Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice

[one...two...tree 2,762]

We have different views to things. I am entitled to mine as you are entitled to yours. He was asking for advice or opinions and those were my take. Even I myself can say that it is very hard to do but I said a big BUT there. I know what the girl did is very stupid. But there's nothing wrong also if both parties will talk about it. Your instinct will tell you if someone is sincere or not. But then, there's no time to prove who is right or wrong here. What the OP needs is help. In the long way, his decision will stand. So, all I could offer for now is to pray for him and her that they may be guided to whatever outcomes this may lead.

Opinions are what they are, but I think there would be consensus here and among clergy that this was not a real marriage in the sacred sense. I agree with your sentiment of trying to save a marriage when it was true to begin with, but this one obviously was not. I just find it frustrating that some Christians seem to remove all rationale and common sense when it comes to matters like this, and this line of thinking keeps women in physically abusive marriages. Marriage based on a real commitment and love is a sacred thing that I believe should be preserved through all kinds of troubles, but lets not equate all marriage ceremonies as magically making every union a sacred one no matter what kind of ulterior motives one or both partners have going into the marriage.

[Kevin- 13]

Opinions are what they are, but I think there would be consensus here and among clergy that this was not a real marriage in the sacred sense. I agree with your sentiment of trying to save a marriage when it was true to begin with, but this one obviously was not. I just find it frustrating that some Christians seem to remove all rationale and common sense when it comes to matters like this, and this line of thinking keeps women in physically abusive marriages. Marriage based on a real commitment and love is a sacred thing that I believe should be preserved through all kinds of troubles, but lets not equate all marriage ceremonies as magically making every union a sacred one no matter what kind of ulterior motives one or both partners have going into the marriage.

Given the evidence presented, it's not unreasonable to merely allow the possibility of forgiveness. Yes, we know enough of the story to be nearly sure of what was going on, but we're still outsiders looking at a very small portion of the picture. I can't tell only from your posts if you're a believer in God or not, so I don't know whether this next statement matters to you. Sometimes, the only thing an "evil" person needs to be turned on to the right path is to be freely and completely forgiven by a person they've wronged.

Also note that just because you don't see the rationale in something, doesn't mean there isn't any.

I don't understand why, when people come here seeking help for certain types of situations, there becomes a competition of sorts. It results in people attacking others' beliefs and personalities, which is totally unnecessary. I think we should tend toward allowing the help-seekers to make their own conclusions about advice given from different perspectives. (unless it would actually result in immediate physical harm or similar)

Edited November 17, 2010 by Kevin-

[SaddenedNow 5]

As for the "degree" and a decent job, lots of people have degrees and even PhDs here in the Philippines. Many of our schools are diploma mills who just keeps on letting incompetent people graduate as long as they get the money from the tuition and miscellaneous fees. So when someone from the Philippines says that she or he has a degree (even a doctorate which could also be "doctored"), don't think too much about it right away. Inquire first about her school, and ask around or research if the school has a good reputation for being strict in upholding standards of quality education, and if she has good grades. Degrees are a dime a dozen here, so to speak.

Her college was called Ateneo de Davao. It could be one of those diploma mills that give easy degrees. I guess I never considered that it could be a 'pay for your degree' school, so it is possible.

Well, tonight she offered her apologizes for all she has done. She cried a lot. She told me she feels it is so difficult for her here----like she is in a jail. She agreed that it is best if she returns to the Philippines. I am looking to get her there in the next week or so. She is discussing more with me now. I told her the talking we did this morning is the normal way people discuss issues, rather than just stand in silence and looking away. She asked why I do not behave with more anger towards her, and she said she is surprised I did not slap her. I explained that getting physical is not only not in my character, but it does nothing helpful.

So, finally she has expressed some genuine regret, and communicated her thoughts a little bit. I told her, she is a little too late to start communicating about what has happened.

[jrmejia 31]

We have different views to things. I am entitled to mine as you are entitled to yours. He was asking for advice or opinions and those were my take. Even I myself can say that it is very hard to do but I said a big BUT there. I know what the girl did is very stupid. But there's nothing wrong also if both parties will talk about it. Your instinct will tell you if someone is sincere or not. But then, there's no time to prove who is right or wrong here. What the OP needs is help. In the long way, his decision will stand. So, all I could offer for now is to pray for him and her that they may be guided to whatever outcomes this may lead.

In my opinion, I think there was love. Hey I can be wrong about it. But who knows.

