Long time abuse

[8hweli 2]

I'm sorry to know about your situation. You should file for divorce ASAP, and, if you are afraid he might physically harm you or your child, file a restraining order. As far as ICE is concerned, since he is now a permanent resident his status is legal and would not be deported at this point. It would probably give you peace of mind to have him out of the country, but this is not possible any more. If you have not already done so, cancel your joint bank accounts and credit cards, and change your insurance policies.

Best wishes as you move forward.

P.S. It might be helpful to know where your husband is from, and, if you care to give more details on the red flags, your story could be a lesson for some fellow members.

I will start a list of red flags and post them here. Hopefully someone may benefit from it but these kind of predators are expert manipulators and pretend to be a 'good person' as long as they have to in order to get what they want. They are charming, seductive and know just the right things to say to keep your attention away from the person they really are.

record his actions to backup your claim. and to protect yourself. you can use it for your divorce.

I am in a no-fault divorce state. He can do anything he wants to me; lie, cheat, steal, abuse, anything (he's done it all to me) and none of it matters as far as the divorce is concerned. There is no child custody involved so it is useless.

If you don't file a report and fast... you will never be able to hold him accountable for his actions. If you do not have a documented history of his actions, no one will ever help you. Not the courts, not anyone. Domestic violence is a crime and should be treated as such. If you go to divorce court and claim abuse they will ask for your proof. If you don't have documented backup they will dismiss the claim of abuse. I've seen this happen several times. Document document document. Even keeping a personal log of events is helpful. But make official complaints against him.

The police didn't really care about what he did. He used a door to slam against my head. Since there was no physical signs, it never happened. I could feel the bruise but it was within my hairline and difficult to see so there is no proof. But that doesn't even come close to how we were abused by his words and actions. I am VERY angry that there is nothing that can be done when someone verbally, mentally, psychologically, financially or emotionally abuses someone. Those things to me, are in many ways worse than the physical abuse. The thing is that no one would believe me. He comes across as a shy little sweet boy who is kind but in reality he is a monster.

First my deepest apologies for what you are going through.

I say hit him in his pockets! Along with the divorce, if you can prove to the people at his job (annonomously) that he his misusing their system, I would report him!

I pray everything works out for you!

He will hide everything he can from me financially. I do have a lot of the receipts showing the money he sent to his family in Morocco that according to my attorney, I can ask for 1/2 of since that money could have gone toward the household. He also has a website that is of interest financially for me as well. As for his job, they wouldn't take anything serious against him. He is their 'golden boy' and whatever he says or wants he gets. I have seen him work his magic and 2 companies now. He builds himself up and makes them dependent on him. He completely takes control over everyone. He has conflicts and tantrums at work if he doesn't like something and threatens to leave. Then they beg him to come back and they do whatever he wanted them to do. Sooooooo manipulative and controlling. He sets up all of his web development so that if he ever leaves the company and he ends up not liking them (which is inevitable), he will crash all of the programming and he will do it without there ever being a trace back to him.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

If he stole money from US and UK women it should really be reported. Not only to benefit his past and future victims but to protect yourself from accusations of aiding him in wire fraud. You can try at Reportng link Don't enable him to continue his theft from others

[8hweli 2]

If he stole money from US and UK women it should really be reported. Not only to benefit his past and future victims but to protect yourself from accusations of aiding him in wire fraud. You can try at Reportng link Don't enable him to continue his theft from others

This was all done before he came to the US. He may be doing it now without my knowledge. A lot of things were and probably are still being done without my knowledge. I have talked with these women and they have confirmed what I discovered. Again, I did report it to MANY agencies. Unfortunately, I have been told over and over that this is more common than people realize and it probably won't be a priority. This makes me VERY angry.

[rlogan 2,036]

As crazy as it all seems, I knew about narcissists and sociopaths before I met him. I was raised by these very people. I thought I had worked through all of my past and was ready for a relationship but obviously I wasn't. I kept brushing aside his 'flaws' thinking it was cultural differences. But he is so good at manipulating that he could turn anything horrible he did around to blame me or someone else. I guess I was in so deep and I wanted to believe that he was the wonderful man I met and not the monster he slowly became.

