Dreaded MIL visit..

[Fandango 1,439]

My ex-MIL was quite possibly the worst human being on the planet. Not only was she nasty, she was just downright mean and cruel. I was quite young, so I took it, turned the other cheek, etc. Did that for YEARS, My exhusband was a nice guy, but quite meek only when it came to his family...he had his own issues with them. So he never really 'stood up' for me so to speak, we'd kinda just try to ignore it, not create waves, etc.

As I matured into a woman, I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore, and I essentially blew up at her one day. Straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. We had a good argument where I spoke my mind, and finally put her in her place. She was stunned,

It was actually the last time I spoke with her...I wound up leaving my ex about 8 mos later, actually due to a series of bad events in my life (my grandmother died, I went thru a life-threatening illness and obviously survived...I wound up just thinking 'nah I'm not doing this for the rest of my life') Anyways, I left and never looked back.

My now MIL is the best MIL I could ever ask for and I am actually sad that we can't share Christmas with them (they live in Seattle).

But the reason for my post is to impart one piece of advice: I know you don't want to make waves, but you are a grown woman, and you shouldn't just sit quiet while she disrespects you. You can be firm but nice about it...because if you keep it all in, at one point, you are going to explode from the frustration. You could say something like 'you are family, and I love and respect you, and want nothing more than to get along with you, but you need to show me more respect - especially in my home.' Don't just sit there and eat it all...it'll eat you up and ruin your holiday.

Good luck!

[TracyTN 237]

Gawd - I feel your pain, though I can't imagine how bad it'd be to have her visit for THAT long - damn!!!

I always tolerated my MIL, even after her first visit here after hubby had emigrated. I was ready to strangle her at times, but she didn't tell us how to live our lives or whatever, so I grinned and bore it for two weeks.

This last visit, however - 6 weeks after we had our daughter - was a game changer. She basically told us that EVERYthing we did with our daughter was wrong - from rocking her to sleep to her getting the hiccups a lot (like we can control that!!). She and hubby had a SCREAMING match the second night of her visit about all her negativity and nagging. He told her to shut up about it and start being HELPFUL, or get on the next flight home. She didn't really say much after that, but I guess she thought we couldn't see the looks on her face, or hear her sighs when she disapproved (which was all the time). I have no desire to ever speak to her again on a meaningful level. I will always be kind and civil, but that's as far as I can go. Hubby actually told me he doesn't know how I could ever stand to speak to her again after how she acted, so he does understand. But I will always try to be the bigger person for his sake. He doesn't deserve to see us fighting like cats and dogs, so I'll keep my head about me at all times going forward. If she does visit again, I will dread every second of it, but will rise above it for hubby. Maybe I'll just have to work a lot.

I know people (Lisa included!) who love their MILs and have really close relationships with them. I have to say I'm kind of sad that I don't have that kind of relationship with mine. I would love to.

[Krikit 1,164]

It's so hard when you see new parents and want to offer some hints and tips. It's very easy to cause hurt and resentment. Sometimes the one trying to help doesn't go about it the right way, and sometimes the new parents can be overly sensitive and not see the good intent behind the suggestions because they read it as being told they're incompetent. But I can certainly see getting upset if they're going to be a ###### about it. lol

I went thru a life-threatening illness and obviously survived...

LOL. Thanks. That saves me from asking how it turned out.

[coraliesolms 47]

Well, I have received loads of good advice here, and this might be the year I tell her politely that this is my house, and unless she wants to pay the mortgage, things will be done my way.. (god, I remember my dad saying that to me when I was a teenager!).

I have made all of her appointments,however if she complains about the times they are for, I will tell her that perhaps she should make them herself, that way she is guarenteed the time that she wants.

Im definately glad that I am not alone on this issue.

[coraliesolms 47]

God I wish I had advice for you. We haven't spoken to Tony's mother since 31st May. She is a horrid woman. Her latest thing was to call SIL to brag about how she won an argument with an employee over who's child was dating the worst person. I naturally assumed she was talking about me given the horrid treatment of us.. no it was worse. She actually called SIL to brag about how she won an argument about SIL's boyfriend being the worst.

We're pretty sure she's a narcissist.. and FIL agrees with us.

Good lord, sounds just like mine.. she is constantly trying to get in between me and my SIL.. I love my sister in law to bits, and we get along reeeaaallly well, and I think that really upsets the MIL. She is just a trouble maker, and I really think this is the year that I stand up to it all.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

We can hope that we willnot turn into the horiible MIL ourselves - remember this thread in 25 yrs people!

