HELP! He suddenly has the worst pre-wedding cold feet and we're falling apart!!!

[Aztec&Taino 144]

This is definitely the worst nightmare of my life. I am really saddened and I've been crying the whole afternoon.

I have a K1 visa and I'm supposed to fly in 3 days. The wedding is supposed to be on Dec. 5. My fiance and I have been very much in love and happy as a couple. That is, BEFORE TODAY. Everything was perfect. Guests are ready for the wedding. My relatives in the US have booked their flights and hotels. Everyday, he's been telling me he loves me.

But then today, 2 weeks before the wedding and 3 days before I leave, he told me that he's so nervous and anxious about the wedding, and he is no longer sure if he wants to get married. And he is not sure IF I'm really THE ONE. He was never like this after we filed the K1 application. Last night, he even texted me that he's excited to hold me again, and the whole of his Saturday was spent cleaning his condo for my arrival. And then when we talked about cold feet, that's when he fell apart. Both of us have never been married before, we're both from a good family and good educational background, we have the same profession, we don't have kids, and we've never been engaged to anyone before. We're both turning 31 this January, we even have the same date and we were born on the same year :-( I used to think we were soulmates who were both really in love, until today. Well, I still love him dearly, but I don't know about him anymore :-( And that's what scares me.

The story began with me asking about his concern, and he started off saying that he's been asking himself if I'm really the one. And then I asked him if he could see himself being with someone else. It took him a while to reply, which was odd. So I asked him if there's indeed someone else. He said there's this girl whom he met in Sept but they just said hi, and then he met her again last week, and that was the time when they got to know each other. That's when he started being attracted to her. He was surprised, too, because he's never been like that to anyone since we were a couple. So he was wondering why all of a sudden, he felt that way for someone he barely knew! I could tell that he's been faithful and honest to me so far. He said they haven't had sex and never kissed and he hasn't really pursued her. But he told me today that he was wondering, what if they work out, who's really the one for him, me or her? So I asked him if he really wanted to pursue a relationship with her, and he said he's not planning to, and he'll never know if they'll get along well, anyway. But at some other points of the conversation, he would still mention her. As I'm the one who would rather know things rather than forever wonder, I asked him to call her and tell her about it, and he did, and she felt bad that it was happening to us, and he said that he made her cry because she felt sorry for us that we're having a problem coz she's in the way. The end of the story is that my fiance ended up telling me that he's really not interested in pursuing her, he doesn't want to start all over again, and in fact, the problem is NOT the girl, but that he's just not sure if he is ready to get married in two weeks.

We've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now, and he came to see me twice, for a total of 42 days. Both visits were perfect! Even up to today, what he's been telling he is that we have perfect time together, we can accomplish so many things together. He kept on telling me that he loves me so much, but he's just scared to find out what will happen WHEN I already get there in 3 days and get married in 2 weeks and live our lives together forever. He said that we haven't really been together that long physically.

I asked him if he still wants me to go there as planned. At first he was hesitant while he was thinking of a response. And I added that if we do not see each other and my visa expires on Jan. 6, I will never get back with him nor apply for another K1 again -- it's just too much heartache, humiliation, and wasted time, I think. It's either he wants me or he doesn't. Then he kept on telling me that that would devastate him if he loses me. He just needed time to be physically with me. BUT here's the catch: he said that if I go there as planned, he cannot promise that he will marry me within the 90-day period of my K1. Which means that I might go back double-brokenhearted sooner or later, if things really don't work out, and I assume he meant that if he still didn't marry me, I would still continue my relationship with him until he is ready to get married. As of now, I think this is b.s., but you'll never know how some stupid love will make you decide later on.

I love him so much and I'm willing to forgive him for his grave flaws. We don't have major problems other than his fickle-mindedness. We broke up twice in our relationship because he felt like he made a mistake in proposing to me, and then the next day after I broke up with him, he ended up begging me to forgive him. This time, I am the one who's scared of losing him. I don't know what's out there. It's different now because I am fully set to get married. I love him so much.

Tomorrow, we will talk again about this issue, but before that, we will talk to our parents, especially about the wedding. He is not ready to get married, and of course I also wouldn't want to get married yet if he's feeling like that. My mother and his mother also agreed (before today) that I will be staying with his mother before the Dec. 5 wedding. It's a culture thing. But reality dawned on me, what if it takes a long time before we get married, I'd have to live with his mother, and they both work at the office, and I might end up perhaps half-crazy and half-depressed. I have a perfect family here in the Philippines, employable, and very talented, and I gave up everything just to be with someone who's not even sure if he wants to marry me.

