Lazy husband

[Nonamus 0]

My husband has been here six years. I helped him find a job when he first arrived. He worked there one year and was unhappy, so he quit. He won't look for another job. I've brought home applications, told him about openings, offered to send him to school, tried to help him start a business. Nothing is working. I told him last month that he needs to look for something or else I will throw him out. He says that yes, he knows he needs to get a job. Still, he does nothing. He spends his days online, his nights out with friends. I'm at a loss at what to do.

[jkelly07 120]

is this about immigration or family issues,

[nab 74]

My husband has been here six years. I helped him find a job when he first arrived. He worked there one year and was unhappy, so he quit. He won't look for another job. I've brought home applications, told him about openings, offered to send him to school, tried to help him start a business. Nothing is working. I told him last month that he needs to look for something or else I will throw him out. He says that yes, he knows he needs to get a job. Still, he does nothing. He spends his days online, his nights out with friends. I'm at a loss at what to do.

well you made him like he is so deal with what you have created

why was ok for him to sit for 5yrs and not ok now ... is it getting close to that 7yr itch creeping in?

[A&N Always 0]

is this about immigration or family issues,

LOL, seriously!

[RICARDO4EVA2 194]

LOL, seriously!

.. then some will get like that ..

[RICARDO4EVA2 194]

My husband has been here six years. I helped him find a job when he first arrived. He worked there one year and was unhappy, so he quit. He won't look for another job. I've brought home applications, told him about openings, offered to send him to school, tried to help him start a business. Nothing is working. I told him last month that he needs to look for something or else I will throw him out. He says that yes, he knows he needs to get a job. Still, he does nothing. He spends his days online, his nights out with friends. I'm at a loss at what to do.

the end result seem that it will do one of probebly 3 things or more...

- wake up call and go find a job

- cause a burn to you since he's spending (eletric, food etc) and no income

- cause the marriage to fail if you sind your self struggling and get put out because of him...

dont be dragged out/down... you have motivated him enough just bad you didndt see it comming... hope he was working when u picked him up and took him here.

[JoannaV 174]

He could be depressed. Or not. He might feel inadequate. Or he might be lazy.

If he spends money when he goes out at night with his friends, then you might need to cut the purse strings.

I don't really have any advice, but I hope it works out.

[canadian_wife 1,823]

I too am a little confused. If this behaviour has been going on for 5 years, why is it now suddenly an issue? He's become used to this lifestyle and suddenly you'd like to change it...why?

I agree with Joanna - is he depressed? Are there some other issues under there?

You need to get control of the situation. Have a talk with your husband and agree on a timeline of when he needs to find a job. Then discuss what will happen if he doesn't. Futher, discuss his spending money and nights out with friends. Figure out a solution and work towards it

Good luck

[john_and_marlene 162]

www.drphil.com

[desert_fox 32]

You should have posted this 5 years ago.

I vote for throwing him out.

[Nonamus 0]

Yes, he was working when in Morocco.

The deal we had when he quit his job was that he would work on the house. He has done some, but doesn't finish anything

His English is excellent; he went to class here to improve

I make about 10 times what he made the year he did work; I know that bothers some men.

I haven't just sat around for five years; i've been trying to help him to try. Sometimes, I back off thinking that my nagging is hurting more than helping.

He has all kinds of "plans"' but doesn't carry through

I think that I will try the specific date suggestion. If I have him choose the date, he can't say much if he misses it.

[KittyPollitt 284]

Throw his #### out. Give him a date that he will either have a job, or come home after hanging with his friends to find all his ####### outside. And stick to it. You can't coddle these Moroccan men.. They got enough of that from their mothers. LOL my Moroccan husband is sitting next to me and gave me the look.. But I'm serious.. Don't tolerate this kind of insult.

Edited November 19, 2010 by squeaky580

[nab 74]

Yes, he was working when in Morocco.

The deal we had when he quit his job was that he would work on the house. He has done some, but doesn't finish anything

His English is excellent; he went to class here to improve

I make about 10 times what he made the year he did work; I know that bothers some men.

I haven't just sat around for five years; i've been trying to help him to try. Sometimes, I back off thinking that my nagging is hurting more than helping.

He has all kinds of "plans"' but doesn't carry through

I think that I will try the specific date suggestion. If I have him choose the date, he can't say much if he misses it.

ok i'm not going to flippant this time in case this is legit. these are all things you need to sit down WITH him, go over and DISCUSS. you are not his mother so do not nag, you are not his child so do not beg or whine for things... you are his WIFE and as such you need to treat him as a man in the home. you are equal but different. you are correct that nagging will hurt more than help. but to "back off" and ignore a situation is just as bad.

get a binder and notebook.... you need to get organized

#1 - make a honey-do list for the unfinished projects. obviously he knows these things need done, he worked on them. find out why the work stopped (lack of money? job was too large for one person? or too dangerous for unexperienced?) address the issue and go about fixing the problems holding up the projects (hire a professional or get a family member to come help or save the money to buy the materials).

for the jobs that CAN be completed... make a list, or put them on pieces of paper and put in a jar which he will select one at a time and work on that job till it is complete. or some other method that the two of you come up with that will work for you two.

