HELP! He suddenly has the worst pre-wedding cold feet and we're falling apart!!!

[Sufrank 4]

This is definitely the worst nightmare of my life. I am really saddened and I've been crying the whole afternoon.

I have a K1 visa and I'm supposed to fly in 3 days. The wedding is supposed to be on Dec. 5. My fiance and I have been very much in love and happy as a couple. That is, BEFORE TODAY. Everything was perfect. Guests are ready for the wedding. My relatives in the US have booked their flights and hotels. Everyday, he's been telling me he loves me.

But then today, 2 weeks before the wedding and 3 days before I leave, he told me that he's so nervous and anxious about the wedding, and he is no longer sure if he wants to get married. And he is not sure IF I'm really THE ONE. He was never like this after we filed the K1 application. Last night, he even texted me that he's excited to hold me again, and the whole of his Saturday was spent cleaning his condo for my arrival. And then when we talked about cold feet, that's when he fell apart. Both of us have never been married before, we're both from a good family and good educational background, we have the same profession, we don't have kids, and we've never been engaged to anyone before. We're both turning 31 this January, we even have the same date and we were born on the same year :-( I used to think we were soulmates who were both really in love, until today. Well, I still love him dearly, but I don't know about him anymore :-( And that's what scares me.

The story began with me asking about his concern, and he started off saying that he's been asking himself if I'm really the one. And then I asked him if he could see himself being with someone else. It took him a while to reply, which was odd. So I asked him if there's indeed someone else. He said there's this girl whom he met in Sept but they just said hi, and then he met her again last week, and that was the time when they got to know each other. That's when he started being attracted to her. He was surprised, too, because he's never been like that to anyone since we were a couple. So he was wondering why all of a sudden, he felt that way for someone he barely knew! I could tell that he's been faithful and honest to me so far. He said they haven't had sex and never kissed and he hasn't really pursued her. But he told me today that he was wondering, what if they work out, who's really the one for him, me or her? So I asked him if he really wanted to pursue a relationship with her, and he said he's not planning to, and he'll never know if they'll get along well, anyway. But at some other points of the conversation, he would still mention her. As I'm the one who would rather know things rather than forever wonder, I asked him to call her and tell her about it, and he did, and she felt bad that it was happening to us, and he said that he made her cry because she felt sorry for us that we're having a problem coz she's in the way. The end of the story is that my fiance ended up telling me that he's really not interested in pursuing her, he doesn't want to start all over again, and in fact, the problem is NOT the girl, but that he's just not sure if he is ready to get married in two weeks.

We've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now, and he came to see me twice, for a total of 42 days. Both visits were perfect! Even up to today, what he's been telling he is that we have perfect time together, we can accomplish so many things together. He kept on telling me that he loves me so much, but he's just scared to find out what will happen WHEN I already get there in 3 days and get married in 2 weeks and live our lives together forever. He said that we haven't really been together that long physically.

I asked him if he still wants me to go there as planned. At first he was hesitant while he was thinking of a response. And I added that if we do not see each other and my visa expires on Jan. 6, I will never get back with him nor apply for another K1 again -- it's just too much heartache, humiliation, and wasted time, I think. It's either he wants me or he doesn't. Then he kept on telling me that that would devastate him if he loses me. He just needed time to be physically with me. BUT here's the catch: he said that if I go there as planned, he cannot promise that he will marry me within the 90-day period of my K1. Which means that I might go back double-brokenhearted sooner or later, if things really don't work out, and I assume he meant that if he still didn't marry me, I would still continue my relationship with him until he is ready to get married. As of now, I think this is b.s., but you'll never know how some stupid love will make you decide later on.

I love him so much and I'm willing to forgive him for his grave flaws. We don't have major problems other than his fickle-mindedness. We broke up twice in our relationship because he felt like he made a mistake in proposing to me, and then the next day after I broke up with him, he ended up begging me to forgive him. This time, I am the one who's scared of losing him. I don't know what's out there. It's different now because I am fully set to get married. I love him so much.