Not crazy at all. We have something in common. It is unfortunately a "normal" case of someone falling into what they became familiar with as children.

I distinctly remember that warm feeling and how I smiled when my first wife did something that was actually unkind to me. (Before I married her) It was what I had learned, and found comfort in. So I took this bad behavior as something that actually qualified her as a wife!

The person with too much conscientiousness is going to actively manufacture excuses for the person acting without conscience. We ascribe our own character to them. Since we have a conscience, then there must be a conscientious explanation for why they are ripping our heart out.

He did things to you that were not what you wanted while explaining that he was doing what you wanted. You fell for it because you listened to words instead of watching actions.

Me too. So in the long run, it isn't him that needs to be fixed. He can't be fixed. But you can. I did. Life is a lot better for me because of it, and I really wish the same for you.

You can't be vindictive as some people have suggested here, and I think you know that. These people are unbelievably dangerous and capable of unspeakable cruelty. They'll stop at nothing to "win". So you have to separate yourself completely from them, but not engage in losing battles. Taking on a psychopath by showing him you are a threat to his work - not a good plan. You have to try your best to arrange things so that it is "win-win" for both of you. Not because we love them, but because with disordered people, this is how you deal with them more effectively.

[jjbandero 39]

I'm saddened by what you're going through and will echo what the other posters said to document and protect yourself. It's good that you have a lawyer, given your ex has no qualms about lying, manipulating etc, you really need to get whatever paperwork you can to support your divorce and have your ties severed as soon as possible. I'm not sure how old your children are, but perhaps it would be good to sit them down and tell them what they should do in case your ex tried to contact or approach them.

With regard to your other comment about your ex crashing a company's systems for revenge, that is a type of cyber crime and can be reported, see http://www.cybercrime.gov/

However, I would recommend you do this only if you have evidence of what he did and best with the help of the company that was the victim of his crime.

Best wishes for getting on with your life

[8hweli 2]

Not crazy at all. We have something in common. It is unfortunately a "normal" case of someone falling into what they became familiar with as children.

I distinctly remember that warm feeling and how I smiled when my first wife did something that was actually unkind to me. (Before I married her) It was what I had learned, and found comfort in. So I took this bad behavior as something that actually qualified her as a wife!

The person with too much conscientiousness is going to actively manufacture excuses for the person acting without conscience. We ascribe our own character to them. Since we have a conscience, then there must be a conscientious explanation for why they are ripping our heart out.

He did things to you that were not what you wanted while explaining that he was doing what you wanted. You fell for it because you listened to words instead of watching actions.

Me too. So in the long run, it isn't him that needs to be fixed. He can't be fixed. But you can. I did. Life is a lot better for me because of it, and I really wish the same for you.

You can't be vindictive as some people have suggested here, and I think you know that. These people are unbelievably dangerous and capable of unspeakable cruelty. They'll stop at nothing to "win". So you have to separate yourself completely from them, but not engage in losing battles. Taking on a psychopath by showing him you are a threat to his work - not a good plan. You have to try your best to arrange things so that it is "win-win" for both of you. Not because we love them, but because with disordered people, this is how you deal with them more effectively.

You are so right. Thank you for this post. You've made me cry but it's a good thing because there aren't a lot of people who can relate to what I'm going through and been through. Actions absolutely speak louder than words and I did keep making excuses for him. I did see him as the person I wanted him to be and who he said he was. But the actions rarely matched his words and at times, the words didn't even match. I was in a constant state of confusion; going back and forth between trying to figure out why he would do this or that, or say this or that, and convincing myself that it was cultural differences and with enough time and 'love', it would all work out. There were moments (albeit brief moments) when he would be a wonderful loving man.

In fact, when I found out about his affair in August, I admitted myself to the hospital because I was in so much pain. He came to see me and cried and held me and said the most beautiful things that anyone has ever said to me. Two days later he was verbally abusive because I was sad and needed him to tell me again what I meant to him. I never saw that side of him again. Instead of him showing me that he was no longer having an affair, he demanded that I was the one that needed to change; then he wouldn't have affairs. He told me that it was normal for men to have affairs and every man does it. I asked what he expected of me as a wife - that I do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, taking care of kids, shopping, paying of bills, still work 40 hours a week, have an autistic child to take care of, take care of the yard, get the oil changed on both cars, etc. His response was, yea, everything. I asked what his responsibilities were and he couldn't come up with any. I said is just being here all of your responsibility, and he said, yea. No emotion or kindness or even acknowledgement of the miscarriages I had.

