples Sunday school class at our church (I know that's not for everyone, but maybe joining a group of some sort with your fiance, or going to a meet-up (meetup.com) together would help you meet people.) He also has made friends with some of my friends of course. We even met another couple in our area here on VJ who we now see for dinner regularly! Slowly but surely he's building a support network here.

Honestly, we still struggle with this issue occasionally even after 10 months of him living here. We try to talk about it when it becomes an issue and try to work out solutions together. Communication (as with most issues in a relationship) is key...realize that sometimes your spouse probably won't realize it's a problem. For my husband I was more on the lookout for possible cultural issues and adjusting to the American way of life when really his bigger problem was lack of independence! It's definitely an adjustment.

As a final note, the time for AOS seems to drag by while you're in it but then then you finally get your EAD and can work and get your DL and all that and looking back on it the time doesn't seem so bad (much like looking back on the wait time for the K1!) Easy for me to say, obviously, but hang in there!

[amethist 0]

Hi!

I just wanted to share my experience anyways..maybe just tell how I feel, here where most people went through the same situation.

For me it was a real struggle to get used to depending on my husband. I was a fairly independent at home, living with friends, going wherever and whenevr I wanted. I had a good job keeping me busy. And when I got here the dissapointment started...actually it started two days before the date of my departure when my husband told me he didn't get my plane ticket as promised and he has no money to do it. And before you say anything this was our agrement: I will cover the cost of my interview and medical while he will pay for the tickets. So long story short I ended up paying for my plane ticket, then my AOS too and also had to support the stress from collection calls because he was behind with most of his bills. In addition to this I couldn't do anything I had to wait on my EAD to help out. I was feeling so trapted...I was spending so much time inside, he barely has some friends, his not close to his family and well I think I am sociable, but not extremly outgoing so I haven't made friends just some aquintances. Yeah it hard on me and still is: just adjustging to each other, to the situation, trying to decide what I should do.

So my advice to anyone is to talk the finances through before jumping into anything. I was too naive about it. I never asked for a dime while we were apart and I assumed he can support us both for a coulpe of months.(we dated in my country for a while and then had a long distance relationship for about a year prior to me coming here). But it turned out to be a whole different story.

[CaliforniaLove14 0]

I know I'm about 4 years late to this post but found a lot of comfort reading it. I'm also a very independent person. I love conquering things, having the ability to go out on my own, and finding solutions to difficult issues. However, I find that my current situation has slowly drained my resilience.

Almost 1 year ago, I "moved" (technically I'm visiting) to Canada to be with my husband (then-husband). After 11 months, I still feel like a visitor here. I can't work. I don't have a car. It's maddening at times. About two months ago, I realized that I can't continue. That's when we decided to pursue the green card (to live in the States instead of Canada). I still have the desire to try to "overcome" this situation and to conquer it...but I've realized I can't.

And so we're pursuing the green card. It's been the most challenging year as my basic needs aren't met -- purpose, significance, relationships, certainty. man oh man. It's a relief to have this community of people who understand!

[TBoneTX 46,137]

The "general" adaptation advice in this nearly 4-year-old thread is good; the state-specific advice runs the risk of going stale. For that reason, this thread is now closed; the topic(s) can be continued in existing similar threads or in newly started ones.

And, welcome to the most recent poster above, whose first VJ post is so candid and literate!