Tomorrow, we will talk again about this issue, but before that, we will talk to our parents, especially about the wedding. He is not ready to get married, and of course I also wouldn't want to get married yet if he's feeling like that. My mother and his mother also agreed (before today) that I will be staying with his mother before the Dec. 5 wedding. It's a culture thing. But reality dawned on me, what if it takes a long time before we get married, I'd have to live with his mother, and they both work at the office, and I might end up perhaps half-crazy and half-depressed. I have a perfect family here in the Philippines, employable, and very talented, and I gave up everything just to be with someone who's not even sure if he wants to marry me.

What do you think? Am I right or am I stupid in still wanting to give this a shot? What is happening to my fiance? Is this forgivable? Is this common? If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Thanks in advance for your replies.

I think it is normal, my husband and I had the same problem one week before our wedding and it was because we were scared! It will be a big change for both of you!

I think you should go see him and talk, more than that see how you feel around him! Long distance relationship are always hard!

I hope everything goes well for you like it went for me!

Good luck, and I will pray for you!

[B_J 2,752]

Hello Hurting Bad... you should get on that plane and be with him...i am sure he will not feel that way he feels right now when you are together again..but all i just wanted to say is pray..that all you can do,ask guidance from God i know He will help you decide before you ride that plane...Good luck..and God bless you always....will pray for both of you!

[TeddyHoney 42]

He sounds rather immature and unsure of what he wants to do. Seems he has been at times during this relationship. I don't know why he would engage in a process like this knowing the waitig and separation,etc. I agree that with the time and emotion you have invested in this you should continue the path and then when here try to get to the bottom of things. Maybe you will not get married, but I feel it would be better to face the situation in person and not get married if he is unsure (unsure - after all this time??), than to marry someone who is not unconditionally devoted to you. Yes that would hurt and seem you have wasted a lot of time and emotion but I would not call it waste. You invested and experienced and that is never wasted no matter the outcome. Sounds like you have a lot going of you so no doubt you can find someone to commit to you and follow through. 31 is kind of young but still this guy should know what he wants to do or not. This process is designed in part to test relationships and only the strong survive. But it takes two. you've done your part.

In any case, do what is best for you in the short and long term - especially long term.

Good luck and God bless!

[thongd4me 69]

Brings to mind a screwball comedy, My Favorite Wife with Cary Grant.

That's not quite the same plot as the movie dilemma, but definitely

not a good situation to be in. Maybe it's best to cut your losses before

you take the plunge; doubts like his are likely to be repeated with

ANOTHER woman if this "fantasy" doesn't pan out.

[luckytxn 2,264]

I had been divorced for 15 years before I met my now wife. In that time I had been engaged 4 times and each time I got cold feet and took off. This time I had also gotten cold feet and tried to get out but for some reason my then fiancee just ignored me and kept making plans. I even started to say NO more loudly but she again just ignored me and went on. When it got close I finally told her my many misgivings and she asked if I loved her. I told her yes then she said then there is no problems. I of course being a lot older than her just chalked this up to her being naive. Her and I had a big chat and I extracted a promise from her that if after we got married and such and then either of us found out we were incompatible that she had to grant me a divorce and we move on and that I would make sure she stayed and become permanent.

After she arrived we both got married in a civil union and recently have gotten married in a church wedding as she is Catholic. We have been together now over a year and a half and we are both very happy. I still have misgivings as I can't understand why this major babe is so in love with me and I am so happy.

Many men get cold feet and woman are supposed to be strong and go on with it. If every time a someone has gotten cold feet and the other stopped it then we would have very few weddings. From what you have posted this is all it is and nothing more and less. Now go and get over here and show the moron how much of a one he was and get on with life. You two will be happy and live happily ever after.

[thongd4me 69]

I had been divorced for 15 years before I met my now wife. In that time I had been engaged 4 times and each time I got cold feet and took off. This time I had also gotten cold feet and tried to get out but for some reason my then fiancee just ignored me and kept making plans. I even started to say NO more loudly but she again just ignored me and went on. When it got close I finally told her my many misgivings and she asked if I loved her. I told her yes then she said then there is no problems. I of course being a lot older than her just chalked this up to her being naive. Her and I had a big chat and I extracted a promise from her that if after we got married and such and then either of us found out we were incompatible that she had to grant me a divorce and we move on and that I would make sure she stayed and become permanent.