[Krikit 1,164]

We can hope that we willnot turn into the horiible MIL ourselves - remember this thread in 25 yrs people!

Holy smokes. I'll be dead by then!!

[Fandango 1,439]

It's so hard when you see new parents and want to offer some hints and tips. It's very easy to cause hurt and resentment. Sometimes the one trying to help doesn't go about it the right way, and sometimes the new parents can be overly sensitive and not see the good intent behind the suggestions because they read it as being told they're incompetent. But I can certainly see getting upset if they're going to be a ###### about it. lol

LOL. Thanks. That saves me from asking how it turned out.

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Heh, that was bad wording on my part...I had JUST survived my ordeal at the time I decided 'fuque it, it's not worth it'

[Krikit 1,164]

I remember reading about that. Glad you survived.

[TracyTN 237]

It's so hard when you see new parents and want to offer some hints and tips. It's very easy to cause hurt and resentment. Sometimes the one trying to help doesn't go about it the right way, and sometimes the new parents can be overly sensitive and not see the good intent behind the suggestions because they read it as being told they're incompetent. But I can certainly see getting upset if they're going to be a ###### about it. lol

As a new parent, I am TOTALLY about hints and tips from those who have been there.

However - hubby told her before she even arrived (because she was already giving 'advice' w/out knowing a thing about what we were doing!!) that we were happy to have her ideas if we had problems with our daughter that we were having trouble solving. When she arrived, hubby told her we didn't really have any issues, so then it was as if she set out to create some for us.

He told her in that screaming match that her 'suggestions' come across like mandates and if we don't instantly adopt her idea, she gets in a huff and walks out of the room (which she did repeatedly). She of course can't see it that way but at least all we got after that was eye rolls and sighs.

Honestly - if she ever visits again, I think I may suddenly have to go out of town for work. LOL

[Fandango 1,439]

Gawd - I feel your pain, though I can't imagine how bad it'd be to have her visit for THAT long - damn!!!

I always tolerated my MIL, even after her first visit here after hubby had emigrated. I was ready to strangle her at times, but she didn't tell us how to live our lives or whatever, so I grinned and bore it for two weeks.

This last visit, however - 6 weeks after we had our daughter - was a game changer. She basically told us that EVERYthing we did with our daughter was wrong - from rocking her to sleep to her getting the hiccups a lot (like we can control that!!). She and hubby had a SCREAMING match the second night of her visit about all her negativity and nagging. He told her to shut up about it and start being HELPFUL, or get on the next flight home. She didn't really say much after that, but I guess she thought we couldn't see the looks on her face, or hear her sighs when she disapproved (which was all the time). I have no desire to ever speak to her again on a meaningful level. I will always be kind and civil, but that's as far as I can go. Hubby actually told me he doesn't know how I could ever stand to speak to her again after how she acted, so he does understand. But I will always try to be the bigger person for his sake. He doesn't deserve to see us fighting like cats and dogs, so I'll keep my head about me at all times going forward. If she does visit again, I will dread every second of it, but will rise above it for hubby. Maybe I'll just have to work a lot.

I know people (Lisa included!) who love their MILs and have really close relationships with them. I have to say I'm kind of sad that I don't have that kind of relationship with mine. I would love to.

What a stressful time for you that was...new baby AND crazy MIL. Thank God she's an ocean away

But I am very thankful for my MIL now. She makes my heart happy...I can call her up at anytime and just shoot the sh!t with her, and vice versa. I'm not at all trying to brag, or rub salt in any wounds...I am actually just in disbelief that they are so awesome and I am this lucky. I know how you feel, Tracy - but I loathed my MIL with all my heart, and her treatment of me wasn't just some bossy boots I-know_better, but it was more like a 'I don't like you, and I'm going to make your life a misery, I'm going to interpret every single good thing you do for me as a personal insult and I'm going to tell everyone about it too' It was such a source of pain for me, because all I wanted was a happy existence with my family. When the light of my life - my beloved grandmother - passed away quite surprisingly, my MIL didn't even call me...She lived 2 or 3 minutes from my house, and didn't stop by, no phone call, nothing to say 'I'm so sorry you're going through this'. Sure, we had gotten into the argument previously, but when someone suffers a loss like that, you should put all pettiness aside.

