Help, I need advice

[repete12747 0]

Hello:

my wife and I wer married in March She went back to Russia recently and returned about a week ago on an advanced parole.

Ou marraige has been perfect, everything is wonderful. She passed her green card with flying colors, she loves my children and grandchildren(she has two sons nd two grandchildren back in Russia)

All of a sudden two days ago, she quit talking to me...........the only thing I did was complain a little that she was sleeping too much(jet lag I guess) Nothing was differnt when she came home, in fact she was so warm and romantic it was wonderful.

Today I could barely figure out that she was really homesick but will not talk about it. She is not saying she wants to go back or anything but she just stopped talking to me, showing any emotion everything.

Has anyone experienced anything like this I can understand her being homesick, we have talked about it before but always she told me that she loved me more than anything and never wanted to go back to Russia except to visit.

She mubled somethning about ten days she would be OK but I am really worried. I have over 2 years, $40,000 and my whole heart invested in her. It would just kill me to lose her at this point in my life. She speaks very little English and I speak very little Russian so that makes it even more difficult There are a few other women in the area from Russia but she says she does not want to talk to them.

I have translated several notes to her trying to find out what is going on, she just says do not speak to her right now.

I am devestated.

Any advice anyone.

[bruc 0]

Hi repete12747,

Sorry to hear about your problem.

I have a friend married to a girl from Ufa and he goes through the same thing everytime his wife returns back home for a visit and they've been married for several years.

I read your post to them and Galina said she understands your wife's feeling very much and hope she get's better very soon.

Her husband says that since your wife has just been here since March that she may now start to experience some culture shock and homesickness as most of the girls do. It took his wife about a year to actually get adjusted and he says she probably needs to take ESL classes for her English.

Galina started within a month after she arrived here and her English is now excellent enough that she's communicating very well with all of us. He also says he keeps her mind busy and that helps a lot .

He asked me to pass this along to you during her rough time....be very patient and loving with her and let her feel that you're supporting her . Spend a lot of time with her if she'll let you .

Galina says to take her shopping :-)

Sometimes when things seem like they're going downhill on us, maybe we need to stick our chins out a little further and keep going.

Good luck and let's all hope that your wife will be back to normal soon :-)

bruc

[baklan 0]

I think she become mean and spoiled and it could be time to review relationship. Sounds like this has nothing to do this her language barrier something else going on. Still this is kind of very russian to say thanks for all your help and investments....

[Satellite 1]

I have over 2 years, $40,000 and my whole heart invested in her.

Sounds like this business venture has gone down hill. Talk to PurrSuede and see if you are heading down the same path towards divorce.

[akdiver 3]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

I have...$40,000... invested in her.

That seems rather excessive. It's worth noting that money doesn't buy everything.

She speaks very little English and I speak very little Russian

How was this supposed to actually work? Two years into things and neither one of you speaks much of the others' language? Well, duh. That's quite a complication.

she just says do not speak to her

Inability or unwillingness to communicate does not bode well for you.

Nothing positive to say, your choices are to respect her wishes or pry to try to get something out of her. Neither option is attractive. Alternatively, you could just try to coax it out of her somehow, but I've got no advice on how to get her to volunteer the info you are seeking.

Good luck.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[JenT 0]

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...c=28386&hl=

[mrsushi66 0]

Sorry but if you post that she speaks very little English and you Speak Very Little Russian then I have to say how can you know what the real problem is.

Convince her to take some ESL classes and make sure she feels like she can tell you anything knowing that you will listen and help her figure things out.

Good luck and hope communication improves.

Paul

[slim 1,530]

She's been in the States for two years and speaks very little English?

Is that because she hasn't been working?

Did you come to the $40,000 by paying for the entire visa process, buying an engagement ring (that was pretty nice), paying for the wedding (that was kind of a big deal) and paying for ALL the bills the last two years, buying her a car, buying her whatever she wanted, etc.?

I'm assuming this is what happened. If not, please let us know. If I'm right so far, you've got two possibilities here....

Either A: she's homesick and realized while she was at home that even though things are nice in America and you take extremely good care of her, she's not really happy like she was before she left Russia. She doesn't have a lot of friends, doesn't do a lot of things, and basically just sits at home all day and waits for you to come back and fill her life up with meaning. Before going home, and for the last two years, this was all good because that's all she really knew and was actually trying hard to please you and make her life work with you. Then she went back home, got a taste of the old life, and realized that maybe she's not so happy here in the U.S.

Or, B:

[slim 1,530]

Or, B: Her friends back home (or ex-boyfriend or whoever) has convinced her that her "waiting period" is up, and now she can leave you whenever she wants. So, she has to play the "I'm mad at you game" for a little while until you guys fight enough to get the Big D. (Which is also all your fault!)

If it's option A, then there's still hope. She loves you and just wants to be happy with more in her life than only pleasing you. Have her get a job (McDonalds is awesome for learning English... and getting free fries!) just to take up her time and force her to interact with people. Then search the local area for other Russian women (like an ESL club or group, yahoo groups, or just a women in the area that's in the same situation that she's in. Someone who speaks Russian and English.) and have her talk with them about adjusting to life here. Then, you should take some Russian classes or try to learn books and cds or whatever. The language barrier is HUGE! If you guys can't communicate effectively, there's no hope!

If it's option B..... get a lawyer now.

You have to be able to talk to her about it first though. Give her a little time to "readjust" to her life here (10 days, right?) then really get on her about it. Find out why she's upset and what the cause is. Who knows though, maybe she just needs a little while to get back into it. Women are funny sometimes! (They're even funnier when they don't think you "understand" them. Hell, it's hard enough to understand women that speak English....)

[repete12747 0]

Hello all......thanks for all your advice.