After she arrived we both got married in a civil union and recently have gotten married in a church wedding as she is Catholic. We have been together now over a year and a half and we are both very happy. I still have misgivings as I can't understand why this major babe is so in love with me and I am so happy.

Many men get cold feet and woman are supposed to be strong and go on with it. If every time a someone has gotten cold feet and the other stopped it then we would have very few weddings. From what you have posted this is all it is and nothing more and less. Now go and get over here and show the moron how much of a one he was and get on with life. You two will be happy and live happily ever after.

I agree with our Texan friend that men are indeed a weird species, but if you decide to make the trip,

don't be afraid to be assertive and read him the riot act (YOU are #1 and nobody else!) in a kind,

loving way...

[TracyTN 237]

Just wondering how the OP was feeling today.

[cherrylovekalbs 4]

Men and marriage fears:

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/men/fear-of-marriage

Edited November 22, 2010 by cherrylovekalbs

[thongd4me 69]

Just wondering how the OP was feeling today.

Her flight appears to be 24 Nov (EST) - she may or may not change her mind,

but her ticket is paid for by her fiancé and he should have the decency to

tell her to her face how he really feels.

[rlogan 2,036]

I'd be going over the past to see if there are some red flags you wondered about at the time but were overlooked. This wasn't a lot of information to go on, but the business about meeting that other girl sure was a red flag in my book. Also a bad sign he isn't promising to marry in the 90 days.

I'd be laying a good contingency plan for re-establishing life in the Philippines.

Sorry - this has to be heart-wrenching.

[Hurting Bad 14]

Hi! Thanks for the additional replies! I am feeling better. We aren't back together, but we are back to being friends, and that's what we'll be when I get there -- meaning, we start without expectations, no pressure, just be in the same vicinity and see how our physical presence would affect our situation. We still talk everyday, although the first 2 days were filled with fights, but then recently, we're excited to see each other again and laughing again.

I have also talked to his cousin in the Philippines, she was able to talk to him about the problem. The cousin talked to me secretly. She said that he really just needed time, there is really no third party. She also gave me very useful advice. I believe her... the issue is his readiness. So all in all, we had 3 break ups in our 2 years together, but we never had issues, except for his readiness for marriage. I have forgiven him for this, as for me, this isn't unforgivable. Something can still be done as long as there is love and there are no major red flags in the relationship. Successful people become so because they don't easily give up.

But I know that I should not really expect something so big to come out of this trip. My only expectation is that I show him how much I love him, and that would be enough. If he decides to let go of me, then it's not my loss. I am sure that someday, he would realize how much of a jerk he was to let go of me despite of everything we shared, and everything I did for him against all odds. Given my beauty, intelligence, talents, character, and social skills, I can easily find a much worthy replacement later on. Haha. I bet he can never find a partner who would share with him as much as we shared, and would love him unconditionally as I do. As he said yesterday, this is his best relationship, despite of our problem now.

If he decides to not get married YET and make me return to the Philippines when my visa expires, I will have to think about my next decision. One step at a time. I need a man who can make up his mind in a reasonable amount of time.

Ok, time to get ready for the big fight. I mean, flight :-) I leave today.

Cheers!

[sachinky 465]

All the very best to you! Keep us posted.

[Robert de Bonda 3]

Good luck! You have a long flight ahead of you. Try to get some rest on the way over.

[rlogan 2,036]

.

I am sure that someday, he would realize how much of a jerk he was to let go of me despite of everything we shared, and everything I did for him against all odds. Given my beauty, intelligence, talents, character, and social skills, I can easily find a much worthy replacement later on. Haha. I bet he can never find a partner who would share with him as much as we shared, and would love him unconditionally as I do.

That's the spirit!

If he decides to not get married YET and make me return to the Philippines when my visa expires, I will have to think about my next decision. One step at a time. I need a man who can make up his mind in a reasonable amount of time.

You have a good attitude. I don't think it wise to force his hand with an ultimatum, because that isn't him marrying you out of genuine motivation.

But I'd dump him if he doesn't.

Ok, time to get ready for the big fight. I mean, flight :-) I leave today.

Cheers!

Check out the guys on the flight deck, and everyone in business class.

Edited November 24, 2010 by rlogan

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Good luck! Positive thoughts your way!