HELP! He suddenly has the worst pre-wedding cold feet and we're falling apart!!!

[Hurting Bad 14]

This is definitely the worst nightmare of my life. I am really saddened and I've been crying the whole afternoon.

I have a K1 visa and I'm supposed to fly in 3 days. The wedding is supposed to be on Dec. 5. My fiance and I have been very much in love and happy as a couple. That is, BEFORE TODAY. Everything was perfect. Guests are ready for the wedding. My relatives in the US have booked their flights and hotels. Everyday, he's been telling me he loves me.

But then today, 2 weeks before the wedding and 3 days before I leave, he told me that he's so nervous and anxious about the wedding, and he is no longer sure if he wants to get married. And he is not sure IF I'm really THE ONE. He was never like this after we filed the K1 application. Last night, he even texted me that he's excited to hold me again, and the whole of his Saturday was spent cleaning his condo for my arrival. And then when we talked about cold feet, that's when he fell apart. Both of us have never been married before, we're both from a good family and good educational background, we have the same profession, we don't have kids, and we've never been engaged to anyone before. We're both turning 31 this January, we even have the same date and we were born on the same year :-( I used to think we were soulmates who were both really in love, until today. Well, I still love him dearly, but I don't know about him anymore :-( And that's what scares me.

The story began with me asking about his concern, and he started off saying that he's been asking himself if I'm really the one. And then I asked him if he could see himself being with someone else. It took him a while to reply, which was odd. So I asked him if there's indeed someone else. He said there's this girl whom he met in Sept but they just said hi, and then he met her again last week, and that was the time when they got to know each other. That's when he started being attracted to her. He was surprised, too, because he's never been like that to anyone since we were a couple. So he was wondering why all of a sudden, he felt that way for someone he barely knew! I could tell that he's been faithful and honest to me so far. He said they haven't had sex and never kissed and he hasn't really pursued her. But he told me today that he was wondering, what if they work out, who's really the one for him, me or her? So I asked him if he really wanted to pursue a relationship with her, and he said he's not planning to, and he'll never know if they'll get along well, anyway. But at some other points of the conversation, he would still mention her. As I'm the one who would rather know things rather than forever wonder, I asked him to call her and tell her about it, and he did, and she felt bad that it was happening to us, and he said that he made her cry because she felt sorry for us that we're having a problem coz she's in the way. The end of the story is that my fiance ended up telling me that he's really not interested in pursuing her, he doesn't want to start all over again, and in fact, the problem is NOT the girl, but that he's just not sure if he is ready to get married in two weeks.

We've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now, and he came to see me twice, for a total of 42 days. Both visits were perfect! Even up to today, what he's been telling he is that we have perfect time together, we can accomplish so many things together. He kept on telling me that he loves me so much, but he's just scared to find out what will happen WHEN I already get there in 3 days and get married in 2 weeks and live our lives together forever. He said that we haven't really been together that long physically.

I asked him if he still wants me to go there as planned. At first he was hesitant while he was thinking of a response. And I added that if we do not see each other and my visa expires on Jan. 6, I will never get back with him nor apply for another K1 again -- it's just too much heartache, humiliation, and wasted time, I think. It's either he wants me or he doesn't. Then he kept on telling me that that would devastate him if he loses me. He just needed time to be physically with me. BUT here's the catch: he said that if I go there as planned, he cannot promise that he will marry me within the 90-day period of my K1. Which means that I might go back double-brokenhearted sooner or later, if things really don't work out, and I assume he meant that if he still didn't marry me, I would still continue my relationship with him until he is ready to get married. As of now, I think this is b.s., but you'll never know how some stupid love will make you decide later on.

I love him so much and I'm willing to forgive him for his grave flaws. We don't have major problems other than his fickle-mindedness. We broke up twice in our relationship because he felt like he made a mistake in proposing to me, and then the next day after I broke up with him, he ended up begging me to forgive him. This time, I am the one who's scared of losing him. I don't know what's out there. It's different now because I am fully set to get married. I love him so much.

