Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice

[marklovetina 52]

You can forgive her without continuing the relationship.

Anna & I have had difficult times during her first year here (Nov 25 will be 1 year exactly) but not once did she contact another man or entertain sexual anything with someone else. Her reaction was to return home to the Philippines, thankfully she always calmed down and it never got to that point.

Filipinas and Kanos do have very different communications styles but running to the arms of another man is much more than differing styles of conflict resolution.

It took a while before Anna would actually discuss what was bothering her but she did come around.

@bob: that is bcoz she loves u, she is a good woman and decent, no bad intention, that she is still adjusting that is understandable...

but wife of the OP has a problem with attitude, even she is well educated but she has no difference with other pinay who offer flesh on cam or not, dont know how to value a good and healthy relationship... dont know how to value a good and responsible man... OP is correct, its not his loss but her... i cant advice the OP to forgive and forget right now... but yeah forgiving and forget is right... but a normal people takes time to heal and on the right time then for sure he can forgive and forget what his wife did to him....

but not to continue the relationship with her... and give her the proper punishment that she truly deserve so she will learn her lesson....

jrmejia, on 17 November 2010 - 06:48 AM, said:

In my opinion, I think there was love. Hey I can be wrong about it. But who knows.

WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!! PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!! :bonk:

@jrmejia: if u think that on this case there is love then no wonder why u are doubt with ur gf right now.. about ur situation... why ur not sure with ur gf.... but anyways if u cant wake up on ur situation its ok for us... that's ur life, if u are tolerating it then GO!, u got good advices in ur threads and if u will continue ur relationship with ur gf then deal with her, and the possible problems that u will have with her...

u should be sure what is love, the fullest deep meaning of it...

Edited November 17, 2010 by godsgift

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

In my opinion, I think there was love. Hey I can be wrong about it. But who knows.

Then again you're also in a situation that has so many reg flags the confusion would kill a bull!

Seriously, you have pretty much said that if you bring yours here and it turns out that she was just in it for the Green Card then you'd be okay with that because you love her so much and it's worth the chance that she might grow (learn) to love you back.

SEX does not equal LOVE. If you can't trust someone 1,000% then you can't love that person regardless of what you say.

Even when we don't see eye to eye, I trust Anna with my life.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

@bob: that is bcoz she loves u, she is a good woman and decent, no bad intention, that she is still adjusting that is understandable...

but wife of the OP has a problem with attitude, even she is well educated and she has no difference with other pinay who offer flesh on cam or not, dont know how to value a good and healthy relationship... dont know how to value a good and responsible man... OP is correct, its not his loss but her... i cant advice the OP to forgive and forget right now... but yeah forgiving and forget is right... but a normal people takes time to heal and on the right time then for sure he can forgive and forget what his wife did to him....

but not to continue the relationship with her... and give her the proper punishment that she truly deserve so she will learn her lesson....

Yep, I agree 100% with you. Saddened can't punish her for her deeds and shouldn't look at it like that, revenge for for sad weak people. What he needs to do is take care of himself which in cases like this usually means to separate from the person using/hurting him.

She creates her own punishment by losing something good in her life.

BTW, whilst I embrace forgiveness I am a firm believer in never forgetting lest you lose the lesson.

[marklovetina 52]

Then again you're also in a situation that has so many reg flags the confusion would kill a bull!

Seriously, you have pretty much said that if you bring yours here and it turns out that she was just in it for the Green Card then you'd be okay with that because you love her so much and it's worth the chance that she might grow (learn) to love you back.

SEX does not equal LOVE. If you can't trust someone 1,000% then you can't love that person regardless of what you say.

Even when we don't see eye to eye, I trust Anna with my life.

:thumbs:

[jrmejia 31]

Then again you're also in a situation that has so many reg flags the confusion would kill a bull!

Seriously, you have pretty much said that if you bring yours here and it turns out that she was just in it for the Green Card then you'd be okay with that because you love her so much and it's worth the chance that she might grow (learn) to love you back.

SEX does not equal LOVE. If you can't trust someone 1,000% then you can't love that person regardless of what you say.

Even when we don't see eye to eye, I trust Anna with my life.

By the way, I never used the word SEX. I said I love her very much and who knows. Maybe I am

exaggerating about her. We are doing very well lately.

But I still believe he should give her a second chance but with his EYES WIDE open. My 2 cents.

[TravellingNomad 12]

wow...just read through the whole thread. and when i was reading at what a super cool and nice guy OP is...there was a split second that i felt a gay moment

but in all seriousness though...OP, your wife (or soon to be ex-wife) just let the best guy she's ever gonna be with slip through her fingers. because from here on out, after everything you were willing to do for her, she will never find another man as good to her as you! i hope you don't lose faith in my filipina kababayans in general. because for every 1 bad filipina, there are thousands that will give you the love and respect you truly deserve...just as much as the love and respect you will give to her. granted this experience left a really bad taste in your mouth, i hope you don't cut out the propestive good catches out there as well.

if you decide to take a chance to have a happy marriage and life with another filipina, my suggestion....since you know some filipinos/filipinas in your area and are friends with them, maybe you can send out feelers to them about possibly trying to start up another relationship with another filipina. maybe they can set you up with their other filipina friends. of course when you are ready.

but keep taking the high road my friend. don't let this experience get you down. there's a lady out there that is meant for you and is deserving of your love and care.