Edited November 17, 2010 by jrmejia

[David & Kezia 25]

Her college was called Ateneo de Davao. It could be one of those diploma mills that give easy degrees. I guess I never considered that it could be a 'pay for your degree' school, so it is possible.

Well, tonight she offered her apologizes for all she has done. She cried a lot. She told me she feels it is so difficult for her here----like she is in a jail. She agreed that it is best if she returns to the Philippines. I am looking to get her there in the next week or so. She is discussing more with me now. I told her the talking we did this morning is the normal way people discuss issues, rather than just stand in silence and looking away. She asked why I do not behave with more anger towards her, and she said she is surprised I did not slap her. I explained that getting physical is not only not in my character, but it does nothing helpful.

So, finally she has expressed some genuine regret, and communicated her thoughts a little bit. I told her, she is a little too late to start communicating about what has happened.

It is good that she is now communicating better with you. I am not sure though if it's genuine regrets for what she has done (or genuine regret for being found out) or if she's just faking things.

However, if she feels like she is in a jail, then maybe there is something more wrong in your arrangement and she doesn't get out of your house. New immigrants should spend a lot of time being connected with the things and people that she/he is familiar with, including the food, the sights and sounds (maybe through the TV - Filipino Channel), and the people. It is best to be part of a Filipino community or in a neighborhood where there is at least one Filipino with whom she could be friends with to make the adjustment easier. Just my thoughts on that subject.

But as you have said yourself, it's a little too late for that, unless you really think that things are still worth saving and she is inherently good (or genuine or whatever it may be).

As for her school, Ateneo is the 2nd top university in the Philippines, at least their campus in Metro Manila (in Katipunan, Quezon City). They uphold good standards there, generally, although the latter batches seem to be composed of mostly rich spoiled kids who graduate because teachers are told not to give a failing grade unless absolutely unavoidable (and they have to explain throughly why). I'm not so sure about the Ateneo de Davao campus, but maybe some of the other people here who came from Davao could share some insight. They have good teachers there so the teachers are not the issue (as in most big schools), but the quality of the students and their graduates has more to do with the administration's policies like their entrance exams and that policy where the teachers are discouraged to give failing grades.

Good luck on that problem with your wife, and I do hope that you'll exercise more prudence and maturity (not naivety) in choosing your next partner in life. I'd recommend that you read that other thread of another man's experience that we've referenced here 3x. There are more lessons to be learned there, and in that whole board where it is now posted. The same advice is given to the other petitioners here: read and learn.

-Kezia

[SaddenedNow 5]

It is good that she is now communicating better with you. I am not sure though if it's genuine regrets for what she has done (or genuine regret for being found out) or if she's just faking things.

However, if she feels like she is in a jail, then maybe there is something more wrong in your arrangement and she doesn't get out of your house. New immigrants should spend a lot of time being connected with the things and people that she/he is familiar with, including the food, the sights and sounds (maybe through the TV - Filipino Channel), and the people. It is best to be part of a Filipino community or in a neighborhood where there is at least one Filipino with whom she could be friends with to make the adjustment easier. Just my thoughts on that subject.

-Kezia

I have gotten her TFC and GMA via DirectTV. I have found all of the ingredients to make her familiar Filipino food. I have given her several introductions to Filipinas, including one that lives only 6 blocks away. I have gotten the invite to the PhilAm christmas party. I get her out of the house as much as possible, and a Filipina friend of mine, and now also for her, gets together with her for dinner several days a week.

Some factors that have not helped matters, are my work schedule being temporarily changed to evenings right after she arrived here, and the fact she does not know how to drive. I cannot transport her since I am at work, so she has evenings to herself. Also, for the first month she was here, we stayed at my mother's home, as my home was being remodeled for her with ceramic and marble floors and partial wall tiles, new baseboards and crown moulding, and a few other investments.

I will see if she wants to discuss today any more. I am not beyond forgiving, but I would need some assurance that she will sever ties with this former boyfriend

[David & Kezia 25]

I have gotten her TFC and GMA via DirectTV. I have found all of the ingredients to make her familiar Filipino food. I have given her several introductions to Filipinas, including one that lives only 6 blocks away. I have gotten the invite to the PhilAm christmas party. I get her out of the house as much as possible, and a Filipina friend of mine, and now also for her, gets together with her for dinner several days a week.