Tomorrow, we will talk again about this issue, but before that, we will talk to our parents, especially about the wedding. He is not ready to get married, and of course I also wouldn't want to get married yet if he's feeling like that. My mother and his mother also agreed (before today) that I will be staying with his mother before the Dec. 5 wedding. It's a culture thing. But reality dawned on me, what if it takes a long time before we get married, I'd have to live with his mother, and they both work at the office, and I might end up perhaps half-crazy and half-depressed. I have a perfect family here in the Philippines, employable, and very talented, and I gave up everything just to be with someone who's not even sure if he wants to marry me.

What do you think? Am I right or am I stupid in still wanting to give this a shot? What is happening to my fiance? Is this forgivable? Is this common? If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Thanks in advance for your replies.

[Hurting Bad 14]

P.S. We both understand that the K1 is supposed to be followed by a wedding. What happened to us was unexpected and unfortunate. We know that if we don't get married within 90 days, I will have to return to my country.

[carolynhotstuff 252]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have both been through so much to get the visa and now he appears to be backing out. You are doing the right thing to think this out very carefully.

How long has it been sense you last saw each other in person? That could have something to do with his cold feet. I would go meet with him in person and try to work this out. I wouldn't try to force him or beg him to marry me if I were you. That would only make him resent you.

If he decides that he really doesn't want to marry you I would fly back home and move on with my life. I would forget about him and find someone else. People can play with your feelings and have you hanging on for years with the promise that someday they might marry you.

I know you love this man with all your heart. If he is not going to marry you, he should tell you face to face. You deserve that.

[crissy ♥ 0]

I can just imagine how painful it is for you... Do what's best for both of you. Give things a try, be positive enough that you will be able to work things out. Since the other party is weak, be the stonger one. Don't dwell on the negative side or what will happen next, deal with the present, whatever will be the outcome, at least you've done your part and you gave your best, no regrets in the end. Don't forget to pray for strength and guidance. I know things won't be easy but keep the faith. May God bless you both.

[joenlemy 2]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. The journey to get to this point and now cold feet. Your right for not wanting to give up on someone you love. It's not uncommon to have cold feet. A positive is he is being honest with you before you board the plane. Your talking about it, yet only over the phone.

I have to agree with Carolyn about talking about it face to face. you do deserve that much.

You say your visa expires jan 6. have you considered postponing traveling ? This might give the 2 of you more time to talk. And maybe give him a different look on how you feel about this.Your already in a lot of pain. traveling and waiting 90 days for him to make a decision would not be healthy for you at all.90 days in limbo. Now your surrounded by family ,and friends.

He says he does not want to lose you. he needs to step up to the plate and make a decision. I hope he realizes the pain he is causing you.

Best of luck to you. whatever you decide to do it should be what is best for YOU

[HEART 2010 2]

Sorry to hear that, it was a nightmare, i do hope it's just that but i think you should talk face to face, you've been waiting this for long... you don't have to stay there for 90 days if things are unsure, fly back and start again with your own. At least you will try to settle these "journey of love" Good luck, and wish you well. Can i say "have a safe trip?" HAVE FAITH, GOD BLESS YOU!

[Hurting Bad 14]

Thank you for your insights! I thought of postponing my flight, but I dismissed it, because it will prolong the agony of not knowing. The last time we were together was in April. We were as happy as a couple made in heaven and we were both in tears when we parted ways again.

Yes, as of now, the plan is to go there and see him and help him realize how much we love (or used to love) each other. If he still decides to not marry me, then yes, I will go home and move on with my life. I also said that if we do not get married before my visa expires, he loses me forever, and he said he doesn't like that ultimatum. I told him that, as much as I love him, I can't wait on him forever and hurt me again and again.

Some very important people in my life have already called me for comfort, too, and they all agree with my plan, too -- to go there, then go home if it doesn't work out, and not go back with him ever again.