I know that I can heal and move on and I have begun feeling better about myself just having him gone and having no contact with him. I feel free and able to do and say whatever I want without having him glare or 'punish' me with silence and not even acknowledge my presence. I always felt like I completely disgusted him and he had such an enormous hate for me. He was a dark cloud and it was so depressing to have him around. He expected to be catered to 24/7 and to have everyone in his presence adore him and to only have his feelings in mind at all times. I can just feel happiness returning to me and my children and how his presence robbed us of so many things. We are just happier. I have already had good things happening to me in the short time he has been gone.

I know that I am a good person. Many people have come to support me that have lifted my belief in myself. I have a lot of good people that are cheering me on and reminding me that I can still be myself; trusting, kind, compassionate, understanding, loveable and respected. Everything that he will never be or have.

[sara..... 371]

the best way to hurt someone like this is to be happy with out them and live your life as if they never entered into it

your in my and my families prayers

sara

[Laveau 67]

Sounds like you are on the right path to healing. Has he attemped to worm his way back into your home and heart since he left? Be strong.

Hope happines and great things head your way for 2011 and the years that follow.

[8hweli 2]

the best way to hurt someone like this is to be happy with out them and live your life as if they never entered into it

your in my and my families prayers

sara

Sounds like you are on the right path to healing. Has he attemped to worm his way back into your home and heart since he left? Be strong.

Hope happines and great things head your way for 2011 and the years that follow.

Thank you to everyone that have sent their kind thoughts and prayers my way. You are all helping, whether you realize it or not, me to move on and realize that I wasn't 'crazy' as he attempted to make me.

I haven't seen or heard from him since. I don't think he will try. He always said it was easy to find someone else so I am quite sure he is with his new 'love(s) of his life' as we speak. After 5 years, I'm sure we are just a passing thought in his mind, if that. He never loved us or felt anything for us. I was just his ticket to the US and as long as I forked over money and catered to him, he'd stick around. Once I started to refuse, I was no longer of interest to him. He's working very hard I'm sure to find my replacement. It will be very easy for him to find someone that has a need to be a 'mommy' to him. Already this year he started an affair with a woman he met at a rest stop who asked him for a cigarette and a woman he met at a casino. If anyone shows him the slightest attention, he's in love.

In one way that makes me thrilled because that means he won't even think about me - I was easily disposable. On the other hand, it makes me very very very sad for these women who will fall for his mascarade and be in so deep before they know it and then they won't know how to get out. Just like his jobs, he will make them dependent on him in one way or another and then they feel like they can't leave. My heart goes out to all of these women. I know that there are many who will get sucked into his game in the years to come. I want to warn all of them but I have to realize what I can and cannot control. Right now, my priority is to cut all ties with him, finalize the divorce, and help myself and my family heal and move on. We are on our way and better than I ever dreamed we would be at this point.

[rlogan 2,036]

I feel free and able to do and say whatever I want without having him glare or 'punish' me with silence and not even acknowledge my presence. I always felt like I completely disgusted him and he had such an enormous hate for me. He was a dark cloud and it was so depressing to have him around. He expected to be catered to 24/7 and to have everyone in his presence adore him and to only have his feelings in mind at all times. I can just feel happiness returning to me and my children and how his presence robbed us of so many things. We are just happier. I have already had good things happening to me in the short time he has been gone.

It reads like a textbook case. But it's the one about the person who did the right thing and is taking control of their life instead of the case of the one who grinds herself into dust trying to change him.

I know that I am a good person.

Darn right, and he thought so too. That's why he targeted you.

You may not realize what a great example you are for others. Everything you have said and done here is just right!

[8hweli 2]

Here is a list of the red flags from just the first month of contact with him. I am bearing all here in hopes that someone may identify with some of these. I realize even without writing these out what a fool/idiot I was and now with actually putting it into a list I feel like an even bigger fool/idiot. Again, there is nothing you could say to make me feel any worse than I already do so I appreciate keeping any negative comments to yourself. I am laying it all out on the line because if I did this, then there are others who have, will or are currently doing the same thing. Please don't stuff your feelings of 'something isn't right here'.

