Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Agreed--I did take the cell phone away initially, but returned it after an 8 hour shift, and let her know I was not going to cut her off from talking/texting with her family.

Also, probably my final update: one-way flight on JAL departing Tuesday 11/23 booked. Our Visa Journey is now over, so therefore my participation is over also. I have deep wounds to attend to and let heal.

Well take the time to take care of yourself.

[sea-monkey 13]

Well, techinically, the journey is not over yet. You might still be dealing with her for a while. Look at this guy. http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/278501-divorce-after-1-month-in-uslong-sad-story/page__view__findpost__p__4292530

His ex filipina bride stole his idenity and opened all sorts of accounts.

[marklovetina 52]

Agreed--I did take the cell phone away initially, but returned it after an 8 hour shift, and let her know I was not going to cut her off from talking/texting with her family.

Also, probably my final update: one-way flight on JAL departing Tuesday 11/23 booked. Our Visa Journey is now over, so therefore my participation is over also. I have deep wounds to attend to and let heal.

well i want to extend my congratulations to u for being a man to do that, for protecting and loving ur self, we respect that u need time to heal for what had happened to u, i wish u best of luck, but dont worry this is not the end of the world, in due time u will be fine. God bless u always!!!

[rlogan 2,036]

Congratulations on this important step to healing. It was a terrible blow but you have turned the corner. Your day of sunshine will come.

These threads have value to others. There are many reading that do not post. Many who have these same experiences are too afraid of ridicule to share them. So thank you.

I most applaud your stance against rage. It does no good to scream and shout, let alone to slap them.

The people warning about VAWA are right to do so. It is incredible how cruel people can be, but the world is full of them and we have to protect ourselves.

One of the important things for others to see is how wonderful it seemed to you right up to the point where she cut you off in a "snap". Usually these stories have some red flags. The only one you mentioned was her cutting off communications for six days or so in the early going. It is interesting to note her explanation though - she used "projection": that is the manipulator's tactic of accusing you of the very thing they are doing themselves. She was playing you, but claimed she thought you were playing her. It worked perfectly. I'm sure you were emphaticly insisting to her that you were not using her.

So see how it worked? She was the one with suspicious behavior and the result is you end up being the one on the defensive. One has to ask themselves: If I loved someone, would I go six days without communicating with them when texting, email, phone, webchat and all are so readily available?

With respect to jrmejia - yes of course it's like watching a slow train about to ram a compact car stuck on the tracks. What we learn though is how blind we can be. Everyone has their weakness. It might be obesity, it might be alcohol, a bad investment we can't let go of or whatever - we need to ask ourselves if we are being this blind about something in our own lives.

[adiiann 163]

Agreed--I did take the cell phone away initially, but returned it after an 8 hour shift, and let her know I was not going to cut her off from talking/texting with her family.

Also, probably my final update: one-way flight on JAL departing Tuesday 11/23 booked. Our Visa Journey is now over, so therefore my participation is over also. I have deep wounds to attend to and let heal.

It's really a risk to marry someone from across the ocean. I have no idea on how long have you've been together before you decided to get married but base on my observation, couples who took time to know each other before decided to get married have higher rate of successful marriage. It's really hard to know someone within a year esp. if the relationship is long distance. Though, honesty and trust play important roles for the successful relationship.

I really feel sad that this happens to you. You seem to be a very nice guy. I really don't think if it is real love what she feels for her bf in the Phils because she wouldn't get involve with you in the first place if she's really in love to her bf. But whatever it is, at least you are moving on with your love.

As for the criticism here, just my opinion, I guess they really wanted to help you realize the reality of your situation. You are such a nice person and doesn't deserve someone like her. People usually give criticism because they are concern about you and they wanted you to make a right decision that is right for you, as you are the concern person here.

I hope that after your heart get healed, you will still find yourself looking for the right person.

Edited November 22, 2010 by adiiann

[sea-monkey 13]

Don't forget to pack some coins in her pocket when you see her off. Let her go through extra screening at the airport

I should have done this when I had to take a coworker to the airport over the weekend

[Tanoushka 7]

This is all so sad!

OP, take the time you need to heal those wounds of yours.

We could all tell how much love you had for her.

I know this is hard to hear, but she was NOT the one for you. She is still out there and your paths will cross one day.

[prettyrick 0]

i can speak tagalog ang bisayan language so feel free to email them to me for translation. I am sorry for what is happening to you right now.

[piglett 16]

Agreed--I did take the cell phone away initially, but returned it after an 8 hour shift, and let her know I was not going to cut her off from talking/texting with her family.

Also, probably my final update: one-way flight on JAL departing Tuesday 11/23 booked. Our Visa Journey is now over, so therefore my participation is over also. I have deep wounds to attend to and let heal.

hey good luck man, i don't think your a bad guy you just got stuck with a bad girl is all.

I know a guy who had the same kind of thing happen about 5 years ago.

however in time he went rite back to the Philippines & he is now married to a great lady & they have a newborn too.

so all is not lost but yes you need a bunch of time to heal from all of this

keep your chin up man

piglett

[James and Cynthia 70]

First sign should have been that she contacted you through the internet. I wonder how long it took before she asked you to buy her something or send money.

Second sign should have been when you didn't hear from her for so many days. I'm sure there were other signds like this too, like her not having time to talk, too busy, tired, or no real reason at all. What about times when she doesn't have a cam, or it's not working for some reason.