Edited November 17, 2010 by TravellingNomad

[Gumbolette 58]

I am sorry about this very depressing revelation. There was one person(cheating story)here in VJ who was 90% alike of what had happen with you and he was very decisive on his actions to send her wife back to the Philippines,and I would like to see you do the right thing. SEND HER BACK HOME. A cheater will always be a cheater.

Save your save from more heartaches. Don't adjust her status, buy her the one way ticket and personally escort her at the airport and really watch her step into the plane.

[Mike&Cherry 45]

Then again you're also in a situation that has so many reg flags the confusion would kill a bull!

Seriously, you have pretty much said that if you bring yours here and it turns out that she was just in it for the Green Card then you'd be okay with that because you love her so much and it's worth the chance that she might grow (learn) to love you back.

SEX does not equal LOVE. If you can't trust someone 1,000% then you can't love that person regardless of what you say.

Even when we don't see eye to eye, I trust Anna with my life.

Well I think we can all predict that jrmejia will be much worse off when his fiance/spouse ever comes to the US. I've seen his other threads and posts; absolutely ridiculous. I hope he doesn't create a new thread when this inevitable moment happens. He can't see the red flags because he is color blind. Now he is here on this thread giving the worst advice and input. It's difficult to tolerate him putting in his counterfit 2 cents.

[Mike&Cherry 45]

To the OP Saddenednow, I really do wish you the best and that you make the right choice. What happened to you is one of the worst fears anyone can have when dealing with relationships that cross international borders. You need to get out of this nightmare and find and follow your dreams. I know your in a difficult situation right now, but once all is resolved don't give up on your dreams for discovering true love. It's out there for sure, you just have to keep searching.

[Kevin- 13]

While I have stated support for and still do support forgiveness and even reconciliation, you still have to be extremely careful. It seems you're doing that. But if you continue to consider reconciliation, you'll have to use a level of caution that might be beyond your (and most folks') capability. Since you are often at work, you won't have the ability to monitor her behavior. I'd say she could do without any contact with the Philippines for a good long time. Not as punishment, but as precaution. It could be hard to do that since you're not home though. You could make sure she doesn't have direct access to the money, and sever her ability to call and text overseas as well. Disable the computer when you're not home (BIOS password). Even with all that, you'll have to take quite a leap of faith in trusting her again.

As somebody else said, go forward with reporting everything, because it's very possible it's still all a scam. If you report things now, it helps prevent a VAWA problem if she goes that route.

To everyone in the know: Is it possible for him to go forward with reporting and still be allowed the possibility for reconciliation? For example, can he report this now, decide to reconcile, and then if it does turn out to still be a scam, still ship her back (and ensure she can't do this again) later?

[jrmejia 31]

I just wish the OP the best of the best. Don't make any decision(s) while upset. Cool off, talk to her and miracle can happen. Love can move mountains. My 2 cents.

[marklovetina 52]

By the way, I never used the word SEX. I said I love her very much and who knows. Maybe I am

exaggerating about her. We are doing very well lately.

But I still believe he should give her a second chance but with his EYES WIDE open. My 2 cents.

if saddened will do that, ur stuff giving a chance then i tell u, he is a crazy man!!!

cheating another is a different side... than having problem with money matter, or have difficulties on adjustments or family matter... when u cheat ur half it means the love, respect and trust are gone... what is LOVE when it was lost?

ok as what i observe on ur advices here no wonder if ur gf now will cheat on u too in the future... and u, u will give her another chance with wide arms open...

[Maxx121 14]

My first wife cheated on me many times and my eyes were closed to it, even after i found out and she repented and was born again (which didnt last long) she cheated again and we both realized we werent ready to be married to one another. Had i listed to advice given to me i wouldnt have gotten married inthe first place.

You have to love with your heart and your head.

The extremes that you will go to to ensure that she is being faithful will take you to your limits and push her away from you. If she is being faithful you wont be sure and because you are not sure she will eventually resent you for keeping the reigns around her neck. And you will never be able to trust her to go home alone, trust me i been there.

By trying to work it out with her, you will probably be validating a marriage that was started for the purpose of bringing another here. and by the time its over she will probably do just that, unless he decides to be with someone else. In which case she may just resign herself to stay with you. when you are courting someone you love you hope they will return your love, you shouldnt have to hope that your wife will return it. If you can deal with that then get ready for the ride. Ive been on it and didnt enjoy it, i doubt you will either.

But who knows, maybe yours will turn out different. Thats what i thought back then.

A house built on a poor foundation is bound to fall if the wind blows a bit to hard.

[Fandango 1,439]

While I have stated support for and still do support forgiveness and even reconciliation, you still have to be extremely careful. It seems you're doing that. But if you continue to consider reconciliation, you'll have to use a level of caution that might be beyond your (and most folks') capability. Since you are often at work, you won't have the ability to monitor her behavior. I'd say she could do without any contact with the Philippines for a good long time. Not as punishment, but as precaution. It could be hard to do that since you're not home though. You could make sure she doesn't have direct access to the money, and sever her ability to call and text overseas as well. Disable the computer when you're not home (BIOS password). Even with all that, you'll have to take quite a leap of faith in trusting her again.

That's not forgiveness...that's taking a prisoner.

OP you need to cut your losses and send her home..

[jrmejia 31]

I don't think she cheated on him. All he gave us were CHATLOGs stating she was chatting with her x bf. Maybe she likes to chat and flirt with guys on the net. She is lonely. What do we expect? Well, maybe that is wrong but not horrible. My 2 cents again.