Red Flags

Please keep in mind that these were the red flags he presented. While the list is long, there are many more red flags that others may show. While some of these are blatantly obvious signs, some of these alone may not mean that your significant other is a user/abuser. If you can identify with a number of them, that is when I would sit up and take notice that this person may not be someone that can be trusted. Always, always trust your gut or that little voice inside your head or any feeling you may have that something just isn’t right. If someone lies to you, listen to them. When someone shows you who they are, pay attention.

Contacts you out of the blue

From a ‘high fraud’ country (or not)

Had professional pictures taken of himself

Professes anything about love or marriage in initial email(s)

Answers emails almost instantly

Wants to talk on the phone immediately and comments how wonderful your voice is

Calls you endearing names too soon (honey, my love, sweetheart, etc.)

Says ‘I love you’ within a matter of days

Wants to marry you after a few days or weeks

Wants to be online with you or on the phone with you constantly (this is the ‘grooming’ stage)

Asks for money within a few days or weeks

Begs and pleads you to send money

Promises that you will be repaid in a few days

Gives story that he will be coming to US in a month or so to begin studying at a university and we can meet there-he sent $10,000 to university for his fees/living expenses and will have access to it once he gets here

Gives you a big sob story to make you feel sorry for him

If that still doesn’t work, he becomes angry, very angry

He lays on the guilt

You give in and send money

He instantly loves you again

He tells you how hard he is working to get the money to you (it is kind of hard to be working hard at getting the money to me when he is constantly online or on the phone with me)

Professes his great love to you all over again

Says he wants to see me sooner than a month and wants to come on a tourist visa to see me before he has to be at the university

Says he tried to obtain tourist visa but was denied because he has a student visa

Needs more money to go back and try for the tourist visa

Says they need him to show proof with an airline ticket that he is stopping in my state and then connecting to the city of the university and needs more money to get that plane ticket

Conveniently, tourist visa denied

Still professing great love for you and how wonderful you are and how he can’t wait to see you

Seems too romantic/too good to be true

Start thinking that he had to have had a lot of practice before to be this good

Takes up nearly your entire day and night by keeping you online or on the phone

Shortly after first phone call he asks you to call him

Doesn’t offer to help pay for the phone bill or ask if it will be too expensive for you or what would be the best way to communicate for your sake

He will promise to pay for phone bill if you want to cut down calls (of course you will never see it)

Wants to meet as soon as possible

Wants to have you come there since he can’t come there and then we can both fly back to the US together

Begs you to find a way

After one month of initial email I go to Morocco

As I am in the line to board the plane he calls and wants me to wire money to him because he just wants to make sure that we will have all that we need and he will get back money from people that owe him

He looked nothing like his photos (he was MUCH skinnier and I was not at all attracted to him)

I figured I might as well enjoy my time in another country anyway (I should have left on the next plane)

To be continued as I get them written down.

[milimelo 4,541]

Hope you get some resolution soon - hang in there for your child's and your health! Edited December 15, 2010 by milimelo

[trillium13 84]

That was very well written-hopefully anyone in the same situation who reads it will take heed.

[8hweli 2]

It reads like a textbook case. But it's the one about the person who did the right thing and is taking control of their life instead of the case of the one who grinds herself into dust trying to change him.

Darn right, and he thought so too. That's why he targeted you.

You may not realize what a great example you are for others. Everything you have said and done here is just right!

Thank you!! You have no idea how this helps me.

Hope you get some resolution soon - hang in there for your child's and your health!

My child is my motivator. If it wasn't for her, I believe I would not have the courage to stop and say enough is enough! I hate that I already put her through h@ll and brought a monster into her life. Her own father, my first marriage, was also a monster but our split happened when she was 2 1/2 so she has no memory of us being together. So the only father figure and example of a husband was this (non)human being. I don't know if I will ever have the ability to forgive myself for the choice I made of bringing him into her life and for all the damage he inflicted onto her. The very fact of knowing that she will likely marry someone just like this is frighteningly high. I hope with all my heart that with him gone now it will lesson the chances of finding a person with this level of a dysfunctional personality.

