divorce

[EsOrEnNa 0]

well here is my problem.. we are together for 4 years and married for 2.. we just found out we are pregnant and hubby decited not to be a part of this.. to make the story short i wont have an abortion and he wont be in his/her life.. so i am flying back home to germany to be with my family and to raise my child.. now my question is should we file for divorce now and take care of my visa.. which i should get in june 2007 (the 10 year one) but i dont even wanna have it anymore cuz i am not coming back.. and is there something i can do so he wont get my baby? i am just soooo darn scared that he comes to germany in a couple years and trys to steal my baby.. should we go to a lawyer that he writes his rights over to me? i dunno what to do? :help

[john_and_marlene 162]

well here is my problem.. we are together for 4 years and married for 2.. we just found out we are pregnant and hubby decited not to be a part of this.. to make the story short i wont have an abortion and he wont be in his/her life.. so i am flying back home to germany to be with my family and to raise my child.. now my question is should we file for divorce now and take care of my visa.. which i should get in june 2007 (the 10 year one) but i dont even wanna have it anymore cuz i am not coming back.. and is there something i can do so he wont get my baby? i am just soooo darn scared that he comes to germany in a couple years and trys to steal my baby.. should we go to a lawyer that he writes his rights over to me? i dunno what to do? :help

I would recommend that you sort this all out before departing. Seek the advice of a divorce/family law attorney. As much as you may not want him to be in the child's life, the courts have to make that determination.

[MHandMB 0]

First of all, congratulations on the baby! I am so sorry to hear about your husband, though. I know this must be an incredibly difficult time for you.

I second johnandmarlene's suggestion. Try to get a consultation with an attorney here before leaving. It'll be easier to do now, than to wait until you're halfway across the world.

I hope everything works out well for you.

[JenT 0]

I agree with the other posters. Be strong and do what you need to do for yourself and your baby, but be sure you seek legal counsel before you leave.

I'm sorry that he is behaving this way.... sounds as though you are making the right decision.

Jen

[allynella 0]

I'm not condoning your husband's behaviour/decision, but are you sure he's not just scared? Is it that the decision was made in the beginning not to have kids and now he feels "trapped"? I'm only on the outside looking in... As for leaving and not coming back, you would lose your permanent resident status anyway.

[EsOrEnNa 0]

hey there.. thanks so much for the help.. we live in VA and when he went to the lawyer to file for divorce from his ex wife they told him he has to be separated for 1 year.. so i dunno about that.. but that was about 2 1/2 years ago maybe the laws changed since then.. i dunno.. on the other part he said he wont be in his/her life that didnt come from me.. well right now we dont have any money left for a lawyer.. and he trys to get some from his boss so he can get my ticket but thats it.. there is no money to go and talk to a lawyer.. cuz we still ahve to pay all the bills that are due.. on my visa problem.. i really dont want it anymore.. why should i go through all that stress to file for it alone when i dont even wanna live here in USA anymore.. i think thats just a waste of time and money.. i rather save that for my child.. i dunno i am pretty confused right now.. i am trying to find a cheap ticket and then i am gone.. its sad that it came to this and i wish i could change it but i think it wouldnt help anything..

[JenT 0]

Not to pry Anne, and don't feel as though you need to respond if you prefer not to disclose details, but had you talked with each other about having children before you got married? Since this apparently was unplanned, did you know how adamant he was about not having children when you were married? If that was the case, why didn't he have a vasectomy??

I'm sad for him, that he is so willing to dismiss his own child in this way... that he would expect you to terminate this pregnancy without any regard for your feelings. That's it in a nutshell really. If he doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your feelings, then there's clearly more going on here than just him rejecting his child.

Stay focused on what you need to do for yourself now.

Jen

[diadromous mermaid 36]

well here is my problem.. we are together for 4 years and married for 2.. we just found out we are pregnant and hubby decited not to be a part of this.. to make the story short i wont have an abortion and he wont be in his/her life.. so i am flying back home to germany to be with my family and to raise my child.. now my question is should we file for divorce now and take care of my visa.. which i should get in june 2007 (the 10 year one) but i dont even wanna have it anymore cuz i am not coming back.. and is there something i can do so he wont get my baby? i am just soooo darn scared that he comes to germany in a couple years and trys to steal my baby.. should we go to a lawyer that he writes his rights over to me? i dunno what to do? :help

I'm sorry to hear of the recent turn of events with respect to your marriage, but at the same time, there's another event to celebrate, the child. If funds are tight right now, I'd recommend a trip down to your local Women's Resource Centre or the likes. They might put you in touch with an attorney (pro bono) who could give you a brief understanding of the process ahead of you, while in the US or overseas in Germany. Divorce can be more complex when you are in separate countries, although certainly not impossible.