Well let me finish the story.................

The night after I wrote she woke me up in the middle of the night and we made love for two hours. The next morning it was like nothing was ever wrong and it has been perfect since.

She finally was able to tell me that she was just really tired from the 12 hour plane ride, the 12 hour train ride befoe leaving Russia and the 12 hour drive when we cme home from Atlanta. She missed her family and I did not understand she was so tired, trying to get her to get up when she slept while I was at home.

Well that was three days ago, she is still as romantic as she was in the middle of the night.(she is wearing me out), she constantly tells me she loves me and talks about all the things we will do together. She says we are partners nafsegda(forever). I got a calling card for Russia nd she has called her friends and family and I heard her tell them she is happy and loves her husband.

Women, so hard to understand. she starts her ESL classes on Monday. We got her a backpack tonight, she is thrilled.

Now that things are going so great we have to start working on the "big" problems like using the washer and dryer instead of washing her clothes by hand.

And for all of you who thought I was whining about the $40,000, she is worth that and a million more......I would do it all over gain for the happiest she is showing me. Yes it was for the ring, monthly gifts, flowers, plane tickets, train tickets and I bought her son an apartment; Yes I would do it all again.

She is awesome..............Larry

[knowledge 0]

Hello all......thanks for all your advice.

Well let me finish the story.................

The night after I wrote she woke me up in the middle of the night and we made love for two hours. The next morning it was like nothing was ever wrong and it has been perfect since.

She finally was able to tell me that she was just really tired from the 12 hour plane ride, the 12 hour train ride befoe leaving Russia and the 12 hour drive when we cme home from Atlanta. She missed her family and I did not understand she was so tired, trying to get her to get up when she slept while I was at home.

Well that was three days ago, she is still as romantic as she was in the middle of the night.(she is wearing me out), she constantly tells me she loves me and talks about all the things we will do together. She says we are partners nafsegda(forever). I got a calling card for Russia nd she has called her friends and family and I heard her tell them she is happy and loves her husband.

Women, so hard to understand. she starts her ESL classes on Monday. We got her a backpack tonight, she is thrilled.

Now that things are going so great we have to start working on the "big" problems like using the washer and dryer instead of washing her clothes by hand.

And for all of you who thought I was whining about the $40,000, she is worth that and a million more......I would do it all over gain for the happiest she is showing me. Yes it was for the ring, monthly gifts, flowers, plane tickets, train tickets and I bought her son an apartment; Yes I would do it all again.

She is awesome..............Larry

Compared to your 1st post in here, 1 thing strikes me, the time frame when she stopped talking that was 2 days prior to your post, and you said she came back from Rusia 1 week ago...I don't understand, 2 days ago means she was back home for 3-4 days and only after she stoppped talking...I don't know all the story, but i sort of have the impression that she might have experienced a sort of a shock, there back in Russia and it took time for her to readjust...she has to say freely what bothered her...or try to find a supportive person who has some knowledge in psychology or counselling...if you doubt of the reason she gave to you..

Mayve that will help in the futur if there is a repetition of what happened. What is most important is that she is back to you...mentally and physically!!!

[slim 1,530]

Larry, I hope we can chalk this one up to "women." And that she was just really tired. Maybe that's all it was/is.

Hopefully everything is cool now (it seems that way!) and I'm glad to hear that she's "back in love" with you again. That's awesome. It's also good that she's starting her ESL classes. That's one thing I was trying to stress. To seem more "normal" to you, you've gotta get her assimilated into American culture. If she's been here two years and is still washing clothes by hand, she's gotta get out more. Hell, after two years, she oughta be fat, lazy, and picking fights with you all the time during Monday Night Football.

Just kidding of course, but she ought to be a little bit more "Americanized" after being here for two years. But, maybe not. That won't necessarily make her happier, but it will ease any strain on your relationship because it will help you guys communicate more effectively.

Good luck guys, glad to hear things are moving in the right direction.

[Chuckles 0]

Sorry, I just need to point out that he said the relationship has lasted 2 years, she has been in the US for about 5 months I don't think she has come out of the 'adjustment' period yet.

[slim 1,530]

Ah..... OK. Now it all makes sense!

[PurrSuede 0]

Hello all......thanks for all your advice.

She finally was able to tell me that she was just really tired from the 12 hour plane ride, the 12 hour train ride befoe leaving Russia and the 12 hour drive when we cme home from Atlanta. She missed her family and I did not understand she was so tired, trying to get her to get up when she slept while I was at home.

And keep in mind that in addition to the 36 hours of travelling, that there is often an 8-10 hour difference in clock time between American Time Zones and Russia, depending on where she was from?

So she could have been MAJORLY time-zone lagged out as well as tired from all that travel.

It does take a while to get back to normal, and it's important to be patient...

I'm glad things worked out for you in the end, and it sounds like you're doing well...

-- Dan

I have over 2 years, $40,000 and my whole heart invested in her.

Sounds like this business venture has gone down hill. Talk to PurrSuede and see if you are heading down the same path towards divorce.

Well I appreciate that, however my "case" was really a bit unusual in many ways.

In some ways, what he described in his posts were in the early part of our relationship, however she never had any interest in returning to Russia which struck me as EXTREMELY odd.

Also, once she had taken ESL courses, once she had a job (even if minimum wage) and a car to drive wherever she pleased (mine, I'll add...) she got extremely independent and that was a huge part of our problem as well...

I won't dig up a lot of dirty laundry from the past, but I think if I saw similar things happening in a future relationship, I'd sit her down and have a LONG LONG talk.

And I've found that with dictionaries, electronic translators, translating computer software and other things, it IS possible to have long long talks even if you don't always speak the same language...

-- Dan