I am so thankful that there are good men in our lives that are good examples of how men are supposed to treat and respect women. I want to have her around them as much as possible so she does see that there is a better way and she deserves to be treated well. They are helping us in any way they can to protect us and help us move onward and upward.

I also know that the fact that I have been there for her so far and she knows she can count on me (minus my choice in men so far) will be a huge factor in helping her heal from the damage he caused. She doesn't even miss him. In fact, when I ask her how she's feeling and if she's sad, she just says, "I'm fine. I'm glad he's gone. I don't know why you would think that I'm sad and miss him. What is there to miss?" HER strength and reaction to all of this is a huge factor in how easy it is for me to move forward and not look back.

I will spend the rest of my life making sure, to the best of my ability, that she deserves to be respected, loved, adored and treated like the princess she is. No man will be brought into her life ever again that doesn't have the ability to give her the father figure and example of a real husband that she deserves. Ever.

That was very well written-hopefully anyone in the same situation who reads it will take heed.

I really hope that by writing detailed examples that someone may identify with them easier and break the cloud of 'blind love' that so many of us fall into. I did see and read about red flags before and during my time with him and chose to ignore them because I made up excuses for everything he did and because he was so smooth. I will post this in the MENA forum once I get the entire list finished. I don't have any figures as to how wide-spread this type of fraud is but I really feel strongly about getting this information out in a more public forum. I want to arm people with this information so that maybe, MAYBE, it will lessen the likelyhood of the numbers of victims of these kind of people.

[rlogan 2,036]

I don't know if I will ever have the ability to forgive myself for the choice I made of bringing him into her life and for all the damage he inflicted onto her.

Oh shucks, these people are extremely cunning and have years of practice at what they do. Jim Jones got nine hundred people to commit mass suicide with parents murdering their own children before killing themselves.

There is an evil genius to this. He's got all kinds of people snowed at work or elsewhere he is performing his black magic. Blaming yourself is one of the personality traits that comes along with being a target for these types of people, hon. Don't fall into that trap.

The very fact of knowing that she will likely marry someone just like this is frighteningly high. I hope with all my heart that with him gone now it will lesson the chances of finding a person with this level of a dysfunctional personality.

What both of us were missing in our childhood is being provided now by you. Nobody told me to watch actions instead of words. Nobody listed the tactics of manipulation like guilt-tripping, shaming, playing the victim, evasion, diversion, etc.

Your daughter can actually be razor-sharp at recognizing them at a very early age. What she needs is the training.

I am so thankful that there are good men in our lives that are good examples of how men are supposed to treat and respect women. I want to have her around them as much as possible so she does see that there is a better way and she deserves to be treated well.

Just look at you. All the right things!

I will spend the rest of my life making sure, to the best of my ability, that she deserves to be respected, loved, adored and treated like the princess she is. No man will be brought into her life ever again that doesn't have the ability to give her the father figure and example of a real husband that she deserves. Ever.

Yeah, me too. The most important thing my wife and I can pass on to our children is how to be a judge of people. The worst things that happened in my life were from falling in with manipulators.

I don't have any figures as to how wide-spread this type of fraud is but I really feel strongly about getting this information out in a more public forum. I want to arm people with this information so that maybe, MAYBE, it will lessen the likelyhood of the numbers of victims of these kind of people.

In the books I have been reading you see figures like 2% of the population being covert aggressives, 1% of the population being Invalidators, similar figures for emotional vampires, etc. These are the worst-case incurables as opposed to people merely having tendencies.

In immigration you are going to find more of them of course because all of the research agrees these are predatory personalities that target specific victim groups and operate in places where they are harder to detect. Online scams are wonderful because they can control what you see and put on an act for limited duration.

So it would not surprise me at all to see that this whole collection of manipulative sub-categories comprises significantly more than 10% of the online and immigration type "markets" for relationships. They'll also be the most actively recruiting so double that in terms of numbers of people contacted by them.

If people do not see that there are serial killers, child rapists, con-men, etc. out there then they do not have their guard up for them. They don't teach their children to never accept rides from strangers. So your experience is good for others.