What do you think? Am I right or am I stupid in still wanting to give this a shot? What is happening to my fiance? Is this forgivable? Is this common? If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Thanks in advance for your replies.

Hello,

You are obviously quite a talented, smart, professional young woman. I am sorry that now your fiance is expressing doubt as your flight is coming up so soon. If I were you, I would still take that plane. On the one hand, maybe some time together to interact and be with each other will clarify in his mind the love he has for you. On the other hand, if after spending some one-on-one time he still does not want to get married, then you can still take the opportunity to visit and travel within the US for up to 90 days. It could also be an adventure. Quite honestly, to me it sounds like he is nervous because the wedding has been planned as a big thing. That is why I am thinking my wedding will be a very small and comfortable affair because that is what is important for me (and my fiance, too); to be with my close friends. It seems as though to have a large wedding with family members flying over to come might put too much pressure on a person, specially if you've never been married before. I kind of have the feeling from what you have described that once you come here and he sees you and reconnects with you his mind and heart will again be with you. Yet, you need to be prepared to think that it might not work out at the end. In which case you would return to your country. Life is an adventure and I advocate for taking risks. Why not? Wouldn't you kill yourself wondering if he would have changed his mind if you choose not to come? Wouldn't you be torturing yourself with the "what if?"

Best wishes as you make your decision.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Hi Hurting Bad...

Your guy doesn't need a sermon nor any drama...he simply needs your tender hug and your reassuring words that everything is going to be all right. Go to him.

[meijie 9]

If I were you, I wouldn't marry him nor would I get on the plane. Immigration issues aside, it sounds like he is not that serious or committed about you. If there are doubts before getting married, they will only be exacerbated after marriage.

[carocaro 22]

The words "cold feet" usually go along with marriage commitment and grooms. If you can afford it, get on the plane and go see what happens in real life.

I'm sending prayers.

Caro

[gueuze 2]

Some very important people in my life have already called me for comfort, too, and they all agree with my plan, too -- to go there, then go home if it doesn't work out, and not go back with him ever again.

This might have been said before but the 90-day period laid by the K1 visa isn't for deciding whether things "work out or not." It's for you both to get married.

The whole situation is like pingpong. What if after the day of your marriage, that guy suddenly says that you are not "the right person" for him?

I don't think he is really ready to get into the type of commitment that you want. This is a huge gamble on your part.

[Rings 10]

I am not full of the best advice, but I do understand the cold feet. Man I was going to get married to my husband in Australia and I totally hyperventilated 3 days before the wedding. I didn't know if I could go through with it. I was scared. I was questioning if I really knew him well enough even though we had been talking for freaking 4 years. I don't know why I was so freaked out. It wasn't like I couldn't get divorced if it was a mistake right? He literally had to hold me while I was shaking in fear and that scared him too! He was like...man is this chick seriously going to bag out on me now?

I guess my point is... marriage is a pretty big step. It's a huge decision that suddenly floods over you in that moment that realization hits you like a brick. I did go through with the marriage and this morning while we were drinking coffee and eating eggs, I read your post and looked at him and smiled.

We have been married now for 4 years. I knew I wanted to marry him the whole time... I don't know what came over me in those last minutes before tying the knot. The fact that he is suddenly realizing that he is loosing his freedom to be a single man may be a HUGE factor to him.

I think you should come and be with him... I needed my husband to hold me and calm me down. Maybe he needs that from you too. Either way, you can always go back home if things don't work out. I hope my story helps you.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Hurting Bad...

Please don't waste your time with "what ifs." Love is always a gamble...take a chance...roll the dice.

[Tanoushka 7]

OP, I feel sorry that you have to go through this. But at the same time, having cold feet doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

I think that in a situation like yours when you have been together for 2 years but physically together for a small amount of time, it might take a toll on your feelings when the big day approaches.

I think that this a normal reaction. Everybody reacts differently but I am pretty sure that we all feel nervous when the wedding date is near. It is an important commitment and you don't want to take it lightly.

I believe that going there will help whether the outcome is good or not.

It might also not just be a matter of you being the one but him being ready for the commitment (with anyone). I understand that he needs time to figure it out but this is something that he should have done before proposing though.

I wish you good luck and please let us know how you're doing

[Christi85 86]

I do feel for you.

While I do understand the cold feet, there are a few things that scare me in the situation the way you describe it.

First, getting cold feet is quite normal/expected up to a point, but it's a completely different thing to question your feelings for your other half over some random acquaintance, also given your relationship background (you said you've broken up before because he wasn't sure about his commitment to your relationship - and then he begged for forgiveness).