Also, in response to your concern about your soon-to-be ex-husband wanting to remove a child from Germany some years down the road, then to be prepared you should familiarise youself with the terms of Child Abduction and the Hague Convention. Member states will co-operate if and when situations like this arise. Also bear in mind that according to the International Child Abduction Remedies Act (ICARA) a petitioner seeking return of an abducted child to show "by a preponderance of the evidence" that "the child has been wrongfully removed or retained within the meaning of the Convention." 42 US Code § 11603(e)(1). The Hague Convention, in turn, requires a petitioner to demonstrate that, among other things, that the child/children were "habitually resident" in petitioner’s country of residence at the time of their removal. Now, should the child never 'reside' in the USA, your ex-husband at that time would have no legal parental right to remove the child against his/her will or yours for that matter, as far as I can see. Not that you'd want it to come to that, of course, but it's always wise to know yours and his legal rights.

[EsOrEnNa 0]

sure we talked about kids.. we had one in '03 and he past away.. and i was preggo this may but its complicated cuz i didnt know i was preggo and when we went to the doc she said i had a miscarriage.. and now this.. we didnt think i get preggo that fast again.. first he was really happy and 4 days later he changed his mind.. he was really suportive with the 2 other once that we lost and i dont know why he wont have this miracle?

[JenT 0]

Have you considered that something else may be going on with him besides this..... and he's using this as an excuse?

Edited August 25, 2006 by JenT

[EsOrEnNa 0]

^^ what do u mean?

[diadromous mermaid 36]

sure we talked about kids.. we had one in '03 and he past away.. and i was preggo this may but its complicated cuz i didnt know i was preggo and when we went to the doc she said i had a miscarriage.. and now this.. we didnt think i get preggo that fast again.. first he was really happy and 4 days later he changed his mind.. he was really suportive with the 2 other once that we lost and i dont know why he wont have this miracle?

Hmmm. Two tragic accidents ~ a miscarriage and losing a child as an infant. There's definitely good reason to wonder if your husband's apprehension towards a new addition to the family is founded upon some concern that possibly something might happen with this pregnancy. You've both been through so much, and I can imagine the pain is very raw. Would it not make sense, before ending the marriage to get a couple of sessions together with a counselor to make sure their aren't any grief issues coming into play? I wish you both well...

Edited August 25, 2006 by diadromous mermaid

[JenT 0]

sure we talked about kids.. we had one in '03 and he past away.. and i was preggo this may but its complicated cuz i didnt know i was preggo and when we went to the doc she said i had a miscarriage.. and now this.. we didnt think i get preggo that fast again.. first he was really happy and 4 days later he changed his mind.. he was really suportive with the 2 other once that we lost and i dont know why he wont have this miracle?

Hmmm. Two tragic accidents ~ a miscarriage and losing a child as an infant. There's definitely good reason to wonder if your husband's apprehension towards a new addition to the family is founded upon some concern that possibly something might happen with this pregnancy. You've both been through so much, and I can imagine the pain is very raw. Would it not make sense, before ending the marriage to get a couple of sessions together with a counselor to make sure their aren't any grief issues coming into play? I wish you both well...

Good point, diaddie...

^^ what do u mean?

Never mind... I think diaddie may be on to something... is he willing to go to counseling with you or is he just completely detached and giving up?

[EsOrEnNa 0]

well i was in counseling about a year ago but he wouldnt.. it was about the son (who past) and other reasons but he wouldnt.. by the way i got my new green card today!! (they wrote my name wrong and i had to sent it back) now i got it, at leats one reason to be happy about..

[Henry&Xia 0]

well here is my problem.. we are together for 4 years and married for 2.. we just found out we are pregnant and hubby decited not to be a part of this.. to make the story short i wont have an abortion and he wont be in his/her life.. so i am flying back home to germany to be with my family and to raise my child.. now my question is should we file for divorce now and take care of my visa.. which i should get in june 2007 (the 10 year one) but i dont even wanna have it anymore cuz i am not coming back.. and is there something i can do so he wont get my baby? i am just soooo darn scared that he comes to germany in a couple years and trys to steal my baby.. should we go to a lawyer that he writes his rights over to me? i dunno what to do? :help

Hello, For the sake of any potential change in Heart follow thru with the visa, and see How it goes.

Auf Wiedersehen