Check out this site. If enough warning signs are there, like they probably are, you'll know the right thing to do:

http://www.livinginthephilippines.com/style_net_girlfriend.html

-James

[Kevin- 13]

OP (don't think a name was ever mentioned, sorry for not being able to address with anything other than "HEY YOU")

I'm glad you're approaching a resolution, though it's heartbreaking. I commend you on your very calm and patient demeanor throughout the whole situation. I pray that if/when you decide to find love again, that you'll find a wonderful lady deserving of your great personality, who will be your perfect match.

You mentioned not coming back to the thread, but I hope you do read this one more time and consider the advice reiterated by Tahoma in post 177. I just don't want you to suddenly be blindsided by an undeserved VAWA case. If you at least "notify" authorities of the situation, you'll be protected from that possibility. Hopefully my PM got your attention and persuaded you to read one last time.

-----------------------------------------

I have been blown away ever since reading this...I've never 'met' anyone irl or on here, who would legitimately have this method of thinking to pretty much take his wife a prisoner as a means of reconciliation. The situation you described above is the very scenario which would QUALIFY her for a VAWA claim. I'm highlighting this again to let other people reading this thread, who MIGHT take your advice, that this is not the way to go...not morally, or even legally wrt VAWA. This advice, however well intentioned, is BAD BAD BAD. Think about it...if you have to sever her contact with her homeland, sever her contact with money, disable the computer...is that a wife, or a dog being punished? If anyone needs to do any of those things above, the marriage is TOAST. And doing all those things to a new immigrant who may or may not have command of the English language is just deplorable, it's forcing her to be wholly dependent on her husband with no other options - and the very reason why VAWA was created.

I suggest no one with marital problems on the brink of divorce try your method of 'rebuilding'. Again, I realize OP has made his decision, but for everyone else contemplating this...DON'T DO IT.

Setting up some rules of communication consistent with normal life from about 1995 and prior is the same as prison? Up until the last 10-12 years approximately, most homes in the US did not have have computers. Cell phones and texting are even more recent in terms of proliferation. I strongly suspect, but can't verify on my own, that phone calls from the US to the Philippines were very, very expensive until recent years, which would mean they would not happen often. Not having daily access to these things, just as people lived for a very very long time, is not prison. She was essentially using the computer to cheat on him, it's not really an unreasonable thing to remove that possibility for a while if they had tried to reconcile legitimately.

Millions of people immigrated to this country before computers, cell phones, internet, texting, etc, and did just fine, often without speaking more than a few words of English. I'd submit that his marriage may even have had a much better chance if none of those technologies were involved. (if it somehow wasn't doomed from the start, which it seems to have been)

My suggestion about money was merely to protect his savings, etc, from a "spouse" who may suddenly have motivation to take all of it and run away. I wouldn't have meant that he should completely remove her ability to have any money at all.

[Fandango 1,439]

OP, I'm going to keep you in my prayers, and I do hope you keep us posted as to how your life is going. While I'm sure you are absolutely gutted right now, keep the faith that you will survive this, you didn't deserve it, and you will eventually be happier because you are keeping a high standard of what you deserve, and knowing what you won't tolerate. That is to be commended...many would turn a blind eye, out of fear of being alone.

I was in a relationship that I thought was great...for 8 years. Most of it was not long distance. Right before the visa interview, it fell apart, and I was devastated. I too, was placed in a situation where I had to recognize in my heart that I was worth more than what I was getting. Long story short, I called it off, and it was terribly difficult for quite some time.

But I prayed, and healed. And now I'm a much happier person, married to a man that's so wonderful that I pinch myself every morning because I can't believe how lucky I am, and now we have a beautiful son. And I'm happier now than I ever have been in my life.

I'm not promoting the idea of running out and finding someone now...but if you just take the time to heal, the rest will sort itself. You've already shown the courage of conviction, and that is something to be so proud of.

I wish you the best of luck, and will keep you in my prayers.

Setting up some rules of communication consistent with normal life from about 1995 and prior is the same as prison? Up until the last 10-12 years approximately, most homes in the US did not have have computers. Cell phones and texting are even more recent in terms of proliferation. I strongly suspect, but can't verify on my own, that phone calls from the US to the Philippines were very, very expensive until recent years, which would mean they would not happen often. Not having daily access to these things, just as people lived for a very very long time, is not prison. She was essentially using the computer to cheat on him, it's not really an unreasonable thing to remove that possibility for a while if they had tried to reconcile legitimately.

Millions of people immigrated to this country before computers, cell phones, internet, texting, etc, and did just fine, often without speaking more than a few words of English. I'd submit that his marriage may even have had a much better chance if none of those technologies were involved. (if it somehow wasn't doomed from the start, which it seems to have been)

My suggestion about money was merely to protect his savings, etc, from a "spouse" who may suddenly have motivation to take all of it and run away. I wouldn't have meant that he should completely remove her ability to have any money at all.

It was normal life at one point to poop in a bucket, what's that got to do with today? Nothing.

Limit? yes. Sever? NO. Your words...sever. Sever contact with the PI, DISABLE the computer. And this is your advice for reconciliation!?! While my heart breaks for the OP because what this person did to him was deplorable, no one should be controlled like that, and your very advice would have actually supported a VAWA claim against him.

Please be more mindful of that next time you dole out advice for possible marriage reconciliations.

I am quite blown away at your thinking here, and I pray for your wife's sake that she never finds herself on the wrong side of you. But I've said my peace now so let's agree to disagree.

[Ban Hammer 13,261]

thread closed per op request.

do not start a thread about this thread.