HELP! He suddenly has the worst pre-wedding cold feet and we're falling apart!!!

[Christi85 86]

Best of luck from me too!

Your decision sounds sensible given the circumstances, however your case is much more complicated than an average case, given that you are going there on a fiancee visa which will only be valid for 90 days. And your fiance really needs to have this in mind. It's not as if there's indefinite time ahead for a decision or for procrastination.

I do hope he does the right thing.

From what I understand though, your planned wedding on December 5 isn't going to go ahead? That's a lot of money down the drain - same goes for the K1 visa if it isn't followed through.

[TeddyHoney 42]

Not my place to say here, but I will anyway. In my opinion, you need/deserve someone more emotionally mature. Not neccessarily older, but more emotionally mature and stable with some life experiences behind him and no unfinished business out there. You shouldn't have to wait on someone else to grow up and be emotionally matured.

My example is the my filipina fiancee is the one for me. Our relationship is over 2ys old now and I decided long ago, that if she will have me, then she is the one and that's it. She has been with me throughout it all (long distance of course), dialysis, kidney transplant and complications, divorce and child custody long and drawn out, finacial issues due to divorce, etc. But she still there. There's no way any other woman can draw my attention at any level unless I allow it. It cannot happen unless I allow it. Its impossible for it to "just happen" for me. I alone have the power of letting some other women into my thoughts at least or worst.

Not saying I am superman and can defeat any temptation. Jus saying that it is in my power to resist any and starts with the decision that my fiancee is all I want.

Don;t know if that made a whole lot of sense but just trying to illustrate that we do have much control if we want to use it, especially for what we want.

Still God bless and take care and I wish the best for you.

[TracyTN 237]

But I know that I should not really expect something so big to come out of this trip.

Yes you do - to get married! That's what this trip was supposed to be all about. I hope it works out. Would hate for his indecisiveness to send you home, only to have you have to go through all this again if he then decided he couldn't live without you.

[rlogan 2,036]

it is in my power to resist any and starts with the decision that my fiancee is all I want.

Exactly so.

[Fandango 1,439]

however your case is much more complicated than an average case,

it is?

[Hurting Bad 14]

Hi! Oh, I just realized that I have missed reading a lot of posts BEFORE I wrote my second post. This is my third. So glad that I started on page 1 today, because I knew I have a lot of time now. Ah, the joy of jet lag. LOL! I'm here in the US now. Slept for 7 hours on the plane on Filipino bedtime, so now I can't sleep on US bedtime. Oh well. But tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be busy with my bestfriend.

So yeah, I am staying with my bestfriend, and even just seeing her again after 5 years has already paid off this trip.

Well, not totally paid off. I was lying. LOL. Of course I am really excited to see my ex (weird to call him that) again, and see how it goes. We meet on Sunday. He lives 1.5 hours away from my bestfriend. And on Sunday, my bestfriend will come with me to hopefully kick his ####. Just kidding, but yeah, she wants to be sure that I'd be safe. Although I already know I'd be safe with him, I still respect my bestfriend's concern.

Before my flight, we talked on the phone. He sounded more relaxed, more positive, and less scared. And because of something I said to him, he said that I took the "pressure" away from him, and that made him feel really good. I still think that he loves me, I'm smart enough to know that. I still think he's just scared and nervous about getting married. Although I totally am still disappointed in him for what he did, I've forgiven him and understand him, and want to be supportive rather than judgmental and conditional. But in the end if his fears are stronger than his love and he can't seem to move forward, I'd be willing to let go. My good genes need to be replicated, I want to have kids while I'm still young :-p

And if this could help you, my dear VJ friends, understand the situation better (although my intention is NOT to defend him), I'd like to add this. We were originally planning to have a very small wedding without a grand celebration. Anyway, it's just a civil wedding, and all my relatives will come to our church wedding later, so there's not much need to have a big one now. So that was the plan. BUT his mother, very excited about the wedding, had been making a different plan. She invited 80 guests, worked on reserving a reception venue with my ex, and then asked if I could invite some relatives and friends, too, and I came up with 15 guests. So we estimated the guests to be about a hundred. I think this freaked him out, plus we'd get married 1.5 weeks right after my arrival! I think this was a big factor in his anxiety. But nevertheless, if one is ready, he should be ready no matter what, so yes, he really needs to know what he really wants for sure.

Looking forward to reading more bright insights from you. OMG, while I was reading all your posts, I had some goosebumps, and there was this post that made me teary-eyed coz it touched me deep inside (it went something like, "he doesn't need a sermon or a drama, all he needs is a big hug and kind words that everything's gonna be alright." And all the other posts are great, not just this one! Thank you so much! I'm still so blessed! Happy thanksgiving, everyone!

[Christi85 86]

Hi! Oh, I just realized that I have missed reading a lot of posts BEFORE I wrote my second post. This is my third. So glad that I started on page 1 today, because I knew I have a lot of time now. Ah, the joy of jet lag. LOL! I'm here in the US now. Slept for 7 hours on the plane on Filipino bedtime, so now I can't sleep on US bedtime. Oh well. But tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be busy with my bestfriend.

So yeah, I am staying with my bestfriend, and even just seeing her again after 5 years has already paid off this trip.

Well, not totally paid off. I was lying. LOL. Of course I am really excited to see my ex (weird to call him that) again, and see how it goes. We meet on Sunday. He lives 1.5 hours away from my bestfriend. And on Sunday, my bestfriend will come with me to hopefully kick his ####. Just kidding, but yeah, she wants to be sure that I'd be safe. Although I already know I'd be safe with him, I still respect my bestfriend's concern.