It's just so weird. I'm totally caught offguard. Last night he was just telling me he is excited to hold me again :-( But as of now, no matter how much I'm hurting, I feel positive that once I arrive there on the 24th, things will be different than now, if not too much, then a little difference would matter a lot already. I always remember how happy he was when he was with me.

Yes, I definitely need to stay strong for him and for us.

Again, thank you for your helpful responses.

[Rap & Bhabes 1]

wat a sad situation u have...:-( but if i were in your shoes, i know its really hard and hurting but i guess u have to give it a try. U said u love him so much, well loving someone is really a gamble if ur not gonna play with it u have really nothing to do... u have to risks atleast and give ur best girl, u would might tell to ur self u fight until the end.... but u have to accept the result of the game wether u win or lose... than doing nothing at all....

[crissy ♥ 0]

Thank you for your insights! I thought of postponing my flight, but I dismissed it, because it will prolong the agony of not knowing. The last time we were together was in April. We were as happy as a couple made in heaven and we were both in tears when we parted ways again.

Yes, as of now, the plan is to go there and see him and help him realize how much we love (or used to love) each other. If he still decides to not marry me, then yes, I will go home and move on with my life. I also said that if we do not get married before my visa expires, he loses me forever, and he said he doesn't like that ultimatum. I told him that, as much as I love him, I can't wait on him forever and hurt me again and again.

Some very important people in my life have already called me for comfort, too, and they all agree with my plan, too -- to go there, then go home if it doesn't work out, and not go back with him ever again.

It's just so weird. I'm totally caught offguard. Last night he was just telling me he is excited to hold me again :-( But as of now, no matter how much I'm hurting, I feel positive that once I arrive there on the 24th, things will be different than now, if not too much, then a little difference would matter a lot already. I always remember how happy he was when he was with me.

Yes, I definitely need to stay strong for him and for us.

Again, thank you for your helpful responses.

Go for it! One of the vj member once told me the ABC's of prayer -- Aim. Believe. Claim! Wish you all the best! Take care!

[th and jv 3]

Thank you for your insights! I thought of postponing my flight, but I dismissed it, because it will prolong the agony of not knowing. The last time we were together was in April. We were as happy as a couple made in heaven and we were both in tears when we parted ways again.

Yes, as of now, the plan is to go there and see him and help him realize how much we love (or used to love) each other. If he still decides to not marry me, then yes, I will go home and move on with my life. I also said that if we do not get married before my visa expires, he loses me forever, and he said he doesn't like that ultimatum. I told him that, as much as I love him, I can't wait on him forever and hurt me again and again.

Some very important people in my life have already called me for comfort, too, and they all agree with my plan, too -- to go there, then go home if it doesn't work out, and not go back with him ever again.

It's just so weird. I'm totally caught offguard. Last night he was just telling me he is excited to hold me again :-( But as of now, no matter how much I'm hurting, I feel positive that once I arrive there on the 24th, things will be different than now, if not too much, then a little difference would matter a lot already. I always remember how happy he was when he was with me.

Yes, I definitely need to stay strong for him and for us.

Again, thank you for your helpful responses.

you make me more proud to be a filipino with your strong personality and positive outlook in life....

carry on !!!! we move forward no matter what....

i hope and pray for the very best for you......

i salute you !!!!

Go for it! One of the vj member once told me the ABC's of prayer -- Aim. Believe. Claim! Wish you all the best! Take care!

hi....

i like the ABC's of prayer.....

thanks for sharing......

[Gemmie 142]

I was the one who had cold feet just a few months before I was supposed to fly to the US on the K1. It was driving me crazy, not knowing if I was doing the right thing, especially with the cynicism of my closest family. He flew out to see me the following week (luckily his job let him do that) and we spent two months together. Being together made my fears go away and I think, looking back, I was just frightened of the huge life changes on my part and getting cold feet. I did go through with the move, and now we're married and happy together.