That was in July, in December I was pretty much falling apart with grief over my grandmother still. She was an active participant in my life, and I regard her more as another mother than just some grandma you see once a year. Anyways, It was coming up to the first Christmas without her...my parents and I were just devastated. My parents' friends had invited all four of us up to Orlando for Christmas. My mom politely declined...but I said 'no, you have to go..and you have to go without me' My mom was like 'absolutely not, we need to be with each other'. I told her they had to leave, because I had to know where my marriage stood.

My husband, beginning of December, was like 'what's the deal for Christmas?' I knew if my parents were in town, he would have happily just deposited me there and gone to his family for a few hours. I wanted the normalcy of a husband and wife sharing the hols together. So I told him my parents were going out of town, thus rendering me plan-less. He was like 'my parents invited me for dinner' and I was like 'I'm not going there'...he responded 'oh that's ok, you weren't invited anyways...in fact, my mom specifically told me that you weren't welcome'

Anyways, I told him to go where he felt he belonged, and him being the child that always strived for their attn, went to his parents' for Christmas Eve. To an Italian, Christmas Eve is almost the bigger of the two days. I came home from work CE and stood with my key in the door praying that he would be there. I opened the door and the house was empty and dark. I literally walked in and called my lawyer. I put on a happy voice for my mom on the phone, cos she was already going thru her trauma of losing her mother, so I was all happy and said 'oh I'm eating at Jill's (my bff)...but I didn't. I didn't tell any of my friends, because I was too ashamed. Then I went to church alone, and literally drove around for hours in the dark, listening to Christmas music on the radio and crying my eyes out.

Of course, afterwards, he was all apologetic, he made the wrong choice, blah blah blah...but at the end of the day, you leave your wife, who's at this point just growing back her hair from brain surgery, still walking with a cane, one who just lost one of the most important people in her life, who had never spent a holiday away from family, and you leave her alone? And your mother specifically says 'she's not welcome' and you don't tell her to gfh?

He supposedly learned his lesson. I don't really blame him cos he had a good heart, he was just very conflicted with needing acceptance from family. But I cannot believe a mother would put her son in that position, or even be so cruel to anyone, let alone a DIL. My ex had a hard time accepting the divorce, and fought it for a year and a half, wanted counseling, he'd come by my house and cry and literally sleep on my porch begging me to let him in, etc. All I said to him was 'you cannot teach a man that his place is with his wife' And I've never looked back since.

I really should send his parents a Christmas card and tell them what an awesomely profound effect they had in my life, and how their heartlessness prompted me to find the happiness I truly wanted. When I went to meet them for the first time, they sent me a plane ticket to come share 2 weeks at their house for Christmas. I was fully prepared that if they were maniacs, I was gonna buy my own ticket home and leave, quite possibly dumping my then boyfriend if he even showed one inkling of being meek. But it was awesome! After they met me, his mother offered my now husband her engagement ring! What an honor!!! I pinch myself to think of the wonderful family I have married into, and calling his mother on the phone just to say hi, or when she writes an email and signs it 'I love you, love mom' or when she's on the phone with my husband and says 'give Lisa a kiss and a hug for me', I just am so thankful I wanna cry.

My problem though was not just a horrible manson like MIL, but it was a meek and timid husband who didn't have the balls to stand up for me. I'm not trying to suggest that any of your marriages are doomed, mine was because of my ex and his lameness in standing up for me, the mother? we could have moved away from her

/overshare Sorry for the long post and the overshare

Edited December 10, 2010 by Lisa C

[Fandango 1,439]

I remember reading about that. Glad you survived.

thank you

[Fandango 1,439]

I really should send his parents a Christmas card and tell them what an awesomely profound effect they had in my life, and how their heartlessness prompted me to find the happiness I truly wanted. When I went to meet them for the first time,

That should read 'my new inlaws'

[Krikit 1,164]

OMG, what a witch, Tracy!! You can come to my house the next time she's over.

Oohhhhhh, Lisa. Your story is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. What a horrible horrible woman. I hope she is feeling the pain of her son's loss, and is horrified at the injury she caused the both of you. I am so happy for you.

[TracyTN 237]

OMG, what a witch, Tracy!! You can come to my house the next time she's over.

Oohhhhhh, Lisa. Your story is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. What a horrible horrible woman. I hope she is feeling the pain of her son's loss, and is horrified at the injury she caused the both of you. I am so happy for you.

Could I really??

Lisa I am so thrilled that your MIL now is like that - and you're not rubbing salt in the wounds. It just is what it is. Sometimes you hit the lottery (like you) and sometimes you scrape the bottom of the barrel (like me).

Besides, you deserve it after that last witch. Geez.