Before my flight, we talked on the phone. He sounded more relaxed, more positive, and less scared. And because of something I said to him, he said that I took the "pressure" away from him, and that made him feel really good. I still think that he loves me, I'm smart enough to know that. I still think he's just scared and nervous about getting married. Although I totally am still disappointed in him for what he did, I've forgiven him and understand him, and want to be supportive rather than judgmental and conditional. But in the end if his fears are stronger than his love and he can't seem to move forward, I'd be willing to let go. My good genes need to be replicated, I want to have kids while I'm still young :-p

And if this could help you, my dear VJ friends, understand the situation better (although my intention is NOT to defend him), I'd like to add this. We were originally planning to have a very small wedding without a grand celebration. Anyway, it's just a civil wedding, and all my relatives will come to our church wedding later, so there's not much need to have a big one now. So that was the plan. BUT his mother, very excited about the wedding, had been making a different plan. She invited 80 guests, worked on reserving a reception venue with my ex, and then asked if I could invite some relatives and friends, too, and I came up with 15 guests. So we estimated the guests to be about a hundred. I think this freaked him out, plus we'd get married 1.5 weeks right after my arrival! I think this was a big factor in his anxiety. But nevertheless, if one is ready, he should be ready no matter what, so yes, he really needs to know what he really wants for sure.

Looking forward to reading more bright insights from you. OMG, while I was reading all your posts, I had some goosebumps, and there was this post that made me teary-eyed coz it touched me deep inside (it went something like, "he doesn't need a sermon or a drama, all he needs is a big hug and kind words that everything's gonna be alright." And all the other posts are great, not just this one! Thank you so much! I'm still so blessed! Happy thanksgiving, everyone!

I have to say, I do admire your courage, your positivity and your strength! I know I'd have reacted in a very different way had this happened to me, which is why I admire the way you're dealing with all this.

I've offered my two cents above, so I don't have anything to add at the moment. Just wait and see how things go, and I do wish you the very best - you sound like an amazing young woman!

I do hope you write back in a few days' time with good news to tell us.

[HEART 2010 2]

Im glad you are safe from your flight... and hopefully and I think everything will be fine with you and him, just keep on updating us, coz we are following your unique pre wedding love story" <3 Happy Thanksgiving... lucky you have bestfriend there to lean on God bless you!

[Hurting Bad 14]

Hi, everyone. No, it did not work out. He is not ready and wants to explore his life and other relationships first. I do not feel like I lost something. I did my best. Now on to a new page with a stronger and better me. God bless us all.

[Christi85 86]

Hi, everyone. No, it did not work out. He is not ready and wants to explore his life and other relationships first. I do not feel like I lost something. I did my best. Now on to a new page with a stronger and better me. God bless us all.

I've told you before that I admire your way of thinking and your courage. God bless you!! It's HIS major loss!!!

I had a similar situation a few years back - fortunately we didn't go as far as an engagement and a planned wedding, but it was quite a serious relationship and I too thought we were soulmates, made for each other etc etc. I was his first serious relationship and he left me with the exact same excuse - he wanted to explore his life and other relationships. Just so that you're warned, this type of person will most definitely come back in a couple months and beg you to take him back. He'll even stick around if you keep saying no. Don't make the mistake of letting him into your life again, as he'll most definitely be like this for your whole life together - immature and manipulative. That's exactly what that ex of mine did (i.e. came back begging) and he was after me for years after that, even though I kept making it clear that it was a no and even though I was in other relationships!! Just move on with your life, you deserve much better! When you meet the real man of your dreams you'll know immediately because all he'll want will be you, no conditions attached. That's exactly what happened to me when I met my now husband!

Best of luck and I hope your real other half comes to your life very very soon!

[TracyTN 237]

Hi, everyone. No, it did not work out. He is not ready and wants to explore his life and other relationships first. I do not feel like I lost something. I did my best. Now on to a new page with a stronger and better me. God bless us all.

I'm really sorry to read that. I just find it so odd that he would go as far as to navigate US immigration for you, but when the rubber meets the road, he's too much of a little boy to step up. But at least you didn't marry him only to find this out when it was too late. His loss. Best of luck to you.

[rlogan 2,036]

I had a similar situation a few years back - fortunately we didn't go as far as an engagement and a planned wedding, but it was quite a serious relationship and I too thought we were soulmates, made for each other etc etc. I was his first serious relationship and he left me with the exact same excuse - he wanted to explore his life and other relationships. Just so that you're warned, this type of person will most definitely come back in a couple months and beg you to take him back. He'll even stick around if you keep saying no. Don't make the mistake of letting him into your life again, as he'll most definitely be like this for your whole life together - immature and manipulative. That's exactly what that ex of mine did (i.e. came back begging) and he was after me for years after that, even though I kept making it clear that it was a no and even though I was in other relationships!! Just move on with your life, you deserve much better! When you meet the real man of your dreams you'll know immediately because all he'll want will be you, no conditions attached. That's exactly what happened to me when I met my now husband!

Some good advice here.

I think Hurting Bad is going to follow it too. She seems to have a very good head on her shoulders.

Allow me to say that he is a major jerk, although I would use stronger language if it were permitted.

[Hurting Bad 14]

Thank you. Yes, he knows he is a jerk. I told him so and he agreed. Haha. Really looking forward to finding the right person. I feel that I have so much to give and share.

[Married2009 32]

I am so sorry that it ended as it did, but at least you found out before the wedding. I know that doesn't help much now, but it will, eventually. Enjoy your visit with your best friend, and I wish you the best in the future!!

Edited to add: You do have quite a bit to offer in the right relationship - never forget that, or settle for anyone less than you deserve!

Edited December 2, 2010 by Married2009

[Ted46 2]

Behaving like a boy rather than a man, that guy is such a moron.