Some factors that have not helped matters, are my work schedule being temporarily changed to evenings right after she arrived here, and the fact she does not know how to drive. I cannot transport her since I am at work, so she has evenings to herself. Also, for the first month she was here, we stayed at my mother's home, as my home was being remodeled for her with ceramic and marble floors and partial wall tiles, new baseboards and crown moulding, and a few other investments.

I will see if she wants to discuss today any more. I am not beyond forgiving, but I would need some assurance that she will sever ties with this former boyfriend

Hmmmn... so you did try your to make things easier for her. That's good.

As for forgiving her, ultimately it will still be your decision. However, please take our advice that whatever you do, still report her ASAP. If you still want to keep her, I think you could just explain to your case officer later why you reported her, and that she's already changed or was just missing home. For now, it's your insurance policy, so do make those reports.

Good luck!

-Kezia

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I will see if she wants to discuss today any more. I am not beyond forgiving, but I would need some assurance that she will sever ties with this former boyfriend

You can forgive her without continuing the relationship.

Anna & I have had difficult times during her first year here (Nov 25 will be 1 year exactly) but not once did she contact another man or entertain sexual anything with someone else. Her reaction was to return home to the Philippines, thankfully she always calmed down and it never got to that point.

Filipinas and Kanos do have very different communications styles but running to the arms of another man is much more than differing styles of conflict resolution.

It took a while before Anna would actually discuss what was bothering her but she did come around.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

You can forgive her without continuing the relationship.

Anna & I have had difficult times during her first year here (Nov 25 will be 1 year exactly) but not once did she contact another man or entertain sexual anything with someone else. Her reaction was to return home to the Philippines, thankfully she always calmed down and it never got to that point.

Filipinas and Kanos do have very different communications styles but running to the arms of another man is much more than differing styles of conflict resolution.

It took a while before Anna would actually discuss what was bothering her but she did come around.

[R&W 5]

Send the chat log to me and I'll translate them for you.

[sea-monkey 13]

Its time to cut your loses and move on. There is nothing to discuss with her anymore. You are not her lover, she has a boyfriend back home she loves.

Buy that 1 way ticket ASAP and get her out of your house before she ruins anything or steals anything.

Your head has probably been throbbing, body numb from the events and probably can't think straight. Listen to all of the advice here and start over.

[moonandsun 16]

Put her on a slow boat to Tawi-Tawi ASAP!. You sound like a good man. There are plenty of woman in this world that would love a man like you. Move on Brother!

[rheanick 42]

I have gotten her TFC and GMA via DirectTV. I have found all of the ingredients to make her familiar Filipino food. I have given her several introductions to Filipinas, including one that lives only 6 blocks away. I have gotten the invite to the PhilAm christmas party. I get her out of the house as much as possible, and a Filipina friend of mine, and now also for her, gets together with her for dinner several days a week.

Some factors that have not helped matters, are my work schedule being temporarily changed to evenings right after she arrived here, and the fact she does not know how to drive. I cannot transport her since I am at work, so she has evenings to herself. Also, for the first month she was here, we stayed at my mother's home, as my home was being remodeled for her with ceramic and marble floors and partial wall tiles, new baseboards and crown moulding, and a few other investments.

I will see if she wants to discuss today any more. I am not beyond forgiving, but I would need some assurance that she will sever ties with this former boyfriend

Ateneo De Davao is in Mindanao. I personally knows people who graduated from Ateneo De Davao and they are decent people. One is also married to an american and holding to her marriage thru thick and thin, for better or worst.

It seems that you are a good guy. In your relationship, it is only unfortunate that she is still in love with her former boyfriend. YOu both need space to sort each others emotion. She has to sort out her feelings towards her former boyfriend. And you have to deal with your feeling of someone cheating on you.

Right love, wrong couple. Sorry. Hope everything works out for the best, for both of you.

[sweet angel 5]

You can forgive her without continuing the relationship.

Anna & I have had difficult times during her first year here (Nov 25 will be 1 year exactly) but not once did she contact another man or entertain sexual anything with someone else. Her reaction was to return home to the Philippines, thankfully she always calmed down and it never got to that point.

Filipinas and Kanos do have very different communications styles but running to the arms of another man is much more than differing styles of conflict resolution.

It took a while before Anna would actually discuss what was bothering her but she did come around.

[Tahoma 2,292]

In my opinion, I think there was love. Hey I can be wrong about it. But who knows.

WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!! PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!! :bonk: