Take your time

[Frank and Duyen 0]

I can't speak for everyone else, but when I decided that I wanted to look outside the US for a REAL relationship, and not with a typical american valued girl, I did not think it would be cheap, I KNEW it would NOT be cheap. Price was not even in the picture, it never has been and never will be. I was tired of the one night stands, the american way of thinking that if there is a problem, to heck with it, i will just break up with him and go on or vice versa. I was tired of the "I never want to get married" mentality. I wanted a relationship built on knowledge, not built on sex, and the only way to be able to truly do that is with a long distance relationship. I never rushed to see Binh the first month or two from meeting, we actually waited 9 months before we met for the first time.

When you say once they realize they have the power, I think you are thinking of this entire relationship thing the wrong way. "Once they realize" to me it sounds like you did not inform them of their rights, like you think once they come over here they need to be locked up in a deep dark basement with no contact to the outside world, well heck yes if you treat them as idiots and dont tell them what is really going on, and they eventually find out from other people what their rights are, then they will change. If you treat your woman with RESPECT and let her know what she can and cant do right away and I dont mean "you cant go here, you cant do this, and you have to dress like this" but actually tell her what her rights are and have an EQUAL partnership then when the bad people come whispering things in her ear she wont feel the need to listen to them. I met Fred when he was here this last time, and he told me some funny things that some Vietnamese women were telling his wife, on how to hide money from her and what not. She didnt listen because they have a REAL relationship, he treats her with respect, and she also does. If you keep a person in the dark long enough, anyone offering to show them light will be listened to, but if you show them the light from the start, they have no need to listen to them.

In any relationship, you need to take time, make sure it is right, but if you go into this Vietnamese wife thing, you do need to realize that it is still a relationship, and as such you both need to be partners, and not go into this thinking you are getting a house wife that only says yes to what you say. You also do have to realize that she DOES have family back home, it might seem like they are expecting you to help all the time, and maybe some of them do, BUT..... their culture mandates that they help one another when they need it, this is an obligation that is instilled in them at a very early age, and one of the reasons I really like asian culture. Example, my mother is going through a divorce, she had a stroke 3 years back and is all but blind, and can barely get around, her husband is treating her like he used to treat me (and that aint good!) he cleaned out her bank accounts, so she didnt have money for a lawyer, well their assets combined are well over 300k since they used to own their own trucking company, well no lawyer will touch her case without a $2000 up front payment. To make a long story short, if I had an American wife, we would have argued over me sending her the money, but with Binh (my vietnamese wife) she said send it today. So...... sending money works both ways just like any relationship, if you look abroad, it doesnt matter if she is Soviet, Asian or African, chances are they will want to help family members back home when they can.

Jerome

Well said Jerome

[Dau Que 6]

I can't speak for everyone else, but when I decided that I wanted to look outside the US for a REAL relationship, and not with a typical american valued girl, I did not think it would be cheap, I KNEW it would NOT be cheap. Price was not even in the picture, it never has been and never will be. I was tired of the one night stands, the american way of thinking that if there is a problem, to heck with it, i will just break up with him and go on or vice versa. I was tired of the "I never want to get married" mentality. I wanted a relationship built on knowledge, not built on sex, and the only way to be able to truly do that is with a long distance relationship. I never rushed to see Binh the first month or two from meeting, we actually waited 9 months before we met for the first time.

When you say once they realize they have the power, I think you are thinking of this entire relationship thing the wrong way. "Once they realize" to me it sounds like you did not inform them of their rights, like you think once they come over here they need to be locked up in a deep dark basement with no contact to the outside world, well heck yes if you treat them as idiots and dont tell them what is really going on, and they eventually find out from other people what their rights are, then they will change. If you treat your woman with RESPECT and let her know what she can and cant do right away and I dont mean "you cant go here, you cant do this, and you have to dress like this" but actually tell her what her rights are and have an EQUAL partnership then when the bad people come whispering things in her ear she wont feel the need to listen to them. I met Fred when he was here this last time, and he told me some funny things that some Vietnamese women were telling his wife, on how to hide money from her and what not. She didnt listen because they have a REAL relationship, he treats her with respect, and she also does. If you keep a person in the dark long enough, anyone offering to show them light will be listened to, but if you show them the light from the start, they have no need to listen to them.

In any relationship, you need to take time, make sure it is right, but if you go into this Vietnamese wife thing, you do need to realize that it is still a relationship, and as such you both need to be partners, and not go into this thinking you are getting a house wife that only says yes to what you say. You also do have to realize that she DOES have family back home, it might seem like they are expecting you to help all the time, and maybe some of them do, BUT..... their culture mandates that they help one another when they need it, this is an obligation that is instilled in them at a very early age, and one of the reasons I really like asian culture. Example, my mother is going through a divorce, she had a stroke 3 years back and is all but blind, and can barely get around, her husband is treating her like he used to treat me (and that aint good!) he cleaned out her bank accounts, so she didnt have money for a lawyer, well their assets combined are well over 300k since they used to own their own trucking company, well no lawyer will touch her case without a $2000 up front payment. To make a long story short, if I had an American wife, we would have argued over me sending her the money, but with Binh (my vietnamese wife) she said send it today. So...... sending money works both ways just like any relationship, if you look abroad, it doesnt matter if she is Soviet, Asian or African, chances are they will want to help family members back home when they can.

Jerome

Jerome, feel free to test out your love over there. If your belief is right, I'll be happy for you. If it isn't, it gonna be an extremely costly mistake you ever made in your life. Just remember you only live there for a short period of time. I was born, raised and lived there for a quite period of time. When you live in hotels/motels, you won't see certain things in real daily life.

[BinhJerome 14]

Jerome, feel free to test out your love over there. If your belief is right, I'll be happy for you. If it isn't, it gonna be an extremely costly mistake you ever made in your life. Just remember you only live there for a short period of time. I was born, raised and lived there for a quite period of time. When you live in hotels/motels, you won't see certain things in real daily life.

I am not living in hotels and motels. I have my own house in a very Vietnamese area. There is a 93 year old woman across from us that always wants me to sit with her and she tries to teach me Vietnamese, she also tells my wife not to be mean to me. The big issue is that what has happened to you may or may not happen to other people. Every situation is different, every relationship is different, just because you have had bad experiences, does NOT mean that we will have those same instances. Look at America, you have many of the same problems, and many worse problems. I grew up in a big city, where gang violence was everywhere. Many of my friends were shot and killed well before they ever turned 18, I have watched stabbings, muggings, and all sorts of things that no one should ever bear witness to. The fact is that you do not know me, you do not know my wife, and for anyone to say that me moving here is a costly mistake does not know how good I am actually doing. I am pulling down well over 4 grand a month right now, and that means I am saving well over 3 grand a month. I had a really good job in the US, but I was not able to save that kind of money. Since I have been here, my blood pressure has dropped, and I no longer need to take some of my old medication, I have lost weight, and I actually really enjoy my jobs, I have not enjoyed my work in the US for years, it was just a good paying job and that was it. Regardless of what anyont thinks, I am actually living the American Dream here in HCMC. Also no matter where you go there are bad things and bad people to go along with them. So instead of trying to tell me what I have done wrong, and tell other people what their fiancees are going to do to them, please just zip it because many of us are sick of your attitude about how Vietnamese women are going to act, and how you know what our fiancees and wives really think, because you ONLY know your experiences, NOT OURS. Jerome

[Dai. 7]

Do you really make $4k a month teaching English? That's awesome, I always wonder what teachers make over there. I heard foreigners teaching English get paid good there but I never thought it would be that good.

Edited December 18, 2010 by Dai_Tx

[michael7oanh 1]

Regardless of circumstances, I think it all comes down to the foundation of the relationship. I accept that my wife and I perhaps rushed into evolving our status from pen pals to being an engaged couple. We should have taken more time with planning and discussing what we wanted from a marriage. But fortunately the friendship at the core of our feelings has sustained us even when we hit a roadblock with the visa situation. And as we're still working towards building our life together I'm confident now that we'll get through future obstacles so long as we stay true to a friendship and commitment based on caring for each other.

I feel that often people get too caught up in the immediate benefits of a relationship (for example: physical attraction, money, social status, fun times, visa to a wealthier country or being pampered like a prize catch), but then we forget that a solid foundation is needed to sustain us through the harder times or when either partner outgrows the old thrills and perks.