It might not work that way for you, I'm just saying that sometimes people get cold feet but it's not necessarily because it's not 'meant to be'. I also know someone that had her fiancee coming on the K1, and a few days before he was supposed to fly over, he confessed he had cold feet and didn't go through with the medical or interview, and had lied about it. She was heartbroken, but in hindsight, they weren't supposed to be together as they had different views of the relationship.

If I were in your shoes, I would go over and give it a shot. You say you love him, but he seems confused, and being together might confirm whether he wants to get married or not. I think he's actually being smart about this. He's not jumping into something without being sure, but is willing to give it more time if he doesn't want to get married right now. The question is, are you? You need to think about that too - what happens if he wants to give it more time?

Edited November 21, 2010 by Gemmie

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

The OP states the relationship has suffered at least twice prior to this incident. So this does not seem like the average case of cold feet to me.

It seems the two families know each other. What part does that play in this situation? It seems like there is something cultural going on.

And I've got news for both the OP and her fiance. Marriage is supposed to last a long time. In that time, you both meet other people who are either attracted to you or to whom you are attracted. It's starry-eyed nonsense to believe that over the course of a lifetime you will only have desire for your partner. But a man (or woman for that matter) who is not mature enough to put their devotion to their spouse over those little fatal attractions will not make a good partner. My initial reaction to the OP's story is that her fiance's ego is so weak that he will (over the course of time) betray their marriage for the attractions of other women. Frankly, having only spent 42 days together, I doubt she knows him well enough to supply the answer. I truly hope he's not the type who wants a woman he can always return to while he dallies with others. Even though this relationship is two years old, it has been fractured by breakups in the past. OP, there are people out there who want a relationship but don't have the nature to keep up their end of the bargain.

I would only urge the OP to come over to the US if she can easily pick up her career and life in case she returns.

[sachinky 465]

The OP states the relationship has suffered at least twice prior to this incident. So this does not seem like the average case of cold feet to me.

It seems the two families know each other. What part does that play in this situation? It seems like there is something cultural going on.

And I've got news for both the OP and her fiance. Marriage is supposed to last a long time. In that time, you both meet other people who are either attracted to you or to whom you are attracted. It's starry-eyed nonsense to believe that over the course of a lifetime you will only have desire for your partner. But a man (or woman for that matter) who is not mature enough to put their devotion to their spouse over those little fatal attractions will not make a good partner. My initial reaction to the OP's story is that her fiance's ego is so weak that he will (over the course of time) betray their marriage for the attractions of other women. Frankly, having only spent 42 days together, I doubt she knows him well enough to supply the answer. I truly hope he's not the type who wants a woman he can always return to while he dallies with others. Even though this relationship is two years old, it has been fractured by breakups in the past. OP, there are people out there who want a relationship but don't have the nature to keep up their end of the bargain.

I would only urge the OP to come over to the US if she can easily pick up her career and life in case she returns.

Spot on! +1 -- I completely agree with JQ, especially the last line.

Edited November 21, 2010 by sachinky

[Fandango 1,439]

Spot on! +1 -- I completely agree with JQ, especially the last line.

me too.

Good luck OP...you're in a heartbreaking situation

[tru_loves_journey 117]

To say i'm sorry isn't enough, But i am sorry to hear this. From where i'm looking at this situation I see during this relationship your fiance has been living a double life. You see him one way and his secrets have him being another person you have never known. I think before you make this life change you need to get on the phone and have him decide if he wants marriage or not. This isn't a game and he gets to pick what's best for him, this is about your life as well, about you giving up happiness and your home to walk into a world of deceit. If you have family here have one you trust hire a Private Detective, let them see what he is hiding.It only takes a few days and nights for those people to find the truth. Trust your gut feeling....I'm a stranger, and I see someone don't change their mind so close to getting married unless something weird is going on in their life, that they have been covering up something all alone....I wish "YOU" the very best in whatever you choose