With all due respect, your fiance wants to have his cake and eat it. You were absolutely right to make it clear to him that if he decided against marriage at this point he'd never see you again (what would be the point anyway?). To that he showed complete lack of understanding by taking this as an ultimatum on your behalf, when the only thing you're trying to do is save yourself more misery than what he's currently putting you through. He sounds like he wants to have his way no matter what. Even if he decided he didn't want to get married now, he'd want to go on with the relationship until further notice, and you'd have to go along with that in his book. How about your expired visa after 90 days? How about the fact that such a decision on his behalf would nullify your K1 visa and effectively make you illegal if you stayed past the 90 days without marriage and a subsequent AOS? What about the fact that you're giving up your life, family, prospects and career in your home country just to be with him? He doesn't sound like he's taking any of this into account, or your feelings for that matter.

These are my concerns and fears judging on how you described the situation, the background of your relationship and your discussions.

I'll agree with all those who said "get on that plane". Go there and clarify things. Be prepared for everything. If he decides not to get married even after you've talked face to face and spent some time together, stick with your decision to go back home and disappear from his life. At that point you'll know that he'll be nothing more than trouble for you in the future.

If it turns out to be just a very bad case of cold feet that disappears after he sees you, then I wish you every happiness in the future and I hope this crisis brings you closer together and makes you stronger in your marriage.

Let us know how things turn out.

[inloveVEN 46]

hi

this is so so sad, but at the end of the day is was better that this happen before to move to a foreign country, get marry and suddenly realize that you dont have anything.

this would be the real nightmare

hope you will recover soon from this feeling and go back to your life

[Fandango 1,439]

I echo the others who say this sounds like more than just 'cold feet'. He's involved a 3rd person. Here you are, packing up your life, willing to walk away from everything you've built thus far, and he's pining over some stranger. Meanwhile, let's get into that for a second? She's a stranger, yet he's 'getting to know her'...he also has her phone number. Sounds like he went on a date of sorts. Personally, I'd rather have my man cheat physically than emotionally, which it sounds like he already has. One date (or whatever we can call it), and he's questioning if *she's* the one? Sounds to me like there's something else there, other than just another 'pretty face'.

However, saying that...I think you should go. I think you should sort this out face to face. But I also think you need to be prepared to come home and resume the life you've built.

And remember:

if he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I don't agree that involving a 3rd person means he's thinking of cheating. I think he's met a nice girl and he started comparing her to you (which he should never do but he did). Then he started to think "what if this person is better for me?". It's not a crime. I just think he wondered innocently, and then it snowballed in his head. (like when you think you hear a scary noise when you're walking to your car and start to imagine scary things and then you run to your car quickly even though you know there's nothing there you have a moment of panic).

I honestly just think he's freaking out. My husband (then fiance) was SO happy for us to finally be together and i was too, but part of me was thinking about how huge a change this was going to be. Wondering if I was making the right decision.. just generally just worried. Once I arrived those feelings went away. It was still a little bit scary but I worked through it and now we've been married a year and I don't regret the marriage at all... I do regret a few things (like taking so long to get a drivers licence) but being with Tony makes me happy, even when I'm sad and missing home.

I definitely think going over and giving it a go is the best idea. Yeah it's embarrassing if things don't work out but the "what if's" would scare me more and it takes a great deal of strength to do it rather than give up. It's not something you should be embarrassed about. You gave it a go, it didn't work... or it does work and that's the best ending

[crissy ♥ 0]

you make me more proud to be a filipino with your strong personality and positive outlook in life....

carry on !!!! we move forward no matter what....

i hope and pray for the very best for you......

i salute you !!!!

hi....

i like the ABC's of prayer.....

thanks for sharing......

hi! no problem May God bless us all!

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

I'm with the people who say get on the plane and figure it out face to face. Maybe he's just lonely, and chatting/flirting with a female in person was kinda fun instead of talking long distance about visa worries, visa hassles, and wedding details ad nauseum. And with the big wedding coming up he's nervous as the others have said. Then he questions everything because he enjoyed female company.

So go be the adorable woman you are, that he fell in love with. It will be really hard, but try to go on some dates and have some fun rather than being too hysterical or demanding immediately. There's a lot of serious business to get to, but try to re-connect a little first.

[idaho1 1]

okay , here's the deal,come to the USA if you BOTH want this, Make arrangements to stay someplace that works for BOTH of you,Would not hurt to have a back up place to stay. He should pay for everything , if able. Use the 90 days to see what you BOTH want. Do not get physical. That could be a bad irreversible mistake. Get a round trip ticket instead of a 1 way .It,s usually cheaper anyway. If it works out great !! If not go home and restart your life. You are young and have plenty of time. Either way this will be a small bump in your life 20 years from now.

I've learned a lot in life and the most important things are happiness and health. Do what ever it takes to have both !