do you also do home projects? or do you help him with them? (just curious)

#2 - as far as 'you make 10x what he made while working' perhaps he doesnt feel the need to work if you remind him of this. obviously money isnt an issue if for 5yrs he hasnt worked so perhaps he should look for a volunteer position to hone his skills (out of job market for 5yrs) and bring his resume/CV back up to date. it will get him out of the home in a good way (working, rather than going out at night to party) and bring his self-esteem up a little as well if he is feeling depressed.

with the economy the way it is, trying to send him out to find a job now (5yrs out of the job market) would be quite ruthless and is a recipe for disaster. if money is an issue, have you considered a home-based business of some type? are his skills marketable on the internet? try temp agencies who might be able to get him a temp job into a company who wouldn't normally give him a chance otehrwise. exhaust all options.

#3 - make goals. daily, week, month, year, and even 5yr.

what does he (and you) want to accomplish in these time periods

what does he (and you) need to do to meet these goals

#4 - begin treating each other like you are newlyweds again.

look for the good things in each other, not the faults.

do nice little things for each other EVERY day.

treat each other kindly

[Lisamarie 79]

That was great advice that you gave her

ok i'm not going to flippant this time in case this is legit. these are all things you need to sit down WITH him, go over and DISCUSS. you are not his mother so do not nag, you are not his child so do not beg or whine for things... you are his WIFE and as such you need to treat him as a man in the home. you are equal but different. you are correct that nagging will hurt more than help. but to "back off" and ignore a situation is just as bad.

get a binder and notebook.... you need to get organized

#1 - make a honey-do list for the unfinished projects. obviously he knows these things need done, he worked on them. find out why the work stopped (lack of money? job was too large for one person? or too dangerous for unexperienced?) address the issue and go about fixing the problems holding up the projects (hire a professional or get a family member to come help or save the money to buy the materials).

for the jobs that CAN be completed... make a list, or put them on pieces of paper and put in a jar which he will select one at a time and work on that job till it is complete. or some other method that the two of you come up with that will work for you two.

do you also do home projects? or do you help him with them? (just curious)

#2 - as far as 'you make 10x what he made while working' perhaps he doesnt feel the need to work if you remind him of this. obviously money isnt an issue if for 5yrs he hasnt worked so perhaps he should look for a volunteer position to hone his skills (out of job market for 5yrs) and bring his resume/CV back up to date. it will get him out of the home in a good way (working, rather than going out at night to party) and bring his self-esteem up a little as well if he is feeling depressed.

with the economy the way it is, trying to send him out to find a job now (5yrs out of the job market) would be quite ruthless and is a recipe for disaster. if money is an issue, have you considered a home-based business of some type? are his skills marketable on the internet? try temp agencies who might be able to get him a temp job into a company who wouldn't normally give him a chance otehrwise. exhaust all options.

#3 - make goals. daily, week, month, year, and even 5yr.

what does he (and you) want to accomplish in these time periods

what does he (and you) need to do to meet these goals

#4 - begin treating each other like you are newlyweds again.

look for the good things in each other, not the faults.

do nice little things for each other EVERY day.

treat each other kindly

[DarlingNikki 7]

ok i'm not going to flippant this time in case this is legit. these are all things you need to sit down WITH him, go over and DISCUSS. you are not his mother so do not nag, you are not his child so do not beg or whine for things... you are his WIFE and as such you need to treat him as a man in the home. you are equal but different. you are correct that nagging will hurt more than help. but to "back off" and ignore a situation is just as bad.

get a binder and notebook.... you need to get organized

#1 - make a honey-do list for the unfinished projects. obviously he knows these things need done, he worked on them. find out why the work stopped (lack of money? job was too large for one person? or too dangerous for unexperienced?) address the issue and go about fixing the problems holding up the projects (hire a professional or get a family member to come help or save the money to buy the materials).

for the jobs that CAN be completed... make a list, or put them on pieces of paper and put in a jar which he will select one at a time and work on that job till it is complete. or some other method that the two of you come up with that will work for you two.

do you also do home projects? or do you help him with them? (just curious)

#2 - as far as 'you make 10x what he made while working' perhaps he doesnt feel the need to work if you remind him of this. obviously money isnt an issue if for 5yrs he hasnt worked so perhaps he should look for a volunteer position to hone his skills (out of job market for 5yrs) and bring his resume/CV back up to date. it will get him out of the home in a good way (working, rather than going out at night to party) and bring his self-esteem up a little as well if he is feeling depressed.

with the economy the way it is, trying to send him out to find a job now (5yrs out of the job market) would be quite ruthless and is a recipe for disaster. if money is an issue, have you considered a home-based business of some type? are his skills marketable on the internet? try temp agencies who might be able to get him a temp job into a company who wouldn't normally give him a chance otehrwise. exhaust all options.

#3 - make goals. daily, week, month, year, and even 5yr.

what does he (and you) want to accomplish in these time periods

what does he (and you) need to do to meet these goals

#4 - begin treating each other like you are newlyweds again.

look for the good things in each other, not the faults.

do nice little things for each other EVERY day.

treat each other kindly

Way to go nab! Great points here. Good luck op.